If @pdworkin is my source of inspiration, then you, Gary, are my idol.
A few months back, I knew WTF as some random guy who asked me be witness to his wedding. I had absolutely no clue who the hell he was, or why he was asking me to do so. I was planning a business trip to Los Angeles and was requesting a bit of information here on Fluther (I was still a newbie – 1,000 lurve, tops). Out of nowhere comes some Pegasus-avatar sporting dude, asking me to attend his wedding. It was peculiar, to say the least. Hell, I was weirded out.
I did a bit of research and found out exactly who he was, and his condition. To say that I had the most humbling moment of my life would be a massive understatement. Do not take this as a hyperbole, the truth is that I quite often look at you – all of you – as just words. Text, my playthings to bounce ideas off of. Each one of you a wall, built of differing material, all bouncing the ideas back in a myriad of ways (some a bit more * ahem * violently than others). I’m not entirely sure why I don’t think of any of you as real people – perhaps I’d never be able to bear the idea of having a real, living audience. I’m not socially awkward in the slightest, but let’s just say that some of my ideas aren’t exactly the most popular.
Devi’s fantastic, insightful interview shattered that idealistic perception, however – I was put in the very real situation of feeling for another human being thousands of miles away… one that responds, that feels, that is dealing with the very real prospect that mortality falls on every single one of us, no matter how hard we run from it.
Maybe that last line in itself is testament to my particular mindframe at the time. Dealing with my infinitesimal existence, half-way unemployed, lonely, existential angst ripping apart my abdomen and drowning in a sea of knowledge. I make no apologies for my overdramatics – they say you are hit in the face with the reality of exactly how much information there is in this universe when you hit your mid-20s. And boy, was I ever.
I accepted Gary’s request, only to find out that our time-frames didn’t coincide with one another, which was quite disappointing – his wedding with (the spectacular, amazing) Sherry was days after I was scheduled to leave. To this day, I’m very upset that I didn’t decide to stay a week longer. In fact, I loathe myself for not doing so.
You see, throughout my time here on Fluther, Gary has been the only legitimately selfless, intelligent and serene person who retains these traits on a continual basis – yet, at the same time he is fiercely courageous and curiously strong. All flamboyantly cliched words and terms, I know – my limited vernacular can’t quite describe exactly what I think and feel. I’ve noticed the small nuances in his speech patterns – some days he seems at peace, others, frustrated and on the verge of despair. To say that I don’t get choked up whilst reading these and reflecting on these moments outside of my time here on Fluther would be false. He is the only person I’ve ever legitimately felt for over the internet (outside of my internet wife, but that’s a different story, one that WTF is quite familiar with).
Months after e-meeting and reading about Gary, my respect just continues to climb. He’s made me spit coffee at my screen with his seemingly effortless comedic tongue, he’s moved me with his long passages about his battles with his illness, and he’s always been ridiculously empathetic to whomever he speaks to here – regardless if their condition is as severe as they make it out to be. And maybe that last line is what gets me. He’s a man that so easily takes himself out of his own pain and desperation to say, “I understand.” Hell, if I’m ever put in the same position as Gary, I’d go down kicking and screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs for salvation. But he doesn’t allow it: despite his frustrations, he is the most gentle being I’ve ever met. Through our multiple correspondences, he’s taken a liking to calling me “Kid”. It’s both endearing and, most of all, genuine. (though does have the unfortunate connection to Purple Rain, but I digress)
My first real scare with human mortality came about when it was discovered that my father was HIV positive, and that it was developing into AIDS. I can’t remember exactly what I was thinking or why, but I remember feeling the most lonely I’ve ever felt in my life. Death instantly became a very real variable in the algorithm of life, and not some philosophical construct whispered about. It was some time during this wave of delirium that I discovered my interest in science – religion was not sufficiently answering my questions on what happens to us after we die, outside of some very abstract constructs. It was also here that I discovered that life is not some incredible turn of circumstance; some design by the hand of some majestic entity. Not to say that life became unspectacular, quite the opposite – it dawned on me that we, all of us, are a transitional species. Put in the most rudimentary terms imaginable (subsequently doing disservice to true intellectuals) I learned that we have descended from the stars, and that we will return there; that we are all atomically, biologically and chemically identical. I was comforted in the fact that our lives are beautiful in their brevity – in their paucity on the cosmic calendar. I’ll never know the day when we are returned the Singularity or whatever my come at the true end, and neither do you. That is the one fundamental trait that all of us share: the prospect of the unknown; the prospect that we are all starstuff, and will return back there one day – a blink in the cosmic scale.
I’ve learned to live on that assumption, but it’s quite easy to say such things when I, myself, am not dealing with any immediate threat to my existence. I try to put myself in the mind of WTF quite often – perhaps a selfish, egocentric exercise – to see if I’d ever be able to have the same serenity he has. And I wouldn’t. Maybe the years of wisdom has granted him some sort of resilience to this sort of thing. I don’t know what it is, but if there was ever any wish I’d like to see fulfilled, it’d be to have the same level of grace in the face of constant trial.
Gary, I’ve said this before, but I love you. Perhaps it’s a some selfish, quasi-symbiotic relationship, but I do. I’ve respected more and more as time passes, and it’d be nothing short of dishonest if I said that I wouldn’t do everything in my power to keep you here, on Fluther, in life, happy. Let me know what I can do.
See ya,
The Kid