How long does it take you to go from realizing that you need to do something to actually doing it?

about 6 weeks.

LoL! Great, I’ll be done by Christmas.

As to your original question in general, it depends upon if I’m on fire or not.

As to your comments, consistently treat others how you want to be treated and let time do the rest. A test of your patience is the gift you now possess.

When I realize that I’m late, I respond almost immediately.

Could be anywhere from a few minutes to several months.

Usually after I take a nap.

It depends on the thing. Sometimes I can quickly adjust myself, and other thing I have been working on for years. It’s dissapointing he can not give you the positive feedback you need from him. If it is a personality flaw, he doesn’t give positive feedback to anyone and is critical of people who do it, then I would say you will just have to accept it. If he is like that specifically with you, then there is more to question.

Assuming this is just how he is and you will have to accept it, I have a couple things like this in my relationship, luckily it does not come up every day; overall I am very happy in my marriage. The couple of things he does that bother me are still dissappointing every time it comes up, but for the most part I have stopped trying to change it and try to just accept it. It took me a few years to get to this point.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies – I have done that for 10 years. (Dating and marriage combined.) After a while, it gets tiresome to be the one who is willing to say, “great job” or “well done” and not hear it back. I’m not going to stop saying it because it’s part of my nature. However, I do know that because he doesn’t need it, he doesn’t value doing it for others. (To his credit, he does do it for his employees because he understands that it’s important for them to hear. and he has managed to do it for his best friend and one of his Facebook friends. Yes, female. Yes, I’m working on this jealousy thing too. I will not ruin my marriage over something so inconsequential as him being nice to someone else!)

@ChazMaz I love naps! I think it should be an Olympic sport.

@JLeslie – He’s not critical of people who do praise others, he just doesn’t do it for me. I think that he assumes that I know when I’ve done something well or right. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to intuit this from his lack of response, but I guess I am. It doesn’t come up every day, but as I’m in school and doing very well, it comes up more often. He was at a school event on Saturday and said that he really liked everything. But there was no specific, “I’m proud of your work” or “You did that well.” I think I’m supposed to assume that I’m included in the general comments. And if I say anything I get the heavy sigh and the eye roll. I think that you’re right that I need to accept it, and accept that sometimes it will disappoint me, sometimes it won’t. My analogy for this is that I’m looking for puppies at the grocery store. (Okay, someone else said that, not to me, but it fits the situation.) Puppies are great things and grocery stores have many, many great things. Just no puppies.

Have you ever read The 5 languages of Love? It sounds like your “love language” is “Words of Affirmation.” (so is mine) His is probably something completely different. You need to figure out what his “love Language” is and communicate to him on that level. It is at times when people feel like they are being loved, that they are more receptive to hear how someone else needs to be loved. You can spend all day telling him how much you love him, (your love language) but if his “love language” is physical touch, and you haven’t given him a hug in a week, well…. he won’t get the message

@tedibear39 And I guess since you mention the sigh eye roll that youhave communicated to him that you wish he were giving you more positive reinforcement. That he does it for others and not for you makes me wonder, I hate to say, if he really is committed to your relationship. How much does it cost him to say how wonderful your work is? My husbands thing he does that bothers me is he hates to change plans. If he decided Saturday is for washing the cars and going to the gym and then someone invites us to lunch, he will say, “I can’t I have plans,” when he could easily adjust the plans, and it is just washing a car, which I think can wait. My complaint about my husband is how rigid he can be, but now how loved, respected, or supported I feel by him. The thing that is missing in your marriage is more difficult to live with I think. That he does it for others and not for you is horrible in my mind. It would make me question if he really is that into me or not.

My mother doesn’t give my father much positive reinforcement, and my father comes accross as needy, it is a viscious cycle that I hope you don’t wind up in. I hesistate to say that my parents should have been divorced years ago in my opinion.

@Judi – Not only have I read it three or four times, but I have recommended it to others. I asked him to read it, he wouldn’t. (“I can’t be put in box. I react differently in different situations.” Um, that’s not what this book is trying to do. It’s trying to help you discover a preference!) Even his best friend said it was a great book. No dice. I’m pretty sure his language is acts of service. But the stuff I do for him is stuff I do for me too. With extra stuff, I generally get a thank you, but I’m not sure he would notice if I stopped. If he asks, “Can you do thus-and-such for me?” it’s never anything unreasonable. And I have to deal with his frustration and/or grumpiness afterwards.

@JLeslie – Please don’t hesitate to say anything that you think is true! There are several ways in which I know that he loves me. He has, for example, stayed in a well-paying job that he would prefer to have left, just so I could stay in school. That’s a pretty big sacrifice for me to be able to pursue what I want to do. There are others, but I’d rather not get too deep into that. I did try to tell him that the encouragement to the one Facebook friend upset me because he won’t do that for me. His response was “Fine. I’ll just quit using Facebook.” Which wasn’t my point, but it’s hard to make a point when you’re crying! He’s just a very practical, non-emotive kind of guy. Even his mom says that he has always been this way.

@tedibear39 ; Do you recognize his “acts of service” to you? Understanding that to him, this is every bis an expression of love as telling you might make it easier to accept when you don’t get the words of affirmation that you long for.

@Judi – Yes. If he does something that I normally do (laundry or dishes as an example) I thank him – although I no longer gush because I get no response from either a simple thank you OR gushing. Typically, “Thank you so much for taking care of that laundry. It really helped.” Or when he does yard work (which is usually “his” thing) I will thank him for doing a great job. Which he always does. That recognition garners me a blank response or a shoulder shrug.

@tedibear39 Well that is tough. Relationships are so complicated. I guess if I were you I would be in the same place mentally as you, trying to figure out how to just live with it. I do have another question…when your relationship was very new, was he better at handing out positive reinforcement? If so, maybe you have to work on feeling more independent from him and being with other people who give you what you need. When he sees your independence from him, maybe he will come around? I don’t mean this as a game, I am never in favor of games to make an SO jealous or wait for a call, but I do mean that it might make you more attractive when you come across less needy for the reinforcement and attention.

@JLeslie – I need to drive home now. I will try to reply to you tonight. If not, then certainly tomorrow.

@tedibear39 ; Yes, Thanking him is not what he needs. You might as well be speaking Greek. He needs you to do things for him. (acts of service.)

I think this should answer your question.

Time Taken To Begin Something

@Judi – I DO do things for him. More than I would for anyone else, because I love him. So now, to show him that I appreciate what he does, I need to do MORE stuff? (I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m upset with you. I’m not. You’ve been very helpful here!)

@JLeslie – Yes, that’s why I asked the question. I need to learn to live with it. No, he wasn’t much better at the beginning than he is now. (No, I didn’t marry him thinking that he would change.) I am fairly independent and do things without him. (Lunch or dinner with girlfriends, visits to my hometown to see my best friends, etc.) His response is, “Okay, have fun.” Because that’s my response on the very rare occasion that he goes anywhere without me. (He’s not a very social guy.) And no, I didn’t take your response as telling me to play games. I get positive reinforcement other places – school, work, friends – but I want to hear it from the single most important person in my life. And THAT’S what I have to get over.

So, I go back to my original question. Does the getting over it happen over time, or is it an “ah-ha” moment and you just get it? How does one finally just suck it up?

@tedibear39 I was not really asking to see if you knew what you were getting into before you married him; but rather, I was asking to see if his behavior changed indicating he was taking youf or granted or moving away from you emotionally. It seems he has just always been like this, which I think is good. With my husband I never had an aha moment, but I did get to a point of acceptance, but still it annoys me sometimes. It is more like I gave up, it took years for me, but I am slow to accept these things. Hopefully you will be better than I was. I wish I had good advice to help you. The only thing I can think of is to lower your expectations, never expect any positive reinforcment from him and don’t test him or ask for it, even indirectly cause it sounds like he will always dissapoint you on this front. Focus on the good.

@JLeslie – Ah, I see. It’s that I dislike the old saying about “Women marry men hoping they’ll change, men marry women hoping they won’t.” So I jumped there immediately. My apologies! I think your assessment is correct that I need to focus on the positive and try to let go of the rest.

Will be interested to see if other Flutherites have had ah-ha moments or if it was just time.

@tedibear39 no apologies necessary, it is a logical conclusion, I should have been more clear originally. I like the quote. :).

Depends. It can range from 3 seconds to several weeks. If I realize right away that I really hurt someone feelings I do something about it right away.