Stop me if you heard this one! Anybody have a one-liner or short, clean, joke they'd like to tell?
I love one-liners and quick jokes. The old Borscht Belt comics were hilarious and many of their jokes are as funny today as they were back then. Here’s on on my faves:
A drunk was
in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve
been brought here for drinking.” The drunk
says “Okay, let’s get
started.”
I’d love to hear yours.
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48 Answers
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, “I’ll drive, you man the turret.”
A couple more:
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be
reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife
did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
I’ve always been a fan of the Groucho Marx one-liners.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
“I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it. ”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. ”
I told that joke to a room of people a couple weeks ago, and nobody got it. Talk about crickets in the room…
Man, I love escalators…an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” Hahaha! Okay. It’s not that funny.
What does a fish say when he swims into a wall?
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“Dam!”
Let’s talk ethics…two guys own a laundry, one day one of them finds $20 in a customers pant pocket and thinks, “should I share it with my partner or not?”
How do you know when you’ve got a hippopotamus in your oven?
You can’t close the door :)
These are great! Keep em coming!
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen,
your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered,
“So did my arthritis!”
They did a study why Jewish women like Chinese food. The conclusion was won ton spelled backwards is not now. I hate that joke.
off topic but related. I used to stay at Sacks Lodge in the Catskills during the summer. Anyone else?
A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, “I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.” The naked lady says
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
(sorry, I can only remember jokes from Laffy Taffy wrappers)
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I have a really terrible one… made worse by the fact that it was told to me by a friend who was in the seminary at the time:
A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar…. and that’s just the first guy!
I need to point out he didn’t think it was funny but had been hearing a lot of this kind of stuff and taking crap for wanting to become a priest. He was venting.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
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‘ell-if-i-no!
Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A. A fsh.
Q. Where do you find a one-legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
@Les I GOT IT!! Took me a while, but I got it! LOL!
A guy opened his frizzer, to find a wabbit sleeping in there. Dude says, “Wabbit, what are you doing in my frizzer?” Wabbit says, “Is this a westing house?” Dude says, “Yes.” Wabbit says, “Well, I’m just westing!”
Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
Man, I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and meet up with them later.
Another one from Mitch Hedberg.
@Dr_C Actually it’s an old Bill Maher joke from his early stand up days.
An oldie:
“My dog has no nose.”
“How does he smell?”
“Terrible!”
Guy takes his dog to the vet. The vet picks up the dog and looks him all over before saying ,“I’m going to have to put this dog down.” The man gasps, “Oh my God Doc! Why?”
“Because he’s getting heavy”, replies the the vet.
A dog limps into a bar with his front right leg bandaged. He steps up to the bar, slaps down a twenty, and says, “I’m lookin’ for the fella that shot my paw.”
“Today on the subway I was so depressed, I tried to commit suicide by breathing deeply while standing next to an Albanian.”
“There are three kinds of people: Those that can count, and those that can’t.”
@janbb Monty Python lurve
They must’ve named oranges before they named carrots.
Let’s keep the Mitch train rolling.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
I drank some boiling water ‘cause I wanted to whistle.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
And my personal favourite!
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry,” so it died.
Never get enough o’ the Hedberg.
R.I.P. :(
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper but it’s a bogus replica because dude didn’t even get his degree.
Then there’s the magician who was walking down the street and turned into a bar!
I just tried the old peanut butter trick with my dogs and I don’t see what the fuss is all about. They kept biting my back and my mouth tastes like shit.
@Blondesjon FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuu HOW IS THAT CLEAN?
@gggritso . . . ooops! just jumped back in on this one and forgot about the clean part. hey! wait a minute! how do you even know what i’m talking about?
@Blondesjon I am now going to back away slowly. I’ll just say that I don’t have a dog.
This one’s not a one-liner, but I hope it’s quick enough to qualify:
So I went to the shrink and told him “Doc, ever since I was a child I always had a fear that there was someone under my bed. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy!”
The psychiatrist told me, “Just put yourself in my hands for one year, Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
”‘How much do you charge?” I asked him.
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!”
“Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!!!”
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.
A witch turned my Uncle into a stream of urine. Boy was he pissed.
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My wife left me because of my compulsive gambling. I must win her back.
Then there’s the one about the magician who was driving down the street and turned his car into a garage!
I’ve just started the Whisky Diet. I’ve lost three days already.
I made a chicken salad the other day.
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He still hasn’t thanked me.
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