How can I get my wife to stop swearing when talking to the kids?

How about solving the issues within your marriage, and allowing your wife to de-stress at least once per day so she doesn’t project her anger onto them?

Also, you could stop telling her what to do.

Ever seen the show Firefly? I’m an incredible nerd for referencing this, but she could swear in a different language, or insert placeholders.

@SpatzieLover WHAT?! I never “told her what to do”... Where is this coming from? Lol.. What I said was that I asked nicely.. WOW!

I am working on the marital problems.. but I don’t understand how an adult could make the decision to take it out on a kid.

@SpatzieLover has a good point. Focus on what you can control and that is your own actions. Particularly those actions that involve the issues in your marriage that are stressing her out. Also promoting de-stressing activities for your wife could be helpful. She is obviously not open to your opinion because of the marital issues. She will need to hear how harmful this is from the kids themselves or from someone with authority on the issue. If she is an intellectual you might offer some “articles” on the subject. Otherwise I would suggest some family counseling.

@NaturalMineralWater Asking her nicely comes off as “I’m right & you’re wrong” to her and you are creating hostility.

I agree with the above. Talk to her. Make up. Make it better. You have kids to think of, in addition to your own lives.

My first thought after the above was to tape her, so she can hear herself—which I am guessing she has no idea what she sounds like to her kids. With her permission of course.

Be age-appropriately honest with the kids—about what is happening and about how it makes you behave.

It sounds like anger is more of an issue than swearing. If so, address that.
The swearing is more of symptom.

Holy cow… I never thought I would get this from the collective.. in any way suggesting that swearing at a young child is ok in any sense.. and that I’m wrong for asking her to stop?! Seriously?! I value everyone’s opinion… I’m just shocked right now.. I am thinking of the kids when I ask her to stop! On what strange planet does this translate into me being an abusive, controlling husband who only wants subservience? When my wife asks me to not leave the toilet seat up I don’t think that of her… I guess because it just doesn’t make sense… I just say “Sure babe, I’ll try to remember”.

It’s time for your wife to use the swear jar. And after it’s full, you get all the profits! Win-win.

@jeffgoldblumsprivatefacilities Hmm excellent idea. I think I’ll see if she’s game. Thanks.

@NaturalMineralWater I don’t think anyone is suggesting that swearing at your kids is okay. We are just suggesting ways that you might more effectively handle the situation.

@RedPowerLady Well I certainly do appreciate the advice either way. It’s good to hear a female’s perspective because I clearly would never have guessed this one. Is that really how women think?

@NaturalMineralWater In no way do I think swering is appropriate in front of children. However, this issue is actually not about swearing, it’s about projected anger. She is steaming mad & you are not listening to her. She’s screaming because she feels she isn’t being heard.

@NaturalMineralWater Well women on Fluther apparently, lol.

@RedPowerLady That’s disconcerting. Surely I’ve been misunderstood (and have misunderstood) throughout 10 years of marriage then.

@SpatzieLover We (my wife and I) have been doing better these days. We don’t argue too much.. and the swearing around the kids happens most of the time. I guess she is still dealing with things in her own way.. I’m just disappointed that the boys have to suffer from the undeserved shrapnel. I guess sometimes I just wish she (my wife) was more grownup about handling it.. but I realize that’s a bit patronizing of me. Sigh. Forget the rubix cube… women are the real puzzle.

This is an interesting article

@NaturalMineralWater I think you are completely right about this. Regardless of what else is going on, your children deserve her respect. Swearing at them, or any young children, shows a lack of self-control. Yes, we all get angry, but we need to remember our boundaries on what is appropriate.

I am betting she knows she is wrong and she is pissed that you know it too. I think the potty mouth jar is a good idea – do it as a family. If the kids know about it, they will be more than happy to call her on it. Plus, if it is a family activity she won’t blame you. Anyone in the household who swears puts in a slip of paper with their name on it (or a different color for each person). At the end of the week, empty the jar and have everyone count out how many times they put their slip of paper in the jar. Maybe that will help her get the picture.

@NaturalMineralWater If it really seems as if you’ve both are “getting better”, then allow her to know you realize she needs to de-stress away from the kids. Allow her time to take a walk/run, or get her nails done, or whatever it is she does to relax/chill.

give her a kiss everytime she swears

Swearing relieves stress

@SpatzieLover She certainly gets her free time. A lot of times I’ll get home from work and she’ll disappear for hours on end. I’m fine with that.. I’ve been at home with the kids before and I understand how smothering it can get. As far as your link…. NO SH__ it relieves stress.. but it’s important to decide where and when is most appropriate to do just that. My wife can swear at me all day.. I don’t care… I used to be a sailor… I’m not going to cry about it… but when it comes to the kids.. I don’t think there’s any excuse that will do.

@Butlersloss I think I may get slapped but… I’ll try almost anything.. hell.. I’ve been slapped before.. lucky for me she hits like a girl. XD

@NaturalMineralWater “I think too, at least for women, swearing can create a feeling of personal power or defiance, and reduce feelings of victimization.“From the article posted.

I think you need to think again about why she leaves for hours on end when you come home. You shouldn’t be “fine with that” It’s a sign!

I don’t think you were wrong to ask her to stop swearing! .... Didn’t you ask a question the other day about an SO flipping out when you’re just trying to help? You were unpacking or something.

It is, however, important to really, really look inside yourself for your own motives (I’m speaking of your marriage in general, not the swearing. You were right to ask her to stop) Your wife may not see your reasons for doing what you do, the way you percieve them. For example, my husband has this thing about doing things, supposedly FOR me, but when I don’t respond like he thinks I should he gets angry, and it causes tension. For example, he has this thing about food, especially cooking in the kitchen. It’s something he likes to do. Every night he uses at least 2, or more, various kinds of pans for his creation, and ALWAYS with meat of some kind as the base. He used to tell me he was doing it all for me. The thing is, I don’t particularly care for meat. I’m happy as a clam with a bean burrito in the microwave, or some pasta and diced tomatoes and that’s all. I’ve told him this over, and over, and over, yet he still gets mad if I’m not hungry when he decides when the food is done (which is quite often 10 at night, when I’m ready for bed.) He doesn’t cook for me. If he did he’d take my tastes into consideration once in a while, AND he’d take into consideration whether I’m hungry or not. I may be starving, but if he’s not hungry, he don’t cook. But gets upset with me if I go fix something in the kitchen because he’s going to be “starting dinner soon!” (this is at 8 at night.) BUT, to hear him tell it, he goes through all that he goes through for me, not himself. And he really believes it! And it frustrates the hell out of me. PLUS, guess who gets to do all the dishes the next day. (He IS getting better though. Doesn’t get mad when I don’t eat, like he used to.)

I think you are completely right to be concerned about anger displays in front of the children. That is long-term damage. Instead of asking her to stop doing something, wait for a time when there is not fighting going on and have a talk with her about your concerns that the marital problems are having a bad impact on the children.

Without pointing fingers at her, ask if the two of you can agree that you will not argue in front of the children or swear in front of the children.

I agree completely with having to put a quarter (or whatever you choose) into the jar each time one of you sayd a swear word, but set it up so that it is for both of you, and it is because both of you are agreeing to a plan that is in the best interest of the children.

@Marina I still think the audio or video tape is a good idea.

The issue I see – beyond the fact that she is really angry with you and/or the home situation – is that swearing becomes a habit. The two of you may resolve your issues, but the swearing may become a hard habit to break. I’ve found that I can get into a swearing habit pretty easily, especially if I’m with people who are swearing frequently. Then I have to remind myself that not all words are appropriate in all situations.

Have your boys started swearing in imitation yet? That’s another can of worms. (If you mentioned this already, I apologize!)

I broke the habit of searing once. It wasn’t too hard. I just counted every time I swore so I was aware of it. It didn’t take long to stop.

@SpatzieLover What, specifically, do you think it may be a sign of? I

@all I appreciate very much your thoughts on this question. We were not fighting at the time when I asked her to not swear in front of them anymore but I’m sure she took it the wrong way. I asked her today about a swear jar and while she didn’t respond angrily.. she wasn’t up for the idea either. She would likely just keep swearing till the jar was full and then swear some more.

@Val123 Try as I might, I’m not able to utilize my superior telepathic talents to decipher what she’s thinking. I usually find out after the fact when I’ve done something “wrong” and it isn’t with prior warning (as you mentioned with the meat thing).

@all again. I don’t want to give the wrong impression of my wife here. I love her and I will always love her. She is sweet and caring and I will be happy to grow old with her! I’m only asking questions to try and… hmm.. get a broader perspective of our situation. I really don’t want it to seem like I’m just picking on her with these questions. I often type things out in a way that might make it seem as if I am. I’m really not. I just want to be better for her.

@NaturalMineralWater She leaves when you come home. If you can’t figure that out, you need more communication in your relationship.

Probably the best thing to do is have the kids tell her how it makes them feel when she curses at them. If they can’t say it- then have them draw it out. It also adds the bonus of teaching them how to talk about their feelings to someone in an authority figure.

@SpatzieLover Well we only have one car. I guess I left that part out. And it’s not as if she doesn’t mention where she’s going. We’ve had far too many trust issues in our relationship for me to start becoming paranoid.. at least that’s my take.

@NaturalMineralWater Well ;) That’s an important fact I didn’t know. It explains a LOT! we are also using one car at this time That also reinforces the statements above about her needing to de-stress.

BTW-I wasn’t thinking you should be paranoid, I was thinking you should want her to desire to spend time with you when you get home.

@SpatzieLover I desire to spend time with her at all times. I didn’t used to.. I used to spend more time on the computer… now the roles are reversed and she’s always on the computer or gone. In a way I’m getting what I deserve. I just want everything to balance out so we can get on with our lives after this very rocky year.

@NaturalMineralWater It’s nice that your desire is back. Where oh where did her’s go? Could you afford a weekend trip for just the two of you to re-connect? Or maybe a weekend at home if you could send the kids to a sleepover at family’s house?

@SpatzieLover The thing is .. I hurt her so deeply that she is probably incapable of seeing how much I love her. She, undoubtedly, doesn’t love me the same as she used to. I realize it’s going to take time to heal and that it’s not 100% that we’ll even make it. I’ve told her that I’m not going to stop trying to make us work until she tells me not to. I’m not sure if she’s at that point yet. I’ve even, admittedly, had sneaking suspicions that I’m only still around for my ability to provide financial stability and be a good dad to the kids. I really hope I’m not correct with my suspicions but.. I’ve had to learn the hard way several times in life that a great many people are not what they seem.

@NaturalMineralWater Are you completely opposed to couples and/or family counseling? Seems like this issue could warrant it.

@RedPowerLady There was a time in my life when I would have said counseling was stupid. Nearly losing my wife has taught me a great many things.. one of those things is the value of an impartial third party counselor. I look forward to the day when I can get her to go with me.

@NaturalMineralWater You can go on your own and it’ll still help the relationship. When she sees that you’ve lasted you can invite her to just one session with you. If that goes well then perhaps she’ll think about attending more sessions. The fact that your wife may not want to go with you shouldn’t stop you from doing whatever it takes to save your relationship, if that is truly what you want.

@RedPowerLady You are 100% correct. I’m just in a hurry for her to love me like she used to. I’ve had counseling from a friend of mine who happens to be a baptist preacher.. but I think what I need is for it to not be a friend at all.. a complete (yet qualified) stranger.

@NaturalMineralWater I agree that in this case a stranger (qualified) is probably best. In some cases preacher friends are fantastic. This just seems to be one of those where the other would be better.

@RedPowerLady Agreed. I’m sure she thinks that because it’s a friend it’s not really counseling.

@NaturalMineralWater Good point and your wife’s perceptions (correct or not) do matter in this scenario.

@RedPowerLady Of course they matter! I hope I’ve done everything in my power to make sure she doesn’t have to worry about any sketchy perceptions.

@NaturalMineralWater Somehow I knew that would be your response :)

@RedPowerLady Well maybe you can magically get her to see inside my head. Cuz right now .. I don’t know what she thinks of me.

@NaturalMineralWater Sounds like she just needs to find a healthy outlet for her anger and stress. Something you can openly support without ticking her off. Does she like art?

@RedPowerLady And how! She does all kinds of art, crochet and other things. She does those all the time. How much anger could she get out before calmness arrives? o.O

@NaturalMineralWater Perhaps you could enroll in an art class together? There are sometimes very cheap ones at local universities, community centers, and community colleges. That would help with anger and give you both something positive to focus on together. And we all know art is great therapy.

How much anger could she get out before calmness arrives?

Honestly?? Women (or the ones I know) can have A LOT of anger. Generally, for me personally, I will hold onto the anger until I feel the issue is resolved somehow. Perhaps there is something that is making her feel unsettled still.

@RedPowerLady Well we’ll have to find a babysitter first. That could be interesting.. finding someone qualified to take care of our boys.. XD

Wow.. women hold that much of a grudge huh? That’s unsettling.

@NaturalMineralWater I don’t know about women in general but I do and quite a few women I know are good at holding onto their anger, although I don’t think they’d admit it was a grudge. It isn’t about the anger or grudge, it’s about things being unsettled.

I say finding a good babysitter would be well worth it. Do you have a local University/College? There are often people in the education field who jump at babysitting for extra money.

There is always respite care too. Being that my oldest has fragile x syndrome I’m sure we qualify. I’ll have to check into that.

There are plenty of local universities and colleges too.

As far as the anger… I guess I’ll just have to do my best and wait it out.

@NaturalMineralWater Didn’t you get anything from what I said :P It might be a long time if you just wait it out. I suggest figuring out what she feels is unresolved and thinking hard about a way to sincerely reconcile that. Also the art class or something similar. Perhaps therapy. There are lots of active steps you can take.

That’s what I meant by the “do my best” part.

@NaturalMineralWater Sorry for misunderstanding. It’s past my bedtime, lol

@RedPowerLady Mine too. And I gotta get up early tomorrow. Hooray formations.

@Natural Wow.. women hold that much of a grudge huh? That’s unsettling.

I would say women have LooooooNG memories of anything that has yet to be resolved. Your wife would probably like things to be resolved and completed. She is most likely angry, frustrated, and disappointed at you, with her life, and in the fact that her life was turned upside down while she is raising kids. (just my best hunch from all you’ve said above).

Besides all of the above, you have proven to be untrustworthy in the past. Did you ever resolve that? Does she trust you? If not, trust building will need to be addressed first, then you can work on your unresolved issues.

Like @RedPowerLady, I think you both need counseling, or some team building effort (like that class mentioned) to get the foundation back.

@SpatzieLover I have very little reason to trust her either as she did the exact same thing as me.. either out of revenge or.. pain… or whatever… right now there is just not trust at all in the relationship.

Regaining trust is like squeezing water out of a cactus.

Beware the urge to stray after you have opened that sweetness.

Whatever you think now, trust me—you have no idea what having your head squeezed in a vice feels like.

@NaturalMineralWater I’m saddened to hear both of you have no trust for one another and are not actively attempting to rebuild it, at the very least for the sake of the kids. Now, I know the swearing is a symptom of all of this.

You both need to sit down, in private, when you’re both calm and discuss how what avenue you will venture down together to get the trust back.

If this happened to my husband & I, we would opt for a weekend marriage/trust building retreat, and then follow that up with at least a monthly check in to either group or private marriage counseling.

I have a thought about the swearing, too. Maybe each time you witness her temper building you could say “I’m sorry you are this frustrated with life dear. I feel your pain. Please don’t allow the kids to feel your pain, too

I wish your entire family peace, love and kindness.

I asked myself the same question. Couldn’t really find a good answer. When the kids are older it gets better.

@mattbrowne I hope you’re right. For now, all I can do is cringe and hope it will go away.

@NaturalMineralWater – It most likely will. On average the psychological pressure and stress is far more intense on mothers than on fathers. There’s also growing neurobiological evidence that female and male brains handle aggression differently.