What do you think of a person who would willingly have "revenge sex"?

I think it’s hypocritical and disgusting.

It’s not wrong as much as… I don’t know if I’d use the word hypocritical, but it’s just sinking to their level. I could say it’s wrong, and maybe it is, but I sort of feel like once that happens and it’s out in the open, why should the “victim” be held to standards that the “offender” didn’t feel the need to live up to? I guess it all comes down to whether or not the “victim” wants to take the high road or not.

I think it is a bad decision in nearly every possible scenario. Revenge in general does more harm to the person committing the act than to the target of their vengeance. Meaningless sex, especially when in emotional distress from a troubled relationship, often leaves a person filled with regrets. Combine to two, and there is little good that could come from it.

It’s not good, that’s for sure. It says the person is incredibly angry. That kind of anger makes it very difficult to reconcile and work on the relationship.

I don’t think it’s helpful to say what this says about her character. What is important is trying to understand her, and how she got to that point, and what it meant to her. You have to listen, not judge, and she has to do the same thing, or there’s no hope.

From what you’ve said in other questions, it sounds like things are really bad. What keeps you there?

(If I’m making assumptions that aren’t correct, I apologize.)

I think to do something like that would make the person seeking revenge actually feel worse. To compromise ones principals for revenge will only erode the soul.

I would pity them.

I don’t think it really makes a difference just because it’s revenge sex. Revenge is revenge, any way you look at it.

@daloon All you need is love. At the moment it’s damn near the only thing I’ve been holding onto.

I think if they cheated on you first, you tell them to go to hell move on and forget about it, revenge cheating just screams immaturity and lack of self respect….

Hasn’t anyone heard of the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right”? By having revenge sex, what are you accomplishing?

Two wrongs don’t make a right. I can’t really see how it would be fulfilling at all and can only see it as being just a painful act. Who would actually get hurt here? Both parties.
@ItalianPrincess1217 you beat me to it.

i think they should probably call me.

@eponymoushipster Speaking with “a friend” is what led to the whole thing. I really don’t think they should ever call you.

This happens frequently, it’s a good example of how emotional pain leads to anger sometimes, as @daloon previously asked.

It’s the moral fall of the person who was in the right, because they chose to react to someone else’s poor decision with another poor decision. As others have said, two wrongs rarely make a right.

I have found that most everything in life is how you react to it.

I think it speaks more highly of the person’s emotional intelligence quotient than their character.

@mcbealer Ive never heard of emotional intelligence lol, maybe integrity…

what is revenge sex?

@OutOfTheBlue ~ yeah it’s a reference to assessing someone’s ability to deal with adversity, their common sense, their problem solving skills, etc. – all of which are often better determinants of someone’s likelihood of suceeding in the real world vs. how smart they are.

@The_Compassionate_Heretic Pity would not become them!

@mcbealer Thanks for sharing that info. Common sense seems to be a rare thing these days…

I would not judge the character of a person on the act of revenge sex itself.
My opinion of their character would hinge on how they honestly felt the day after.

@OutOfTheBlue I thought common sense had been banned by the government and that’s why things like this exist! Political Correctness and all that!
We must not think less of anyone or spread it around that it has occurred because it may hurt the feelings of the instigator!

@Dog What if they said they felt no guilt whatsoever and never planned on telling you?

Anyway I’m up for it if anyone has a grudge! LOL!

@NaturalMineralWater Then I would have my answer.

I hope the revenge is over. You know, the first person has sex, the partner has revenge sex, the first person wants revenge sex to get revenge on the partner…. and on it goes.
It sounds like either counciling or just giving up now on the marriage. What does she want to do?

@chyna War of the Roses no?

@Dog Yes! Er, I mean, no, I hope that isn’t what is going on.

@chyna I’m not interested in revenge. My mistake was an isolated incident that I would trade my left leg to take back. I felt so much guilt that I told her as soon as I got home to see her in person.

I guess I asked the question because… I’m not sure if I’m just naive, blind, or too trusting to stick around so long with all the things that have happened in the last few months. It’s not going to change anything if I am those things… I’m still going to try to make it work.. I guess I just want a little third party perspective on the situation.. I know.. I know.. see a counselor.. lol

It belittles all three people involved.

@Val123 all four people involved, actually.

To be honest, I don’t think it’s really the place of the person who had revenge taken out on them (unless I’m misreading the situation, I apologize) to be critical of the character of the other. We’re all human, we all make mistakes, but if there has been a lot of shit going on, maybe (probably) the relationship needs to be reevaluated.

@Val123 Indeed, but mostly yourself…

@OutOfTheBlue Exactly.
@Havalina I understand what you’re saying, but to me, well, person 1, who did the bad thing first has NO room to criticize the SO who had revenge sex. However, the SO who did that insulted her/himself so totally and completely, along with using the 3rd person who they had the sex with…..so, all things considered, as @OutOfTheBlue said, the person having the revenge sex is the most insulted….(My math is old fashioned! How do you get 4?)

@Val123: The 4th is the person that the original cheater cheated with.

@hearkat Oh mercy! I hope the producers of “The Young and The Restless are watching,” because we’re writing a soap opera!

Well, since we don’t know the whole situation, I lean toward the 4th person being the most innocent and unaffected, as I’m assuming the 4th person didn’t know of the Cheater’s involvement with the, uh, 2nd person whom the cheater cheated on, and who had revenge sex with the first person…and, we really need some names here because I don’t know quite how the 1st person got to be the 1st person in all of this!

However, if the Fourth person knew of the Cheater’s involvement with the Revenge Sexer, and did it anyway, well, Fourth person is just as much as a skank as Cheater. But if Fourth person didn’t know, then they’re innocent.

I hate Soap Operas, BTW!

@Val123 LMAO!!

They are immature, full stop.

@OutOfTheBlue

HEEEYYYYY! thumbs up

@Mat74UK Cheers man!

@proXXi I’m not so sure it was a case of being immature as much as she was probably hurt and angry and felt betrayed. That doesn’t justify it, but it is what it is.

Revenge anything is immature imho.

@chyna Although you do make some very valid points, i have been there and done that and admit to wanting to do the revenge thing on more than one occasion, but calmed down and thought of the repercussions and then realized the best revenge is leaving the sorry ass who cheated in the first place.

What goes around comes around I guess. Two wrongs don’t make a right but it sure feels good sometimes.

@all I know it’s not my place to be critical of her actions. I’m just curious… now that I think about it.. I really have no place asking the question to begin with. Were it not for my actions.. none of this would have happened.

I’m just not sure if what I did was release something that had been there all along.

@OutOfTheBlue She very nearly did leave me… and perhaps I deserved it. But there is more to the situation that I don’t have the time or energy to explain here.

@LKidKyle1985 You got that right, Karma is a B-TO-THE-ITCH!!

@NaturalMineralWater No problem, some things are better left to dry inside instead of out for everyone to see!

@NaturalMineralWater I’m sure you’ll get around to telling us the story at some point, but right now I’m wondering what you’re doing to try to work things through, if you aren’t going to a counselor? Is she the one who refuses to go, or is there another reason why you aren’t going?

Why do you still love her after being treated like this? Are you sure this isn’t your guilt making you stay around to be punished and punished and punished? I’m sure that’s what I would do if I were in the same situation, and I’m also sure that’s not a good thing to do. You don’t need any less self esteem than you already don’t have!

If Karma were real than we would hear more about the dismal fates of crooked politicians more often. I believe more in consequences.

@daloon I’m not really sure why I’m still around. I know I love her, and she takes care of me. I’m sure part of it is that I just don’t want to be alone. Pretty weak.. I know.. but after ten years of marriage, the thought of being completely alone is dismal. I’ve been confused of my feelings for her throughout our marriage.. but we, of course, had kids right away.. and if nothing else is certain.. this is: I love my boys unconditionally.. and I would gladly fight my way through a rocky marriage to save them from not having a real father..

There have been times when I’ve been 100% sure she’s the one… and other times when I’ve seriously doubted… I think part of that was just me growing up and realizing that love is a choice, not a magical entity that is certain.

You guys will make it, @NaturalMineralWater. ....

@Val123 I hope you’re right. The thought of having to socialize with real live people again (in a dating environment) is daunting. XD

@NaturalMineralWater Karma is mos def real. Politicians get what’s coming to them in some way or another, you just may not see it…

I didn’t realiza this was an autobiographical thread

may love prevail, @NaturalMineralWater

You guys really, REALLY need to make it a priority to work this stuff out. I get the feeling you’re both willing to, but don’t know where to start, or how to do it. There used to be a thing that my husband and I went to once called, “Marriage Encounter.” It’s a really intensive weekend of self examination. It was pretty expensive too (included hotel room, breakfast, lunches and dinners.)
For free I’ll tell you the most valuable thing I came away from there with was, write it down. Write letters to each other. And not just the complaints, but how it makes you feel. Better yet, liken how you feel to some sort of visual image you have.

I remember writing to him that his choices made me feel like he was climbing into a deep, dark hole, and there was a rope tied around him, that was tied around me. The kids were hanging on to me (like baby possums) and as he inched deeper into the hole he was dragging me, and the kids, slowly along the ground in front of the hole. The kids and I weren’t actually IN the hole yet, but I felt like, at that point, I was stopping myself, and the kids, from falling in the hole with him, hanging on by my fingernails…..

Sadly, when all was said and done, I finally cut that rope, he fell in the hole (Seriously. He was making $50,000 a year when we split up in 1991. But he was getting ready to make some seriously bad decisions that involved quitting his job, which he finally did, after talking about it for a year, soon after I asked him to leave….At one point he ended up in a shelter for the homeless in Wa State WITH our 15 year old), and I stood up and made my way back to the light…..with the kids. He’s never made it all the way back.

Anyway, seriously give writing letters some thought. It lets you vent your emotions, say whatever the hell you want to say….but then you can always go back and edit. Use visual imagery. It sounds like she wants to try too, but doesn’t know how.

Working it out is easier said than done once the trust is gone, it may take a VERY VERY LONG TIME to ever get that back, and then again it may never come back and you’ll be miserable either way. Very few couples ever make it once one has broke that trust.

I know that sounded negative and i hope things work out for ya, but it’s the truth.

@OutOfTheBlue Yeah…there will forever be that question of, “Well he told me that this was the reason he’s going to be late, but…...” It’ll always be hanging in the air. Whereas before, the reason was accepted as the truth.

@all I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’ve tried to tell her how I feel but I think she gets annoyed that I’m having feelings.. as if I’m too emotional or something… I don’t know.. I have zero idea of what’s going on in her head. I would have bet all the money in the world that she would have never had “revenge sex” ... but I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought.

@NaturalMineralWater Time heals all.

@Dog I actually wrote a song with that line (i don’t care if it gets stolen… ) The line was “time heals all wounds but age” . I’m a living, breathing example.

Wait. So the cheater is hurt because the cheatee became the cheater? This is a pot/kettle sort of thing? How do we know the motivation was revenge? Maybe it was sorrow, or inadequacy, or a purging.

Counseling. If you love each other, you try.

@tinyfaery I was thinking along the same lines.

The act of revenge- despite what method from keying a car to sex or worse, is an act in response to extreme emotional pain. It is a way of getting even at all costs and the cost is usually steep emotionally in the aftermath.

I know that kind of anger and know the next day remorse when you lose yourself in your rage and do things that you yourself despise in others. To those of character there is no triumph in the act only a new self-loathing at what you allowed yourself to become.

@tinyfaery Believe it or not, it hurts like hell.. especially knowing that I’m responsible for her “revenge”. It’s not a pot/kettle thing.. it’s a pot realizing it’s a pot thing.

I know it was revenge because she said we are now “even”. And yes.. I’m sure it was sorrow.. feelings of inadequacy AND purging.

It’s shit like this that i don’t miss when it comes to relationships…

It’s self destructive and is usually a death knell for any reconciliation in a relationship because now the person who had the revenge sex is still hurt and angry at their partner but also at themselves. Revenge is rarely sweet for anyone.

How do you know for sure that there was an actual “revenge sex”? Could she have just said she did it, just to pay you back?

@chyna There’s no question. I found a note she had written to one of them.. and she started using new “tricks” that she learned from the other.

I’m sorry, but it would be time for me to exit the building, counseling would be out of the question and so would are relationship! But then again some people like playing silly childish games so…

So there is more than one revenge sex partner?

@OutOfTheBlue If I had a different upbringing I might be right there with you .. but.. as messed up as the relationship is.. I’m still committed .. the vows meant something to me.

@chyna One was a drunken escapade .. the other was with a long time “friend” (of hers) ... I use the word friend loosely and more often than not interchange it with “asshole” .. at least in my mind.

it is what it is you cant take things back but if someone was ok with giving revenge how do you know if they wont get over it and keep on doing it reguardless if you did it first, two wrongs dont make a right. the cycle will keep going and it just ends badly. its not right at all and just messes with your emotions. run away very very farrrr and NEVER look back(just my opinion) people that do that get me mad.

That’s all fine and dandy, but the vows where broken once the cheating took place..

@h3ll0kitty7990 I wish it was that easy.

@OutOfTheBlue In a way, I guess you’re right.. but I was referring more to the “till death do us part” thing.

@OutOfTheBlue A-E-I-Owe-U

it can be very confusing but if someone if willing to hurt you more then once they will most likely do it again.?(once a cheater always a cheater) there are always more fish in the sea. keep your options open and be happy

@h3ll0kitty7990 “Once a cheat always a cheat” is more often true than not.

true sometimes it brings the bond closer. (or the relationship stronger) but whos to say, if its ment to be its ment to be time will just tell. UNLESS it was one of your friends? i dont know if I could see things the same after that.

@h3ll0kitty7990 Once a cheater always a cheater is not always true. It is possible for @NaturalMineralWater and his wife to fix this if they both want to.

@jonsblond Hence, “more often than not” leaving a margin :) even though it’s a rare margin.

@OutOfTheBlue How is it possible to know that it is “more often than not”? I have a feeling many couples make mistakes that they would like to take back and they would never do again because they saw how badly they hurt their partner. It takes a very strong person to forgive and unfortunately many people don’t have the patience for forgiveness.

How does one not willing engage in revenge sex? Or is it more common for people to go out and get raped and consider that revenge, than I’m capable of imagining?

@jonsblond I am not going to debate you over it, i am giving an opinion it’s what i have found in life, i don’t think it’s an issue of once a cheat always a cheat, i think it’s more an issue of “i don’t care because ill cheat to” issue. Most cheaters will cheat again, and if not good, but most will, most relationships where there was cheating involved don’t work out in the end unless it is a rare case where they both get over it and imho they will never fully get over it, it always be in the back of there mind.

@Anon_Jihad Change your name to facetious.

@whoever The whole “once a cheater always a cheater” is a depressing thought. I refuse to believe that people can’t change because I’ve seen astronomical changes in both of us since everything happened. Once all the changes settle down, I just hope we are on the same page.. or .. at least on the same bookshelf.

It’s not just about forgiveness either, it’s about devoting yourself to someone only to have them shit on you, if someone can be in a relationship where the other person tells them to there face that they love them and if there is a strong connection only makes it worse, betrayal is about one of the worst feelings…

I honestly hope it does work out for them but most of the time it doesn’t..

She seems like she’s acting out. Did you marry young? I think she has one foot out the door. It’s time to have a talk.

@tinyfaery That was my mistake, she was to young! I will probably never get married again, and i will be looking for women closer to my age.

@tinyfaery
@OutOfTheBlue

The excuse people like of “being too young”, that’s a lot of bs. I know many people who married under the age of 21 and they all didn’t cheat. Cheating is a choice!

Sure, but reasons to choose are a result of experience and environment.

Agreed. Cheating is a choice.

Well, when your toddler colors all over your white walls with a stolen Sharpie marker or a box of Crayolas, that’s also a choice. But it’s a poor choice that can be attributed to the lack of knowledge and experience due to age. Much like young people cheating.

There’s a greater issue of morality involved with cheating over toddler graphitti.

@tinyfaery: I’ll buy some of the environment, how a person is raised and what they are taught about the positives of honoring a partner via commitment, health and fidelity but I don’t buy the inexperience bit. Too many of us didn’t have to learn through trial and error how to want to give our partners the ultimate respect and trust through our words and bodies.

Wanting to and knowing how are two different things. I’m not saying a cheater isn’t culpable, I’m saying that a cheater has reasons that are valid to them, and I will not judge. Many emotions go into cheating, especially when you have been the victim of cheating yourself.

@tinyfaery: I agree, I have experience with a cheater and contemplated becoming a cheater for a myriad of reasons. I didn’t make that choice though, freed myself up to be loved by a much better person instead.

Revenge sex is nonsense.

You can’t make sense out of nonsense.

You want to know the truth.. then you need to tell people that after you told her about your affair you lied to her and then fucked the same woman again. Then you need to tell them how you carried on your conversations with the other woman for months. And how you told your wife you needed time to pick one of them and how you told the other woman you were getting a divorce and how you told me you were to young when you two got married and your vows were null in void and how you did not love her. Tell them the whole truth if you are going to talk on here.. don’t leave out things if you are going to share and what people you do not know to give their opinions.

You want to know why I cheated.. I cheated because I felt like I was not good enough in bed. You never looked at me when we had sex and it made me feel like I was not beautiful. Like I was not good enough. Like I needed to be one of those sluts in the porn’s you would try watch behind my back.

I got tired of all the lies and it made me so angry. I AM ANGRY! Being faithful was never a issue for me. Gosh I was faithful for 13 years.. Give me a brake.. who kissed a woman the month after we got married. You get to explain away all your mistakes because you say they are bull crap. Give me a brake and stop acting like a victim..

I do not care what these people on here think of me or my morals. Yes I went down to your level and I regret that and I over stepped boundaries I never even though I could do but that gives no one the right to judge me.

I am just tired of being blamed for the reason why you cheated in the first place. I am just tired of the blame and the pointing of fingers.

Awesome.

Has anyone seen my dirty laundry? Oh.. there it is.. right there on the internets… hahahaha.. and here I thought it might be in the hamper.. how silly of me.

No respect.. you aired your laundry on here first with out telling the full truth.. it may help people to understand a little more why a person may do something so froging stupid.

happy valentines day…........

I have no excuses.. I should just accept the fact that I sinned and I am wrong. I do not want to blame you for my actions even though they were a direct result from being hurt. I made up my own mind to do the wrong things.

happy valentines to you too…............................

I really wish the best for both of you. It will be difficult, but if you want to stay together it is possible. It is time to look forward and not back.

I’m going to say something here about killing a good thing by degrees because I have experience. There is only so many times you can hurt a person’s feelings directly or even indirectly (sneaking porn, masturbating and then claiming to be tired for partner sex, drinking yourself into passing out instead of talking to your partner, whatever) before that person starts to feel lacking, unattractive and hurt turns to anger. Love might remain but it’s love of the past when the hurt person believed in your love for them. Like @jonsblond says, you can go forward and really make the efforts to show in your actions the love you have and the love you want to have. If it’s important then you’ll want to win each other and earn respect all over again. This is why when someone says to you, “if you should ever feel to give up on me then I’ll chase after you” you’d better do it.

After a forest fire there is complete devastation.
Nothing but ash remains.
But ash makes incredible fertilizer and supports new life that can be vulnerable at first but ultimately stronger and more beautiful than it’s predecessors.

And that was the REST of the story…..........sure puts things in a whole different light, doesn’t it.
NaturalMineralWater, you said, “Has anyone seen my dirty laundry? Oh.. there it is.. right there on the internets” Wow…you aired HER dirty laundry all over the internet, but when yours gets aired then it’s wrong…..?

Ummm—if a couple airs dirty laundry out in public, does that mean the public gets to play marriage counselor?

You both have my sympathy because you are both clearly hurting. Judging by the way you are desperately trying to talk to each other, I’d say that underneath it, you do have love for each other. I don’t know if it’s enough to keep you together. I hope so. I hope you can also figure out a way to talk to each other, letting down the barriers you have built up, without having to resort to the internet.

From personal experience I know it is possible to rebuild a relationship after cheating. I also know that it remains a precarious thing that can easily be destroyed at any time. You have to really want to be together. Otherwise it’s just pain and more pain. There are times when I am not at all sure I want it badly enough. This worries me.

@wundayatta Good point…..what if someone just really doesn’t want it badly enough? What if they can discard what they have at the moment with the confidence that “something better” is waiting for them just over the horizon? Even if that confidence is misplaced….

@Val123 And in addition to that, what if they are depressed and don’t think they deserve happiness?

@wundayatta That’s getting deep!

@Val123 It is?

@wundayatta Ya! How can you possibly know how to deal with a person who subconsciously feels they don’t deserve happiness?

well I know I deserve happiness and I am going to have it.

@Val123:
That is the reason why they say that loving oneself is prerequisite to being able to love another. When we doubt that we are lovable or worthy of happiness, we can not accept that our partner loves us as we are… we suspect them of having ulterior motives for being with us, and are always looking for signs of failure and sometimes will even sabotage the relationship.

Cheating usually happens because it gives the insecure person an ego boost, and a rush from the excitement. Reason gets thrown out of the window as adrenaline pumps through the veins. But the thrill can only last but so long… and we find that we are still the same person inside despite the change of ‘scenery’.

“Wherever you go, there you are.” Happiness can only be found within.

@hearkat
I agree with you! I know I have made my mistakes but I believe I am better for them.