Should I bring this up with my relative knowing that it may cause an intense argument?

Tough love applies when children have serious problems (like your relative’s above) as well as the other way around. Let her get defensive. Put on your emotional armor and offer an alternative program. Tell her you will accept no more phone calls until she is clean/sober.

If you are her free bank withdrawal system, she will not change. It sounds, sadly, as though she is unwilling or unable to stop drinking at the present.

I would not loan her any money.

She is using her own poor behavior as a crutch wanting others to support her and her chosen lifestyle. She can get a job just as she can quit drinking. She chooses not to.

I would not argue with her. I would just say “no” to any requests for aid. I would refuse to engage in dialogue with her if she attempts to manipulate you or impose guilt.

As @gailcalled says- she will only change once she is no longer enabled. Really her advice is dead-on.

My opinion is that you should read and re-read the above, thank @gailcalled, and immediately take her advice.

I would do as @Dog, just say no, but don’t argue with her over why because it’s not going to be productive and is going to cause you undue stress. Be firm.

I have been in this position. It is very difficult. You must not enable your relative to drink. That is what you are doing when you lend money.

Tel her you cannot give her any more money. Do not explain. If she asks why, just repeat what you said. Something like (in your own words). “I’m sorry, I am not able to lend you any more money.” Repeat as necessary.

Then, consider seeking out an Al-anon meeting. Al-anon is for relatives and friends of those with drinking problems. it is very helpful in understanding the alcoholic and how to interact with them.

@gaiclalled- thankyou, very much, it is difficult because she has a teen-aged daughter with a baby, and the money is to buy gas for the daughter’s car or food for the baby. If I don’t give her the money, then the daughter can’t get to work and the baby will go hungry. (I am not close to them, they live in a different town, I never met the baby)

@trailsillustrated I would contact the daughter directly. If need be and you feel inclined then buy a pre-paid gas card and send it DIRECTLY to her daughter.

Buy a gift certificate for local supermarket and send directly to daughter. Talk or write to market’s manager. He will cooperate, I bet.

And I thought you said she was using the money for drinks?

Where is the father of the baby?

@gailcalled- I am thinking of just sending the daughter a pre-paid visa card? the way it works, I give my relative the money and she gives it to the daughter. If she is broke, I assume she buys something to drink and then gives the rest to the daughter, which is what is irritating me. The father is around, he is teen-aged too, they both work in fast food places. Thankyou for your help

I agree with all of the above. Help the daughter or the baby in ways the mother cannot take advantage of, like a diaper gift card from Babies R Us (if you have one in your area). It can only be used for diapers. Along the same lines as the gas card, and they can use the money they save on diapers for baby food. I would guess that being a teen parent is hard enough without also having an alcoholic for a mother. :(

You could flat-out tell your relative that you want to help and support her, but will not do so with money. She can call you to talk, to ask for advice, or to help get through rough times. If the town they live in isn’t too far away, maybe you can have the daughter and baby over for dinner sometime, or to spend a day on the weekend. It might be good for her to have someone in her life that she can look up to or talk to other than her mom, if she doesn’t have anyone else.

@trailsillustrated Alocoholics lie. She knows you are willing to help the daughter. FOllow the wise advice from @gailcalled and @Dog. Manipulation is the alcoholics best weapon. No matter what she says, she drinks the money!

Pre-paid Visa can buy booze.

If I could give @gailcalled amd @Dog eleventy billion GAs, I would! Whatever you do, it should be non-transferable services and items directly to the daughter and her child. And if you can get the daughter info on WIC or other programs that will directly help the baby, I would do that instead of cash.

On a side note you may wish to contact other relatives. You may be suprised to find out how many people are providing “gas money”

Also note that WIC will ensure that the young mother and child will not go hungry.

thankyou so much, all. I was starting to wonder if I had any business being irritated at all. I’m going to send the daughter a pre-paid visa, so that it goes to her, not the mother, and be done with it. thanks again @Dog – everyone else has written her off. Our dad has given her thousands, but now that’s she graduated, he’s done too, I think

What I do with family in this situation is offer to buy them what they need. You can use the excuse that all you have is checks or blame hubby or just say that is how you prefer to do things now. My family was annoyed when I switched to this policy but it helped me out. Sometimes they change their mind (because they are wanting cigs or something I won’t purchase for them) and other times they graciously accept. It is a bit controlling but it is what I do for myself so I know I’m not entering a co-dependent relationship.

So you don’t have to ‘bring it up’ but you can address your concerns.

If you do want to bring it up, just because the issue is of concern to you and you love your family member then I say go for it. Remember though that you are not responsible for them. However I think that trying to help, to say something, at least once is a great thing we can do for each other.

I would follow the advice of @gailcalled and @Dog. And I wouldn’t send money to the daughter in any form unless I first found out for certain that the daughter needs the money. It could very well be just a ploy to get booze money.

In addition to Al-Anon, I would read this book. It explains what you can do to actually help your relative, and why you shouldn’t help them until they are ready.