What could be the cause and/or how do I solve my sexual contact anxiety?
Asked by
hiitisit (
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)
November 14th, 2009
I can’t believe anyone would want to go out with me even though I go out with someone (that I know will not last ‘cus of how I feel) I feel nervous about any sexual contact E.G. holding hands, kissing. I hate even flirting or even showing an interest in other people sexually or as a potential partner.
Plus many other problems.
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33 Answers
well why exactly do you nervous like what’s your reasoning? I have a similar nervous feeling my reasoning is because I’m afraid Ill mess up and do something stupid or wrong. What’s your issue or do you not know?
You have to remember that many others experience these exact feelings and that you should wait until you’re comfortable with the person
I think we might need more details but… I too struggle with even the thought of being physically intimate with someone, I know that for me it is because of years of abuse.
I must however, rather than criticize myself for feeling inadequate and scared, approach myself with understanding and compassion and make sure that I only give myself (in whatever capacity, even if that is just holding hands) to someone who will take care of me and be as gentle and as patient as I need them to be.
how old are you? if you don’t mind me asking?
My advice? Therapy to find the root of the problem, and date VERY VERY PATIENT people who you are extremely into. Some people just aren’t into sex in general, which is totally fine (try looking up asexuality, see if it fits the bill) but some are just really nervous about sexuality for some reason. I dated a girl who was just really anxious about anything sexual, so I never tried (or even asked her) to do anything sexual with me. Over the course of our relationship, she got more and more comfortable with kissing, cuddling, etc (we even had sex, although only a few times – she was still pretty freaked out by it, which made it not as fun as it could have been for either of us) and I made sure she initiated everything we did. So move slowly, and only do what you’re comfortable with. Don’t date anyone who tries to pressure you into anything you don’t want to do. You may have to wait till you find someone who is patient enough, because they really care about you. (When I say I was patient I am not exaggerating. I waiting two months after we started dating for our first kiss!)
@fireinthepriory
I think a girls may get freaked out knowing I’m anxiousness about sexual contact, it’s not as bad for girls to be like that.
I think any decent woman would be understanding and want to do things at your pace x she might even be relieved! x
oh! you’re a guy? in that case, you might just be a chicken. from one guy to another, man up!
i’ll make this simple for you: when you do something new, almost anything, you’re stepping into a huge inter-dimensional wormhole. you’re warping from the person you were to the person you will be. now, traversing the wormhole isn’t a smooth ride unless you’ve traveled down a similar wormhole before. so, the newer the type of wormhole, the less you’ll be able to handle the turbulence smoothly. the more you get used to a type of wormhole, the more smoothly you can handle the turbulence. the anxiety you’re feeling is the turbulence in the wormhole leading you from the shy inexperienced you to the casanova-ladiesman version of yourself that you want to be.
lol.. sorry, i just wanted to use wormholes in a comment. in brief: that anxiety is the very feeling of changing from one (shy) version of yourself to the next (confident) version of yourself.
@ninjacolin
Because I’m a man you’re going to treat me differently? I still can’t do it.
men and women have been scientifically proven to be different.
but someone we have in common is emotions and that is what this is all about.
emotions are what get affected.. but according to your question asking for a CAUSE.. what this is about is you not being an experienced inter-dimensional space-time traveler where concerns your sexuality.
the cause is inexperience.
and “man up!” is the appropriate expression. “man” being the Adult/Mature version of the male gender.
@ninjacolin I think you are being typically for a man a bit brusque and insensitive.
sorry, lynne.. :(
i’m just saying, @hiitisit, push through it. you’ll find a new you who doesn’t mind it so much once you have the experience of knowing that goodness is on the other side.
@ninjacolin Some people can’t “just push through it.” In all seriousness, it could be mentally scarring. @hiitisit , my advice stands, whether you’re male or female – especially the part about waiting till you’re with someone who respects you enough to stay with you despite your anxiety about this, and is willing to help you work through it. You can do it!! (Providing “getting over it” is something you want to do – you really should look up asexuality just in case you find that you identify that way.)
@ninjacolin not everyone feels that’s ever an appropriate suggestion
“Some people can’t “just push through it.””
well, i’m sorry you have no faith in him. i, however, do.
@ninjacolin There is a very important difference between pushing through something and working though it.
nope, in this case there isn’t a difference. not everyone needs to be coddled and i’m certain this guy doesn’t need coddling. Just some good advice.
Really, @hiitisit all you have to do is put yourself in the situation, acknowledge, do not avoid, your fears and discomforts, tell yourself in a sentence that you’re going to both “suffer” through and “learn” from it for exactly 2 minutes regardless of the outcome, take a second to break eye contact, look at her hand and then just be completely honest with her: “for some reason you give me some kinda trepidation about holding your hand, but i really want to”... then do it!
because of the honesty, you won’t have to worry about her “Finding out” because it was phrased so well, you won’t have to worry about her not wanting to. and the last amazing thing about this is that you’ll be doing it together, no longer alone.
the outcome for this exercise will be positive. get to work. tell her (more honesty) you want her to force you to hold hands at least once every 20 mins. ask her to help you to remember your goal. eventually, after you’ve gained that experience, you’ll just do it on your own quite naturally.
your inexperience is what’s making you scared. humans naturally fear the unknown. because you don’t know what holding hands and shit like that is suppose to be like, you’re mortified.. and because you didn’t have a proper understanding of how your baser instincts are working against you, you thought you needed some doctor’s prescription when really, all you need is familiarization with the activity that you fear.
@ninjacolin
I’m taking fireinthepriory advice and taking it very very slow.
i know, that’s what i’m trying to advise you against.
@ninjacolin
why though? It will help me go through this naturally.
because it’s not possible NOT to go through it naturally. either way. as long as you get to the other side of the anxiety.. so, why draw it out? you’re just giving the issue more power over you. you have to keep thinking about it day in and day out.. when it could all be resolved in like a day.. by tuesday, for example.
@ninjacolin
it would be like me having arachnophobia and you suggesting for me to jump in with a bunch of spiders, it doesn’t work like that.
that’s exactly how phobias get cured.
exposure. they do it over a long period of time but hand holding doesn’t have the same threat level to it. it has a pleasant consequence, not just a tolerable one.
think about it this way.. if you just said yes by now this whole conversation would be over. and i wouldn’t have to be spending my time trying to save yours. just take the path of least resistance already and thank me later.
@ninjacolin
I’ve already said I’m taking fireinthepriory advice.
@ninjacolin If you’re not going to listen to @hiitisit, how could you possibly give him good advice? He’s right – treating phobias doesn’t work that way. Yes, you do treat them by exposure, but not all at once. You have to build up to it slowly in order to not make the phobia even worse. Your “jump into the pool” method could potentially be such a terrible experience that he would never feel comfortable in sexual situations. EVER AGAIN. I don’t think @ninjacolin wants that! I have experience with a situation very similar to this, so I think maybe you should defer to me… especially as @hiitisit already said he was taking my advice!
(And @hiitisit – don’t get discouraged while you do work through this slowly. You’ll get there! xo)
^ if this were an auction, i would have out-bid you.
@ninjacolin
If I’m nervous doing this with your solution I’ll kiss bad, be awkward, etc and that will reassure me of why I didn’t want to do this in the first place. I’ll believe I’m not good at this and I will only remember how unpleasant it was and how bad I was.
after the 9/11 attacks, do you think the airlines just abandoned all airline security because of their gross performance? nope, they just made it better. got smarter. learned from their mistakes. mistakes are a part of your education, bro. get them done.
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