Getting over her; Do I have any options other than therapy?

Nothing to do but let time take care of it, you will eventually get over it. It may take a long time and it may happen tomorrow…

The same thing happened to me when I was 20, and it took therapy, prozac, and time to get over him.

I’ve found meditation to be helpful for me.

Do something other than abuse substances. This only helps with numbing the pain temporarily. If you have trouble staying off the stuff, don’t be afraid to ask for help in this.

Hanging on to this girl is not healthy. It will keep you from moving on.

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you well in facing this.

The reason why therapy is recommended is because you need to get it all out and look at the pieces of it over and over and over again, until you either get bored with it, or the realities of it finally hit home. As long as it stays in your head, silently sitting there, it stays interesting and fascinating, and part of you likes going there, even though it’s painful.

Friends do get tired of hearing it, but therapists will keep listening and will ask the difficult questions that you need to answer but avoid, because answering them means it really is over.

If it’s any consolation, you are not alone. Sometimes this is where talking to older people rather than people your own age can be helpful—they’re survivors of the pain.

Big hug. It’s not a quick, clean fix.

35 years ago, same thing happened to me. If you find the answer, let me know.
I have moved on, of course. I realize it wouldn’t have worked, and I have been married to a wonderful woman for the last 25 years.
But not a day goes by when I don’t think of her.

At 26 I spent a year drunk after an amazing and passionate relationship went wrong. It nearly killed me. But time does work wonders. The older I got, the more I was able to understand just what went wrong. A lot of it was my own selfishness and inability to trust others. And even now in my 40’s I’m learning from that relationship. I’ve recently separated. It does take two people to make a relationship work, and also to make one fail. It is a cooperative venture. Sometimes what went wrong can’t be fully explained. I had to accept that I can’t control how others feel or act, no matter what I try. I had to accept who I am, that I will learn from the mistakes that I have made, and try to live better because of them.

BTW, I ended up seeing her on and off for the next few years. We’ve remained friends to this day. That may be a rare occurrence – when both of you can come to terms with who you are and what went wrong, and still like each other in spite of it.

Short term therapy could be very helpful for you. It won’t change you as much as substance abuse might and will be ultimately much more productive. Most of us have been there at some point; it’s not easy to go through!

You are very verbal and great at explaining and analysis; those skills will help you a lot of you do decide to get help!

What ever happened to just giving it time?

@OutOfTheBlue I can’t stand to lose any more friends or relationships because of this. I want to get better. I know it’s going to take time, but if I can find a way to speed it up the healing process I’d be a lot happier.

I understand, all im saying is drugs aren’t the answer for everything, some people use them as a crutch i guess, but you shouldn’t need drugs for getting over a relationship or even counseling for that matter. Try and stay busy and find hobbies and hang out with new people..

@trumi, Speaking from personal experience, I think therapy will be beneficial for you, if only because it will enable you to organize your emotional life. You can compartmentalize talking about the relationship to the therapist, and you can make the subject off-limits with your friends.

It will seem weird at first, but you will get into the habit of only talking about it with the therapist. Your relationships with your friends will get back to “normal” and that will help speed up the healing process. Right now, you have no designated place to take it, and it spills out everywhere.

@OutOfTheBlue, therapy does not always mean medication, but prescribed, monitored medication is sometimes helpful to level the playing field when things are really out of whack. @trumi really needs to be able to talk through the relationship and the break-up, and the support he’s getting from friends isn’t enough, and going it on his own isn’t working for him either.

Hmm, sounds like there is more mental problems than just a break up if medication is needed, that is just my opinion, i have never needed counseling or drugs to get over an ex, it took me over 2 years to get over my last ex, you just deal with it and get on with life. You may never fully get over them, i just think the other methods are a waste of money and prescribed drugs just to get over someone is the same as drinking or self medicating, it’s just a Dr saying here take these instead of your dealer or bartender. Like i said it’s just my opinion.

To many people want a quick fix for everything these days and sadly some times there is not a quick fix for everything, you just have to deal with shit and move on.

Someone breaking your heart when you’re still in love with them is not to be taken lightly. It’s been compared to loosing someone to death (I don’t have a source for this, but perhaps someone else has heard this and can back me up). There’s never enough closure for the one left hanging.

As someone who knows very well how you are feeling and what you’ve gone through, I would suggest you see a counselor, especially since you are practicing self destruction. You can be healed by time alone, though there is no guarantee. Furthermore, why prolong getting help? You are suffering. Your emotions, sanity, relationships, future, body and soul are all suffering in this. Use the tools in your world to get you through it the quickest and easiest way you can. One being a counselor.

It took me years and years to get over my “event.” I had to grieve for two years, then move to a new town to even feel human. I was destructive, too, but my method was sleeping with as many strangers as would have me. Took me another 3 years and meeting a fantastic man (now my husband) to be completely free of all the negativity I gained from that one break-up. I wish I’d had the means to see someone professional for help.

Good luck to you. I hope you find what you need. And hang in there- you will be better one day and you will want as much of your original self intact when you arrive there.

You said you don’t want to get back together with her? If she gave you the option, would you? If you say no and really mean it, I would recommend discussing this with your most recent ex and asking for patience while you look into therapy.
What is it about her that’s still on your mind? Are you still attracted to her? Are you confused about what went wrong?
I am glad you’re asking for help on this. Sometimes time heals you but it’s not guaranteed and not if you’re not willing to help. A friend of mine is still stuck on a guy after 5 years and I don’t see any hope for her soon. This is because she just doesn’t care to change things with him.
Therapy is not a bad thing. People don’t always go to therapy because they are “sick” or need meds. A lot of people go to therapy just to talk about random problems. (For example, as a student I go weekly to keep up on things. Kind of an emotional/stress checkup). As said before, therapists are supposed to be there for you and help you talk it out, fully. Your therapist will have you recount the relationship and figure out what exactly about it is making her stick to you. Your therapist will try to help you figure out more personalized solutions based on the information about yourself you share. I highly recommend go to a therapist and making sure you find one you are comfortable with. Make it clear to him/her what you are looking for in this therapy and give them time to get to know you. Not all therapists are the same and you are allowed to explain what you’re looking for from them.
Outside of therapy, not having contact with her may be the best solution. Some people try to get back in contact (like my friend) and stay there, continuing to pine. It depends on what your problem really is and I think a therapist will help you figure it out.

@OutOfTheBlue I won’t take prescription drugs even if my therapist feels it’s a good idea. I wouldn’t be okay with that. I don’t feel that I need them, nobody I’ve talked to has. But I’m an over-thinker with low self esteem, and I’m looking for a way to stop me from dwelling on her. I’m not looking for a quick fix, I just don’t want to be sad anymore.

@ubersiren My recreational drug use is under control, but I recognize that it’s not healthy and could develop into a bigger problem. My main affliction is my addiction to cigarettes, which I know are a crutch…

@Iclamae I wouldn’t take her back. My recent ex knows that, and my baggage is not the main issue we broke up (it was mostly her issues as she adjusts to a new school and work situation, she had been very stressed out and the relationship was suffering because of it.) What’s still on my mind is the whole ordeal… It was senselessly complicated and drawn out.

@PandoraBoxx My friends are great, and most of the friendships are stronger than ever. They’re there to keep me off my mind, but they’ll always listen if I really need to talk. I just know that they’re generally sick of hearing about it. I hope you’re right about the role of therapy in compartmentalizing my thoughts… That’s really what I need.

I want to thank everyone that has responded so far, you’ve been giving thoughtful and well reasoned answers. I’m feeling a general encouragement to pursue therapy/counseling (Is there a difference as far as which I should look for?), and I’m glad to hear that the idea is a good one.

Does anybody have a suggest as far as what type of doctor I should look for? Therapist, counselor, psychologist…

I think you could look for either a counselor at your school if they have a good counseling department or a referral from them to a therapist with an MSW who does short term counseling.

Good luck and keep us informed!

Start with a counselor, then if you’re still not feeling progress, talk to your general practitioner and s/he may be able to recommend someone for you.

what @ubersiren said. There is also the benefit of counseling at school being free most of the time.

I think some type of therapy can help. Even if it’s just for the sole fact that it allows you to talk to a (hopefully, if they’re doing their job right) supportive, unbiased third party about your problems.

I believe it is possible to work through the issues you have described without therapy, but it would take much longer and be a lot less complete. Just like you could walk everywhere you want to go, but why when there is an easier way.

Mate, matters of the heart are different for everybody. Personally, if your abusing substances, i would go see someone. They aren’t just there to listen, they are there to provide insight and coping mechanisms so you can move on.

Hope it gets easier for you.

Dale

@FishGutsDale welcome to fluther. Lurve.

@filmfann Thank you. I think i might get obsessed with this site haha.

Dale

@FishGutsDale – Awwwww your frist fluther experience! I’m so proud of you!! Luuuuurve to you also!!

@Courtybean- Hahahah thanks! Loving the luuurve!

Friend, you do not realize how much mind power you posses. Your self destructive behavior.. it’s you, not her or the thought of her, it’s all about you.

She has no power over you, but you decided what you want to think and do. YOU and only YOU have control over yourself and your actions. Put that power to good use. Yes, I do understand that thoughts of her pop into your mind. Use your own mind to push the thoughts down and think of something more positive and helpful for yourself.

Time does heal, but you can help it along by pushing away negative thoughts and doing good towards other… ( I don’t say yourself, because we tend to be pretty selfish as it is. )

Take care my friend and don’t let your mind get the best of you..

Just wanted to update: I’m a few weeks into therapy, and it’s going pretty well. He’s a good listener and I enjoy going. So far he’s made me think about things in new ways, and I think I’ll be able to make progress with him. Thanks for the advice!

@trumi thanks for the update, keep up the good work