I have a reunion to attend next month, and my ex-best friend will be there. What's the best way to approach this?

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

When that doesn’t work, like she comes up and starts making small talk, be civil and cool toned.

Then back to Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

It’s 3 years. Give your ex friend the benefit of the doubt and try to reconcile this if it’s important to you.

If reconciliation isn’t an option, move along.

Holding a grudge is a complete waste of energy.

Passive aggressive behavior is NOT the way to go here. Never is.

For the most part I agree with @The_Compassionate_Heretic. I don’t think you need to reconcile necessarily if you don’t feel you can but, for your own sake, at least be civil and even friendly for that one night especially as you are one of the hosts.

I can completely understand your hurt that she betrayed your trust but don’t hold the fact that you feel she is a doormat to her husband against her because, after all, regardless of your thoughts on such women, that is her business and not yours and if you were to let that feeling dictate how you treat her on the night it is you who will look bad.

I say go right up to her with a big smile a hug and tell her how fabulous she looks. She probably anticipates an incomfortable moment or evening with you there, but you can sweep it all away by being nice and forgiving. If you want to hold onto the hate then I guess you can snub her and avoid her, but I think you will look more generous and the better person if you are congenial and open. Lots of stuff happens when we are young and in school, and most of us grow up to be better people. I would not hold onto things that happened so many years ago.

be as friendly as you would be to someone you have never met and never expect to see again. When this happened to me and the ‘friend’ rushed up for a big hug, I stepped back, shook her hand, and said, ‘how very nice too see you again’ with a smile. Then I turned my attention to the other people.

Well, @trailsillustrated just kind of blasted my idea out of the water. I would find that reaction awful and upsetting if I tried to put the past in the past.

@JLeslie I dunno, would you really if you had betrayed someone, and that was their reaction to you? after all, it’s friendly enough.

Don’t cause drama at this event. It’s supposed to be fun! Forget all the hard feelings for one day. You have to decide whether or not you want to be the first to initiate conversation. It would sure break the ice and that’s the most difficult part. Once you get the awkwardness out of the way, the rest will be easy. Remember that this event is not the place to let out all your emotions about what your ex friend did to you. If you feel the need to hash things out with her, get her phone number and talk about things at a later time.

I don’t hold onto grudges, especially ones committed before the age of 22. Generally, I like people to feel comfortable and know everything is ok now, rather than keeping the awkward and hurt feelings alive. In your scenario I am the one trying to put the past in the past, and you seem to want to keep the upper hand of being the one I have to go to for forgiveness, instead of just making it all better. Of course I don’t know your specific situation, so I don’t want to come across as though I am judging how you behaved. More, I am working from my own experience of trying to apologize or make things more comfortable and instead of the other person reciprocating they take my apology or nice gesture as a way to just prove I was wrong or more needy or whatever. Why not just make up? Especially if the other person has put out the olive branch?

I agree with @ItalianPrincess1217 if in the end you want to talk about what happened in the past you can talk after the party and get your feelings out and resolve things if you feel so inclined.

@JLeslie true,true. I have no idea about the OP’s relationship with this person or if she is interested in ever having some sort of friendship with her. In my case, the person was now a stranger, no hard feelings at all, no different than if someone on the street had greeted me with a hug. I agree with @ItalianPrincess1217 , too.

@trailsillustrated But your reaction kind of said to the other person we are not friends and how dare you act so friendly with me. It doesn’t even matter if you will be friends again in the future, you kept an air of unequalness between the two of you even in party situations. She probably will never approach you again, not even like an acquaintance. Why should she? Just to to be burned twice. At reunions almost everyone is a stranger, we only keep in touch with a few from school.

It is usually best to say hello.

@JLeslie no,I treated her exactly as I would have treated any friendly stranger, no hard feelings, I am sorry if I hurt her feelings, but I am not interested in that person or her life at all, if she approached me I would say hello, then move on. I am over it, I’m sure she is too.

I’ve always killed enemies with kindness. 1. It confuses them. 2. It makes me feel like less of a dick. 3. It makes them feel like more of a dick.

@trailsillustrated my point is she treated you as more than that, she treated you as someone she knew previously.

@JLeslie oh well. I was nice, I was civil. I am really not interested in how she feels about anything, I am not part of her life nor she mine, so, well. I don’t owe her or that person walking over there across the street anything.

You may be surprised that she will avoid you. I did some pretty thoughtless things when I was in high school. They were more out of selfishness and stupidity than any overt attempt to hurt someone, but I am still ashamed to this day. I know there were other stupid things that I have even blocked out.
Bottom line, I mourn the loss of the friendships I ruined and I know that nothing I do will ever make things the same. If I were to face those people today, my predominate feelings would be humility and shame. I would not approach them at a party, unless I felt it was appropriate to apologize. I would never expect forgiveness though, and never in a million years expect them to trust me again.
Hopefully, I have learned from the mistakes of the past and am a kinder person in this world.
Just know, that people do a lot of changing in those first few years after high school. She might be a completely different person.
Then again, there was the snobby girl at my daughters 10 year reunion who whispered to her, “Aren’t you glad we’re doing so much better than these people?” Some people don’t learn and don’t change.

@trailsillustrated Fair enough. You didn’t care so you acted that way. I guess that is something I have to deal with in my situation, the other person really has stopped caring about my relationship with her.

@JLeslie depends on how bad er, she burned you or vice versa. If you were the er, betrayer or whatever it was, sometimes you can’t expect the other person to come round. For them, the friendship is forever changed, gone.

@trailsillustrated mine is a family relation by marriage, she says everything is fine, but acts differently. I think some of it is cultural, how they do it in my husbands family, but I find it offensive and mean, and impossible to know how she really feels since she would never just talk for 2 minutes about what happened between us. Since her actions do not match her words in my opinion I am left just confused by the whole thing. We both said mean things to each other one night. It is different than the high school situation I realize. I have a difficult time accepting our relationship has to be FOREVER changed by this one incident, but it seems that is the way it is. I really don’t understand why she has to be like that? Since I have to interact with her more than a high school friend who you will only see at reunions, it is different.

By the way, she was a total bitch, accused my of things that were untrue, and started the whole argument. My mistake was trying to defend myself, and I said some hurtful things towards her also. We both said hurtful things. I later tried to apologize, and hoped she would just apologyze back and say everything was fine, but when I tried she said, “don’t talk to me and left the room.” Very rude in my opinion.

@JLeslie it sounds like the sort of thing that time will take care of. just time. As long as you’ve apologised for your part, and your behaviour is the same, time will heal that one.

@trailsillustrated Well, no. Not for me. She missed her opportunity when she let it go on for years. Now she is just a bitch in my eyes. She would have to verbally say something to me to make it better, take some responsibility. Just acting like it never happened will never be enough now—too late.

@JLeslie – rude, and childish. but since this is family and you can’t not deal with her, your behaviour can be the same, and you are wise enough to not expose yourself to out and out toxicity. Were you ever close to this woman?

@trailsillustrated I would say we were close-ish for a long while there. I said to her mother regarding the situation that I felt a real loss when our relationship changed, and her mother said, “I didn’t know that.” Pissed me off, because it was obvious I wanted to make up and smooth things over, but they jump to anger always, they figured I was angry like how they are. They cut-off people all of the time in the family, and then someone gets married and everyone talks again, BUT nothing is ever really better. I find it ridiculous. No one ever clears the air. There is a whole dynamic in the family that I won’t go into, because I feel like I am hijacking this thread.

I talk to people I don’t like all the time. Recently I was at a party with people who did crap to me forever ago that was far from nice and pretty unforgivable. Since they’re the kind of people who regularly do things that other people wouldn’t, doing it to me doesn’t stand out. I kind of thought they might be there, but I was there for the hostess and wasn’t going to let a few assholes keep me away.

The way I deal with it is being perfectly, impeccably polite. Impersonally talk to the person, excuse yourself to go do something else, and go on with your life.

@JLeslie- not to hijack but I would just say as with all radiation, limit your exposure

@trailsillustrated GA. I am at that point. I find the whole thing very dissapointing.

@my_helpful_jellies Maybe I should clarify some details. The events that ended our friendship happened last year, not in high school. We became best friends in high school and kept in close touch for the few years after. Now we live 7 hours apart and don’t interact anymore; the problems aren’t part of my life anymore. I’m just concerned that unresolved emotions will come up with this reunion (from either side of the story). If she does put out an olive branch, I plan on completely being civil with her, but such an offer has never been made.

@SheWasAll_ if she extends the branch, you can decide if you want to take it or not. Perhaps, if she does, as @ItalianPrincess1217 said, you could discuss it after the party or sometime later

It’s time to put on the big girl panties and get over it. High school drama ends at high school. Doesn’t mean you have to be best friends, or even friends, but it does mean that you have to be pleasant and cordial for the evening so you don’t ruin the evening for everyone else who’s there. At the very least, treat her as if you’ve never met her before.

@PandoraBoxx As she said, this was only last year. Not high school.

@JLeslie Lots of stuff happens when we are young and in school, and most of us grow up to be better people. I would not hold onto things that happened so many years ago.
Amen to that!

@Adagio See above.

To echo some others who’ve already posted, I would avoid interaction with her, basically pretend she doesn’t exist. If it’s unavoidable, I would be civil, polite, and icy, so as to discourage further interaction. Then I would move on to talk to other people who haven’t screwed me over.

I think the best thing you could do is forgive her. Life is way to short to hold grudges. It doesn’t benefit you to not forgive her. I mean waht do you have to lose? Besides it was high school.

@sky876 Again, this happened last year. Not high school. If @SheWasAll_ was on the question at the moment, I’m sure she would refer you to the above comment where she clarified.

I’m seeing where she clarified, but this is still high school drama. The fact that this person chose her now husband over her friends is her own business. People do this all the time. Then the stars fall from their eyes, reality sets in, and they eventually become whole people again.

Here’s the choices:
1. Don’t attend your own event because you might run into her.
2. Attend the event, and cause a scene, ruining the event for everyone else.
3. Call her beforehand and ask her not to come. This course of action might result result in her calling everyone and telling them that you did that, resulting in more petty high school-esque drama going on.
4. Go and avoid her, which may result in people talking about why you’re not talking to her—again, resulting in more high school-esque drama.
5. Attend the event. It’s a DRAMA CLUB reuion, no? ACT. You don’t have to like her. Play the role. Put on the big girl panties and play the character of someone that is big enough to forgive and forget, even if you’re not.

#5 is your only option, because it’s the only way that you win. All the other choices, she wins.

I appreciate all the input, but I feel this needs to be abandoned now because I’m feeling a little insulted (and embarrassed) by the judgment being passed here (from me to others also). Thanks all, and please don’t judge me based on this. I am not a hateful person (well, not usually shut up Jane). I know this all sounds immature and petty and pathetic and lame and any other awful adjective you can think of, but this is not my typical mentality. I just needed unbiased opinions since everyone also attending who I’ve asked knows the whole story and can’t give me neutral advice. Thanks again.