Have your parents ever pressured you for grandchildren?

My faux-best friend’s grandmother like this. Even though the woman was like 85—she pressured her single 19 year old grand daughter for a grand child.
Well she got one. I don’t approve of how it happened.. but I guess if you wish for something hard enough—you can’t really bitch about how it came about.

No, my parents got their grandchildren without even asking.

Now I’m waiting for my three adult grandchildren to give me great-grandchildren

Neither of my parents have been pushy on the kid issue. Then again, they both believe in waiting until we’re ready.

I don’t get the ‘gay people don’t have kids’ thing. Surrogate, adoption etc.

My parents never pressured me. I hope I will never pressure my kids…. Most important is finding the right partner to share your life whether or not you are gay, or remaining single if that is your choice. Too many kids end up having parents who are not ready for the responsibilities of having children. It is a very long committment, the most difficult job anyone will ever undertake and the one you can mess up the most at. Having someone with you who will make decisions that puts the kids first helps you get thru some tough times. Gay or straight, it doesn’t matter. Being in a good relationship, ready to put kids first always….those things matter…its a big responsibility that I would never pressure my kid into….

I was expecting my married son would have children one3 day but surprised at how soon they started so I wouldn’t say I was pressuring them at all.

No, both my parents know that the chances of getting grandchildren from me is pretty slim. They will have to count on my brother and his girlfriend for that but not anytime soon and they don’t seem to worried about having grandchildren right now anyway.

My parents have always been really good about not pressuring us. When the subject of grandkids and babies comes up in conversation, I can always tell that my mom is really excited about the prospect of being a grandma one day, but she’s very good about not translating that into pressure to make it happen now. That’s one of the things I love most about her – she lets me know when she has an opinion, but she doesn’t expect me to change my life because of it.

Well, I made it clear (when I was about 15, mind you) that I didn’t want kids, and to this day my mom will say things like “I know you don’t want kids, but…” and then talk about how much she loves babies and wants grandkids or whatever. I don’t want to tell her than I’m really not so against the idea anymore because I’m afraid then she’ll start getting excited and freak out every time I start dating someone. (Another note; I’m gay, but my mom – being pretty cool – never assumed that meant I wouldn’t have kids.) In any case, my mom has got six kids – chances are that even if none of us wanted to have babies she’s get at least one or two grandkids just by accident! (She didn’t appreciate it when I made that observation to her though…)

My parents didn’t, because I gave them one earlier than expected. I was 24 and had been with my bf 4 years, but it was an unplanned pregnancy.

I have told my son (he’s my one and only child, and is also 18) that I am looking forward to being a grandma, but I do not want to become one until I am at least 50. I started saying this a few years ago, when I first found out that he’d lost his virginity. He is heterosexual, so I can’t address that aspect of your question.

Perhaps when you are older and settled into a career and a relationship you may want to be a parent… but the choice should be based on making a committment to love and teach a child, not to please your parents.

My mom never says anything about me having children. My dad has in the the last few years (I’m 41 and married 16 years). My grandmother used to bring it up went I would visit before she passed away 3 years ago. Not when I was first married, but the last 5 years before she died. She would say, “JLeslie, you need to get a baby (she knew I had fertility problems) we are going to end, we won’t continue.”

@JLeslie “Get a baby!” Oh my gosh, that is adorable. :D

My mom always bothered me about that, and Now i feel bad that she will never actually be able to hold her grand child . But my father just says he’ll kill the boy. My father is very protective.

My parents would never say a word, and I’m not so sure they care about grandchildren at all. Unfortunately, my grandma is the exact opposite. I get a lot of pressure from her to find a nice Jewish boy and have babies. I don’t mind it too much, since she’s pretty old.

My mom occasionally references her “second biological clock” then gives me a look. Subtlety is not her thing.

I don’t think it’s selfish to want grandchildren. I know I would love them someday, even if my son is gay..I will hope that he and his partner adopt. I don’t see anything wrong in wanting that. I would never force it upon him, but I’m sure once they had been married for a little while, I’d make little comments…nothing annoying, but jokingly.

My parents definitely didn’t pressure me. I had my first at 20, and I know my father felt I was too young. They were supportive though. Prior to my getting pregnant currently, my mother was always making little remarks, and asking when we were going to have another child. She knows I want at least three children, and I think she knew we didn’t want to have a huge age gap. So, she was always asking “so when do you think you’ll get pregnant” like we even plan it at all. lol. Oh, and I’m convinced she knew I was, when I withheld it from her for 12 weeks. She was very persistent in asking pregnancy questions…especially at the dinner table.
They are very excited to have a second grandchild. And I’m glad they know we’re going to have a third, but they know we want to wait at least two years from the birth of this baby, for that.

Yep. I just tell them that I won’t be having children. If they continue talking about it, I walk away. They’ve recently been telling me how they “want a baby.” That’s not my problem…

Oh yeah, my mom wants grandkids something fierce. She doesn’t talk about it inappropriately like you see in movies, but she does bring it up fairly often. Mostly, she asks whether I want them, whether I see myself having them any time soon, etc. The answer is always yes, I don’t know why she keeps asking.

Dominic, I think you’re still young enough to where your folks probably feel there’s loads of time. I’m 33, my clock is ticking, and I’m gay, so that rules out accidental pregnancies. Not to mention, I’m single and nowhere near finding the one and settling down and having kids.

I was never pressured, and I’m still not. My parents waited almost 20 years after they were married to have children, so they understand that you need to feel truly ready to have children, and parents should not try to change that.

Unfortunately, that means that my family is pretty old. My grandparents all died when I was fairly young (13–14) so I didn’t have much time to spend with them. My parents are in their 60s, I’m in my early 20s and I don’t intend to have children any time soon.

Luckily for them (and me, I guess) my older sister had a baby last month, so if there was any pressure on me to have kids to begin with, it’s definitely lessened. :P

The desire to have grandchildren stems directly for the instinct to procreate and have one’s genes survive in the next generations. It’s selfish, yes, but it’s part of human nature.

My fiance’s mom tries to hint all the time that she’s not getting any younger and she’s really hoping for some grandchildren soon. She has 2 older daughters but neither are even dating at this time so kids probably won’t be coming from them anytime soon. She’s really counting on her son and I. But I have to remind her that we want to live a little more of our lives first before bringing a child into the world. I’ve asked her to hold out for a couple more years :)

My mom never said a word, but I found out when I became pregnant that she had been secretly buying little things in hope of a grandchild. She has hinted that she would like another one, but accepted it when I said it wasn’t going to happen.

It was the first thing my in-laws asked when we told them we were engaged. They give me shit about not wanting more than one child all the time, too. So sad for them that it isn’t their decision to make.

@casheroo

The reason I said it was selfish is because it seemed like people were disappointed because they don’t get grandchildren for themselves. Isn’t that what selfishness is? It’s not the same thing as being disappointed that their children wouldn’t experience the joys of having children…that wouldn’t be selfish. But to be disappointed because you don’t get something from your children is kind of selfish because you’re making it about you rather than about them.

@DominicX I guess it is selfish. But, I see it as not a negative selfish. Who cares if the parents wanted grandchildren and are upset because they aren’t getting them? If you really don’t want kids, then don’t have them. But, if you know it upsets your parents then don’t disregard their feelings just because you think it’s selfish. Heck, I’d mourn if I never had grandchildren. But, I’d never make my own children feel badly for it. It’s be my personal feelings. I’d whine to my husband about not being able to have children to dote on..you can’t exactly go up to strangers babies and get to hold them and see them grow into adults.

@casheroo

I don’t think they should disregard their feelings, but I don’t think they should feel pressured to have children just because their parents want grandchildren.

I called my mom to tell her about a big promotion I got. She congratulated me and then said, “Okay, so what’s the timetable for my grandbabies?”

@DominicX well first of all I believe you’re still quite young, so even if you weren’t gay, your parents wouldn’t start bugging you for another decade or so. Mainly because they’re not all that old themselves yet. It’s only when a person nears the end of their own life (or at least their working life) that they start thinking about death, the family name, retirement, grandchildren and all that. If your parents are still in their early 50s, they’re probably too worried about their daily routine and mortgage and so on to think about the afterlife.

Secondly, I guess it’s different for men and women. If you’re an only son, your parents (depending on their social and cultural bavckground of course) would want you to continue the lineage. In that sense, my father was just as disappointed that my only child is a daughter as he would have been if I were gay or sterile. Similarly, I wouldn’t care much if my daughter were gay or straight, at least in terms of the family line, since she wouldn’t be keeping my name anyway (and I wouldn’t care about her keeping it to start with). Personally I’m more interested in her having a happy life and eventually giving me some grandchildren to play with than any name she or her children may be carrying. But if she decides not to have kids, I won’t try and bug her (at least that’s what I say now, ask me again in 30 years).

Also remember that parents always like to bug kids about something. Anything. First it was my marks at school, then I got good marks but they complained that I’d got them without studying, so they didn’t count. Then I got a scholarship at uni and they complained that this was because the uni can’t have been that good (if it would give a loser like myself a scholarship). Then I finished top of my class, but it only meant my class must have been a bunch of losers, so I was hanging around bad company. Then they complained that I had no job, then that I got a job in the Czech Republic which was too far. And when was I gonna settle down and have a family? When I finally did marry, they nagged me to have a child, and when I did that, they nagged me to finalise my divorce so I could marry again. Now they’re complaining I don’t have a car (I have 4, but none of them is good enough). And why don’t I have a girlfriend, and when am I going to get married again? And how come I don’t have a son?

There’s always something…I’ve learnt to ignore them.

@Jack79 Having a girl usually means not continuing the family name, I never thought of it in terms of losing the family lineage?

Well, in some cultures the “lineage” goes from father to son, together with the name. Women just marry into an existing family (detaching themselves from their paternal family). So even if a daughter keeps the name and passes it on (eg never gets married to her child’s father), it’s not considered the same. Also, property (and in previous centuries, profession) got inherited together with that. I think it made more sense mainly because of the profession back then, even though in our days it would sound a lot more rational if the name (and everything else) got passed on from mother to daughter.

When we found out we were going to have a girl, both me and my wife were happy, because both of us preferred a girl. Most people however were saying things like “it’s ok, girls are also not that bad. You can always get a boy next time”. So even though for people of my generation it’s no big deal, keeping the family name alive is extremely important for older generations. My father never said anything, but I know he’s still hoping I’ll remarry and give him a grandson (obviously baring his name too). He has one from my sister, but it’s not the same. Even though he loves all three of his grandchildren, I’m pretty sure that a grandson on my side would be worth more than the other three put together.

When my (ex) husband and I announced he had gotten a vasectomy then his family was very angry for a bit and my mother got angry which I totally didn’t expect but she got over it quickly. We were told we were selfish but I never felt guilt, remorse or regret. If I want a biological child (I’ve had a tubal ligation) then I can always turn to science to Mickey Mouse one together for me, no worries.

I didn’t realize that carrying on a family name was still important to people. That is so different than the way that I grew up. I am an only child and a girl and I always felt just as important as all of my other cousins. Maybe because my parents lost both my brother and sister, family name etc just wasn’t a priority. A gay man can still have children and pass on his name, if that is important. There are many different ways to have families. What is really important is the love and caring.

@JLeslie My Great Grandmother who is very old fashioned was highly annoyed when her first three great grandchildren (myself being the first) where born girls, she even went so far as to say “what good are girls?” When my brother came along she was so pleased that finally, the family name could be continued. Needless to say, she is not my favourite relative although, at the age of 97 she has finally mellowed a little bit!

@Leanne1986 I feel badly that my fathers name won’t continue. My paternal grandfather came to America in very difficult conditions and had a very difficult life. My maiden name is fairly rare also. But, that has nothing to do with the lineage to me, which I feel badly about also since my sister and I don’t have children. It is not just because my family won’t continue, some of it has to do with not adding more Jewish people to the planet. Which, by the way in Judaism the mother is scene as the one who passes the religion down, children are raised by the women. In Reformed Judaism it is accepted by many that if the father is Jewish it counts too. I think both parents count, so in terms of family, lineage, and religion daughter or son would make no difference to me.