Why do I want what I cant have?

You’ll grow out of it, I’m sure. I was like when I was in my earlier twenties. A challenge.

A good thing to remember, though.

One wants what one cannot have because one can. It’s like dreaming or day-dreaming. It’s pleasant and healthy if one does not obsess over it. “Man, what would I REALLY do if I won the LOTTERY?” Treat as fun, not reality.

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”

I love this quote. I have it posted on my refrigerator. It’s a great reminder.

Sometimes fantasies should often just be fantasies. That feeling of anticipation is strong and nothing can replace it once it is gone.

The journey to what we want is the most fulfilling part. It is like waiting on a care package. I feel good everytime I think about it. Then I get it open it up and I like it but the feelings are less than they were when it was in the mail.

I think that for many people, it’s a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own happiness. There are two ways of dealing with a sense of incompleteness: you can look inward for a solution or you can look outward. To look inward means recognizing that both the problem and the solution lie with you alone. To look outward puts the burden of filling your perceived lack on the world outside of you.

Looking outward doesn’t work. We keep throwing stuff from the outside into the black hole of our discontent, but it never quenches the longing. So we end up imagining that it must be those impossibly unattainable things that would really do the trick. This is, paradoxically, a position of some cold comfort: it allows us to nestle into a kind of passive fatality in which we avoid having to do the tough work on ourselves and are prevented by circumstances from having what we think would complete us.

To have what you want, want what you have.

That question is as old as the garden of Eden, when Eve went after the forbidden fruit.

That’s just the thing though. I love my life, with the exception of where I work. I have awesome friends, I can afford pretty much anything I want, (within reason of course, I mean I cant afford a Ferrari, I’m middle class) but it is primarily in my choice of significant others. I only want to date, (or mess around with) the people that don’t want anything to do with me. And I ahve gotten really good at turning their minds around. As soon as I succeed… I just say, meh….

I’m not an ass to anyone else, just the people I date. I feel terrible when I do it, yet it is a loop I find myself stuck in.

Because we live in a society that tells us we MUST have it all.
It is injected in our brain with every change of the channel. And, every brain washed friend we cross paths with.

@mowens That sounds more like ego-trip stuff. Each little conquest puts a brighter polish to the self-image. In that case, it’s not the relationship you want, it’s the self-affirmation of the conquest. Once that’s in the bag, you start looking for a new, bigger conquest.

yeah, but I dont want to be an asshole. How do I make it stop?

“yeah, but I don’t want to be an asshole. How do I make it stop?”

First thing. Cut up or do not get credit cards. If you cant pay with cash. (after you have paid your bills) Then do not buy it.
Saving money is an interesting concept.

I have no debt, I am actually talking more about people than things… I honestly dont understand the concept of credit. Why would people buy something if they don’t have the money? That ruins the challenge.

For years I’ve had the problem of thinking about the last girlfriend and wanting her back for a long time into dating the next one (even though I feel terrible about it). The result? Everyone feels like crap. Sometimes these inclinations are hard to control even if you recognize them, but the right person will make them disappear. I think I found that person, yet big surprise, we’ve broken up. See what I’m saying?

@mowens You’ve already taken the first step: recognizing it as a problem. That’s already further than many people get.

Asshole-ness always comes from ego. The more our self-image means to us, the more we’re going to do asshole-ish things in its service. You’re a young, good-looking guy, which gives you the potential of having power over others; the ego craves power, so you use it.

If you’re serious about ending the cycle, your self-image has got to take a back seat to concern for the well-being of others. As long as ego is in the driver’s seat, you’ll keep doing asshole-ish things. When you lose your attractiveness, you’ll try to find another source of power (like money), and it will go on.

@RedMosquitoMM Yes, that makes sense. Why do we, as humans do this to ourselves? I try to put measures in place to change it… but I always come full circle. I concider myself a very controlled person. I make a lot of mistakes, but over the years I have found controls to put in my life to fix the big mistakes. I am having trouble coming up with something that kills the asshole buried within. :)

@Harp I do have a very large ego. I know this. But, at the same time… it’s like I only have an ego in certain aspects of my life. Does that seem odd? Like, I only care what people think about me about certain things. If someone calls me ugly or stupid, I don’t care. If someone doesn’t want to date me… my ego is bruised. It’s not like I cry for hours every night, I just try harder. Other then that, anyone can say or do anything to me and it doesn’t bother me. I do care about the well being of others. I never say anything that offends anyone, I help people whenever it is in my power to do so. It’s like I am on auto pilot. I don’t realize what I have done until it is already done, and I’d love to change it! I just need to figure out how to make the well being of others sit in front of my ego. :)

@Harp If I become a Buddhist will I be as smart as you?

@janbb PFFFT! All I’ve gotten out of it is sore knees and a robe.

@noraasnave, If you get a chance, you should read Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert. Part of it is about how anticipation and projection into the future creates happiness.

@PandoraBoxx That sounds a lot like ‘Facing the Giants’ by Tony Robbins. Mental rehearsal of reaching a goal feels the same to one’s brain as actually reaching it. I use to visualize getting 20 pull-ups for my Physical Fitness Test in the USMC, it would cause me to feel good about finally getting there, then when I got there I felt even better about myself. Even to this day accomplishing that goal fills me with good feelings.

I downloaded every Tony Robbins book on audio before coming out here, now perhaps I will listen to it. Think of all the lurve it will indirectly generate ;)

@mowens Well, you’ve taken the first step in recognizing the problem. The second step is identifying your pattern, with the goal of being able to figure out you are doing it as it happens. Once you do that, you can start thinking about interventions.

So, do you have any characteristic behaviors when this happens? Think back on what you have done in the past. Tease out the commonalities.

I warn you, though, to think carefully on whether you actually want to change. Because it is hell when you learn your patterns and you identify when it is happening, and you still do it even though you don’t want to.