I think that boundaries are based in assertiveness and well reasoned and thought out ahead of time.
Walls are based in fear.
It is especially difficult for those of us whose natural boundaries have been violated at an early age have difficulty in knowing how to recognize and maintain healthy boundaries rather than reflexively just hiding behind walls for protection.
I heard a really gods description of this by a speaker at an ACOA group. He had grown up in a severely dysfunctional alcoholic home.
But what he said rings true for anyone who has had their boundaries trampled while in childhood for any reason.
He said: “We spend so much of our time guessing at what normal is.
When children have been violated and had their innocence and sense of trust shattered, it leads to them having to resort to many sub optimal ways of dealing with life. What was once an effective coping mechanism enabling survival now turns into an unhealthy way to go through life.
One cannot be constantly in “fight or flight” mode and hyper vigilant all through the rest of life. But trying to create normal or even figure out what it is is so daunting.
The natural odds of things is for children to be safe and sheltered by the adults in their lives so that they can learn what life is all about. When an adult violates the natural boundaries of childhood and harms them physically or emotionally, their ability to trust is forever compromised.
Children have a right to be free frm fear of those whose role it is to care for them. But once that trust boundary is violated that fear enters in and results in being the basis for their reactions in much of the rest of their lives.
There are a few things that I’ve found helpful.
The first is to remind myself that I am no longer a powerless child. I have choices. I can choose to create a healthier “family of intention” to replace my dysfunctional family of origin. Biology is not destiny.
Secondly, in whatever choices I make or actions I take, it’s usually best to avoid the rigid, black and white dichotomy of labeling as right or wrong. It’s far more helpful to determine if it is healthy or unhealthy for me. This helps to avoid the pattern of self-blame that we are so used to.
That’s just a brief encapsulation of a few of the realizations that several years of therapy brought.
And I will use one of my favorite quotes which I saw on a button at a clown convention.
” it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. ”