How do you know when its time to try and go back to an old relationship?

They usually end for a reason.

That being said, it is never too late.

I haven’t had too much experience, but I am currently trying to go back to an old flame as we type.

But, and I don’t want to put you off to any extent, I just seem to be getting nothing but unhappiness.

Unless this does all work itself out for the best in the end I don’t believe I will ever be doing it again.

They call it a break up because the relationship is broken.

Going back means falling back into the same habits that led you to break up the first time.

The thing is, I broke up with him because there were a variety of things going on in my life at the time which led me to not have time for a relationship. That’s not exactly the case now. There wasn’t really anything wrong with the relationship but timing. That and the fact that I wasn’t quite mature (and experienced) enough to see the better qualities that he possesses that have been absent in other boyfriends.

If things are different, you have changed, he has changed, circumstances are really different, then if there was something real there in the first place, why not try again? If you are both essentially in the same place or no true changes have taken place, then you will probably end up where you ended up years ago.

I asked about getting back together in this question about a year ago: http://www.fluther.com/disc/28829/does-breaking-up-and-getting-back-together-ever-work/ Lots of good advice there.

I think the gist is exactly what @skfinkel said. If the thing that broke you up changed, you might have a shot. If not, history tends to repeat itself.

Lots of luck to you.

when hell freezes, that’s the perfect time!

“The past is a foreign country. They do things differently there.”

You will never be able to recapture the past. You may want to go back and try again, but there are two halves to the relationship. You may want to go back, but he may have moved on, or have changed since the break-up so he’s not the same person he was. Or he may have been so hurt, that he may not be interested in revisiting the relationship.

But it never hurts to tell someone that his finer points that are apparent at 25 were lost to you at age 19. Apologies and compliments are never out of fashion, and are always welcome. You may be the love of his life, and it will work out.

We went to the same junior college where we dated in the first place and then we went to the same university where we encountered each other now and again. I did encounter him again when I was… 22. We went and grabbed dinner when I got off work. But I was involved with someone else at the time and while he hinted that he wouldn’t mind starting something back up, I wasn’t available to start something up with. The guy I was involved with at that time is the one who made me realize what I really don’t want so its a good experience even when it wasn’t and was painful and uncomfortable in every way for me to have. I e-mailed him last year when I found his e-mail somewhere and he’s not bitter or mad… Its just hard to figure out when you’re so involved whether something is really a good idea or something you need to let go.

It is never too late. I know people who have gotten back together decades later. You are smart not to wait that long, but make sure you are going back into the relationship with open eyes.

The secret to a great relationship is honesty, honesty, honesty. Honest with yourself, honest with your partner, honest in your expectations. Add communication and compassion, and you have the recipe for the best relationship in the world.

Just remember, jealousy and selfishmess and the two things that will ruin a relationship faster than a pound of salt in a half pound of sugar cookies.

sorry for the recipe analogies, it is getting closer to Thanksgiving, and I have cooking on my mind.

@gracielou, if that’s the case, then contacting him and getting together for coffee or dinner, or just hanging out would not be odd. As @Psychedelic_Zebra said, the secret to a great relationship is honesty, and telling him that you appreciate his finer points as a person is a good first step in re-establishing a relationship.

I agree with @Psychedelic_Zebra. I, too, know people who have gotten back together years later and things have worked out. However, typically the breakup was caused by outside forces.

As PZ says, honesty is vitally important, as is respect, communication, and compassion.

Give it a go, but if things don’t feel right talk to him about it and end things if you need to before either of you really get hurt.

Well…just give it a shot. What do you have to lose?

This is again a question that is impossible to answer for someone else. I think the best advice I can give is what would you lose from trying, anyway? You are both single (by which I assume “theoretically available for a relationship should a good one come along” in this case. If you are honest to him and to yourself, worst that can happen is he says “sorry, not interested” to begin with, or that you go for a couple of dates and figure out the problems are still there and break up again. Does not sound that bad to me?

you know it’s time to go back and give it a try when you stop thinking of him in terms of how great he was to you and in terms of how you really miss the little things he was or did that became a part of you, not because they were flattering to you, or nice, or even useful, but just because they were him – and when after three years you can still remember the colour of his eyes, it’s time to try again…