Why is it so hard for some parents to understand that negative attention is better than no attention?

Most parents don’t want to reinforce negative behavior by encouraging it with a lot of attention.
If there’s a problem, it needs to be spoken of aloud. Acting out confuses parents if their child doesn’t verbalize what’s wrong.

@The_Compassionate_Heretic But they DO enforce the negative behavior because they DO give it attention, even if it’s to yell at the kid, or tell them to stop. That’s attention. They also enforce the negative behavior when that’s all they respond to, and they don’t respond to positive behavior.

Talking with parents can resolve a lot of problems.
I had issues with my parents as a tween because I was angry and didn’t communicate well so I acted out instead. When we started talking as more about our differences instead of acting them out aggressively, that’s when things got better. Progress only happens when communication is established.

Good luck to you.

@The_Compassionate_Heretic My kids are grown. I should have specified that I was talking about younger kids, 2, 3, 5, 8, in those age groups. Not teenagers. They can’t be used as a standard for anything!

@Val123 I think this is another reason why early childhood development classes should be mandated in high school. So many parents just don’t understand what works and what does not work, not because they are ignoramus’ but because they were just never told as much.

@RedPowerLady Another great answer! I definitely think that should be a mandatory class. We teach them how to drive in High School, but not how to be good parents.

@Val123 I think too many people associate such a class with sex education (which I also agree with) which is very controversial. I am not sure why there is such an association however as teaching how to be good parents does not mean endorsing teenage sex. I simply do not see why we don’t have this class already. Probably budgetary reasons, haha.

@RedPowerLady

But what kinds of things would these classes teach? I always saw it as one of those things that is so individual and personal, that it’s hard to teach “right parenting”. How general/specific would the class be?

@DominicX I’ve taken several classes of this sort. One in high school and several in college. They all teach a wide variety of information.

Here is one example that could have benefited a family member of mine. They teach you that children cry at a certain age to meet their needs but that their brain is not developed enough to understand why they are crying specifically. And it isn’t developed enough to understand “right from wrong”. This would stop a lot of child abuse cases like said family member who spanked her 1.5 year old for crying. Apparently he knew better than to fake cry.

So it isn’t so much parenting as much as how a child develops which gives great insight into parenting. But also they usually teach a general broad view of different parenting techniques. Also safety when it comes to caring for a child (i.e. don’t shake them type of thing).

Does that make sense?

@RedPowerLady Oh brother!!!
@DominicX They would bring up topics such as this question.

They would bring up the food issues that so many people force their kids into by forcing them to eat when they aren’t hungry because the parent gave them a box of crackers 15 minutes before dinner.

They would bring up discipline issues.

They would discuss strategy…..one of my favorite is giving the kids two options. For example, you can either keep crying and then you’ll be sitting in time out, or you can quit crying and keep watching TV.

They would discuss the reasons that kids act out.

There are a thousand and one things that could be taught about parenting!

@RedPowerLady Also, I once read that one of the biggest causes of child abuse is in having unrealistic expectations of the child’s understanding and capabilities (which is what you said above.) To that end, my oldest daughter was my husbands (now X) from a previous marriage. We hooked up when she was about 18 months, and he had custody of her. At one point he was letting her run around without a diaper because it was a really, really hot day, and he had no AC. Well, she pooped on the floor. And her dad actually yelled at her and gave her time out! I was flabbergasted.
I said, “But, she’s in diapers for a reason!”
He says, “I don’t care!! She got no excuse to act like a savage!”

Warning, warning Bat Masterson! You don’t want to marry this guy!

@Val123 Exactly. A perfect example. I wish I could find that study that said that because I really truly believe it is a huge cause of abuse. That and learned behavior (ex: being abused yourself as a kid).

That and just not having the faintest clue what to do! When you are pregnant you envision gurggling, smiling, cuddly, sleeping babies. You don’t envision babies screaming for hours and two year olds biting and screaming and eight year olds fighting and screaming!!

Definitely a parenting class. Fact, I wanted to ask “If you were in charge of teaching a parenting class, what are some of the topics you’d cover? (You only get one!)”

Mine would be, “Eating issues: Causes and cures.”

But can’t ask. Out of questions, including one that got nuked. If they deep six one of your questions, shouldn’t they let you have another?? Or at least send it back one more time with, “Ask a completely different question!” as a heads-up that they’re going to nuke it if you try to send it out again. Sniffles.

@Val123 You should ask that tomorrow. I’d love to see the answers to that one! I agree if one gets “nuked, lol” then you should get another.

I know one effective parenting class here sends people to moms homes with cameras. Then they come back to class with the video and “dissect” it. With mom’s permission of course. I think that showing those videos would be great even for high schoolers. Then you get a good idea of what it is really like and can see with your own eyes what is good and “bad”.

@RedPowerLady And show episodes of Nanny 911. I’ve always thought that if I were teaching a parenting class, and I was addressing the issue of kids not eating, what I would do is bring in escargot, snake meat, squid, grubs, and all kinds of perfectly edible foods, pile their plates high, with three times more than they can eat, then start harranging them to eat, EAT, EAT!!!!!

@Val123 I enjoy Nanny 911 :)

I saw a really good show on PBS about a month ago. It was in regards to why kids are picky eaters. To sum it up it is biology and for the most part they can’t help it. Parents should learn that.

@RedPowerLady

What I don’t get is I’m sure plenty of parents were picky eaters as kids; do they just completely block that from their minds?

@DominicX Haha. I think they figure that if they could get over it their children can too. Of course they forget how long it took (and that is biology as well). Good point.

@RedPowerLady I like it too! My husband, not so much, so we don’t get to watch it, but it’s not a problem. We don’t have to watch Smallville anymore either (he liked it, me not so much.) But we agree on the major issues, like House, Bones, 48 hours. However, I don’t expect he’ll EVER get over dedicating all day Sunday to the KC Chiefs! Bleh!

Also, out of my three kids, only one was a picky eater by nature. I swear, the following is a true story. I put a small spoonful of chicken pot pie in her mouth, she worked it around while it was still on the spoon, and when I withdrew the spoon the chicken and gravy were gone, and the peas and potatoes were polished clean, but still on the spoon! I couldn’t believe it!

But, having said that, there are some parents who actually CAUSE eating issues by not allowing hunger to drive the child naturally, and feel they need to step in and “make” the child eat certain foods. Just creates a battle in Seattle, you know? And kids get used to eating when they aren’t hungry, all that kind of stuff.

@DominicX Yep, they’ve forgotten how it feels, but remember their parent’s reaction to it, and practice those same reactions on their kids.

@Val123 I love smallville as well. Heck I should go over to your house and watch tele.
Oh and House and Bones. But i’ll go home and give you a break when you turn on 48 hours.

I know what you mean about the eating issues. I was a very very picky eater as a child. I had a lot of battles with adults over it.

@RedPowerLady LOL! We could do Wife Swap! I liked that show too! (Husband not so much) However….the show always ends with the spouses being SO GLAD to see each other again. I’d probably get hit with divorce papers and you guys would get married! Just my luck! Pu-lease don’t tell me you love, love football!!

That would be something else I’d address. If a kid doesn’t like certain foods, don’t try to force it! Don’t make a big deal! Find out what he or she DOES like, and make sure he or she gets as much of it as they want. And you don’t have to build the entire menu around what that kid likes or doesn’t like. Just make less of what they don’t like, and a little more of what they do like and go with the flow. They might experiment. They might not. Oh well!

@Val123 Actually I hate football, haha!! I think that might be a deal breaker. My hubby, well he never voices his opinion, I have no idea what he likes. Let me ask him…. Okay apparently he doesn’t know either…... Have you ever seen Monk? I love that one.

@RedPowerLady You got me rollin’!!! Does he like grilled cheese? Does he like cookies?? I’ve never seen Monk. I’ve never even seen it advertised, but this is the second time I’ve heard of it!

@RedPowerLady & @Val123 – I agree hypothetically that “parenting classes” for students would be a great idea… However, in say that, I currently teach in an all boys high school and I don’t believe that this sort of a program would be met with the same level of enthusiasm or support from other staff members (particularly the male ones in my school) OR the boys. I can guarantee you that my students would not have a bar of any such lesson! They struggle to sit through a regular English lesson and at the school the sex-ed program is just seen as a massive joke amongst the because of their age and maturity level.

I do believe that offering more of these classes at a University level or in the community could be quite effective, but in saying that, you obviously can’t force everyone to go!

I agree with @DominicX and think that for some, good parenting is intrinsic. Others however, struggle and either act in a way that they think is appropriate for their child or actions based on how they themselves were bought up. I think that kids acting out to get any sort of attention is a result of parents ignorance (I’m not suggesting they’re ignorant people, just unaware of better possible solutions that they could utilise.)

I guess for some people, like the few of us in here and myself, it seems obvious. I have students who do these sorts of things on a daily basis and some of them are 17! One of my boys takes off his shirt in drama class ALL the time and pretends to do a little strip-tease. He goes to great lengths to get my attention. I’m aware of how highly inappropriate it is but rather than shouting and drawing attention to him (which is exactly what he wants,) I ignore the situation and address it later.

I also think that parents may lash out at their kids when they’re behaving negatively, because they’re embarrassed/stressed out/at a loss of what else to do. e.g. your 3yo throws his/herself down on the floor in the middle of the mall and starts screaming because you’ve said no to buying him/her a chocolate bar. I think that most parents out of sheer embarrassment, start making a fuss over the child because people are staring and shaking their heads. This often leads to the parents getting even more frustrated therefore feeding the child with even more attention. This then becomes learned behaviour for the children then.

Am I responding correctly? I’m a little confused as to whether I am, based on your question and statement. Are you saying that negative attention is better than no attention from parents? Or why can’t parents understand that when kids act out in a negative way, it’s because that’s the only form of attention they can get from them?

@Val123 It is SO Funny!

He loves Grilled Cheese, cheese anything, haha. Now I don’t know anybody who doesn’t love cookies. You know what he really loves? Red vines, ick!

@Courtybean That is why it is mandatory education and not an elective. I really don’t care, however horrible that sounds, if the kids want to sit through it or not. There are ways to make classes such as this more fun and interactive so as to engage students who think it is just awful. It won’t work on everyone but if it prevents one student from becoming an abuser then it is worth it.

I absolutely do not think University or community level classes will be effective in any way. They are already offered in abundance in many areas. Yes they are affective for a small portion of people but the people who choose to go are already better off then everyone else.

I think you have a great point about the stress. That is another issue that leads to a lot abuse and I would love to see that addressed.

@Val123 Great question.

My husband has yet to learn how to avoid reacting when he should either divert his attention or divert our son’s. He’s trying, though :)

As for the picky eating as @DominicX brought up. I do remember HOW picky of an eater I was. And, because of that, I let my son eat when, what & how he chooses. Instead of forcing veggies down his throat, I simply do not allow any “junk” food to be eaten unless he’s eaten at least one serving of fruit and one serving of veg for the day. And, I DO NOT CARE if he prefers baby food fruits or has his veggies in his “green juice” instead of as a whole food. In other words, we allow for the “health” foods to be palatable for him.

I wish every school had parenting classes. Ours had zero. Kids that don’t have family to watch grow up or that don’t baby sit have no way to learn the basics.

@SpatzieLover Loving the fruit and veggie ideas.

@RedPowerLady Since you’ll be a mama again, soon I’ll tell you what I tell all new mama’s…let ‘em eat baby food! Who cares if they’re four?! At least they’re getting what they need to be healthy.

My son began using a straw at 10mos because he saw me having an AM smoothie each day. He wanted them too. He drank them until about 18–20 mos old…then picky started. So, we buy Naked Juices now. (He isn’t fond of Bolthouse Farms because they “Aren’t so good!” to kids taste buds I guess.)

Green Machine is known as “green juice” here. He now knows it has spinach and broccoli in it, and says he still likes it :) He was eating bananas until a few months ago. Now he hates the texture of them, so we’re back to adding banana baby food into his morning yogurt. At breakfast he has already had one full serving of fruit and one full serving of veg, so at least we know he’s getting what he needs nutritionally each day.

He’s allowed at least one cookie a day,too ;D

@Courtybean You said, “Am I responding correctly? I’m a little confused as to whether I am, based on your question and statement. Are you saying that negative attention is better than no attention from parents? (I mean, from the kid’s POV it’s better than no attention.) Or why can’t parents understand that when kids act out in a negative way, it’s because that’s the only form of attention they can get from them? (V-Yes. They don’t understand how spanking a kid could be considered giving the child attention. That it might be something that, in an odd way, he’s angling for, in lieu of the alternative, which is….nothing )” Also, I’m not referring to occasional situations. I’m referring to situations where, IDK, the parents don’t really want to be bothered, ever, with the kid, so they pretty much ignore him until he does something “bad,” and THEN he’s got their attention. And that’s just a way of life for all of them. And it’s all a bunch of yelling and wondering why the kid is so bad….. (Those people should never have become parents in the first place!)

I totally agree with you @Val123! You have to sit a driving test to ensure that you’re are not an endangerment to others on the road – same should apply with having children!

I was disgusted the other day when getting into my car after a trip to the shops. This father who was parked next to me had his 3 young children all under 5 and was loading them into the back of what looked like a brand new Audi. The kids had obviously just been fed (ice cream or something similar) and their faces and hands were all sticky and grotty. It made me smile because they all looked so cute.

Anyway, he’s strapping these three small children into their car seats and begins to __scream__ at them and I mean really scream! He was swearing and saying things like “****! NO! Get your hands and your feet OFF the car seats! For ****’s sake!”
He reached into the car and slapped the 5yo, who at the time was climbing over the other two children to get to her seat.

He did so because she had put her hands on the seats in order to steady herself. I’m still unsure as to how else she was supposed to get into her spot without touching the seats at any point – unless (of course) the “brilliant” father decided to walk her round to the other side of the car for her to get in. He also hit the other two children who looked about 3 & 18months because whilst they were strapped in, ones legs dangled over the edge of the booster seat and the car seat, whilst the 18month old had put her hands in her mouth and was touching everything around her (as little ones do.)

I was appalled at his behaviour and had actually stopped to watch him whilst all this was happening. Luckily enough he had his back to me the whole time and didn’t realise I saw the whole drama unfold. I stepped into my car I said to him “You’re a disgrace! The children aren’t to blame- YOU are! Fancy putting three young children who are covered in gunk, into the back of an Audi and then not expect them to touch anything the whole time! Sort your priorities out! Either you don’t have kids or you don’t have an expensive car!”

@Courtybean Whoa! So… you confronted him?? What did he do/say?? OMG. I think I would have been calling the cops on that one….

Yeah @Val123- sort of. I wouldn’t exactly call it a confrontation. It was more a opinionated comment… In passing. Lol. I said it while I was getting in the car. I didn’t really care to stick around to cop any abuse. I just figured that I would act as the kids “karma” for the day.

He didn’t get time to say anything but he did stand there like a stunned mullet! He obviously hadn’t realized anyone was behind him, let alone was watching his deplorable public display!

@Courtybean That is so sick. So sad…..

@SpatzieLover I absolutely LOVE that advice!

@Courtybean Props for saying something! I’ve done something similar myself (in passing, lol). I wish I could remember the story but I can’t.