How would you feel given the following circumstances?

Yeah, I’d be pretty annoyed. I’d figure that I was not what she wanted to spend her time on, and perhaps even that she wasn’t very into me. I might go so far as to think that if that’s the way it is, I might as well find someone who does want to spend time with me, if this is what happens on a regular basis.

Did you ask the person why they said they were doing homework but, instead, went out with friends two nights in a row? If so, what was the answer?

Um. I see. A bad moon a-risen.

I see trouble on the way..

Someone sounds a little overcontrolling to me. Maybe she didn’t feel like doing homework, and took a break. What’s it to you? It’s not up to you to “allow” her autonomy. She has autonomy by virtue of being a free agent. Go find someone to play with during the time she’s busy. Or watch Dexter.

I see earthquakes and lightening…

I see. Bad times today.

looks like we’re in for nasty weather..

@pdworkin

lol There’s no issue of permitting an individual their autonomy here. Perhaps you read into a non-existent implication. Whatever the case, don’t interpret motives or actions beyond the literal letter, and you’ll be fine. The question pertains only to whether or not she should have reasonably known that her actions had the likely possibility of making others feel badly, and whether or not the affected party had reasonable cause to feel badly. That’s it.

It’s a simple situation: you ask someone if they want to hang out, they say no, and then after the fact they choose to do something – not with you, but with someone else despite knowing you were available.

What normal individual wouldn’t feel a sense of rejection?

If you can provide the answer, why are you asking the question?

continued…

The moment you beg a question like, “Perhaps she was doing work, and just decided to take a break,” you’re interjecting some unnecessary hypothetical as a cause of dismissal (but only if the hypothetical is true).

The hypothetical is not true, and as already said, no relevant details have been omitted. I promissssse I have not left anything out.

Don’t go round tonight.

Well it’s bound to take your life

There’s a bad moon on the rise.

Because I think the answer is so clear-cut and obvious that I can’t see why she wouldn’t see it. Perhaps I’m insane – who knows? I just want to know if the answer I have is the same answer others have.

How old are you and your girlfriend, and how long have you been going out, and is this new behavior for her?

Hope you. Got your things together.

We’re both young 20s, been dating for 3 years.

No, it’s not new behavior for her. She claims to have values which seem to run contrary to what she actually feels.

For example: She claims she had no reason to believe she would make me feel badly, but in the past people have done the exact same things to her, and she’s felt hurt, rejected, etc. ACtually, she’s responded more sensitively than most people: she gets like a depreciated sense of self-worth when people have done to her what she did to me.

Hmmm. So…she doesn’t get the “turn about is fair play.” You said, “She claims to have values which seem to run contrary to what she actually feels.” Would that be contrary to what she actually feels , or contrary to what she claims to feel?

Do you know of any issues in her upbringing that would account for it? Did her Mom or Dad treat her a certain way, then throw a fit if SHE treated them the same way, the way she’d been taught?

Gosh. Do you love her? Assuming yes, after 3 years. What do you love about her?

I have this song stuck in my head…..

@Avatarian
Ahhhh… you are confusing her with a man… you will realize that women do somethings without a clear idea of what they are doing but they will express what they are feeling by what they are doing (or not doing.)
hope you are quite prepared to die

Maybe you and I are the strange ones, but it would hurt my feelings if my boyfriend couldn’t spend time with me because of homework or whatever, but then found the time and had the inclination to go out with a bunch of friends instead.

I would say it is one of those deals where she is just not that into you. And if you can’t live with that, maybe it is time to move on. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.

Yeah, men are much easier to read.~
looks like we’re in for nasty weather

@Avatarian I want to apologize for the behavior of other members on your question.

Regarding your situation perhaps you two need a break from one another for a little bit to figure out where you each stand.

I’d be upset too. And if she told you she was doing homework that day, but intentionally went out with friends instead, that’s called lying, and should not be tolerated.

I don’t know if I’d say she lied intentially (I don know her motives) but I know I’ve denied offers to hang out with people because of homework and not actually accomplish any of said work. It’s called procrastination and every college student knows it well. Again, I don’t know specific motives here but I think she just had a lazy day and said “screw it, I go out. I didn’t get anything done anyway.” No harm meant.

I would wonder what was really going on. I just….don’t think I’d stand for it time and again without throwing a fit. I’d hear the voice of rage and ruin, and if things didn’t change I’d be out of there.

@Avatarian ; Are you a law student by chance?

@Judi

no, why?

Just the language and way you phrase things. Sounds like an attorney.

lol that’s probably not a good thing

Oo, Bet you’re wond’ring how I knew ‘bout your plans to make me blue
With some other guy that you knew before?
left turn

@SheWasAll_ But wouldn’t it be distressing if, during that procrastination, that person choose to hang out with their friends instead of their SO? Granted, I don’t know the whole situation. If 99% of the time her choice was to hang out with @avatarian and only occasionally choose her friends instead, that would be one thing. But it sounds like she’s coming up with excuses not to hang out with @a…...why the hell isn’t my @thing bringing up the names. That’s not good. It may be unintentional, but it’s rude and hurtful, and it’s distressing to think she doesn’t realize it. Even WORSE, that she may actually realize it, but do it anyway. What kind of behavior is that?

@Dog I hear your rebuke, but this just doesn’t bode good to me. Why isn’t my @thing working sometimes? @Dog. OK. So now it worked.

[Mod Says] Avatarian asked an honest question and deserves a respectful response rather than CCR lyrics. Please refrain from hijacking this question further. Future off topic quips will be removed.

I tend to agree with @SheWasAll_ – I can imagine myself sitting at home trying to find motivation to do homework when a friend calls up and convinces me to ditch it and come out instead. I would never think to do that with intent to hurt my SO. I would assume it was ok because he already knew I was busy that night, with whatever I was doing, and he probably had plans as well.

That said, my feelings probably would have been hurt because I would have read so much into it. I know I tend to do that. I would wonder why he didn’t think to call me if he found he was free. There is something about getting caught up in the excitement of spontaneous plans, though.

It sounds like she almost always spends Saturday with you – is that correct? If so, I would accept her explanation and let it go. Everyone needs a chance to go blow off steam with their friends once in a while.

Well I still think all of the lyrics are completely appropriate.
But she might be reacting to being stressed and overwhelmed with her work, study and relationship. You might just push her away if you’re too needy. Just give her space and see if she wants to make time for you. If not there’s your answer.

Is this a common occurrence or a one time thing?

As my SO says you show how you feel about someone by your actions. i would also be hurt in this situation because she doesn’t seem like she is pursuing you anymore but rather taking you for granted. in my mind why couldn’t she structure her homework and studying so you guys could spend saturday together. do you see each other during the week also? plus she had been out with those friends the night before. those actions, to me, say they are a higher priority.

The problem with these questions is that the asker is always assumed to be completely faultless and without any character flaws and the other person is acting in a vacuum. You need to talk to her too or you’ll always only have 50% of the story. No offense to you Avatarian.

You give us a very biased and self-serving snapshot of one single night in a three year relationship and expect us to judge your partner on that. For all we know, she is getting back at you for your own selfish, thoughtless behavior last week.

If you are looking for an excuse to feel misused or angry, have at it.

Communication is the backbone of any long term relationship, and it sounds to me like you need a lot more talking about feelings and behaviors.

If it was a one time thing I wouldn’t worry about it. I would tell them how it made me feel and see what happens from there. If it happens often then I would leave.

@YARNLADY Above he said, “No, it’s not new behavior for her. She claims to have values which seem to run contrary to what she actually feels. (at this point I asked if she was “actually feeling” or to “claiming” to actually feel to have” values which seem to run contrary to what she feels)

For example: She claims she had no reason to believe she would make me feel badly, but in the past people have done the exact same things to her, and she’s felt hurt, rejected, etc. ACtually, she’s responded more sensitively than most people: she gets like a depreciated sense of self-worth when people have done to her what she did to me.

But I have to agree, it is always going to be one-sided. Still, it’s very disrespectful and if she wants out she needs to just say so. Just say sooooo.

Is it possible you are too controlling @Avatarian?

Yes, indeed, she is a selfish thoughtless bitch.
If this isn’t the answer you want, tell me how to change it so that it’s to your liking.

Cliff Notes Version:

Both boy and girl are students with busy schedules. Boy and girl see each other for two hours in the morning because girl says she’s going to study. Girl intends to study, but is distracted by friends who are fun to go out with, so she decides to bail on studying and go out with friends for a second night in a row. Boy is upset because she chose to spend time with friends rather than him.

So I guess my question is this—the regular two hours together on Saturday mornings, do these trysts always involve sex? Do they ever go out on dates? It’s entirely possible that the relationship has devolved from dating into “friends with benefits” without either realizing it.

That’s my theory. The two hours once a week thing isn’t working, and the relationship has degenerated.

I second what @PandoraBoxx wrote…I’ve been in that sort of situation before.

Maybe she just wanted to go out and have a good time with her friends. Nothing more or less. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. She chose do what she wanted to do.