Are you forced to choose which family to be with during the holidays?

My wife and I live on the west coast, but our families are in Colorado. It’s always a pain, and causes enough stress that I sometimes don’t want to go home. This year for Christmas, we’ve decided to spend 4 days with each family. We’ll see her family first, through Christmas Eve, then get up on Christmas morning to drive to my parents’ house. At least, that’s the plan. I’m sure it won’t work quite so smoothly, but it’s what we want to try.

Between her family and mine, we decide based on the amount of money, her family 210 miles away, mine in town. Hmm, looks like town wins again. On a side note, This year we might have to choose between my dad and his wife or my mom for Christmas day.

I don’t have a SO, but my cousins all do. What generally happens is that we have a big family Christmas every other year. Get everyone on board and make a declaration that for Christmas on odd years you’re here, Christmas even years you can spend with the other family. If there are more families, add them to the rotation. If everyone’s on board then you get to see everyone at one time in one place. You can always do time at one place for Christmas and go somewhere else for the days after or for New Year’s or even for Thanksgiving. There are ways to work it out.

Never really had that problem. Wish I did. I have it a little with Rick now, but…it’s not too bad. I only got upset one year because just before the holidays my daughter’s stupid, stupid doctor told her that she might have uterine cancer, which could be fatal, and they’d find out at the first of January…..then disappears for two weeks. So, needless to say, I insisted on Christmas at home that year, and was kind of pissed when a certain member of Rick’s family got pissy with us for not going there for Christmas that year!!
Yes, my daughter was in an agony of suspense and hell for two weeks.

When we first got married (13 years ago) we tried juggling and it was a nightmare.

Regardless of how hard you tried, someone’s feelings were hurt and we spent more time traveling than enjoying the holiday (it seemed).

My wife finally got fed up and announced that we would be doing all holidays at our house. Come if you like (or don’t) – all are welcome.

I thought she was insane but (as usual) she was right. She loves to cook and our house is bigger than the rest of the family’s, so it’s a natural fit.

Some folks bring dessert or appetizers, some folks help clean up – it all works.

And those who have chosen to ignore our invitations – turns out we don’t miss them one bit.

@Val123: Oh that doc needed a smack. How horrible.

I’m 13, so I don’t have this problem. But my brother is going to be married in July so he has to choose between going to Thanksgiving next week with her at her family’s house, coming to our gathering and bringing his fiance, or just each going to the seperate gatherings. They decided to go to the separate gatherings. I think my mom feels hurt that Beth isn’t coming. Maybe for Christmas… **sigh**

We had one set of parents in England and one in New Jersey; one Jewish and one Anglican. So not too much juggling.

My parents are divorced and in the past they shared the holidays well. However, now I live 3000 miles away and only make it home for a week or two each year. Everytime I go home they stress me out fighting over who I spent more time with.

@cprevite Yeah!! And check this out! I just posted it today, on an entirely unrelated issue! http://www.fluther.com/disc/62184/does-it-make-you-just-want-to-scream-when-a-professional/

@kellylet Ah! Sucks.

My husband rarely has off holidays, even while just engaged or dating, I’d attend his family events without him. we have a child together, so it wasn’t awkward for me
I want my children to know his side of the family, so I make an effort to attend their family get togethers. His family is much more unorganized than mine though. Everyone in my family has to know where it’s being held, more than a week ahead of time, but I rarely find out until the day before where my husbands family will be getting together (some live further than others, but all except one now, live in PA, where we are)

I told him for this Thanksgiving I’m giving up putting forth an effort. We are never personally invited, we aren’t viewed as our own family (we’re married, with children..why are we still lumped in with his mother?!) No one seems to invite us to small gatherings on Sunday for dinner, when they know I’d most certainly show up.
So, for now, if my husband is working then I’ll stick to my family dinners. We were supposed to go to Michigan this Thanksgiving to visit my grandmother, but she unexpectedly passed away in August, so we’re having it with my mother’s side of the family this year.
Christmas is quite easy for us. My family has never celebrated on Christmas Day. We open presents, have a family breakfast of leftovers, then watch tv together. My husbands family’s tradition is on Christmas Day, so we do dinner with them on that day…nothing gets conflicted. We got lucky with that.

@casheroo Who never personally invites you? Your side or his?

We didn’t go as far as @cprevite and decide to do all holidays at our house but we did decide that Christmas day would always be at our house when our sons were younger. We still keep this tradition. We liked the idea of not having to get dressed and rush out the door. Too stressful on Christmas Day, especially with little ones. imo Now we can stay in our pajamas as long as we want, our house is filled with the smell of a wonderful meal and anyone is welcome to come over to eat and play with toys.

Thanksgiving is usually spent with my husband’s family and Christmas Eve is spent with mine. It works out well for everyone.

@Val123 His family. I have to actively seek out the information, his own mother rarely invites us to anything, and they’ll talk of family get togethers in front of us and not even ask us to come. It’s really bizarre. And I find it incredibly rude. My husband thinks it’s because he has always worked on holidays so they don’t bother asking, but they know I’ll come even if my husband doesn’t…and they have my phone number. It’s just frustrating to me.

No, I don’t have to choose. My husband’s family is Catholic and my family is Jewish. No one seems upset in his family if we are not there for Thanksgiving, so it has never been an issue, my parents usually come to my house, or we don’t get together with any family and might go to a friends house.

When the kids were little, we divided up holidays-I had Christmas Eve, my sister-in-law did Easter, my mother-in-law did 4th of July, and everyone was on their own for Thanksgiving, so we usually went to my moms. We don’t have a big family on either side, so we would take my side with us to my in-laws, and sometimes they would come to my mom’s for thanksgiving.

@casheroo How RUDE!

I was lucky when I was little my grandparents were next door neighbors so I always got to see both sides for the holidays. Although, for years after my dad’s mom died we drove 3 or 4 places on Christmas.

I can’t figure out why the various families can’t get together every year and between them decide who is going to do what…...Surely they understand the dilemma! Why put the “kids” in a position to be forced to “insult” one family or another every year?

Luckily Unfortunately, my family all live several states away. My mom, grandma, and brother are in Indiana, my dad is an Alabama, and we live in Connecticut. All of us share a horror of holiday travel. That means we always spend holidays with my husband’s big fat drunken Italian family. Truly, anyone who isn’t Italian should marry into an Italian family. :)

We have set places for almost every holiday. An aunt and uncle host the same event each year, so we always knww where we’re going. Now that most of the cousins are married and have kids, a lot of them alternate years between families. Sometimes we’ll have a huge group for Thanksgiving, and sometimes a smaller group. One of these days I’ll inherit the job of hosting Thanksgiving, and I’m actually looking forward to it! Easter used to be hosted by an aunt and uncle who have now retired to Cape Cod and don’t have room for a big gathering, so that holiday is always kind of up in the air until someone claims it. We always have a wonderful time, especially now that all the kids are old enough to play together and entertain each other.

Sometimes there’s a little friction about holidays, always from the same aunt who seems to enjoy stirring the pot and setting people against each other. She’s made it clear she isn’t participating in holidays with her side of the family this year, but since she tends to make people uncomfortable no one really minds. I only feel bad for her two daughters, who are really fun and sweet and will now miss out on this time with their cousins. I love my husband’s family because instead of worrying or catering to one rather nasty person, they all say “fuck ‘em” and go right on having a good time!

UGH. My neighbor found out her daughter might spend thanksgiving away from home (her daughter is an adult, just about to graduate college) and she was practically tearing up telling me about it. The holidays seem to be full of heartbreak, dissapointment, and obligatin for lots of people.

@JLeslie And the selfishness becomes rampant…..Can’t we just make a darn schedule?? Forecasting, say, the next 5 years??

Yes, it’s always a struggle. Last year we tried to have our own Christmas, then Christmas at grandparents’ A and then drove 2.5 hours to grandparents’ B. Never again. We’re doing Thanksgiving at one and Christmas at the other this year, and I guess we’ll switch. It’s always heartbreaking for someone, though. So hard!

@ubersiren Thank god for Easter! That’s the one I usually give to my husbands family, they actually do something and my family is all about the candy. lol

Here is what I don’t get…don’t people know that one day their children will grow up and there is a possibility you won’t see them every holiday? I just don’t get it.

@JLeslie Any holiday without your children must be lonely. I can’t imagine a holiday without mine. I’m thankful I don’t have to share my children with an ex. Every other year would be hell for me.

@jonsblond I am talking about when they are adults.

@JLeslie I understand. My mom is in her mid 70s and she gets sad if she can’t see her children as much as she would like. I feel for her. Her children are her life.

@jonsblond you brought up having an ex, so I thought you meant in a divorce situation. My sister-in-law has not had her children for Christmas for 10 years now. We do an early Christmas with them and then they leave to be with their father. She wishes it were different, but she doesn’t dwell on it. It is what it is.

I just like the idea of not worrying what day I see my family, takes the stress away.

@JLeslie I’ll stalk my son and force whoever he is married to to like me. :P

@casheroo But it is not a matter of like. If I see my parents on Thanksgiving or in June both are fine with me. I don’t have children, so maybe I would be exactly like other moms who can’t stand the idea of my son going to his wife’s family’s house for a holiday? You never know. It’s such a racket, flights, gas, hotels, everything is more expensive, it takes longer to get everywhere. If you live in the same town that’s one thing, but if you have to travel it changes it for me. My husbands parents are in FL, I would rather go when it is freezing here in Jan or Feb, then Nov or Dec. We do go sometimes for Christmas, I just don’t want to have to feel like crap if we decide not to.

@jonsblond It’s not just about the current decades of an “X”. This has probably been an issue for decades, nay, centuries, between in-laws….why can’t we all just get along? Stop with the jealousy and….the cat fighting?

I personally have gotten used to splitting half the day with my family, and half with my fiance’s. So far it has worked out ok. I’m sure the day will come when it becomes more complicated. But for now it’s perfect.

@ItalianPrincess1217 Deep breath I think some have the problem of their SO’s mother, yanging at them for not spending every Christmas with her….Lotta guilt trips. Ishy!

I can understand being upset if you have a really small family, and your adult children cannot spend the holiday with you; it makes the holiday anti-climatic. Having Christmas or Thanksgiving for 2 or 3 people is depressing. I’m prepared to make it easy, and pick up and go to wherever my kids want me to appear, dragging a stuffed turkey with me.

Family traditions and rituals change. I was reading somewhere (NYT I think) that there are two types of family structures—tribal and nuclear. Tribal does not always hold, as generations die off and family members scatter.