I've fallen for my best friend?

What’s their relationship like with the relationship they’re in? Is it a long distance relationship? How old are you both?

@PandoraBoxx… they’ve been in the relationship for over 6 years, the relationship does not seem so healthy, would we be spending so much time together if the relationship was healthy? (thats another thing I dont really understand) They spend time together but its strange it seems like they don’t spend so much time together and it seems like she spends time with him because she has to We are in our early 30’s

Hmm, this is a difficult one to answer as I can understand that there are alot of emotions involved from all ends and no one wants anyone to get hurt really.

If the relationship has been going for 6years, chances are that the relationship has depths far beyond anything that you have seen. I would be tempted to cool it off, they may just be going through a rough patch and she is clinging onto you, but do you want to be the reason why the have split?

@ModernEpicurian yea its a pretty tough situation, I do not really want to be the reason for breaking someone up, for some reason I just think the relationship is kinda like dead. for some reason she thinks that this is normal though. from what I gather is seems like she thinks that all relationships just die and you just have to stick in them.

I am tempted to cool it off as it would be much better for my feelings aswell. Whenever I stop paying attention and find my own ways it sometimes seems like she comes after me more than I feel bad for being an asshole and think maybe its just a good friendship, its also not easy to just ignore someone you have feelings for.

You cannot argue the the magical power of making someone laugh. That is a rare gift.

If you are both in your early 30’s and they’ve been “in a relationship” for six years, and there’s no real commitment, then, as they say, “all’s fair in love and war.” She’s going to have to figure out what she wants. How long have you been friends? I’m assuming she’s not married to this person nor are they living together? What does she say about the other relationship? Where does she see that relationship going, and what does she get out of it? What’s the level of commitment to eachother? Perhaps that’s the conversation you need to have first.

@PandoraBoxx ok, yea she seems like she is confused, she is not married to this person and she doesn’t live with him, but they were living together for some time and she decided to move out. About the other relationship it seems like she thinks its not gonna last like its bound to fail someday, she thinks all relationships are bound to fall apart like its impossible to keep a spark going but I ask myself, why would she think that if she was in a good relationship?

I’d say just go ahead and bring it up with her. maybe she just needs a push to come over to the darkside. just don’t be a wuss if/when you find out she just wants to be friends.

how long have you known her? sometimes girls just use a guy to do.. whatever you guys do together.. because the partner isn’t into.. whatever you guys do together. so, you fill that need in her but she may not want anything else. and yea, it’s a lot like her having two boyfriends. one for sex and whatever else they do and one for no-sex and whatever you guys do together.

bringing it up with her will let you in on what the deal is and if you’re not comfortable with her usage of you, at least you’ll know so you can stop wasting your time. or else maybe it will put you at ease and your relationship may actually improve with the transparency… of course, the third option is that she just wants out of the current and in with you. just don’t let her cheat. tell her to break up with dude so she knows what the rules are for when you guys are together.

Perhaps her family history and her own pattern with relationships makes it hard to recognize a good relationship when she’s in it. Or maybe she doesn’t want to jinx what you have together. I would go ahead and say something, perhaps in a light-hearted way that catches her off-guard, and then get serious.

It sounds like you’re interested in pursuing a committed relationship with her.

@ninjacolin hey, yea true I thought of that usage issue, we’ve known eachother for almost a yea and have been great friends. Recently we were out partying and drinking and had some words about how we feel, she told me that she wishes she met me before she met her current partner and so on but we were both drunk and apparently she “forgot” what happened all nite, I just flowed with that so I guess I can say I wussed out. Maybe stepping up to the plate would be a great idea but I also dont want to lose a great friendship. Another thing is we also work together so we see eachother everyday. whenever we are out people usually think we are together like in as a couple.

on another note, I really hope she doesnt end up seeing this thread hehe

I’d like to bring it up but I guess I am scared what the answer could be

“A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”
~Woody Allen, Annie Hall

What she has is a dead shark.

@PandoraBoxx ok if that is what she has, she is still in it though, and maybe I am just seeing things or thinking wrong of the situation. I know it sounds pessimistic but should I be feeling the way I am? and if I do bring something up, what do I say?

You could catch her off-guard, when you’re in the middle of laughing at something together, say “I love you,” and then get serious and say, “No, really. I’ve fallen for you.”

Or you could take a more serious tact and tell her that you have a problem that you need her advice with. And then plead your case.

Either way, once it’s out, it’s out.

Has she taken you around her family?

@PandoraBoxx daaamn ok yea I could try that but I probs wont, would be a good way to break it though, yes I have met her family before, she brought me to her house and she has met my family, she knows my brothers, sisters and parents, and me the same for her.

there are no rules, moonman. there’s no “should” or “should not” in the way you feel or don’t feel. you just feel or don’t feel!

honestly, just ask her (in the way a boss asks) to dump her boyfriend for you. tell her it would be marvelous and that you expect her to have it done by the end of the day. smile and go back to work as if you expect her to just do it.

that’ll get things going. stay comical for a while but do it well so that you don’t come across as just a joker. a real conversation should come out of it and you’ll have an answer one way or another over the next few days.

honesty is key! but don’t make it mushy. aim instead for sweet and awesome. even if she gets emotional, try to keep your smile on…. do it as if you have the moral high ground and you’re really trying to help her make the right moral choice by dumping him.. but in a teasing way of course, not for serious.

@ninjacolin wow your a genius! that would be the perfect way but only if I knew she liked me forsure, I cant just walk up to her and say dump ur bf for me without knowing. thats a problem I have, I hate delving into things like this without being sure, and I know it sucks, you think I should just take the approach your saying and go for it?

@moonman, There is no sure thing. If you need to back it up one more step, try holding hands when you’re walking together. If she doesn’t pull away or ask you what you’re doing, you have your answer. If you’re already at the hand-holding stage, take the plunge.

“I cant just walk up to her and say dump ur bf for me without knowing”

wrong.

“I hate delving into things like this without being sure”

just because you hate doing it, doesn’t mean you “can’t” do it.

i would’ve accepted your excuses if your argument wasn’t fallacious. k, now, go do it. stick to the script!! cool, man. i expect you to post tomorrow around the same time with your results. you’re sooo brave, can’t wait to see! i’m really looking forward to this

If the two of you are good friends, why don’t you ask her how her relationship is going? Friends talk to each other about this kind of stuff, so she shouldn’t find it surprising, and that could give you an idea about whether or not she is in it for the long haul. Have the discussion you had while you were drunk but do it while sober and see if the same things come out of it.

@PandoraBoxx we do hold hands, but while drunk and it hapens like all the time, we would be drunk and hold hands, hug, we’d walk with our arms around eachother, and so on like a couple, and she’d be the one to put her hand out reaching or pull me. but not when sober its liked we’ve developed a shyness or maybe she is scared to let me know she likes me… grrrrr hehe

@ninjacolin ok I’ll admit I’m a wuss :( I want to go up to her and say that but I won’t. I can’t say it won’t pop into my head at some time during the day and probably more than once but I wont go tell her that. maybe I will try to slip it into a sentance while we joke around or something. I will def let you know if I do though.

Just marry her and get it over with. She can figure out what to do with the old boyfriend after the first baby comes.

@PandoraBoxx hahaha good one :P

That’s actually happened to me before…
Me and my best guy friend would always talk and never shut up..even when the teacher talked and all my friends liked him but our connection was the strongest.Whenever I saw him I would get butterflies in my stomache but I would always think I’m not good enough.
Maybe you should have a friend find out for you or something.You can also be confident and ask the person out yourself and see how it goes and hopefully it’ll all be good.=)

Dude. Happens to me all the time. What is that Notorious BIG lyric…? Best friends are your best friends on your worst days…or reverse? I can’t remember but where I was going with this is that I’d be careful. Sometimes we go for what’s convenient.

Just to stir things up. Or good luck!

What are your concerns about telling her what you’re thinking?

It sounds like one concern is that you don’t know what she really thinks, and if your feelings aren’t reciprocated, then it could ruin your friendship, and, speculating, you’d feel a loss of face.

But there have to be more concerns. Are you afraid the boyfriend will get pissed off at you? Are you afraid your friends will look down on you if they hear what happened? Are you afraid you’ll get a bad reputation for breaking up a relationship?

I was always afraid to tell women I liked what I thought. Sometimes I did, but that never worked out. Mostly it had to do with circumstances. One thing I’ve found is that women often seem to have a much more sophisticated ability with moral calculus than guys do. They tend to take the side of the hurt person over themselves.

So women often won’t get involved with a married man they love, because they don’t want to hurt his wife and children. They won’t get involved with someone they really like, because their existing relationship takes priority.

My advice is that you don’t do anything. You have to wait until the relationship breaks up of its own accord. Otherwise, she’ll shut you down if she’s got any ethics. And if she doesn’t, do you really want her?

If they are in a relationship, then you have no other option than to keep it as a friendship. If they are no longer in a relationship at any stage, then go for gold.

so.. are you guys making babies yet?

@ninjacolin haha no :P….. I didnt tell her but am highly considering your method…. it opooed into my head today like eveytime I spoke to her…. I will def let you know when or if I do it, I’ll let you know if I get a smack in the face from her, or a black eye from her bf lol…. nah I actually think it will work… just gotta grow some balls to actually say it :)

@ninjacolin That’s just low. It is one of the worst things that can happen if someone else tries to break up your relationship. Every relationship should be left to its natural course, and if it ends then both parties are fair game for all the decent people that have waited.

If any other guy tried that on my girlfriend, I would have the same reaction whether or not she considered it, and that would not be a friendly one. Leave her to make her own choices.