What's a good joke about animals?

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A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey’s human family, “Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves.”

“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the family.

“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in price between male and female brains?”

“Standard pricing practice,” said the vet. “The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!”.

The person said short!

Why are rhinos wrinkly?

Why?

Why do Giraffes have such long necks?

@sliceswiththings I don’t know; why do Giraffes have such long necks?

Here’s a classic:

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Hey buddy… why the long face?”

@sliceswiththings ; to me? And why?

@troubleinharlem Yep!

Giraffes has such long necks because their feet smell!

;facepalm; aghhh that was awful. xD

And they are wrinkly because they can’t iron themselves! rofllllll. winkly. I crack myself up.

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer….......and some peanuts.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
The bear says, “Well I’ve had ‘em my whole life…”

Get it? Paws?

Heres one my mom used to tell me..

“Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?

Because if it was small white and round it would be an ASPIRIN!”

Yeah, I know, its not that funny….

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhinocerous?
“Elephino”.... (say it out loud)

A duck walks into a pharmacy and buys a chap stick. The clerk asks “Cash or credit?” The duck says “Oh, just put it on my bill.”

@reacting_acid ; I love that! I love stupid jokes.

@sliceswiththings ; elephino?

Sounds like “hell if I know!”

Anyone else trying to think of animals to remind them of jokes they may have heard?
My thought process has been “zebra…monkey…sheep…lion…”

@sliceswiththings Ohhhhh I get it! thats clever!!!! Hell if I know….. Elephino… great

@reacting_acid Thanks!

Two whales swimming in the ocean when a ship goes by. The first whale says to his friend, “Hey! Let’s swim under that boat and blow out our blowholes!” The second whale reluctantly agrees. They pull off the stunt perfectly. The first whale says, “Quick! Eat as many people as you can!” The second whale says, “Wait just a second! I agreed to the blow job but I’m NOT swallowing any seamen!”

Ahhhh sorry.

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
“Dam.”

@sliceswiththings ; ROFL at the whale joke!

Uhh. I got nothing.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Can you pick up peanuts with that?

A cow walks into a bar. The bar tender says, “Hey, we don’t serve you kinda here!” The cow replies, ‘Well go fuck yourself!” Then leaves.

@simone54…. I dunt get it…

Haha. I think it’s a spinoff of this joke, maybe?
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve your kind here!” The mushroom replies, “But I’m a fun guy!”

In ancient times cats were worshipped as Gods. They have never forgotten this.

How do you know that cats are smarter than dogs?

You can’t persuade a dozen cats to pull a sled through snow.

A penguin is driving a sports car down the road when he hears a loud BANG from the engine. He pulls off the road at a garage and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says “ok, i’ll take a look, come back in an hour”. The penguin,with an hour to spare, walks to the supermarket. Being a penguin he heads straight for the freezer section and gets stuck into the icecream. He gets it everywhere, all over his beak and all over his face. He is a penguin after all.

An hour later he heads back to the mechanic and the mechanic says to him “Mate, it looks like you’ve blown a seal”. The penguin screams, “NO, NO IT’S JUST ICECREAM”.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you know we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Stan?”

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken leans against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, “Well, I guess we finally got the answer to THAT question!”

@FishGutsDale ; woww. Lurve it.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.37/pound, and deer nuts are under a buck!

@Buttonstc “they have never forgotten this” HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAH thats so true. i love cats. such big attitudes on such little creatures.

@troubleinharlem :) thanks!

@aprilsimnel Oh! I had to read that about 4 times to understand it!

You need to say this outloud:

How far can a frog go underwater?

Knee-deep.

Ooh ooh ooh what do you call a fly with no wings??

A “walk.”

Can’t believe I forgot that one for so long.

Why did the turkey cross the Road?
To prove he is not chicken!
Dam i am cool

How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
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Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door again.
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How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
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By now, you think you know the answer to this one, but think harder….
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Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.

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The king of the animals holds a meeting of all the animals. Which one doesn’t come?

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The giraffe, he’s in the refrigerator.
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You’re out walking, and you come to the alligator-infested Nile river. How do you get across?
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Swim across! All the alligators are at the king’s meeting.

Hahaha, I don’t know why, but I love it! @hannahsugs

Haha @hannahsugs I’ve never heard it get past putting the giraffe in. Love it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possum it could be done.

Why did the lizard cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

@Snarp stapled HAHAHAHAHHA

@deni – I feel like the stapled part is a Steven Wright joke. Could be wrong.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Non-PC, but…

What do elephants use as vibrators? Epileptics.

Your answer has already got many replies but i want to add my animal jokes collection also.
Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?”

The other tiger replied, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

2.A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t help but notice that your dog really seemed to be enjoying the movie.

“He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find it strange?”

“Yes,” she replied, “I found it very strange. He hated the book!”

http://www.funshun.com/jokes/

@Ducky1 I don’t get it. Why would he go to the movie if he hated the book?