Is there a big family secret that you didn't know until you were an adult?

My older cousin gave up a baby years ago and he’s found her. He and his family come to visit- my aunt loves it.

Two years ago (I was 27) I found out I have a half-brother. My father was married before he married my mother and had a son with his first wife. My half-brother is 5 years older than me.

I’m My Own Grandpaw.

I’ve always been in the loop when it came to my mothers family. I spent a lot of time with my grandmother, and she pretty much told me everything about her marriage to my grandfather (they divorced before I was born) and I’ve heard the counter-claims from my mother and her siblings. I also know the “dark” secrets of most of the people in the family. I don’t know why they felt I should know. I know when my cousin was having issues with depression, my Aunt went crazy and told us to not tell anyone at all that it had to be secret and he wasn’t allowed to know the family history….bizarre.

At 21, I learned my grandmother had an illegitimate child, prior to marrying my grandfather, and the gossip that went with it. But, we all (her grown children included) had just learned about it as well. the guy had apparently been trying to contact my grandmother for years and she refused to talk to him, so he resorted to talking to her children, which I think upset her greatly. It was a weird situation, and my mother’s reaction was sort of what I expected….other siblings reacted in their own way.

I found out my mom stopped having sex with my dad years before they got a divorce and would say hurtful things to him every time he tried to be affectionate. Him wanting a divorce after putting up with this for a long time supposedly came as a complete surprise to her.

I wasn’t an adult, I was about 11 years old when I found out that my two oldest sisters are really half-sisters. I was going through boxes in the attic (a favorite past-time even today) and came across two baby books that belonged to them. They had a different last name and I didn’t know why. My mom was in the next room so I asked her why that was. She looked at me like I was crazy. I was a late in life baby, so by the time I came along, her first marriage was old news. She said, “I was married before and he died in a car accident.” She genuinely forgot that I didn’t know! I was a little stunned, but got over it pretty quickly. We were raised as sisters, they called “my” dad, “Dad” since he raised them from the time they were 5 and 3. There was never any step-sister or half-sister stuff. Just sisters.

Not really a big family secret, but I now see my parents as people and not just parents.

My dad cheated on my mom since I was a toddler. She stayed with him because she didn’t want to lose me. My dad’s mom always said hurtful things to my mother and said that she would do everything in her power to make sure my dad got custody of me.

I found out in my early 30s when my parents had to file for bankruptcy because of his infidelities. He spent over $1000 a month for a condo for his mistress and maxed out his credit cards. My father took care of my grandmother’s finances because she was blind and with his accounting background fixed the numbers so she wouldn’t find out that he was taking money from her. He ended up spending all of my inheritance as well as my sisters so he could have a little fun on the side.

I guess it couldn’t have been a family secret if no one knew… but we all found out last year that my dad had another daughter who is grown and hired a PI to find him.

It honestly didn’t come as a huge surprise.

But it’s been awkward.

my uncle has a son he’s never known, my mom had a sister that died at birth, my great uncles wife left him for a woman, my grandmothers husbands mothers husband molested his step daughter and is in prison. my immediate family is completely normal and these other incidents are in NO way a representation of my life/lifestyle.

Also, a few months ago, found out my father tried to kidnap me when I was a baby.

I found out a few years ago that my aunt had a baby that died when he was 3 weeks old. Nobody ever spoke of it before, or since actually.

@Cupcake – that happened in a slightly more awkward fashion to my MIL. At her father’s funeral, a woman slightly younger than her (she’s the oldest of two) came up to her and said, “Hi, I’m your sister.”

When I was a kid, my grandmother always talked about her parents as if they were dead and how hard her mother used to work. Later on in life when I was working on the family history I found my great grandmother died when I was 12 yo. Since I was living with my grandmother, I know that neither she or my mother went to the funeral. It turns out that my ggrandmother owned rental proprties and that’s how she supported herself very well. I learned my ggrandfather died when I was 8 and I know my mother didn’t go to his funeral either.

Yes.

Side question if you feel like it: would you rather have learnt of it (the family secret – as an adult), or not; given the option?

I found out that my father and both his brothers all were married and divorced before they married their current wives and started families.

I found out I was Jewish at age 20. That was kind of a shock. I wanted to know why my parents never said anything. Apparently, they didn’t think it was important.

@daloon One of my friends learned he was Jewish when he was in his 20s as well. But, the parents didn’t know either, his father had been adopted and it took him a while to figure out who his birth parents were. They were all pretty thrilled to learn about it.

—@daloon Nu? Feeling guilty about it?

Not really a big family secret, but when I was in high school my mom casually mentioned my dad’s first wife. They were married nine years. Nine! No kids or anything, but I was surprised to not have known about it before that. My family’s super close and divorce is such a life-changing thing (not that I would know), so I think that in a close family kids should know that their dad went through a divorce.

@sliceswiththings Not to belittle what you’ve written, but: My family’s super close and divorce is such a life-changing thing… GUESS NOT, EH??!!

Ga, not as an adult, but when I was 9 or 10 I was reading a diary my mom kept in a pantry on a shelf—wasn’t hidden or anything. I found out my Dad had been married to some twit named Trixie (Trixie Dad??) right after high school. Marriage lasted 6 months. THAT was a shocker to me, that he’d been married before!! Especially to someone named Trixie.

At age 12 I learned that I had an older half-brother on my bio-dad’s side. My grandmother had a slip of the tongue while talking to my mom and they underestimated how closely I was paying attention.

At age 21 I learned that my bio-dad had been in touch with my grandma and trying to connect with me throughout the years but she would not pass it along to me until I was “old enough” to make my own decision.

While researching the whole mom & bio-dad divorce & my custody situation (I was getting conflicting stories) I learned that my mom had been married once before him – that made 4 marriages for her!

I didn’t know that my grandfather slit his own throat in front of my mother while she was pregnant with me. He survived but she never let me meet him. Now I understand the family rifts between her and her siblings

I am the family “secret.”

@Judi Oh my god!

@Val123 ; To much family drama. it can make a person crazy.

I seriously thought that I was a single child. Well, two weeks ago, I found out that I have a sister who is 26. I asked my father about it, and he told me that they were very young, and my mother had become pregnant. She didn’t want to well, terminate the pregnancy, which is what her father wanted, so she carried full term. She then gave my sister up.

My father said that they would have kept her, but they were in no situation to have a child. They weren’t ready.

So now, my sister wrote a contact letter, and it got forwarded to the house, and that is how I found out she wants to meet me next week.

@shego Oh my gosh! How do you feel about that????

@Val123 I don’t know. It is weird. I guess my father really never had that on his mind, and that is why I never got told. My question is why did my mother take that one to the grave with her.

@shego…. Oh…..your father surely had it on his mind, and your mother. How did you find out?

@Val123 a letter got forwarded to my house from my mothers old address, and my father is the one who opened it. Then he told me to read the letter, and that is when I found out.

My Mom told me of her previous marriage when I was an adult. I found during a genealogical search that my Grandmother’s first baby was born dead. Grandma’s real first name was Jemimah, not Pearl. I also found out that on the Mormon side of my family, a distant relative was married to the same man her daughter was married to, at the same time.

Uhh… Judi wins. :(

@ubersiren Actually, I think it’s maybe a tie between @Judi and @shego

Where to begin?! I don’t remember any of the dates so I’ll estimate…about 15 years ago I found out that my cousin is really my half sister! My mother had an affair and she was the result, my aunt couldn’t have children so she adopted her! My real father, brothers and sister all knew, I didn’t. My grandfather was my mom’s step father…my step father had a son when he was in Vietnam. My real father remarried when he divorced my mom and just found out about 5 years ago I have a half brother from that marriage, I have never met him. The worst one was this, my uncle (my half sister/cousin’s step father) was a convicted murderer and rapist of teenage girls! I think that’s it (I don’t think I could deal with anymore)!

@ShanEnri WHAAAAA!!! Man! That is a best selling book if I ever heard one! Are you OK??

That my grandfather was murdered and didn’t die of natural causes as I once believed and that my grandma is an alcoholic and she cheats on her husband constantly oh yeah and that my grandma’s husband is not just being nice he is full on hitting on me

@sjmc1989 You guys….I’m going to have to go into freaking counseling after this question…...

@Val123 My entire family needs counseling! BTW My name is Trixie :(

@sjmc1989 Oh shit! COUNSELOR!!!!!!!!

@Val123 Just kidding my parents never would have named me that! just wanted to make you sweat a little sorry! :)

@NewZen My dad had the divorce THEN married my mom and started my family, the four of us are really close. The divorce affected only my dad, not my immediate family. Just to clarify:)

@sjmc1989 LOL!! I went and watched some David Lettermen and thought…she’s yankin’ my chain. HAS to be. Nobody would put “Trixie” on a birth certificate! Because, well, there is something about me that seems to yell at everyone, “Give her (me) crap!!” and…it happens a lot! (maybe the philosophy is “turn about is fair play” :) Planning my revenge as we speak, Trixie :)

I found out a few years ago that I have a brother who’s 3 years older than me. He was given up for adoption and just recently located us. He’s an amazing guy and it’s kind of cool, but also a little disorienting.

I think this is pretty common these days, though. I think people who gave kids up for adoption in the 60’s and 70’s could have never predicted how easy it would be for them to be found.

@Val123 I only pick on people I really like! :) I have my eye on you!

@sliceswiththings Nothing to clarify. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when one is serious or kidding, sarcastic or not – and even facetiously written things could be harmless in intent, as was the case. I simply meant, as a divorced person, a son of a divorced couple, the brother of divorced siblings; life goes on and it isn’t a big deal. To me.

On a serious note: it’s the second time around I seem to be taking too seriously – it’s been 10 years since the divorce and I can’t seem to settle down with a woman.

SIGH. A MAN NEEDS A MAID.

@NewZen Aha, makes sense! Probably could have figured that one out had I not been up til 4:00 on Fluther last night…little sleepy. Good to know life goes on! Sorry to hear the second time’s been rough…good luck.

@figbash so…is he cool with it all? Are you? That would be so amazing, and happy for me, to have a lost brother or sister contact me. It really would…

@Trixie I’m keepin my eye on you too! Muhaaaahaaaahaaa!

@sliceswiththings The second time hasn’t been rough – it’s been non-existent. It’s been slow and cautious – like a wounded animal avoiding the trapper, again.

@NewZen , wow, I’m sorry man. =(

@Val123 Yeah my family is a soap opera! And I’m fine at least the voices say I am

That my aunt was a “bar whore”. Aunt by marriage. I still like her better than most of my family, though.

“bar whores” have their moments. Not that I’d….yea well, one time, and she was Japanese, at least partly…

@Val123: Yeah, actually everyone’s cool with it except for our mother. The only thing I find a little weird is that he’s incredibly enthusiastic and wants to make up for lots of lost time. For some reason, his overwhelming attempts to connect and spend time together freak me out a little. I can’t explain it. I just feel like he really, really is expecting a storybook ending. That being said he’s an amazing guy – he’s highly successful, talented, intelligent and really thoughtful. He’s also very, very emotional. I plan to meet him this year.

@figbash Oh, wow…maybe he’s afraid that..you guys won’t like him and you’ll leave him? (again) so he’s over compensating (which, of course, might have the opposite effect of what he wants…)

And…why isn’t your mom happy? I find that quite curious….