—
I know this is long but I wanted to give you a better sense of what it feels like…I wrote this not so long ago
My body is a mother’s body. It is not a young girl’s body with its perky…glow and smooth lines from the top of the thigh to the small of the back. Mine is a slightly used kind of a vehicle-warrior, a body of valleys…soft in all the right places, you might say…reminiscent of battles in the uterus, struggles and pain. It is a jagged, unshaven landscape where you, at a distance, might notice some stretch marks…veins on my legs – cowards that collapsed under the new burden of pregnancy weight. Mine is a body that suffered through spasms and ripping…and darkness – darkness after the light of my first child came forth into a Brooklyn day, in July. I rocked this body around the bed unable to loosen myself free of panic and anxiety, irrational fears, insomnia, insom, in…I kept this body close to him, my son, so he’d feel that no matter what was breaking within me, I’d keep him whole…and I did.
My body is a mother’s body. It is not a dancer’s body with its pristine posture and its taut-as-string ankles. Mine is a body that knows what an obsession dance can be but that life, that movement no longer comes first. It is a body that responds to an inviting embrace of the Argentine Tango but it does so with a reluctant and bothered ankle, broken weeks before the light of my second child rushed into the world on the day I, too, was born just twenty-five years prior. I crumbled under my own pressure, onto a mail box at the corner of Kings Highway and 8th…Cursing, I semi-hopped home thinking that, obviously, it makes all sorts of sense to labor with a broken limb. Months later, it is the ankles of my second son that I worry about, researching and purchasing multi-colored keds-looking socks with perfect little white bows on top…
My body is a mother’s body. It is not a yoga champion’s body with its ruthless balance and strength that would make you laugh unwillingly in admiration. Mine is a body that tethered itself to yoga long ago in an effort to rid its system of anti-depressants. Yoga has never failed me though I can’t say the same in return for I have left it behind numerous times…left it twice to have my babies…but now I’ve returned. Sometimes my returns are guilt-ridden since the time I take for my breath, my sweat, and my joints to be bathed in freshly oxygenated blood could be time spent laughing at and with my children…time spent fucking my partner, but I digress…most of the time I remember that taking time for myself helps me parent more steadily, love more deeply, guide more passionately…
My body is a mother’s body. It is not my mother’s body with its frail shoulders and botoxed cheeks. It is a body of risks taken for love, signs of the past…meshed with tattoo ink and piercing holes. It is a body upon which one artist transferred another artist’s work joining me to a movement for a unified cosmic consciousness. I have bruised it often banging into the floor of my bathtub from exhaustion. I have squeezed my hands to my forehead so I can think of something other than both of my children screaming. I have felt anger well in my chest at the sheer inescapability of certain mothering situations. Yet with my body, my tears and heart I can pull through long enough to kiss the person without whom I’d never be able to see the clarity in all the fog. Mine is a body that gets protected and wrapped by a gentle lover’s touch all through the night, a touch I feel through the day no matter how many miles apart we are.
Mine is not always a beautiful body to my eyes but sometimes it is…when the light is right, when the angle’s right, when the mirror’s bribed…nah, that’s not it…though I can claw at my body in frustration because it no longer is what it used to be, I know better than that…what I know is nothing I can explain on these pages…but when I feel both my sons collapse onto my breasts that have struggled to breastfeed, I believe that, undoubtedly, my body’s war wounds have always and will forever remain worth it. My body is my own but it is also my children’s mother’s body and I better learn to respect it.
Love yourselves,
Namaste
—