How do you get someone to be more open with you?

1 be open with them.

2 tell them the past doesn’t matter, because their past is what makes them the person they are today.

3 tell them they can tell you anything, and you will still love them (but only if you really mean it).

I second what @DrBill says and want to add one:

4 Do not pressure him or be disappointed if he does not share with you as soon as you tell him the above. You may need to repeat steps 1–3 a few times over a few months before he is ready.

@kayyyyleigh: (An awful lot of “y”‘s to count) At some point you have to decide that he is who he is for the moment (or the year). Some guys go to their graves with the same emotional handicap. Some guys learn to be less defended.

I spent decades trying to get through the emotional wall my father had erected. He died with it intact, sadly.

share something with them too! make them feel comfortable

If a person is private about their past or their emotions, pressuring them will only make them feel hassled and defensive. If you are there for him, and are understanding about him wanting privacy, he will open up to you in his own time.

You say he’s not being open with you but you also mentioned that you can’t just come right out and ask him about these things. Well, you just might have to. Maybe he is willing to talk about things but feels awkward coming out of nowhere and discussing where his father is. Just ask. If he still doesn’t open up, don’t push him. He clearly has trust issues if he can’t be open with you at this point in the relationship.

Be patient and have no expectations.

I’m in the exact same situation right now..I share everything on my mind with this girl. But when I ask her about things she sometimes just doesn’t want to answer or talk about it. At first, it did frustrate me. But after I talked to her friend I realized that’s just the type of person she is. She will listen to what I have to say, but she’s just not one of those people who like to talk about personal things from the past. The guy you’re talking to might be the same, and if he is that’s just something you have to learn to accept. There’s nothing you can do about someone wanting to leave their past or personal information to themself.

Hi @ThomasJames Welcome to Fluther.

I just wanted to add something:

Sometimes in life we work real hard to overcome obstacles to create our own lives and in doing so we deliberately separate ourselves from our past.

I love my soul mate with all my heart. My spouse and I have an awesome relationship that is extremely intimate and we are best friends. But still – there are things I will not re-live just to satisfy the curiosity of even my spouse.

Instead of looking at it like it is a wall between you try looking at it as old past history with no relevancy on today.

Yes- you are curious. But there is a reason that your significant other has omitted some information from your current lives. Chances are it is because they have risen above the challenges of the past and have emotionally moved on. They may, like me, not want to be identified by that time or re-live past emotion and have to deal with the natural questions that might arise from the revealed knowledge. Despite what anyone thinks- information does change relationships.

Why not just let today be? Why not just appreciate what you have and trust that if the information in the past is important that you will be informed?

Just sayin’

Tell them, “it doesn’t matter; don’t tell me if you don’t want to.” (reverse psychology?)