Why won't he let go?
Asked by
Shegrin (
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December 1st, 2009
I broke things off with one of my best friends, because although we have a shload in common, and although we get along well most of the time, I became painfully aware that he is never there for me when I need him (I have been for him) and he chooses lies and excuses over cowboying up and doing the right thing when it’s expected.
Now that I’ve put this plan into motion (not instigating contact, not answering his calls, dropping his accumulated crap from my place in his driveway), he won’t let me end everything and is trying to turn the situation around so he is the victim. He just doesn’t get it.
He has an excuse for everything. I asked him (since he is right now in a better financial situation than me) to get some concert tickets for us and that I would pay for mine the day of the concert. He said, “You’ve done that for me many times, so yes. I can definitely do that.” Two days before the concert, I hadn’t heard from him in the better part of a week, so I sent a text that let him know I’d figured out we weren’t going to the show. I still heard nothing from him and after 24 hours passed, I sent another text that said, “Nothing, huh? Okay, I can take a hint.”
3 hours later, he texted me and said his phone was lost and he didn’t get enough on his check to pay his insurance and buy the tickets. This was an hour before the concert was supposed to start. In my view, he proved to me once again that he’s not to be counted on. He says I overreact and I’m taking this too far.
I need to know: What is his damage? Why won’t he let this all just deflate quietly?
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10 Answers
Perhaps his ego can’t bear to deal with someone calling him on his, er, stuff, especially since it was still working for him, at least until now. I’ve known plenty of people like that in this life. Not that I talk to them anymore, but…
It sounds like you’re disappointed that he hasn’t lived up to your expectation of how he should be…...pardon the bluntness, but that is your issue and you have to deal with it as you see fit, but you have to allow him to feel and react as he sees fit.
The real question is: are you able/willing to accept him for who he actually is as opposed to who you think he should be and appreciate him for whatever qualities he may have? Maybe you can, maybe you can’t – the choice is yours.
He won’t let it go, because you are a good, reliable friend that he uses for all sorts of things, and up until now, he has not had to do anything to hold onto your friendship.
Do not waver. Users do not change.
Stop wasting energy trying to figure him out or to get him to see sense. Instead, be proud that you cared enough about yourself to set limits on being mistreated by this guy. Then, focus forward on finding new friends who truly will be friends!
Congratulations on your lucky escape.
Forget trying to get into his mindset. Make a decision and then stick to it. You owe him no lengthy explanations. The fact that he says you are “overreacting” is manipulative behavior, and you have no reason to put up with him for another second. Wave good-bye, get on the train and do not (DO NOT) even look out the window.
Why won’t he let go?
Maybe he still likes you.
Don’t do the long drawn-out thing because you want to let him down gently. If you’re serious about breaking it off, then break it hard and fast.
I can’t tell if you are looking for reasons to stay or reasons to go. You’re obviously angry. If you want to maintain a relationship, then you have to find better ways of communicating than throwing clothes in his driveway. Similarly, stop reading into his “hints.” You don’t know if he meant to hint or if there is some other reason for his behavior. You have to talk to get things clear. You have to believe each other is telling the truth. If you’re unwilling to talk and you don’t trust each other, then neither of you will have much fun in the relationship.
It seems everyone here have given good (and consistent) answers to this. It’s not worth the energy trying to analyze his behavior, it will only drag you down. It’s hard to see a friend suffer, even if you don’t want to be in contact with them anymore. But really, if you really want to cease contact with him (which it seems you do), you just have to block him out completely.
I was in a similar situation with a girl who I had been best friends with for years. I realized her emotionally manipulative behavior was making me miserable, so one day after she did something that really pissed me off, I stopped talking to her period. Luckily we lived pretty far away and our main contact was through AIM, so severing our bond was as simple as blocking her from my buddy list. It was hard for a while since we were such good friends, and sometimes I still read her blog to see what she was up to, but every time I did I was reminded of why I had broke things off with her in the first place.
Stay strong. Let him deal with his loss on his own. Becoming involved will only make things more complicated.
It sounds like you’re progressing in maturity, while he’s stuck wherever he’s stuck. This type of behavior is not cute or acceptable in an adult. Have no regrets.
@wildflower I suppose you have a point, but I was asking him to treat me the way he expected me to treat him. Equality and honesty are outdated, but I still believe in them.
Also, I should clarify. I didn’t throw his stuff into the driveway. I neatly stacked it on a bale of hay and covered it partially with a tarp so it wasn’t visible from the street. I’m not vindictive, just done.
Equality and honesty are NOT outdated. Never settle for less.
Equality and honesty are eternal verities, as far as I am concerned.
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