Trying to understand my friend's motivations for cheating on his wife with prostitutes?

First. He is a complete asshole and I hope gets caught (wink)

I would say that it is power or sex. Using a different prostitute makes me think it leans more towards sex since that reduces the risk of being caught.

@johnpowell I think you’re right that sex is obviously a big part of the motivation but I think it goes beyond that. When he was single he used to do stuff like try to have sex with different girls in the same night just so he had a story to tell. I wonder whether there’s some kind of daredevil aspect to it.

There are a lot of high-functioning sociopaths with narcissistic features.

Ugh. This is a friend? (I would have to be pickier about my friends.)

@pdworkin That definitely sounds like him.

Do you know that he is actually keeping this a secret from his wife? Lots of couples have arrangements that make this okay.

@pdworkin Just to clarify, when you say narcissistic, you mean he’s doing it to make himself look good in the mirror, right?

I think it’s terrible when people who have kids do that.

@nikipedia That is possible but a couple of us who know him have been discussing and just don’t believe his wife is the kind of person who would go along with this especially because of the possible health risks. But it’s possible of course.

@syz I’m not close to him. He’s more of an indirect friend.

Why not just ask him? How did you find out about this in the first place?

And I don’t think it’s fair to assume there are greater health risks associated with sex with prostitutes. In countries with legalized prostitution there is mandatory STD testing every so often—so they are probably safer to sleep with than your average college student.

He’s rich. He’s smart. He clearly likes a variety of women. He’s probably used to getting a lot of attention and envy from people of both sexes. He settled down (or gave the image of settling down) with one woman and has some kids to take care of- quite different than how his life used to be, and maybe a bit boring for him.

Having beautiful women travel with him allows him to get an adrenaline rush, gets him more attention from others, and leaves him with very little commitment to any of these partners.

What he’s doing is not ok (unless he and his wife have an arrangement that allows it), but I can see why he would be doing it.

@nikipedia If college students and pigeons have one thing in common, it’s that they’re both fluttering disease bags. :p

He sounds like a thrill junkie, they like to live like “they can have it all”.

Did this friend once hold high office in the state of New York by chance?

@aboutaboy Narcissism is a kind of mental disorder. There is a widely used diagnostic manual which gives the diagnostic criteria as the following:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

the thrill of i i think is his motivation. No matter what it is what he is doing is wrong.

He sounds like a sex addict to me.

Maybe he’s missing something that he thinks or intuits could be filled by sex by having a lover. He knows he can’t have a lover, because he could make a mistake and get caught, and there would go the house, wife, and kids. So the next best thing are these short term relationships for business trips. It’s not about love; it’s about sex, but that’s a reasonable facsimile.

He changes the prostitutes because he doesn’t want to get attached. Then she’d become a lover, and you inevitably get caught with a lover.

To some degree, he looks like a sex addict, but I don’t think that sex addiction really means anything. From what I understand, it’s not in the psychiatry diagnosis manuals.

We don’t know his past and his upbringing. We don’t don’t know a lot that could provide clues. But I don’t think it is possible to understand this behavior without looking into his relationships early in life. Was he loved? If not, then maybe it’s understandable. If he was loved, then I have no clue.

However, he seems driven to succeed, so that could come because he feels like no one ever will truly like or love him unless he is a superstar. If he’s lonely, it’s not just because he’s using his power to separate himself from others. There’s something else missing from him.

So there you go. One more explanation—probably worthless. Unless you ask him, you’ll never know. The rest of it is mental masturbation.

You don’t really have to understand. You either accept him or you don’t. You are a friend or you or not. Simple.

this is why: high end hookers are often very smart, well educated and entertaining. They spare no expense to remain fit and attractive. they have an intuition about pleasing whomever has hired them. they are non- judgemental, and will sexually do things that some wives won’t. sometimes men will talk to a hooker about things he would never, ever talk to about with a wife or girlfriend. your friend is not doing right by his wife, but you asked why and this is why some men see hookers.

That’s what high-end hookers are like in the movies.

@pdworkin The definition seems to fit him rather well I would say. Thanks for the list.

@daloon Nice analysis. I don’t know him well enough to be able to say for sure whether your analysis is accurate of him however.