Trapped in a miserable life...

get some financial advise. financial peace university. http://www.daveramsey.com/ read that don’t worry about the religious part or what ever. do it right away. do you read? find some peace and read some good books. If you are lonely, join a book club, a museum group, or something like that. Don’t worry so much about missing the boat. Lots of people live alone all their lives and are ok. If you want to get married, do the things you like to do, and try to meet someone who shares your interests. You might want to see a naturopath. I feel for you I really really do. Please don’t despair. As long as you are reaching out, you are going to get help and be ok.

Has a therapist ever suggested a support group for compulsive spenders? You could restructure and negotiate your debts but that won’t do much for why you spend, the underlying root of the depression.

Definitely seek financial help as @trailsillustrated suggested (if you aren’t already doing).
With regards to your job: find something you love doing, get good it and quit your job. Nobody should do something they hate, everyday, for the rest of their lives. It isn’t good for the soul.

I have a hunch that you have not been getting adequate help. I once saw a therapist for 12 years, and think I was worse off when I terminated than when I started. But when I got competent assistance from a well-trained person, things began to change as if by magic.

People who know me here will not be surprised when I tell you that I believe firmly in the efficacy of Cognitive-Behavioral therapy with someone very well trained. Good therapists are available and not so terribly expensive. Don’t wait around.

I want to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to answer. I have in the past been active danced, ran, went to the gym, now it is hard to get even get up in the morning. I have the debts conslidated but it is a big chunk of my paycheck every week, and I agree I have never gotten adequate help, now I’m beginning a new program and am hoping it works…Thanks again

Your way of thinking is only exacerbating your depression.
You seem to believe that your situation is permanent, unchangeable, and out of your control (“I don’t think I’ll ever get married” “I’m a failure” “My age makes it difficult to meet new friends”). You expect nothing to get better, so you don’t do anything to improve your life, and therefore remain unhappy (“I don’t meet people because I rarely go out”). Maybe you should go out. You’re not powerless to change your future.

Rumination is the worst possible thing you can do. You’re doing it right now, sitting here and brooding about everything wrong in your life. Try to distract yourself, look outward, and seek solutions. This ruminating tendency of yours is what contributes to longer lasting depression.

@le inferno I agree, I seem to be addicted to negativity. I have noone to go out with and no money to spend. It is very difficult to have any hope in darkness, I have always expected thngs to get better, but have in the process been disappointed and am afraid to try again.. but I do thank you

write down everything you think needs to be chaned in your life, then start one problem at a time.

Let me just add that I was miserably unhappy, and recognize myself in your description of the way you feel, and I was 55 before I was happy, ensconced in a loving relationship, and being productive. You arwe much younger, and will have a longer time in which to feel happy and fulfilled. I know it can happen; I wish you well.

The older I’ve gotten I seem to have had more than my share of meaningless relationships but I think I’ve gotten closer and closer to finding out what works for me and what I actually want. I’ve never been married and I’m 42. But I have no wife to answer to and no baby to change. I can Fluther to my heart’s content or make listings for eBay at 3 in the morning.

I’ve gone through a series of career manifestations and I’ve definitely fine tuned that as well. I believe that what Edison said was true as well in that he didn’t feel like he made a mistake in the thousands of elements he tested for the filament of the light bulb. He just considered these as thousands of different elements that he was certain would not work and thus put him closer to his goal. He lit up the entire world so I think that’s a good attitude to copy.

I think that living on my own from a young age has been the cornerstone of my confidence though. I think that if you live according to your heart and gut and are beholden to no one, then you can get through anything. Like Billy Holiday said, “Mama may have, Papa may have, but God bless the child thats got his own”.
P.S.-I’ve got about 90,000 in debt but that’s the confidence that lender’s have in my ability to pay them back and the solid business future I have. :)

1. Get your own place. I don’t care if you have to live in a closet and don’t be afraid to be alone. This is a foundation for taking responsibility for your own life. It won’t last forever.
2.Talk to the grocery clerk. Strike up a conversation with the barista at Starbucks. Take baby steps with no expectations but to bring something to someone’s life as simple as a smile. You don’t have to break dance into Studio 54
Most importantly have no expectations but bring it rather than expect it and lo and behold you’ll get it. Be the source.
3. Surrender to being part of the human race.

@trapped You don’t always need much money to go out, nor do you need friends to go out with. Maybe seek out some activities where you’ll meet friends, and are free and/or cheap. Do you know anyone at work you are friendly with/could be friends with?

@le inferno, I had many friends at work, most got married and have children therefore have very little time for me, the onyl other single girl at work, I have tried to reach out to her, we have gone out occasionally however she has a strong support network of friends, and I think it’s enough for her… I also work with all women, it is very hard since they gossip alot and I cannot relate to that, I am one of the topics of the gossip, I know for a fact they talk of how miserable I look, how I’m still single etc… and it’s humiliating , so I have to be very careful as to who i speak to.. I am well liked by the parents in my school and have been told many times what an excellent teacher I am, but it is not fulfilling anymore, I find it toxic to be in a building where you dont know who to trust…

also $60,000 isn’t that much, shouldn’t take long to pay off

@trapped ps. @le_inferno is right if you do it right you can dig your way out of that debt. I’d consider moving sounds like you are in an obnoxious, tight little community.

It sounds to me like you have the Victimitis Virus. It causes Poor-Little-Me-Syndrome, but there is a cure. First you have to move out of Pity City. This is a concept developed by Jim Clemmer.

You start with an attitude adjustment, accept that there are some things you can not change. Life isn’t fair, and that is a fact.

The next thing to look for is the things that you can change. You can’t really choose what happens to you, but look past that. You can change how you choose to respond.

Change is a process, it doesn’t take place all at once, but once you take the steps in that direction, you will recognize the milestones. One idea is to develop a system. That’s what I use. I made a pledge to myself a long time ago to be happy every single day for the rest of my life.

Does that mean I go around with a silly grin on my face all day? No, it means that everyday I find at least one thing to be happy about. When I wake up every morning, I ask myself what I can do to make this day a good day.

Part of a “system” for change might include pretending to be happy. That can be one technique that leads to other ideas as time passes. If you want more tips and ideas, look at this site.

I agree with @tyrantxseries completely. I was in a situation a little while ago where I was completely miserable but I decided to be productive about the things I did not like. I didn’t like my life so I one by one changed what was bringing me down. It is not easy at all but you can’t change everything all at once. It can get overwelming so writing it down so you can see it organized is a great idea. It is hard but not impossible. You don’t fail unless you quit on the fight. Good luck and my thoughts are with you ((Hug))

@YARNLADY All those platitudes and kitschy phrases don’t sound helpful to me when someone is in such serious pain. I think the self-help- crap is better for bored suburban housewives, not people in the midst of a major depressive episode.

@pdworkin for shame! she is merely talking about finding 1 thing in a day to be grateful for- this is an exercise- and yes it does work. it isn’t a platitude, it is an exercise that is done daily.

@pdworkin That sounds like a defeatist attitude. It works for me and for thousands of other people. How is what I have repeated any different than You arwe much younger, and will have a longer time in which to feel happy and fulfilled. Many people think happiness comes from somewhere outside ourselves, for you that would seem to be true. However, it can just as easily come from within.

Life will have some surprises for you in the future, try to be positive, we all have been in bad moments/situations, caught in bad relationships, every day is a gift, try to see it like that, find joy in simple things like a walk in the park, taking pictures of common places and make them magical through the lens, read, something, there must be something out there for you, make a change in your life, a simple change, one step at the time, you will be fine, God only puts in our lifes things we can handle, and you will :)

I don’t feel any shame. If something sounds like bullshit to me, I call it the way I see it. Feel free to disagree, but don’t try to shame me. I think I’m right, and you think you’re right. So, we disagree. Big fuckin’ deal.

@pdworkin haruuumph! ok sweetie you know you are rightous

love you, too.

@pdworkin On Fluther, it works better when comments give alternate ideas, or describe where the ideas given can be improved. To call another users ideas by pejorative names such as “crap” does nothing to further the discussion. A simple – that doesn’t work for me – would be a lot more useful. It isn’t necessary to demean the other ideas to get your point that you disagree across.

@YARNLADY You have tried before to get me to post in a style not my own. I am content to be myself. I’m sorry you find it unpleasant, but tant pis. We disagree. Perhaps it will be best if we ignore one another. I thought your little suggestion was crap, and I said so, I retain that opinion, it is clear you think I’m wrong, so let’s drop it.

@trapped I cringed at the thought of grown women gossiping over the fact that you’re single – there is no set age that determines when a woman should be married or seriously involved with someone. I’m sorry they made you feel badly for that, and it upsets me greatly to know that because of this you feel you cautious of who speak to at your workplace.

You say that you find it toxic to be in the building you work in – do you think you would enjoy teaching at a different school? Do you find joy in teaching at all? Educating and inspiring students?

@SeventhSense has provided some helpful ways to get back on track, perhaps switching schools might be an additional step to improvement.

I am sorry to have caused tension between members, I do appreciate all advice, however Id o find it hard to be happy about anything, and I think one can only understand that if they do experience a mental illness. I do want to join the human race again and this is why I have constantly seeked therapy for 16 years, even after being told by many therapists that they did not wish to see me any longer, that my problems were beyond their capabilities. When I began therapy at 21, I thought my problems would be solved, however I have found many incompetent doctors, who care more about making money than helping, one actually told me that if i was paying out of pocket, instead of through insurance I probably would be better by now, to me it seems the mental health system needs revamping, insurance companies need to take these illnesses more seriously and pay the doctors more, which is a whole other discussion in itself…

@pdworkin happy, happy, happy

@pdworkin
All those platitudes and kitschy phrases don’t sound helpful to me when someone is in such serious pain. I think the self-help- crap is better for bored suburban housewives, not people in the midst of a major depressive episode
That’s an excuse for a mindset. And that’s exactly when they are most profound and most helpful. Listen to the children. It takes humility. Much of what we call depression is just self absorbed neurosis. Of course some people need medication but the vast majority of medicated depression today could be solved by developing behavioral adaptation skills. A boy like Mattie had every reason to be depressed but he never lost his spirit. Sometimes the old school is right and it takes a child to reveal this to “intelligent” adults.
P.S—Respect your elders.

@SeventhSense PS: Bite me.

1. Find bridge.
2. Wait for goats.

Haha! I kid.

Another suggestion is to sign up for volunteer work. Sometimes working with other people can help take your mind off your own problems, and give a little relief.

Edit: Plus Disneyland is giving away free tickets to people who do volunteer work.

@pdworkin
Well it looks like it’s been bit already so I’ll leave you with what little you have left

thanks. it’s a mere acorn in repose, but from acorns grow mighty oaks.

[mod says] Let’s get back to the topic, folks. And be civil, please.

Get a different therapist until you find one that truly helps you. Possibly also add in a therapy group where you can share feelings so you can realize you are not alone.

Consider getting better medication for what is going on with you. Xanax is for anxiety but does nothing for depression. Vicodin is for pain and does nothing for depression either. An anti-depressant may help you immensely.

Also, make yourself go back to exercising, even if it is just a walk around the block. Exercise gets your body to release endorphins which then improve your moods.

Figure out a hobby you might enjoy and join a group that does that, preferably one that has none of your coworkers in it.

Also consider teaching in a different school. Some private schools may not pay as well but they can be world’s apart when it comes to attitude and co-workers. Sometimes even switching from one school to another within the same district or switching to curriculum development for a while can help, especially if you might be interested in moving up the ladder into administration.

As mentioned above, sign up for volunteer work. There are many, many agencies that need your help, really need it, and it will make you feel productive.

And do try to find one good thing out of each day. It may seem to be a puny self-help ploy, but I find it helps me a great deal. I deal with a disabled husband, a bipolar son, and a teen-aged daughter, and some days the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of listening to the birds in the yard.

BTW, I decided in my thirties that I would never get married, so I built the perfect house for a single person and settled down only to meet Mr. Right just a few years later. Life can and does change rapidly at times.

@darwin is right. try volunteering. I was sentenced to work in a soup-kitchen, and it was fun! it was at a really low low point in my life. It helps you get out of yourself and meet people, and just have something to do that is actually fun, rewarding, and a first step. a million ga’s, @Darwin

hey @trapped person. i’ve got a friend who i’m worried about turning into you. she doesn’t believe me that spending more time socially would be worth more to her than killing herself over her education.. and her dream is even to be a teacher. Anyway, @trapped, my two cents has been given away a few times now on this site. take it or leave it, it goes like this: Life is what you remember.

You call yours a “miserable” life. What I’m hearing when you say that is this: “everything I can remember and ponder about my existence happens to create the emotion of misery in me.” Now, consider what someone with a “great” life would be saying: “everything I can remember and ponder about my existence happens to create the emotion of happiness in me.”

If you want to believe that you’re eating an ice cream cone, what do you have to do?
You have to be eating an ice cream cone. You can’t just believe it by choice alone. You have to have evidence. It’s the same thing with your life. If you want to be able to believe that your life is something other than what it is, you have to actually be living it differently than you have been. If you continue to live the exact way that you have been living, you are only creating more and more memories of the sort that do not benefit your emotional state. It’s simply cause and effect.

A lot of depressed people think to themselves: “But I don’t want to go out!” foolishly thinking that they are doing themselves a favor, often they say: “oh, it’s not really “me” to be going out. i’m suppose to do what i “want”!” However, these people are wrong. They are wrong about what they ultimately “want” for themselves. They do want to go out, because going out will give them different memories than the ones they have been creating so far. The ones that have resulted in their depression. They need to create different memories. Ones that produce a different result. Changing your memories = Changing your life.

ARE DRUGS BAD, MMMKAY?

I don’t know exactly. I do know that you can’t just quit them because they affect all kinds of chemicals. However, my major malfunction when it comes to prescribed drugs is that the doctors tend to be trying to merely make you Content with the shitty decisions you are used to making, such as: “I’m staying home!” When in actuality, the problem is your decisions themselves. Those decisions are what have been leading you towards depression, not you.

You aren’t depressed. Your memories just suck. Depression is your body’s way of telling you that your memories are really really shitty so far and that change is needed. New, better, and a more happifing set of memories are needed. Once you have those happyifying memories, you won’t be able to believe that your memories suck. Once you no longer believe that your memories suck, you won’t be able to claim that you are depressed.

This is how I see things. All you need is new memories. You need a lot though to compensate for 37 years of shitty memories. But you can use those past 37 years as a guide for yourself of what not to do. Imagine if you had that guide 15 years ago! You’re better off now than you were. You have way more knowledge about what kinds of memories you need to be creating for yourself than you did when you were a teen. Don’t regret the past, that’s a waste of time. Instead, just learn from it. Apply your knowledge.

Inertia

You need to develop new habits and that takes time and patience. When you feel yourself getting lazy, you have to recognize that as a signal. A trigger that tells you: “This good thing I don’t feel like doing is EXACTLY what I am going to do.” Write this on a piece of paper and keep it in your back pocket. When you feel sluggish, pull it out and read it out loud with enthusiasm. Several times until you believe it and until you do it. Yes, really.

And when you fail to do everything perfectly, understand that there is a learning curve to change. Change is abrasive. That resistance is itself a signal telling you that you are living IN a period of change. You are literally warping from one person to another. That resistance is merely the vibrations of the process of time travel between the old you and the new you. You will resist yourself a lot at first. And it will keep getting better and easier the closer you get to your goal. Eventually you will have a habit of being the new you. It takes time and it’s worth it. Start now.

(sorry for the long post)

And there you have it. what we were trying to say. so well put, @ninjacolin

@ninjacolin I love the ice cream connection

@trapped ” I am one of the topics of the gossip, I know for a fact they talk of how miserable I look, how I’m still single etc”
Really? How exactly do you know they’re saying this about you?

Wonderful answer, @ninjacolin ! This is something I struggle with all the time as well. But it really does feel great to take action and do something, instead of sitting around and thinking about these things. I think it doesn’t even matter what you do- I studied for my finals and did a bunch of baking today, and that made me feel better

@trapped, I think having a long-term goal (other than paying off your debt) would really help you. You should think about what you really want to do, achievement- wise, and how to get there. What are your interests, outside of teaching? Starting to follow up on one of these with a goal in mind will give you something to try for and something to think about. Maybe you want to consider starting an advanced degree so you can change fields or find a better teaching job. Or maybe you’ll want to start your own business during the time you’re not at work, which will help you get out of debt and can be a way to meet people. It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you think of a goal with no tangible finish line, like rejoining the human race, but focusing on something positive and concrete could really help.

@le inferno.. many people have come to me to tell me the latest gossip they heard about me,
@ninjacolin I think you gave a great answer, it will be hard to get motivated but I will try to create better memories..

i’m sure someone already suggested this but maybe try an NA meeting or AA meeting… I wouldn’t personally do that, but I know it works for some. Sometimes you just need something to believe in to be able to believe in yourself. Find something you love – reading, being outside, art, anything that you may have a small interest in, and find others that have a similar interest. Someone on Fluther recently suggested to use the site www.meetup.com to join a group with others near you and they said it’s a great place to meet people. Hang in there girl, keep your head up and just look forward.

Here is what I would do:

1. Find a counselor who I feel can help me get better, no use sticking with one who isn’t.
2. Look around for a different job, one that I at least don’t hate.
3. Talk to creditors, they will be patient if they know I am trying.
4. Find a sport or something that interests me and get good at it, work at it.
5. Volunteer my services somewhere, pet rescue, old folks home, soup kitchen, someplace that makes me feel good about what I am doing.

This is what has worked for me in the past and you sound like you really want to try to get out of your funk, so I am sure you will, one day at a time or one minute at a time if need be.

Who told you that you were a piece of worthless crap, and what made you believe them?

People who tell you what others say about you are not doing you a favor or protecting you. They are sharing pain and getting something out of it. Put those people to the side. You may feel worthless, but it doesn’t mean that you have to accept people that are giving you pain to hold onto.

You are precious. You have rights. You have needs that aren’t being met. Write down a list of what you want. Go for it- if you want a house then write it down. If you want a unicorn that poops rainbows- write it down. How are you supposed to know where to turn on the road if you don’t know where you want to go?

Find a new therapist. If you like to get things done and not talk too much about feelings- then go for CBT. If you need to talk about feelings and where they come from take DBT. If you have trouble finding words for any of it- try Creative Therapy (uses doodles, sand tray play and modeling clay to stand in for words).

Well ninja gave some more good advice…worded quite uniquely happyifing memories:) but good..and it reminded me of an oldie but a goodie. And that is that “you can act yourself into good thinking but you can’t think yourself into good acting”...Move a muscle, change a thought. It’s like thinking about a good workout program. It will do nothing for you until you get out the dor and go down to the gym. Life is found when your knees are knocking and leap when there does not appear to be a net. The net will appear, the body will get in line with your intentions and your attitude will dramatically improve as you realize you’re doing it. This is probably very hard and maybe the last thing you expected and probably straining every muscle in your neck but it’s right.

And another thing is that you’re very brave to put this out there. Now comes the leap of faith. And that is imagining that all this good advice could actually have merit. It’s easy to be cynical, jaded, bitter and despondent. It takes courage to be happy.