How to get people to accept an age gap?

Welcome back, @seekingwolf. I’ve missed you. I was thinking of you on Sunday especially, when I updated the progress thread.

Three questions first, if you please:

How old are your parents?
Do you have siblings?
And have you ever had a boyfriend whose age was close to yours?

That’s just to help orient me to thinking about your situation.

Yeah it’s good to be back :D And I’m still losing weight!

My parents are in their mid 50s.

I have 2 younger siblings. They have autism and are very accepting, really.

I’ve had a few boyfriends who were my age in the past, yes. My last boyfriend was 15 years my senior, my first age gal relationship. It was a good relationship but in the end, we just weren’t going to work out. It happens. We are still on good terms though.

By the way, I feel it’s important to mention that I have a good relationship with my parents.
They treat me as an equal and we respect each other. My father and I are especially close and we are best friends in many ways. I go to them for many of my problems.

I think it’s my good relationship with my father that has led me to have healthy relationships with older men.

Can he take care of you financially – and is this important to you? Not to be too cynical, but it’s almost the year 2010 – if you are going to have a relationship with someone your parents’ age – while you are very, very young (IMHO) – you might as well “benefit” from it financially.

You did ask for our opinion, right?

haha…yes, he can take care of me financially. It’s not important to me, but he can.
I’m working towards a good career and I’m from a well-off family so I am not concerned with it.

He’s not super rich, but he lives quite comfortably.
But that’s not the reason why I am with him. :)

“He’s not my “half” but rather we are both WHOLE people with good lives, and we just better the other. It’s a good feeling.”

This is what you should tell your parents! That’s a great way to be in a relationship, and it shows that you’re holding your own even though your boyfriend is a lot older. Your parents will still probably feel uncomfortable about it, but it sounds like you can show them that you are in a healthy relationship and aren’t being taken advantage of in any way. Telling your parents that you like all the same things probably won’t work in your favor, because most parents would ask why a fifty year old man likes the same things as a twenty year old girl. Just reassure them that you’re being careful and you’re happy.

I dated someone like this when I was 20, two years ago. We spent a really great couple months together, and I think both of us realized it was one of those great quirky experiences that doesn’t last. We really connected because we had the same values, even if we weren’t interested in all the same things. Eventually my attraction for him started to fade, even though we remained very mentally compatible. I started to realize that, even as an older person, he had a lot of flaws, and it made me uncomfortable that I might reach that age and still be just as uncertain as I am now. Before that, I tended to think someone my parents’ age should have their shit together, and in a way be better than me. I think that… older and younger people can have complicated motives for dating each other, and sometimes we don’t realize what our own motives are.

Anyway, I’m glad that your parents are great. They sound like the type to be supportive.

>my first age gal relationship

Did you mean “age gap” there? That would make sense.

In your place I think I would talk to whichever parent I felt would be more accepting (or both at once, if they prefer things that way) and just say, “I really want you both to meet Jedediah. I am very comfortable with him, and our relationship means a lot to me. You will notice the age difference right away, but I hope you will defer judgment long enough to get to know him. I hope you’ll agree that it’s much less important than a lot of other things, such as our compatibility, his kindness, and my happiness.”

In the end it’s up to you, not them, but of course you don’t want this issue to divide you. If you feel that you are getting serious, it would be good to bring it up early and let them get used to the idea. They would not be the first parents to suppress a kneejerk objection for the sake of their child’s happiness.

How did they handle your last relationship, with the 15-year gap?

Oh yeah. Saying that your good relationship with your father has led you to have healthy relationships with older men – some parents might be squicked by that. Because you are having a healthy, sexual relationship with an older man, and that kind of compares your dad to your boyfriend. Because they are both older men who are in healthy relationships with you. :3

@Haleth

Thank you for your advice. Yes, I really do feel that way about this relationship. I will have to tell my parents that. The whole “what does a 50 year old have in common with you?” is a line I get often from my friend. Well, it’s not my fault I like oldies stations! Haha. Good stuff.

Good point about the father thing. However, my father already knows that I like to date older men BECAUSE of my good relationship with him. I know that sounds weird, but my father already knows it. We’ve discussed it at length. It’s very complicated. But we are both at peace with it.

@Jeruba

Yes, I meant “age gap”. I’m sorry, that was a typo.
You mention some good things to bring up too.
I am thinking I will write my parents a letter soon and just pour my heart and soul onto it. And then politely ask them to call me in a couple days after they read it so they can have the initial reaction (and I will not have to be there to see it). Once they are calm and open, then I will talk to them about it. I think once they meet him, they’ll like him. He’s a very stable, likable guy. He works in the same field as my father does so maybe they’ll hit it off? I don’t know, we’ll see. I just want them to see that he’s a good man and hopefully, they’ll like him.

As for getting other people to accept it—you can’t really get them to do anything. I think your best bet with friends is just to introduce them to your guy and let them govern their own reactions. Don’t try to prepare them or pave the way—just be natural about it, as much as if you were introducing them to a boyfriend of another nationality or race or culture or anything else they might consider unexpected. It’s better not to explain and sound like you’re anticipating disapproval. If they’re your friends, you have nothing to worry about. If they do not accept your relationship with this man, that tells you something worth knowing.

Hmm…yeah that might be good too.
I would say about only half of my friends were fine with me dating the 35 year old, so I have my doubts about them accepting my new man. We’ll have to see how it goes.

It’s my parents that I am most concerned about. I think i’ll tell them first and then my friends.

It might be better to approach this by telling Mom and Dad about this great new person in your life, and how happy you are, and not even mention the age part. They don’t have to know right up front what your partner’s age is. Once they see how happy the two of you are, they will be more accepting.

All most parents want for their children is for them to be happy, and that is what they can see for themselves.

Hmmm yeah that may work.
I still would like to write a letter though. My mom tends to overreact more than my father and it can get nasty. After a “reaction” though, she’s usually fine with anything. I just don’t want to be around for the first part.

I find it very disconcerting that you are establishing a pattern of dating men significantly older than you. I tend to be very nonjudgmental of nontraditional relationships, but because of the power dynamics between men and women in our society this makes me feel very worried about you.

You speak eloquently and confidently about your feelings for this man, and I am not trying to question those. But when you make a habit of dating people who all fit a particular “type”, it starts to look like what you are seeking is that common characteristic, and not seeking out specific individuals.

I do not mean to judge you, only to ask you to proceed with extreme caution. If you have any nagging feelings that something is not right here, please listen to them.

@nikipedia

I understand your concern and it’s okay. Really it is.
Honestly, it’s a personal preference of mine. That’s all I can say. There is an added dynamic in an age gap relationship that I find very comfortable. I am attracted to it and I seek it. I like being in these relationship. Some people like blondes, others like brainy people, some may enjoy kinky girls, and well, I like older men. It’s just me.

Call me crazy, but I have trouble being attracted to men my own age. I feel like I can’t relate and even getting close with them feels weird. Trust me, I’ve tried in years past. There are traits in older men that I find very desirable.

I’ve met many, many older men as potential partners but, of course, I turn down many of them because we don’t have things in common or they try to jerk me around because I’m the younger party. I’m not okay with that. One of the reasons I broke up with my last boyfriend is because he was insecure and was started to be condescending. I won’t stand for any of that nonsense. A relationship isn’t supposed to be a power play.

I understand your concern and I thank you for being concerned. I will, as always, listen to my gut. I know what it’s like to be taken advantage of and now I have a good sense of when that may happen. You can be sure that I will be very careful.

@seekingwolf haha, I just have to tell you my story: I met and fell in love with my husvband of 35 years at a club meeting. He was 24 and I 32, with a 12 year old son. We moved into the beach house he shared with several other people. My parents came out to visit me, and I introduced him as my boyfriend (before we married). Privately, my Mom asked about him, not did he go to college, what is his family like, or anything important. Her first words were “How old is he?” to her credit, he did have a baby face in those days.

Just enjoy your time together and feel lucky you’ve found someone, anyone, you feel you can really connect with, regardless of age. Your parents sound great, so I would imagine they’d come around eventually once they realize that you and your new bf genuinely care for each other and treat each other well. As for society at large, fuck ‘em.

Personally I prefer the older man too. Always have and yes, I have dated people my own age and just never felt the same connection. I am currently in a relationship where my partner is significantly older than me (although the gap is a little smaller than yours but not by much!) and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. That is all that matters to me and so other peoples opinions don’t matter. My mother has also always preferred older men and all three of her serious relationships (including her marriage to my father who she was married to for nearly 20 years, a man that she was with for seven years before remarrying my step father who she has been with for 3 years) were with men older than her so she has never worried about my attraction to older men. My father is also happy with it providing I am happy. I am very grateful for that.

You can’t really make anyone accept a person or an unconventional relationship in their eyes. But, you can let go an be happy, and show that you’re happy to others. If you and the beau work out, then you’ve got an “I told you so.” If you don’t, then you can still set an example that you were in a healthy relationship while it lasted.

You seem like a secure, mature, well grounded young lady. It sounds like you’re very open with your dad. You’ve gotten good advice here; I don’t have much to add. Enjoy the relationship, be patient with those who are judgmental, and be open with your parents. Good luck!!

If you were my daughter I would be very skeptical of your relationship. @Jeruba asked questions that popped into my head initially with her first post, but the other question I have is: Does he frequently date much younger women? I would be nervous that he likes 20 year olds, and when you are 35 he will still like 20 year olds, because 20 is VERY young. 20 year olds look much different than 35 and up generally. I know you say it is more than just a physical thing, but most 20 year olds also mentally are very different than people who are older, and I would fear you might grow out of him, if he is still attracted to someone so young, that you will quickly mature and grow away from him. But, I cannot know these things without knowing the two of you, so obviously what I say here might not apply to you and your relationship at all.

Having said all of that somewhat negative stuff above, I would not ostracize my daughter. I would get to know him, and you both as a couple, and if you seemed happy and it appeared he truly loved you I would accept it.

I was in a relationship with a 17 year difference in age. Lasted 2 years. Over that time I have written about how I felt and what went on.
I hope it helps.

FIRST MET HER
I am 43m and she is 26f. I have been around the block a few times. “Fell in love” on more then a few occasions, been married, and so has she. But, I have never experienced the deep deep love that I feel for this woman. We met and it was like a bolt of lightning. She feels the same, sort of like whatever we have done, in our lives, something was missing, and what was missing was each other. The epitome of soul mates. The 17 year gap is more then usual, and I know family might/will resist. But it is really not an age issue to us and we cant deny our feelings. Is this crazy talk?

INTO YEAR ONE
Unless you are both total home bodies with money to burn and no where to go. Being on the Older side of the couple. Wisdom is nice, but if you love your younger partner you have to let them grow also. Like you did. And, that ends up as two ships passing in the night. As much as you want to hold on to him/her you are the mature one. Hey, it might work…. But you are wasting your time. And, robbing them of a fruitful life. I am talking about a 10 year or older spread. It might be possible. Playing the lottery are you? Life is too short, and if/when it folds. You are looking at the light at the end of the tunnel and they are just getting started with life. For the older it is a one shot deal. For the younger they have plenty of time. Hey, love is beautiful. We all know that. But someone will get short changed. Your life is not for gambling. You are the most important person in the world. Don’t sell yourself or your life short. Or you the older will find yourself alone in the later years.

IN THE END
When you build on a relationship. Buy a home, bring their children to live with you. When you have such an un dying love for one another. And she (in this case) After 2 years. 180’s on you literally over night. Which is to be expected with a young person and you can’t blaime them. Always a new experience at every cross road, and still learning about life. You take a greater risk, being the wiser one. As two people at the same age or near it, explore “new” experience together. Or understand the “responsibility” of what it takes to have a relationship. That even playing field. More power to you if it works. That goes for any age… But Sorry if you do not like to hear it. You as the older in the relationship is going to take a greater risk with a much younger individual. You have been there done that. They are still experiencing it and life. You have (hopefully) learned some of the pitfalls of love. Younger people, especially in their 20’s, perception on what love and life is, can change at the drop of the hat. I am not trying to be negative. But there is another side to it. Hey, if and when it happens again. Age will never be an issue, that crazy thing called love Love knows no boundary or age. But there are risks. Along with the common ones. The drastic age spread just adds to the equation. God bless all of you that is in a good relationship. I mean that. They come no matter what the age is. But I still stick by what I said.

@JLeslie I think the saying “only time will tell” is relevant in any relationship but especially in a relationship where there is an age gap. My partner had never been with someone much younger than him before he met me but I know some men that use younger women as a status symbol more than anything else and are quick to move onto the next when he is bored with the current!

@Leanne1986 Yes, I agree, time will tell, but I think someone so young, 20, has little perspective on life in general. There was a fluther question asking when did you feel like you became an adult, and almost everyone seemed to answer in their 30’s.

The OP mentioned she was infertile, so maybe being with someone older not interested in having children is a relief. Also, since her younger siblings are autistic I wonder if she had to grow up fast, which possibly means she is a very mature 20 year old, or maybe her parents attention was very focused on the siblings and she seeks attention from older fatherlike figures. All sorts of possibilities for being attracted to someone much older. Or, maybe, they just hit it off and they will be together until death do they part.

I wanted to follow up by saying that even if what I hypothesize above about why @seekingwolf might be attracted to older men is true, I am not saying it is dysfunctional, just merely an explanation possibly, something to be aware of.

Just yesterday some people on fluther were talking about a fluther couple that has an age gap (smaller than your age gap) in a discrediting fashion (in fact it was mentioned that since the husband was 45 years old and she 19, then he was with a ‘child’)...this is the usual opinion and perhaps a little caution is warranted…however you express yourself well and it seems to me that if neither of you have a problem with this relationship, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness…I can see your parents having an issue with it but you can’t live your life for them…you just can not…

Hmm this is interesting.

Well as for the dating past of the guy, he’s been in age gap before but it was smaller (like 17 years) and it didn’t last long. He said they didn’t really have anything in common. Of course, now it’s different. He’s dated women his age and some younger but they were no more than 10 years younger but that’s it for the most part.He hasn’t dated someone my age before.

I’ve had a lot of things happen in my life that made me “grow up fast” so to speak. I don’t have any regrets though. Sure, I’ve had my rough patches but my personality hasn’t changed much in the past 10 years aside from some maturing but that’s it. I got lots of attention from my father in particular. I have no need to be seeking “attention” here, it’s just a preference.
Finding someone who doesn’t want children is a real blessing me. I really am infertile and that’s not going to change and I don’t want him to “change him mind.”

I know it doesn’t mean a lot but if you really knew me and what I look like, you’d see that I am not like most 20 year olds. I dress conservatively, I don’t party, I don’t go out often, and I study like mad. I look more like I am in my mid 20s. My hair is along and I don’t wear makeup. Most of my thoughts are thinking about classes, studying, what I’m going to eat (health wise), and what I’m reading/the news/inner thoughts/hobbies. This is the way I am. If my boyfriend is looking for a nice little piece of young ass, then he’s picked the wrong girl. I’m of very average looks but I have much depth inside. That is what he sees and I see the same in him.

I understand what will happen in the future. I am not worried about that right now. I just want to enjoy my time with him. I know a lot of elderly folks through my work in hospice and yes, it’s hard…VERY hard. I can’t stress that enough. I know what I may be getting myself into and I’m okay with that. I don’t buy into this whole “throwing my youth away”. I love my time spent with him and if it means someday that I’ll have to be changing his colostomy bag and feeding him, well, so be it. I will cross that bridge when I get there.

I hope this has clarified things. Again, I understand your concerns.

@seekingwolf I didn’t mean to imply that you were some party girl. Just this past weekend my girlfriends and I were saying how when we see college age girls it doesn’t matter how pretty they are, they are pretty, because they are young, something that is difficult to understand when you are young. I did not understand when I was younger. I never drank or smoked or toked, I did not dress slutty, or any of those things, but when I look at my younger self, I realize I did not know what I had when I had it.

I am not trying to talk you out of dating your current boyfriend, I wish only the best for you. You seem to be quite aware of yourself and know some of the pitfalls of an older SO. I think the people around you, family and friends, will come to accept your relationship over time. Although, the one thing not mentioned yet is it might feel odd for him to be around a group of your friends if they are all your age. But, my guess is your friends are probably a mix of different age groups and it might be a non-issue.

No one can predict the future of relationships. They are all different, and you may think it’s going to be forever, and then the problems happen, and you either deal with them successfully, or you part ways. It will be easier for you to part ways because there will be no children, and you may not even have common property (should you get married). Every relationship teaches you something. I don’t think I would worry about your ability to cope with anything bad that should happen. Unless you are less resilient than you present yourself as.

But this doesn’t seem to be what your question is about. You want to get your parents to accept this relationship, and you want to do it with the least amount of distress to yourself. I think you’ve gotten some good ideas about different strategies to take.

What worries me is that you seem to think that your parents will accept it after some initially bad reactions, so you are trying to minimize that initial shock and dismay. If it’ only an initial problem, then what’s the big deal? You take your medicine and then it’s gone, and everyone is happy again. A shot hurts, and there’s really no way around it. Unless you get anesthesia or something.

So this makes me wonder if you are worried about a more long term disapproval. Or if you are subconsciously worried about it yourself. There’s more here, I suspect, than meets the eye. You might not even be consciously aware of what is bothering you. So, I would urge you just to pay attention to your feelings in various situations, and see if there’s something that seems to create more anxiety than other situations.

As to your parents, if everything is as you say, then I don’t think it really matters how you do it. I think you should do it in person. If you do it via email, that could seem like you are ashamed of it. At the very least, I would do it over the phone.

You’ll get your initial reaction, whatever it is, and then your parents will have time to calm down, and you’ll all move on. I think it might be uncomfortable for them for a while, since he is a peer, but he is the significant other of their daughter. Things will take a while to settle down, no matter how cool they are.

If you are secretly worried that they won’t accept him, and that they will constantly lobby for you to break up with him, you are in another situation. That would threaten your relationship with your parents. A lot of people face that, and a lot of people have to choose between partner and parents. As others have said, you can’t get them to accept him. You have to hope they do. It’s up to them.

I hope, for your sake, they will respect your decisions. I’d have to get to know your partner a lot better before I could understand what you saw in him, and before I could trust him. Maybe your parents are more trusting than me.

So, in the end, I say you can do nothing about this. You just have to prepare yourself for some discord with your parents, and hope it doesn’t happen. So just do it. Preferably in person or on the phone so you don’t seem ashamed of the relationship. Be ready for a period of time where you may have to rebuild trust with your parents. Or maybe an extended period of uncomfortableness. Again, hope it doesn’t go down that way. As always, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

@daloon

Thanks…

See that’s what I’m worried about…breaking trust…why would telling them about my relationship break down trust? I’m not so much worried about long term approval, but more about HURTING my relationship with my parents when I tell them initially. It’s a fear of mine. I don’t want them to be hurt.

With my last boyfriend, actually my parents didn’t know about him. I didn’t tell them. Dumb, I know. We ended up breaking up. Now, throughout my childhood, I was a very “secretive” person. But I finally realize that I am SICK of hiding. Why hide? I am doing nothing shameful. Sure, maybe it’s out of the norm, but it’s not bad. I guess I just care about my parents a lot and I don’t want them to make me a hard choice. My grandma did that to my mother and it really hurt her. I hope that they don’t do it to me.

I do want them to meet him ASAP so they can see what I see in him and see that he’s not a bad guy.

I am still thinking about writing a letter. Letters mean a lot in my family because they take time to write out and seem more heartfelt…and you can read them again and again and save them if you want to.
I really am happy and I want them to see that and accept it. that’s all.

@JLeslie
You’re correct, I have a great mix of friends. I don’t have a set “group” of friends either, it’s all one-on-one with me. I don’t think I’ve ever been part of a social “group” in that sense. It’s not a real concern with me. In the past, I’ve kept my dating life very separate from friends. I don’t do too much with my friends other than the occasional visit and phone calls.

My best friend is and always will be my father. I know he’ll be the most accepting. He already knows about my preference for older men (we’ve talked about it) and he told me “as long as you’re happy, then I am happy.” My mom dated older men in the past so we’ll see.

@seekingwolf I have been in a few age gap situations, but never over 15 years. My parents and my friends were incredibly disapproving, and I feel for you. You shouldn’t have to feel poorly about a relationship that otherwise makes you very happy.

If your parents are as accepting as you think they are, tell them in a letter. They will be able to get over their initial shock by themselves, and prepare their responses just as you prepared your letter.

Do not worry. If it’s meant to work, you’ll make it work.

@smack

Thank you smack. :) I appreciate it.
Everything I say about my parents is heartfelt and true…not sugarcoating anything. So I do hope you’re right.

They’ve let me do a LOT of things…private school, leaving the church, odd interests, travel to potentially dangerous places…so I am hopeful! :D

You know, I just thought of something else…

@JLeslie

I wanted to go back to a point you made earlier but I somehow missed. You mentioned about you and your girlfriends were saying how college girls are just..well, young. I realize that I’m only 20. I have (hopefully) a lot of life ahead me. I can never claim to understand what “life is about” because that’s foolish; I obviously don’t know. On the other ahead, I think my guy may not know either. We are still exploring spiritually…looking but never lost (if that makes sense.) The day you stop learning is the day you die, my father always tells me. It has always rung true for me.

In many regards, my boyfriend is “further along” than I am. I am okay with that. I want to learn from him and his mistakes but he can learn from me as well. I think everyone has something to learn from everyone. It reminds me of a story that my dad used to tell me about the Dalai Lama. Apparently, the Dalai Lama was set to meet with some Buddhist monks to discuss some topics. Along the way, he was quite late for his meeting because he had stopped to talk with a small girl nearby, who was holding a flower. The monks were offended and said “How could you be late for a meeting with US over a small child like her? She has nothing useful to say.” but the Dalai Lama said “No. I talked to her and I learned from her. We have something to learn from anyone, no matter how young, how small…”

I guess a big part is just accepting the differences but realizing that both parties are on the same path; they are still learning, growing, and maturing. That will never change. I’m eager for what I can learn and teach.

I’m excited for what the future has in store.

We have one couple that are friends of ours. I’m not sure what the age difference is—not as much as the one you are talking about. When the relationships started, he was clearly the one in power. He knew more and had more experience. The dynamic of the relationship was the he was the teacher and she was the student. She was in awe of everything he did.

They married, and over the years, they grew closer in terms of the percent difference in their ages. She became more experienced and knowledgeable, and there came a time when the dynamic of their relationship needed to change. He could no longer be the powerful one. They had to be equal. This caused them a lot of problems, and they needed a lot of therapy. They seem to have weathered it, but it was touch and go for a while, there.

@seekingwolf I agree with you that we can learn from people younger and older than us. Many many parents say that they learn from their children. I think your attitude is wonderful, that you look forward to the future and seemingly view life as a process, maybe even as an adventure.

I think what has been most important to me in my marriage, I have been married almost 17 years, is that we respect, encourage, and support each other, which certainly you can find no matter what the age difference. Also, we have grown together, learned things together, which I think might be different when there is a great age difference, because one of the people in the relationship has already been through a significant amount of life. I am 41, and when I think of the 20 year olds I know, no matter how impressive they are to me, which many are, you impress me, I cannot imagine having a love relationship with someone so much younger.

The point @daloon makes is what I was getting at in one of my earlier posts, that if he does not change, you probably will, you will mature away from him or change the dynamic of the relationship. All relationships go through changes, but if someone is 50 and prefers to be the teacher, or the one in more control, your growth in wisdom, knowledge, and independence might be difficult for the relationship to withstand. But, I am not a soothsayer, as @Leanne1986 said time will tell.

@daloon

Ouch, what a sticky situation. I’m glad they got through it though!
When it comes to older guys, I don’t like it when they feel like they need to be in “control” and such. Total red flag. That dynamic doesn’t exist in my relationship though. I respect him but he respects me too. He wants me to teach him ancient Greek, hehe.

@JLeslie

I understand what you’re saying, and really, it’s okay. I guess it just boils down to preference, honestly. I know that the learning process together will be different than a same age couple but I’m okay with that. We will have to see what happens. From what I’ve seen, we both seem to “share” the reins. I teach him things, and he teaches me things. I am optimistic but as you have said, time will tell. We shall see.

The older individual wants to have that younger part of their life again. Why not?
The younger individual feels mature and in love.

Someone will have to sacrifice. More then if there was a lesser of an age gap.
You will figure that out now or later.

Family acceptance will not change the possibility of an “I told you so” down the road.
It will just sting more when it happens.

@seekingwolf Many many relationships have something, if it is not an age gap it might be different relgions, or different races, or different socio-economic status, or one might have a disability, there are so many possibilities for friends and family to latch onto and worry that it will make a relationship harder then a seemingly perfect match in the best circumstances. In the end what matters most is what is between the two people, the rest of the chatter is just noise.

@ChazMaz

Wow, ouch. You know, just because you had a poor experience with this doesn’t mean that it can fail for everyone. I know several age gap couples (20+ years) who do fine.

As I’ve said before, if he wants to be feeling “young” again, he’s with the wrong girl. We are both non-spontaneous homebodies and we both take a lot of pride in our work. You mentioned before the whole “wasting your youth” idea. I do not know what you mean by that. The idea that youth is a period of innocence and beauty only to be spent with peers, frolicking around in a flowery field of blissful ignorance does not appeal to me.

Heaven knows, I spent most of my childhood days in the books, working, studying…I did not have much time for play. High school was the same. College is the same now. I’ve never been one party or social event here. I don’t regret having spent most of my youth indoors in the books, this is where I belong. I have seen a lot of things too early and you know, things like that change you, even at a young age. My innocence has been long lost but I am thankful. I do not live in a bubble like the rest of my peers. I am happy with how I am turning out.

@JLeslie

You’re right ><
I think I should just ignore the naysayers…I mean, what do they know about me and my life? One cannot make judgments.

Okay I am peacing out. :) Back to the library I go…

I was not being negative. My opinion comes from others experiences as well. No biggie, life is about learning.

But there are two sides to everything. You want the whole truth or just some of it?

I understand your feelings. I do. I am 45. Been there done that.
If I only knew then what I know now.
THAT is the solution to your question. So at least take into consideration the wisdom and life experience from us “older people”. And, a few that have been there.

But in the end it is your life. I really do wish you all the best and happiness life offers you. :-)

@seekingwolf About your comment to @ChazMaz from your perspective you are like an older person, a homebody and more serious than your peers at this time. But from a 50 year olds perspective you are young. I think maybe you don’t relate to many people your age? I understand this feeling. I too, like I said, did not party and was always fairly serious, and for that matter I preferred to have conversations with people who tended to be more serious and analytical. I was rather “lonely” as a young person, because I did not want to go to big bonfire wild drunken parties with my friends. But, there were other people like me who were my age. My husband also did not drink and he was always very ambitious and independent.

@ChazMaz
You’re right…there are 2 sides to everything. I’ve read your profile and it sounds like you do offer some good advice, which you present as the “truth”. That’s fine. But you must realize that what has or has not worked for you may be different for others. We all discover our own “truths” for ourselves. I am off to discover my own, whatever that may be. I’m glad your truth is working for you, but I need to find my own, thank you.

@JLeslie
I was very lonely at times, not so much now, but I used to be. I even went to a private school with TONS of people that were supposed to be like me. I fit in better there than anywhere else. But…there was a block of some sort, I just could not relate to people. There’s an idealistic quality to youth that I lost years ago, a blissful ignorance, baseless optimism, and living just for the “hell of it.” I don’t look down on them because they have it…but it makes it hard to relate and confide and to have fun with them. All I can think about is “work work work” and what I have to do. I get a lot of happiness from my studies.

I know I’m the “odd one out” of all of them. I’ve only found 1 guy that I can semi-relate to who is my age. No one else. That’s why my father is my best friend and we do everything together. Sure, I have friends…but like i said, we don’t really “go out” together and they confide in me, but not the other way around..

I have no doubt that I am considered “young” to my boyfriend. That’s unavoidable. But our similar ways and paths have put us just a little closer together and now we can relate to each other. Which is wonderful.

“That’s why my father is my best friend and we do everything together.”

Just an observation.

I hear that so often when women are dating much older men.

My ex was extremely close to her father as he was with her. Actually, they were too close.

@seekingwolf I would argue you are looking to replicate your relationship with your father in some ways, rather than the first idea I put out there that maybe you are seeking attention from a fatherlike figure. Your dad has been your happiest relationship from what I can gather. I wonder if your mom focused on your younger siblings and your dad on you, which is very common, especially considering your siblings have some difficulties. It might not have only been that your dad was there for you, but that you were there for your dad when your mom was unable to be available to him. I do not mean to turn this into some weird emotional incest thing, that is not what I am talking about, just what might have been a dynamic within your family.

What saved me during my more lonely years when I was young, was that I worked with people who were older then me. They were not much older, but they were just as square as me, and we went out and had fun, and I had no peer pressure from them to do things I did not feel like doing.

Later, in college, I luckily met friends who I really hit it off with, even though they did drink quite a bit, they had brains in their heads and were interested in more than just beer bongs.

Since you say you study quite a bit I assume you are in college, do you live on campus, or at home?

@chazmaz – that’s ridiculous…so when a woman has a good relationship with her father that somehow explains her relationship with older men? what about all the times when people say that if a woman doesn’t have a good relationship with her father, she must be looking for him in her older boyfriend/husband? seems like one can not win this game…the biggest gap I ever had was 14 years…but I know for a fact there are couples out there with an age gap over 20 years that have worked out, raised children…one of those children is my best friend…

“I know for a fact there are couples out there with an age gap over 20 years that have worked out, raised children”

Me too.

But not as ridiculous as you might think. It is what it is.

Do not get confused between a good relationship with a father and an unhealthy one.

Besides, who am I to question if a woman wants to date/marry her “father” including the physical age difference.

Just sharing my insight.

@JLeslie You hit the nail on the head, honestly.
This is a dynamic that is present in my family. My mother isn’t aware of it but my father and I are. We took care of each other when my mom was MIA with the sibs. It was hard. But I got through it.

I have a wonderful relationship with my father and I enjoy the dynamics very much. He is fatherly but we have deep conversations as equals. I teach him things that I read and he teaches me things. I am a neuro major learning about a LOT of new science and he enjoys it when I teach him some. I know that in a way, I replicate that with my relationships. My boyfriend is aware of my relationship with my father and he says he’s glad it was so good for me and he’s happy. My father knows I date older men, partly because of our good relationship and thus I am so used to people his age. It’s all out in the open among the 3 of us.

I know that sounds totally strange, but it’s true. I have no problem with it. They don’t either. Everyone is happy. that’s what matters…:)

I mean, it was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had…I don’t want to find a CARBON copy of my father, but someone who has his traits, who I can have a good, loving relationship with.

So far, it’s working…

Oh I forgot to say..I’m at college, in the dorm. Not living at home…

@seekingwolf I understand, I think the ideal trick would have been to find a man closer to your age who possesses the qualities of your father, who sounds like he is a wonderful man. They do exist these men, but at your age it is masked by beer lol. I do think once you get into the workforce you will meet more people you can relate to. I don’t mean that you will want to leave your relationship because of the new people you meet, I just mean the people you seek will be more plentiful in a few years.

@JLeslie

No, not my age. I’m sorry, but I am done with that.
I have dated a guy my age who was a lot like my father but it just…didn’t work.
The dynamic that I wanted wasn’t there…and I didn’t feel attracted. The experience that I want my partner to have in a relationship is one that would only come with age.

I’m sorry, but that’s long over for me. Done and done. I’ve been asked out at college by many “handsome” guys who do nothing but study but I just…no. There’s no attraction whatsoever.

I am not saying that I’ll stay with this guy for forever or whatnot, that’s silly to assume. But I will tell you, I am done dating men my own age due to a lack of that dynamic that I seek.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is the sort of relationship that I am happy with and I will seek out. I’m done with the days of forcing myself to date guys that I “should” like, trying to convince people I’m normal. It doesn’t work anymore. It’s done.

@ChazMaz I do not confuse that
it doesn’t sound like she has an unhealthy relationship with her father

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Not ridiclous. During adolescence it is normal for children to distance themselves somewhat from their parents, when this does not occur for various reasons it can result in a relationship that might be said to be “too close” to ones parent. It is also common for children to be substitute spouses, not that there is physical incest or anything like that, but when a spouse is unavailable sometimes a child, many times an older child steps in and becomes the person who fills in emotionally for the absent spouse. To a certain extent it is normal, because of course it is normal to spend time with family, but sometimes it is to an extreme and starts to fall outside of what is normal.

I am not saying seekingwolf is abnormal, she sounds well adjusted and very aware of her situation, just saying that this does happen in some families, not ridiculous.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – Something neither of us will ever know. :-)

No matter what she says. It is more complicated than what can be jotted down here on Fluther.

That is why we toss it on the wall and hope that something good sticks to it.

Boy this question has really gotten long…><

@seekingwolf Sure, I understand you completely. I guess what I mean is when you are 25 and meeting 30 year olds you might find what you are really looking for. But if you have someone right now who makes you very happy, obviously you can’t wait until you are older in the hopes that JLeslie was right about it.

All good stuff. :-)

@seekingwolf LOL!! We are all psychoanalyzing you and what not. :). I really wish you all the best.

@JLeslie – GA to you!

Yeah I feel like I’m under a microscrope…hahaha

well whatever happens, I hope I find someone who doesn’t have and doesn’t want kids. that’s imperative to me :D

Tell your parents everything you just told us, you explained your feelings for him very well and that should be enough for anyone to understand.

@seekingwolf About having children…living in big cities you will find more people who are not all obsessed with the family thing. I have a friend who was married living in Ohio and she divorced and moved to NYC. She said she felt so much more at home not being around all of those families and where all the women are so domestic (her words not mine). I don’t have children, and my husband and I have always done better in communities that tend to be older, so couples have their children either already grown up or never had children. When you don’t have kids it is like being single, even if you are married. If that makes sense.

Yeah that’s what I’ve heard…we’ll see.
I’m just not a city girl. I grew up in the country and I love it. someday I hope to live in the country and commute to work when I’m older. There’s just too much going on in a city for me to like living there. but I’m glad you like it :)

I lived in the suburbs of Boca Raton, FL and now I am in TN on 3 acres, not in the city. But, we chose to live in communities not overrun by children.

nothing wrong w/2 consenting adults.

@JLeslie I meant it is ridiculous to imply that when one has a good relationship with her father that that is the reason for one’s attraction to older partners

in my opinion you cant get people to accept it , they either do or they don’t…present them with the facts let them make their own decisoins….basically do what makes you happy and let the chips fall where they may…

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Chaz said “too close” meaning it seemed closer than the norm.

I read about half of the answers, so sorry if I repeat something said earlier.

First of all, welcome back, and good to hear you’re still losing weight (I wish I were too).

Secondly, as far as the age gap is concerned: I don’t see a problem with you dating a 35-y-old (like your last bf), especially if you’re quite mature for your age, nor do I see a worrying pattern. 20–35 is not such a big difference, and you don’t sound much like 20, so no big deal. But 50? The guy is of a different generation, and is in fact as old as your dad. I find it hard to see a balance in such a relationship. I’m not talking about long-term (you guys might break up for a variety of reasons, not necessarily age, or stay together forever, who knows?). But right now, I find it hard to believe that you see each other as equals, and are on the same level. If you do, then fine. But if he’s just a second father, then you’d eventually need a boyfriend your age. Just saying.

Thirdly, I know you have no problems talking about this openly, so could any of this be related to your weight problems? You told us you are overweight, though hopefully this is changing. Could it be that you can’t find (or don’t think you can find) someone your own age because of that, and so end up with an older guy, who is mature/desperate/smart/sincere/stupid/kinky/wonderful enough to not care? (pick the appropriate adjective)

As you see, I didn’t even bother about the parents bit. If he’s the right guy for you, then it doesn’t really matter what anyone else says, and you can just go ahead and comfront your parents. And even if they don’t like it at first (it’s a bit naive to assume that because your dad is like him they’ll just hit it off), they’ll eventually come round if they see you truly happy.

Though I might wait a little more before telling them, or generally just let them find out a bit at a time (that’s what I generally do with mine, even now).

Hi Jack

Yes I am going to wait a bit more before telling them. I am in no hurry.

I mean, I think the relationship has some dynamics of a father/daughter relationship (how can it not?) but at the same time, it’s still a relationship. I don’t see him as just a “second father” though. We enjoy our time together. Our conversations stimulate me intellectually in ways that I have not felt before. He works in the field that I am looking to go into and we can talk about it. Oh, and he knows LATIN. You have no idea how much I wanted to find a guy who knows Latin like I do. We make each other laugh and (again) we have lots in common. I know that sounds weird but it’s true. I don’t like a lot of modern music…you can probably blame it on the fact that I mostly listen to oldies stations and grew up with British sitcoms, which he loves too. Spiritually, we really are on the same level and are both very “meditative” people.

I’ve lost a lot more weight in the time that I’ve been gone from Fluther. I’m not quite at my goal yet but I’m getting there. I feel much better about my body and have had to buy new clothes…and my mom has to buy me new clothes for xmas yet again! I run everyday and avoid processed carbs and it shows. I’ve been asked out a few times already this year by guys my own age, but I turned them down. I’m definitely getting more male attention but it really hasn’t made much of a difference to me. So yeah, that’s an interesting point to bring up but I’m afraid it’s not true in my case.

I am most optimistic about my father accepting…well, not because he and my boyfriend have things in common, but because my father is just an accepting person. He’s let me do a lot of things that he doesn’t really like but he knows that I am happy doing them.

We’ll see how things go…

well I’m glad to hear that, because the original question made me more concerned about this than the reaction itself

I’ve heard of other couples with a huge age difference, mainly older man with younger woman like your case. The biggest difference for me so far was +12 and -8. The older woman did treat me like a mother sometimes, the relationship with the younger girl was ok though. Having said that, her previous boyfriend was 47 (she was 23 at the time) and she would have described it a lot like you’re describing yours: someone interesting to talk to, similar interests, etc. But in her case the problem was that the guy was very jealous and controlling, and played with her brain. He told her how to think, and made all the decisions for her. Which was great, since she had no father, so he took over that role. It’s weird that in your case you seem to have a father, and a good one at that. So I’m just going to assume that you really have found what you were looking for. It’s not just about the common interests. You can have common interests with your grandmother or someone who’s gay, but you won’t sleep with them. A relationship like yours also has a sexual aspect that you shouldn’t ignore, and it’s not just about the sex itself. It’s about intimacy, and attraction, and a balance in the interaction between you and your partner. And this was mainly my point above. As long as the guy covers your needs for intimacy, his age doesn’t really matter. Would be very different if you were the typical 20-year-old that wants to go out dancing and he just wanted to stay home and read a book.

btw I had a relationship with a girl 9 years younger than me that ended because of the age gap. Even though 9 years are not that many, we wanted different things: I was ready to get married and she wasn’t, and I wanted children when she wanted to party. In the end I felt like an older brother or something, and the sex slowed to a halt. We broke up as friends. The exact same thing happened with a couple of friends of mine who were 16 years or so apart.

In any case, I hope it works out for you, and you enjoy your time with this guy who speaks Latin and sounds so interesting (at least as far as your own interests go).

sorry this was longer than intended again…I should get back to my 77-year-old girlfriend now…

Haha thanks for the insight. Nah, the weight issue…well, isn’t really an issue. I’m getting better and I still work out. I’m now back to my Rubenesque figure that I like…I am not a jelly doughnut anymore. :)

I totally agree, it’s more than just common interests…I do feel that this new guy (we haven’t really done anything yet we are taking things more slowly) fulfills intimacy needs for me. I think we are similar in that we need our “space” on occasion…like “alone” time for thinking or working. Then we see each other. Silence is comfortable as well as talking. Watching crime shows and documentaries with him on a weekend night is my idea of fun, so is just sitting next to him reading my book while he reads his. We’re a quiet couple, me thinks.

I’ve never believed that age could make or break a relationship, it totally depends on the couple. 9 years can be a big difference to some people! When I broke up with my 35 year old boyfriend, it was for so many reasons. He was very insecure, needy, started to not be supportive, and I knew in my heart that it wasn’t going to get better and that’s not what I wanted for myself. He could have been any age, it just wasn’t going to work. I guess it just depends on the circumstances.

Thanks again :D

Nota Beta: I’d simply listen to whatever @Jeruba says. But then * sigh * I’m biased and in lurve.

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. Hope you are still together and not been torpedoed by sloped brow bobble heads that were uncomfortable with your relationship. Just remember you are living your relationship for you and not the populace. Just because you are not in a relationship with someone within 5 years your present age does not mean success cannot be had; many relationships are of close age and fail miserably. I would tell my family I met someone great, that makes me happy and mostly feel comfortable. I would not even bring up the age as if it was of no importance. If they bring it up I would say that he made me so comfortable and we messed so good I never really noticed. In the end if they want to make a stink about it, they will, but you are the one in the relationship not them.

Yes, we’re still together. :)

We’ve come across some disapproval but I’m learning to not let it bother me.

Haven’t told the ‘rents yet but I will soon. For now, we’re just enjoying our time together.

Thanks for your words, @Hypocrisy_Central :)

If you accept the age gap, others will too. There are always the skeptics, the ones whom you absolutely cannot sway regardless, but I speak from experience…if you can truly show people that age doesn’t matter then others will take that as their own opinion as well. Just know that the larger the age gap, the more issues will arise throughout the span of your relationship, be prepared to have to deal with them.