Don't you wish you could be married (or in long-term/common law relationship) but not have to live in the same house/space with your partner?

No.

Or don’t get married.

I love living with my partnet. I don’t know how I could handle life living without him, cuddling at night and all that is a wonderful feeling. The only reason to ever be in a real committed relationship is to live with that person and be a part of each other.

Yes, totally understand and feel the same way. I’m a little disabled now and I very much like staying in bed if I need to without feeling lazy. I like watching the tv i want. I like not having to make meals and I very much like that it’s easy not to drink too much alcohol. All that being said, maybe a different man???!!!

I don’t mind living with my husband. He makes more work for me but in return he entertains me and keeps me from talking to myself all the time.

OTOH, I know many people who can only stay married and in love if they don’t share space routinely. My mother’s cousin was one such – he and his long-term gf had adjoining apartments and would lock the connecting doors when they didn’t want company.

Another person, a former co-worker, lived here in our town, while her husband lived in Dallas. Once their kids were raised they had nothing in common but they don’t believe in divorce. She stayed here where her friends were, and he went to Dallas where most of his business was. His doctors were all still down here, so he would fly down for appointments and stay a day or two. It was easier for the adult kids to get to Dallas on direct flights, so she would fly up there for holidays.

I feel the same way. That is one thing I worry about when I think about marriage. I love having my own space, and sometimes I get annoyed if people (such as my boyfriend) are in my apartment for too long when I want to have some alone time. I don’t think that just because a couple is married that they have to be around each other all the time…I think the idea of a shared duplex is great! Although when it comes down to it, I will probably settle for separate “me-time” rooms. It’s different for everyone…some couples may benefit from being around each other and in each others space constantly, but I think many couples would be better off if they weren’t around each other so much. I don’t think that it shows a lack of commitment or that the person shouldn’t get married, as @ChazMaz said…I think it’s very wrong to put people in a box like that. If your marriage will thrive if you each have your own space to go to, then I say go for it. It’s better than pissing each other off and ultimately getting a divorce.

No, actually I don’t wish that at all.

I wonder if it’s more of a woman thing?

I think it sounds great, but I like a lot more alone time than the guys in my house do. Probably having my own room for me to have all my stuff and be able to go in and shut the door would do the trick.

it would look like a library with book lined walls and a soft, comfy couch and beautiful paintings and photographs and a plush earth-toned patterned rug filling the middle of the room

Doesn’t sound like much of a marriage to me. Saying, “I love you; I want to spend my life with you, but I don’t want to live with you,” is…‘idiotic’ is the only word that comes to mind.

I absolutely agree. I need a lot of alone time. I get very stressed out having people around constantly, especially people who need a lot of attention. My boyfriend lives about an hour away and he gets frustrated that we don’t spend more time together, but it is kind of ideal for me on a lot of levels. I just function so much better without constantly having to accommodate someone else’s schedule, feelings, taste, etc.

If you are married to “the one” than they give you space when you need it… no need for the extreme of living apart… why even get married then?

@NaturalMineralWater “accommodate[ing] someone else’s schedule, feelings, taste, etc.” is what being in a relationship, especially a marriage, is about.

This whole notion is like a part-time relationship. You live alone but you have someone you can bone when you feel like it, but don’t have to be bothered with at other times.

We’ve been married for 42 years. I can’t imagine not living with him. He’s my other half. He’s what I’m all about. We’re a couple in every way. Always have been…always will be. Living apart would never be an option to us.

I would not want what you describe, I love being with my husband, but I can understand the idea. My husband sometimes talks about having separate bedrooms (which by the way many older couples sleep separately) because he is annoyed when I get into bed a couple of hours after he has already gone to sleep or when I wake him in the middle of the night. But for now, I want him right there next to me.

We did live apart quite a bit during our first 5 years of marriage, because he travelled a tremendous amount for business and lived for 9 months in a different country at one time. Honestly distance makes you accustomed to being apart, it does not make the heart grow fonder. But, I guess you are talking about having your own apartment in the same building or maybe houses near each other, which is not the same as living in different countries, but it sounds exhausting to have to get up and go to a different residence to go home at night. Isn’t that why most of us get married to begin with? We get tired of driving home, or it is more practical to have one residence, or we just simply want to be with the one we love all of the time.

I understand, but I only really half agree. If I was married, I don’t think I’d want to live in a separate house from my wife, but I’d totally be down for setting down “This is your space, this is my space”. Especially since I have poor taste in music while I work. Poor, loud taste in music.

Why judge? If this is what works for other people I don’t see how it makes that relationship any less legitimate than yours.

@faye I think the big difference between men and women is for men typically their wife is their only really close friend. The only person they really confide in and can share insecurities with. Women have contact and conversation with many more people. Also, if you were a wife and mother generally I find women by the time they are 50 have felt like the slave of the family and want to be left alone to some extent. Want to have their way, want to have more power over their lives. It is a generalization, but I think it is many times true.

@Facade Isn’t that what most people do nowadays? LOL. Everyone wants to bone.. no one wants to care about the other person… sad sad times…

@nikipedia Because it screams illegitimacy to me

I don’t think I’d like that at all (and I’m also an Aquarian – although I must admit I have no idea what that means in terms of this question!!). I have no trouble at all sharing personal space, and I think spending time together is one of the nicest things about being in a relationship. I wouldn’t want to spend ALL the time with my s/o, but I have a job so that wouldn’t be possible anyway! Having someone to eat all my meals with and watch TV with and snuggle with at night and wake up next to in the morning? That sounds great to me. It’d only get smothering if we were both unemployed!

I totally agree with you, and I think living in a duplex would be a perfect arrangement. I’m a very private person and I love to have my own space and time to myself. I want to decorate the whole space however I want- bright colored walls with grouped clusters of framed pictures, wood and metal furniture with a distressed, vintage look, and earthy handmade pottery everywhere- and I think most spouses wouldn’t go along with a whole house all in that aesthetic. I also love spending a night in and crafting, baking, or reading all by myself sometimes. I’d love to someday marry someone who had the same need for privacy. I wouldn’t mind it, I’d think it was really special for us to start letting each other into our respective worlds. (Or duplexes.) And it’s great to be able to choose to spend time together, instead of sometimes feeling like you’re stuck together. This means that every time you were together, you would want to be there, which would be a great luxury. Private people still love spending time with others, but alone time can kind of recharge your batteries.

I’m reminded of Katharine Hepburn’s comment: “I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”

I’m not sure I agree with the sentiment, but the question reminded me of it. I think part of the reason for relationships is to learn how to give and take without compromising your self and your integrity, and part of an intimate relationship, IMO, is living with that person and learning how to live with each other. Granted, there are outliers, but I think people evolved to mostly clump together, as it were.

@Facade: So don’t do it yourself. Other people have other needs.

@nikipedia Don’t worry; I won’t =)

I think I might like such a system, especially if I my life was not of concern to her on the days she didn’t see me.

No, I don’t wish for it. Right now I see someone exclusively but we don’t live together and it’s very odd to me. I actually enjoy the things shared by cohabitation such as cooking together, entertaining friends together, soothing each other after a day of work, sleeping and waking together, troubleshooting and problem solving together.

I can see how it’d be ideal for many couples. Frankly, I’d like it as well..but it’d be weird since we have children. I also enjoy sleeping in the same bed as my husband, but I think at least two nights a week to myself would be nice. My husband is already gone upwards of 70 hours a week, but those hours are usually spent with me being lonely…so it’s probably weird that I would find the situation ideal. Probably because it’d be set up that way, and no expectations…if that makes sense.

No way. I always miss her when we are away from each other. I love climbing in bed when she’s sleeping. I love to feel her warmth. I love hearing her fiddling about in her office.

Now I miss her. Going to text her right now.

No I don’t feel that way at all. If I wanted to pull my hair out after being in the same house as my fiancé for too long, I would think twice about whether we should be getting married or not. I love having someone here with me. We get our personal alone time every so often but to actually live in different houses would be very strange. And costly.

No I wouldn’t want that – he enriches my life and we both have our own lives and our family life…if either of us needs space, we ask for it – if I want to be on the lap top and to watch tv, he gets his own lap top or plays on his guitar or whatever…if he needs time to run or I need time for yoga, we work it out – it is very important to us to respect each other’s time and need for space…we have 2 young children which I think would make it difficult to live apart – I wouldn’t always want to be the one to watch them at night and I wouldnt’ want to move them to his place so that he can watch them at night – this would complicate matters…I also believe that if there are habits of your partner that you detest, you should voice that opinion and they will, if they love you, stop throwing the socks around or what have you…

He leaves nasty water in the dishes, his socks in tight little balls of crusty-nastiness in the hamper and hates turning on the heat.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

On the converse, I leave half-empty bottles of soda everywhere, kicked-off shoes and dishes on the counter. It’s all about finding someone who gets you and knows when to let you be you, when to back off and when to hold you after a long horrid day.

Emma and Ken Tanaka, anyone?

Sometimes I do. The duplex would be the perfect setup for that, but I think it would be difficult for a family with children. I realistically know that I would never do this, though.

Every now and then I feel disappointed that I will never live alone again (any scenario of that happening at this point is not one I want) because I truly enjoyed it. I love my alone time. I get a couple of hours here and there, but I have not been completely alone for any long stretch of time in years and it is truly one of the things in life I enjoy the most.

I value alone time, but I wouldn’t want to actually live in a separate house than my spouse. There are too many things that I feel I would be missing out on if I lived apart from them. One of my favorite things to do is actually just watch my partner when they aren’t even engaged with me. I don’t know why, I just like to watch them do their thing, whatever it happens to be at the time. I also like cuddling too much.

I don’t look down on people who this would work for, at all, I just couldn’t ever do it.

No, that would not work for me. I enjoy being with him all the time his is home. What works for us is having enough respect for each other to work out our own needs. Even when we were in very tight quarters, we had the freedom to do our ‘own’ thing without being interrupted.

Of course, I have lived in shared quarters most of my life, including a commune when I was in my 20’s and having my son’s friends live with us at various times. I took in foster children and participated in a student exchange program. ‘Privacy’ is not very important to me.

As I was just hauling groceries thru the snow to my car whose trunk lid wouldn’t stay up and whose 3 other doors wouldn’t open, you can bet I was wishing for a helping husband!!!

Can you just imagine it——cleaning two or more bathrooms, two kitchens, two living rooms…..it boggles the mind. What? he cleans his own house….yeah, right.

@faye Good point, lol. Doing it some other way doesn’t portray a partnership.

@YARNLADY If I was with someone who had their own entire house but expected me to clean it… well, I wouldn’t be with them.

This is just another point in favor of living apart! If you live together, it’s really easy for one person to passively let the other take care of all the household chores, because either of you could have made that mess. What entitles them to sit around doing nothing? The clean person always gets to it first because the messy person doesn’t care. I guess this works for some couples, but I couldn’t do it. Part of being in love with someone is overlooking their flaws, but when it gets to the point that one person is pulling all the weight, then it’s really unfair. I’m not being completely serious here, but if your spouse is lazy about chores, it’s fair for them to wallow in their own filth. Of course, my husband or wife and I won’t have this problem. Because I’m going to be the messy one. :3

Hiring a housekeeper is much cheaper than to maintaining two separate households. In our house, I have my own sewing room, he has his own computer room, we have a separate reading room and an enclosed patio room, for as much privacy as anyone could want. We also have a huge, Tuff Shed barn in our back yard if anyone really needs to be alone.

My grandson lives with us, and he has all his needs in his own room, TV, computer, microwave, dorm fridge, and such.

It makes no sense to me to have to pay for two tax bills, two electric bills, two gas bills, two internet service providers, , two phone companies, two lawn mowers, two full sets of cookware, two blenders, two microwaves, two of every appliance, and on and on. It’s just plain crazy. That is not a marriage, that’s a visitor with privileges.

And I also thought today it would be nice to have help with the bills, but this is not basis for a relationship!

@faye Not a basis, for sure, but to avoid picking up someone’s dirty socks, come on, it just does not say “love” to me.

I wouldn’t mind the laundry and I can see when company would be great, but@yarnlady, how much love lives thru red wine, gallons of it? And he starting getting mean after drinking so it’s a lose/lose. I don’t want him in my house.

@faye So you’re not discussing a relationship like the one in the original question.

No, sorry, I have gone OT for my own little world!

Sorry...@facade....but there is nothing illegitimate about wanting your own space. True illegitimacy is not speaking your mind,subverting your desires to please someone else all the time and having to live a half-life with someone who doesn’t care or respect you….“just to keep the peace” and look legitimate. (Whatever that word means.) There is also nothing illegitimate about wanting to spend quality time apart from someone that you love, trust and care about and are married to, either, if it is something that works for you.

Obviously, some people on this board are happy with their marriages, arrangements, etc. If you like what you have, great! I think that is superb that you have found something that works for you. Society lauds that, right? But not everyone fits that norm. I think you can be married, be happy and live apart. It just is a different way of being in relationship. Society bristles at what is “different” and I don’t think it has to be that way. Someone mentioned that being married to “The One” would automatically give you exactly what you needed, anyway. I hesitate in putting that label on anyone because usually that sets up huge expectations that cannot be fulfilled. But I do see what was meant by that statement…that you can find someone who gives you what you need when you need it. Someone who is secure in themselves. I agree.

I see some of my friends, some acquaintances, however, who are miserable and are treated as just decorations at best and maids at worst in their marriages. They have forgotten what they are about, what moves them creatively and what their own dreams were. I guess I am stunned when I think of the “women’s movement” and how very little has changed. The change I do see is with young men in their 20’s, many raised by single moms, who really don’t seem to have issues with housework and pitching in and just being a bit more egalitarian.

I was just throwing up a topic for discussion as to “alternative” methods of being in relationship.

Once again, if you read what I wrote carefully…I said, “there are some fantastic men out there” and if you find someone that you really connect with on all levels, I am sure you would not want to ever be apart from him. I think that is lovely that there are people on here who feel that way.

I just enjoy my privacy, my time alone. This is probably because I have spent most of my life caretaking….everyone and everything. I’m tired. I want time to paint, write, think, and just “be” and having someone around all the time (for me…that’s only for me now) doesn’t work out.

But then, I’ve done marriage (much too young to have known what I was doing.) There are single people who haven’t had this experience. Or other people who aren’t as “boundary challenged” as I am. I grew up in a very patriarchal, traditional family and I wasn’t allowed to set boundaries——now, as a full-fledged grown-up, I am giving myself permission to live a way that nourishes my own soul. And apparently, other women are also finding this to be a viable alternative. Not an illegitimate one.

Why get married? Indeed, if what you want is your own space don’t.. I agree. Or find someone who shares your views. I suppose that I am addressing people who have married and gone the traditional route, raised kids and then find themselves wanting to have time/space to do their own thing and still be in a great relationship. Or people who find themselves at mid-life wishing there was another way to go about the business of relationships without having to do it traditionally.

It’s usually my men friends who find my proposition a bit scary. My single 45 plus male friends (after chasing every women on the planet) are now finding at mid-life that they want “a marriage”.Another friend said that he “was ready to do the marriage thing.” Meanwhile, my single/divorced/married female friends want to travel or live in France for a summer….alone. I see it over and over where at mid-life, men are ready to nest and women are ready to fly.

I didn’t mean to get everyone’s knickers in a twist. I think that we all have different needs and that some of us have found ways to make traditional relationships work and other of us are still exploring. There’s room for all of us, I think.

@DarlingRhadamanthus I think it’s sad when women get treated as decorations and maids and it is not at all acceptable, to me…yet the solution shouldn’t have to be living apart from someone you love, the solution should be changing the person you’re with…
and you’re not getting anyone’s knickers in a twist…you wanted to know if this is something we’d want and some of us said no and some of us said yes

@Simone_De_Beauvoir changing the person you are with? Do you mean swapping him/her out for someone else? Or, keeping that person and pursuading him to change?

@JLeslie I guess I meant the former

My mother’s cousin, the one I mentioned above who lives in an apartment joined by a door to his wife’s apartment, tried to whole cohabiting thing, as did she. He was married five times in the traditional way and she twice. It never worked out for either of them.

However, they have put in 20+ years together in their separate spaces. They love each other but both are very driven and ADHD and both have demanding careers. She has a bad back that acts up at times so she wants to be alone with her pain. He has odd sleeping times so sometimes he needs to be able to close all the curtains and sleep in the middle of the day. They have completely different feelings about decor and neither one wants to be a slave to the other. Sure, it would be nice if they could compromise about some things, but they don’t seem to be able to do that.

As a result, they have separate but conjoined apartments. Each decorates and cleans their own place. Each is responsible for their own place. Each takes care of the other when needed and each serves as a confidant and best friend, with an exclusive relationship. And so far, the two of them have been able to have a warm and supportive marriage, just with a bit more privacy from each other than most married couples.

While this may not be ideal for most of us, for them it works as no other arrangement has. He had children by wives one and two, who are all grown now, and she has never had an interest in having children. Technically they don’t need to be married, but they want to be.

We are all entitled to the pursuit of happiness as long as we don’t prevent others from doing the same. So who cares if married folks live together or not? It’s nobody’s business but their own.

After reading the answers I think it just simply depends on the two people, that is all that matters. If they are both happy with the arrangement then it works.

@Darwin: Your story reminds me of my aunt and her long-time boyfriend. Every other couple on that side of the family has divorced, (except for one that is very Catholic, still married, and not that happy about it).

So my aunt has never married her boyfriend. They maintain separate apartments. But they have been together for nearly 20 years and have nursed each other through cancer and are still going strong. It is probably the only functional relationship in my family. I would never for a second question their commitment to each other. This is what has always worked for them, so they never saw any need to change it.

@DarlingRhadamanthus Yes, if it works for some people, then more power to them, but that’s not what was asked. The question asks us if we wish we could live that way, and I think most of us are happy with living together.

@YarnLady…That’s correct, but like a lot of questions on Fluther that are open for discussion…the original question morphs on its own and brings up other questions. I like the fact that other people brought up other issues connected with my original question and I just addressed that.

I agree, most people on this forum who answered this question are happy living together.

I think there are other ways that would work better for me…and apparently for others (with examples shared). I also think that it is great that a lot of you are happy with a traditional model because it is working well for you.

Thanks everyone for a great discussion!

Yes….I really do.