How can you ease someone's fear of their approaching death?

you can’t. be there, talk, hold his hand. be a comfort, talk and talk with him.

@trailsillustrated said it.

In the end it’s got to be him who accepts death. All you can do is be there for him and help him live out these last few months to the best of his ability. Help him finish living his life.

There’s got to be something you can say to explain it. He’s not religious, though. It would probably help if he believed there’s something after this life. But he believes everything just stops and then you’re gone forever. He’s not too happy about that idea. And I can’t really disagree. The only thing I could come up with is, hey, you had your shot – better than no shot at all, right? So you see maybe he doesn’t have the best guy on his side for this.

Get him in a support group with other people who are about to die. These do actually exist, and they’re supposed to be somewhat helpful.

In nursing I’ve had to do clinicals in nursing homes and my residents always talk about how they want to go home, they don’t want to die, and they cry. I have found the best thing is not to talk them out of feeling the way they feel. Just listen to him and do not do the talking unless he asks you something talk in a calm soothing voice. If you say he is not religious respect his beliefs and don’t make it apart of this process. That is really all you can do for him. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Maybe he’s afraid of being forgotten, let him know he’ll always be remembered by those who cared for him. The book What Happens When We Die by Sam Parnia, M.D., PH.D explains from a scientific standpoint what happens after death through interviews with people who had near-death experiences. He uses scientific evidence to prove that there may be an afterlife. Maybe this will prove to your relative that there may be something more after death. This isn’t a religious book, by the way, it’s a doctor trying to explain some of the things people have experienced.

@global_nomad I’ve read it. It’s wonderful. I’d sure give it to a dying person.

My mother was scared of what might happen after. I truly think it kept her alive a few more years. Then she died so suddenly, she didn’t have time to push her lifeline. I often think of a lovely older man, a patient, who was told he had about 3 mos to live. He was bewidered more than anything. “What do I do now, then?”

As an atheist myself it might help to remind your friend of the way immortality really works. We live on through other people’s memory of us. Those that we have touched, whether that is through love or compassion or kindness or even fear (ever kicked a bullies ass, he’ll remember you) or a host of other ways and combination of ways, incorporate some small part of us into their shared experience we call life. Without your friend everyone that he has ever known would be a different person than they are today. Tell him thank you.

This might sound corny, but along the lines of what @75movies said, how about asking everyone who knows him to write down a memory they have of him and give them to him? It would be tangible evidence that he will live on through the memories he has created with others.

@Supacase that’s a lovely idea.

@Supacase I discussed this idea with him and he says he doesn’t care what other people think because they’re all going to die soon enough too. Did I mention he’s not the most upbeat guy in the room?

“Listen cuz, none of us make it out alive anyways”. but on a more serious note, I don’t know if there’s anyway you can ease someones anxiety about death, I think when we are young we just assume we will live to be old and if we find out we wont its hard to grasp.

If all else fails…slap him, hard. Then ell him life is short and that his is ridiculously shorter and he has two options 1) he can spend the rest of his time on Earth being an insufferable ass or 2) he can squeeze some small amount of joy out the time he does have.

Or you could pull out a Scrabble board and let him crush you. A Scrabble victory always cheers me up.

@75movies Made me laugh. Thanks.

@colliedog I suppose upbeat is hard when you know the end is near. I would think being at peace is about the best you can hope for.

You might remind him that the vast majority of us are soon forgotten after a couple of generations. I know nothing of my great-grandparents with the exception of one who lived until I was in high school. Only people who have accomplished truly amazing things are remembered longer – and they are few and far between.

@colliedog good luck to you

@Supacase True. Not sure that’s going to ease his anxiety much though.

Also, there is some media that helps. The movie Waking Life is an interesting and comforting view of things: we will, most of us, have a few minutes of brain activity left after our heart stops. Waking Life‘s take is that those few minutes are…sublime.

The philosopher Plato wrote his stuff in dialogue form, using Socrates as the primary interlocutor. Remember how Socrates died? (in real life) – he voluntarily drank poison rather than flee Athens. When his friends tried to talk him into another course of action, he refused, and argued that the soul, as something essentially alive, can never be dead. Now, I personally tend to follow the same theory that your unfortunate relative ascribes to – that we end, and that’s that. However, this dialogue of Plato’s almost had me convinced otherwise, the first time I read it. Not that I think you ought to use it to try to change his/her ideas on the possibility of life after death – it’s that Plato’s argument makes a good deal of logical sense, and is simply comforting. Here is a full, free copy of this dialogue. It’s named the Phaedo.

Finally, there is the song Don’t Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult, and Dust in the Wind by Kansas. Back when I thought I was going to die soon, I used to listen to these songs quite a lot. They helped, partly by giving a window to other peoples’ feelings about dying. And Dust in the Wind let me grieve for myself without being self-conscious about it.

In general, I would tend to say that reading and listening to other peoples’ descriptions of death is what best helps to prepare for it. Which is also why I think a group makes sense. Imagining oneself in another’s place, who has been there before, is a good way to mentally “practice” for whatever place that is, which you yourself will soon be inhabiting. Of course, death is a special case, because no one can really tell us about the experience – and it can’t rightly be called a habitation of any sort. But speaking with a group of other people near death, and taking in certain media such as those I mentioned above, can get us closer.

I don’t think you can. This is one of those things we have to figure out on our own.

There are ways that you can ease a relatives fear of death, one of those ways would be for you to be there for him as much as you can. Don’t keep reminding him that he is going to die. Remind him of the good times that you guys had and make sure that his friends continue to come in to see him .