Do you look down on people who are divorced?

that would be like the pot calling the kettle black – both my husband and I have a divorce behind us

Only if they’re shorter than me.

Nope

No. Why would I?

No. What generation are we talking about? I can’t see why anyone born in the 70’s and on would care. Unless, of course, we are talking about Catholics or something.

no everybody’s divorced what maybe 19 century england?

I look up to people that don’t linger in bad situations. If it isn’t working out there isn’t a good reason to suffer. Make the break and find someone that makes you happy.

No of course not. I’d more likely look down on a married couple who absolutely hate each other and have fallen out of love but refuse to divorce because they’re too embarassed. That’s just crazy.

@johnpowell GA

No, although I do feel bad for them. I imagine it must be very disappointing to see your marriage devolve into a divorce.

I’m suspicious of younger women with kids who are divorced. It’s probably my own ignorance, but I have a hard time understanding how someone can be so far off the mark regarding their primary relationship.

Honestly, in the past, I don’t think I ever really thought about it one way or another. I just treated all people without judgment.

Then, a few years ago, the shit hit the fan for a few people in my family & group of friends, including myself, and I found myself divorced after 10 years of marriage. I can tell you, it is absolutely one of the worst feelings in the world, having your relationship break up like, that, especially if kids are involved. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and now that I’ve survived, I have nothing but empathy for people who’ve gone through it, or are about to go through it. I will help them in any way that I can.

@kevbo Only suspicious about the women? Not the men too? Can you specify what you mean by suspicious?

Personally, I don’t look down on such people but feel it takes a lot of courage to finally get you out of a dead end relationship. In India, divorced women had problems earlier living in the society. But thinks are changing for the better now.

Not in the least. I like to believe that it won’t happen to me, but it happens to far too many good and decent people for me to be judgmental about it.

I don’t know it is hard to answer this question without generalizing too much. There have been times when people have gotten divorced and I thought negatively of it. Not so much a negative feeling toward the divorce, but their decision to get married in the first place. But these were younger people who got married and after a year or so divorced. But other times people get divorces and it seems like a smart decision. Generally if I don’t know the people I won’t hold it against them. Though maybe I am old school and I feel like some marriages throw in the towel way too soon.

No way. I figure, if you’re not happy, then get out. It’s probably best for all that way. Maybe your friend and family are afraid of being judged as the one who drove them to divorce? Are they afraid of being judged by family or strangers? Is it religious related?

@ubersiren I think there is a mixture. Some of it is religious related, as I mentioned above about one of my friends. Interesting point you make about them worrying about being judged as the one who drove them to divorce. You might have hit on something. I have noticed that they are extremely upset when anyone says anything positive about their x-husbands.

If they are at the bottom of the stairs I would.

Yes, I look down on people who are divorced. I look down on everyone.

No, but I do feel very uncomfortable when people find out I was married once before. It is like I am living an entirely different life now. Most people are shocked to hear it. My husband was worried about telling his parents. That made me feel lousy.

Only if they are shorter than me.

@JLeslie, I guess it’s my self-selecting experience. I can’t really think off the top of my head of any guys I know in that situation, but I can think of women I know mainly because I spend a lot of time thinking about women.

I just wonder how someone can misjudge their relationship that badly. I would presume most (women) would want to feel secure that their relationship is on solid footing before bringing kids into the picture. I realize things in relationships change and stuff (hence “my ignorance”), but to me it says fundamentally poor judgment.

@Supacase interesting. So you don’t judge others, but you feel badly yourself. Are you worried others will judge you, or you just feel it was a personal failure you don’t want to publicize? I don’t feel it is a failure, I am just using that word to try to understand your perspective.

@kevbo I think there are some young people who feel so in love and are convinced it will last forever. They are positive they will be the exception to the rule. Some of them are right and it does work out. I am sure it is disappointing and very hard for them when they realize there is no hope for their marriage.

I don’t know what the big fuss is all about. People change, situations change. Maybe you didnt know the person well before stepping into the marriage. So, don’t know why people seem to think that they have ‘failed’ somewhere. Bottom line is men or women, if it aint working for you, go for marriage counselling etc. After you give it your best shot, call it quits and move on. Think of the divorce then as something that you had to do to move on with your life instead of feeling miserable.

@kevbo But don’t you think men would want a solid relationship if they choose to have children also? Or, are these women who “tricked” their husbands somehow? Getting pregnant without their husbands consent.

@kevbo wait, what? I was a younger woman (for the purposes of this q, I’ll identify as such) with a kid that was divorced…what do you mean again?

Nope!

@JLeslie I do think others will judge me or at least think differently of me than they did before even if it isn’t in a completely negative way. I never go into the details of why we got divorced (we fought all the time, but I left when he pulled a gun on me) and I think they assume I was foolish. I personally don’t feel like it was a failure on my part; staying in that relationship would have been a huge mistake.

I also feel like they will think I am someone who is not dedicated marriage and they question my commitment to my current husband. <<——— Just realized that is mostly why! I also just realized that it really only bothers me when married friends or acquaintances find out.

Nope. What good would that do?

@kevbo I used to think that way until I realized (not saying you haven’t) that for every young divorced woman with kids, was a young divorced man with kids.

@Supacase Can I ask if this is based in some sort of religious upbringing thing? Do you worry about being judged for marrying someone who would pull a gun on you, or that you divorced him? I try to put mysef in your situation…I know that when my husband just speaks harshly to me in front of others I feel embarrassed because its like woman are not supposed to put up with any crap anymore, any disrespect at all. If anything, I would feel proud of you for being able to get out of such a situation. I never even thought of people wondering if you will be committed enough to your current husband, but yes of course it makes sense you might feel that because when people are dating divorced people the family and friends wonder why the new SO was divorced.

I’m confused as to what @kevbo means as well.
Let’s say I get divorced, and I have two children with my then ex-husband. It was a poor decision on my part to have children with the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with? That’s all I’m getting out of your comment.

I think when it comes to divorce..no one ever plans on it. You don’t go into marriage thinking “Okay, we might get a divorce some day, so lets not have kids!” How pessimistic.
You go into marriage with hope, and love and devotion. And I do not look down upon people who get divorced. I must say, I don’t always understand it…but that’s because I’m not in that relationship. There’s no way for me to know all the details.
I can see why people would feel embarrassed, because it is something that most people will know, and would probably feel like a failure.

No… I look down on people who should be divorced and aren’t.

(Meaning that they’re maintaining a mutually destructive relationship for bad reasons.)

Do you look down on people who are divorced?

It wouldn’t even occur to me to do so. Staying married because you feel some sense of hollow moral obligation to the institution itself sounds very unattractive to me, so in a roundabout sense I would “look down” (pity, to be precise) anyone that let their life be controlled by such notions (rooted in religious faith more often than not I suspect). If you give it an honest go and the s* just isn’t working out, do yourself a favor and move on – there’s no reason to deprive yourself the chance of a healthy relationship with someone else. Life is too short!

Everyone I know who is divorced, except for one person, struggled for years before they finally did it. They agonized, hoped things would get better, sometimes held on for a while for their childrens sake, went to therapy, no one seems to do it with a cavalier attitude, so I fail to see how someone could judge divorce in a negative way. I think @kevbo is judging a bad choice in who someone marries, or decision to have children during a bad marriage, which seems different to me. Maybe it isn’t? When someone gets married very young and then divorced, it almost doesn’t count to me, I chalk it up to youth, I am not more critical of a young person who had “bad” judgement I am less critical.

Don’t people’s friends often take sides when a couple divorces? Isn’t it often awkward, socially?

I don’t think that looking down is really the thing to worry about. It’s how people deal with the changed circumstances of the couple, and how they have to rearrange their thinking and relationships in order to accommodate what happened.

Some of it is who are you friends with. What if you are friends with both parties? What do we do when both of them are in the same room together? What will they do? What happens if they don’t want to see each other ever again, but they both like the same activity? One person gets it and the other loses out, but how do the friends feel about that?

It’s awkward. It makes people uncomfortable to deal with it if they are close to the couple. It is awkward in the family. Now you have to decide whose family you will go with. If there are kids, who will they spend the holidays with? It ropes a lot of people into it.

If the other people do choose sides, or make a judgment about who was right or who was wrong, then perhaps you can say they look down on one member of the former couple. If someone cheated, and the community knows, then they might not really want to be around the cheater. Even if the community doesn’t know, there’s always a suspicion.

I don’t look down on people who are divorced, but it sure can make things awkward all over the place, and I wish it hadn’t happened. I always wonder how they manage, with new families and step-siblings and two places to live. There are a lot of problems. It’s messy. People don’t like messy situations, even if they love to gossip about the drama.

@JLeslie I didn’t agonize – once I realized that it wasn’t right, I sat him down that very night and said ‘you don’t find me inspiring, I don’t find you inspiring…do you think you can get out of your stagnant state to care? and he said no and I said then we need a divorce’ and that was it

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Now that is something I have never heard before. Did you go through any sadness regarding the divorce, or was it very matter of fact for you?

No way, I’d be very lonely otherwise. When I divorced I was a little curious if people would judge me as a “quitter” but it wasn’t a big deal after a short time.

@JLeslie I don’t think I function like many others – for me once I realize something, that epiphany is enough of a resolution…I do not look back, I look forward – later on because of problems I’d have with him over moving out and the baby, I’d be angry that I didn’t realize we weren’t a good match earlier…we talk now, he comes to visit my oldest once in a while…I am no longer angry at him as I completely lost most of my respect for him…okay, that sounds harsh…but he’s shown himself to be so forgetful and neglectful and irresponsible that I no longer count on him

Maybe people look down upon people who are relieved and happy to be divorced? Maybe because we expect people to have some sort of emotional turmoil, and when they don’t..we get confused. I don’t know. I have never gotten divorced so I don’t know what emotions go into it.

@casheroo there might be something to that – a lot of people wish they could divorce but they do not for whatever reason…then when they see others who have done it they feel jealous but display that jealousy through ‘looking down on those’ who did what they really want to do

Divorced? That’s nothing! Bless ‘em, they gave it a fair go.

And people who look down on the divorced? Why? What a judgement to make on people whose relationships they weren’t involved in!

Hardly anyone I knew growing up in the 70s and 80s came from an intact home, anyway. I thought for years when I was younger that folks would look down on me for being born a “bastard”, and you see how little that matters anymore. I would imagine that divorce has even less of a stigma today.

@aprilsimnel hate that word bastard when used for a child born out of wedlock. Just awful. I will never understand how anyone during any era in time could judge a child based on their circumstance of birth

@JLeslie x2

@johnpowell took the words right out of my mouth! I have more respect for people that end something that is not making them happy and unlikely ever will and move on. My parents divorced when I was 11 years old and I am happy to say that they are both much happier now in their own lives.

No way. I would never look down on someone that’s divorced… I would encourage two very unhappy people to divorce if that meant happiness for the both of them.

@JLeslie No, no religious upbringing here. I don’t usually mention why we divorced so I suppose people are left to make guesses and assumptions.

Interesting that you bring up my childhood, though. You are probably on to something – my mom was divorced 3 times and married 4. The first marriage was over before I was born. The other three marriages all took place before I was 6. Granted, her last marriage has lasted 30 years (as of this coming Sunday), but I was so determined that I wasn’t going to follow in her footsteps. I suppose I do look at my first marriage as a failure in that aspect. When I met my bio-dad, I found out he had been married 5 times (4 divorces). It freaked me out – was this in my DNA or what?! I know that isn’t possible, but good grief!

No – not at all.

But I do shake my head at folks who are married a year (or less) and call it quits. Was it that different from when you were dating? (unless, of course, abuse or infidelity was involved).

I also agree that it’s more egregious to stay in an unhappy (or abusive) marriage out of spite or stubbornness.

No. Every decision you make can’t be the right one. Not every relationship can last forever. Maybe you think it can so you get married. Some people break up before they get married, and really it’s just a different word for it after, and a bigger more expensive process, but I would never think less of someone who is divorced.

No I do not.

No,I feel sorry for the poor girl i babysit for,her husband left her for his boss while her mother was dying of cancer.they have two kids one is severly handicapped.