Couples and housekeeping. How do you work it out so no one gets cranky?

I used to be the messy one, and my wife the tidy one. Then she and I had two babies and I became much tidier – she was often too frazzled to do the housework. Our two babies turned into children, and a super-tidy house just became impossible.

I say roll with it – fair enough, when you find socks behind your PC or something like that, it’s time to tidy, but entropy will out.

This is one of the biggest issues my husband and I face.
Mainly because I feel it’s unfair to make me do all the housekeeping, just because I stay at home. And he feels he is a victim when I ask him to do the damn kitty litter (hello, toxoplasmosis!)
It’s a constant struggle, seems like a power struggle actually…we both try to compromise but then one gets angry and blows up.

I think having assigned chores is what would work best. But, usually in my house, I end up doing it or my parents help me out. (some things I literally cannot do).
I will admit to being one of the “messy ones” but I also cannot stand a dirty house, and not having things prepared…like my sons sippy cups. We have four, and I have to stay on top of scrubbing them, and if I ask for help from my spouse, I do not receive it, so then I might come out to a sippy cup with curdled milk. sigh

If she makes dinner I do the dishes. If I make dinner she does the dishes.
She keeps everything tidy yearlong and I do the massive spring cleaning which btw I do several times a year.
Whoever passes something out of place they put it back, it evens out.
Kitty little is mine since I brought the cat into the relationship.
Washing clothes is hers because I really really really hate the texture of wet clothing, drive me insane.
I take the dry cleaning in since I pass it on the way to work.
I buy the Pine-Sol because I love Pine-Sol. love love love it.

Things seem to split roughly down the middle. I take what she hates. She takes what I hate. The rest is mostly about helping the other person (and yourself) and not making someone do everything.

We figure it out based on who’s available when and at what point do we get sick with all the mess? Both of us wash the dishes, the floors, the sinks, etc. – just depends on who’s less exhausted on any given day, really…I work, he stays at home so the big cleaning is done by him during weekdays when the baby is asleep…sometimes though I hit my ‘crazy energy out of nowhere’ hours late at night and then I’ll just clean whatever wherever…our place is never organized, we have kids…we have toys EVERYWHERE and no matter how many containers, boxes we buy, it’s still everywhere…I scraped my foot on ‘jingle pig’ today (it’s a little pig with bells on it for the baby) and later found a toy truck in the sink…anywho, we try to keep resentment to a minimum and try to communicate often about whether or not one of us feels as if they’re doing more

Before we got married we decided that no one should have to do more hours of work than the other; this is total hours both job and domestic responsibilities. When we both worked full time we split the work at home, when I work part time I do almost everything at home. I have worked part time and then back to full, and whenever I work full time he immediately starts doing the laundry again (because that is one chore he does not mind doing) and unloading the dishwasher more (because I hate that in general). Sometimes he will vacuum as well.

Now, the best part is he was raised in Mexico, where having a maid is simply an expected expense, so whenever I want a maid to help out he is more than willing to spend the money. In fact I would say he is keener on the idea than I am. So during times when I am overworked at work, like when I worked retail during the Christmas season, we have paid for a maid to help out with the cleaning.

Luckily my husband is fairly good at putting away, so I don’t have to chase after him, or pick his clothes off the floor. He just is not too fond of cleaning.

My past relationships have been for the most part with like-minded partners in the hygiene/household chores area. I think it helped along the way that in most of these situations we had already lived together previously with other partners and or/roommates before deciding to move in together.

One of these relationships actually formed with an actual housemate, and then we went on to move out and get our own place.

The reason I believe it helped is that we got a feel for the other person’s idiosyncracies and expectations beforehand, and therefore a real sense of what it would truly be like.

Also, seeing them live in a group setting allows you to see how much they are willing to contribute, and how they respect other people’s space/property. Are they moochers? Do they borrow stuff without asking? Do they walk through life making messes and expect others to clean it up?

Let’s face it, living with someone is a huge deal – and married or not – you are talking about sharing your innerworld, your cacoon from the world.

Not being in sync on this topic was one of things that contributed to my last break-up, because although I told my ex up front that I was not going to be a live-in maid to 3 teenagers and a husband he didn’t quite believe me.

I think it all boils down to (no pun intended) openly communicating, delagating chores, and just plain respect. When you respect your partner and are commited you naturally want to contribute as much as possible to the relationship, and if being a bit tidier helps in that regard… then why not do it?

We both think we do more than the other.

@daloon ~ I think that’s the shortest answer I’ve ever seen you write in live time on fluther ;)

ATTN SELF PROCLAIMED MESSIES
Do you feel you are messy by personality or do you really not like mess but feel overwhelmed by your schedules. Do you think you’d take better care of your home if you had more time, felt more acknowledged by your partner, weren’t depressed/stressed, is it because you hate your home or present living situation and so don’t want to make the efforts, etc? Would you spend $100. a month for someone to come in and do you floors, carpets, shower/tubs and toilet if you could afford it and if it would cut down on feeling guilty or causing your partner frustration?

I love to clean and my girlfriend has “science experiments” in her fridge from early 2009.

If/when we move in together, I’ll be doing most of the cleaning, I’m sure. I wouldn’t mind it, though.

@hungryhungryhortence honestly, it’s about priorities – if I had more time, I’d take that time for sex, sleep, food and enjoying my children…cleaning would be last on the list…that’s why it never gets done

Answers from a self proclaimed messy:
I think my being messy has a lot to do with how I was raised. My mother did almost everything for me and my brother, and we’re both pretty messy people. She is basically a clean freak. Can’t see the laundry bin get even half full, has to make the bed, has to dust constantly. My brother and I had chores, but she’d go back and redo whatever we did to her satisfaction. It got to the point where I think we just gave up.

I do get overwhelmed sometimes. Laundry rarely overwhelms me, but I do hate folding it. It’s the general picking up, and cleaning the kitchen that overwhelms me..and having to do it every.single.freaking.day. It drives me up a wall.
I would probably want to take better care of the home if my partner acknowledged the work I do. I did a huge cleaning on Saturday, but still get accused of doing nothing because I asked him to scrub the tub (I’m over 7 months pregnant, it’s just difficult plus I don’t like the chemicals..I had done everything else in the bathroom). I then felt attacked for not doing one thing, and needing help with it.

My partner actually wants to hire a cleaning service, but with our financial state, I just cannot justify it. I think he needs to get over himself and help me more. (and I’m sure he’d say the same thing.) Maybe our issue is different, because I stay at home all day..and it’s not like I can help him at work, but I do expect help at my “work.” Also, I would get a job to resolve these issues, but my partner puts no effort into helping me find proper affordable childcare, or willing to limit his hours so I can work and make up the difference. So we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I pick up after myself.

Housekeeper.

Since I’ve been unemployed (almost 2 years now) she’s not only been the breadwinner, but she’s also got her own massage therapy practice. So I’m the one who’s got the time (maybe not the inclination) to do the housework. I’m messy by nature, and I tend to do what needs to be done to get by.

I do almost all of the house cleaning and laundry.my s/o is never satisfied with the way i do it.hes a slob but he expects the house too be spotless.he works full time but i babysit full time.two kids one handicapped.I gave up trying too please him years ago.

My partner and I tried using a chore chart (weekly rotation of all household chores divided equally). I think it worked for a week or two. She is more into maintaining order and cleanliness than I am. I operate under the “lived-in look except when company comes” mentality. After many many months of discussions, debates, and mild arguments, she finally gave up nagging me to do my share. She presented a compromise – I do all the cooking and grocery shopping, and she does everything else. I’m to help out as needed. She enjoys home-cooked meals, I enjoy clean clothes nicely folded and put away in the closet. Win/win situation! (It actually works for us, as this division of chores is based on strengths and interests. I find that I am more willing to do the chores I wouldn’t normally do, simply because someone else is taking the initiative and I want to help.)