How can I get my mother-in-law to respect our wishes?

Hmmm. I would talk to your daughter about those who have less and why it’s important to give. Then give away the outfits your daughter picks out to a women and children’s center. MIL is happy- you are happy.

You can’t stop or control her from buying what she wants. You can control what you do with the clothes and give those in need some wonderful outfits.

Will your SO talk to his mother? It sounds as though things are really out-of-control. Don’t let the “you’ve crushed my very soul” voice get to you.

Would she consider using all that money to start a college fund for your daughter. Given her need to spend money, it would mount up.

Perhaps next time use the words, “I need to be very clear and very firm.”

The sheer waste is mind numbing. I like @gailcalled idea to start a college fund. The longer it goes on the harder it will be to stop her. I think you need to be firm and if she still brings the clothes, ask her to take them back, you can no longer accept them. And stand by your word.

What emotional need/past wrong is your MIL trying to fill by buying clothes? What’s her drive?

She sounds wack. I’d let her son deal with it. It’s not your problem. And you and your child could make a lot of underprivileged children very happy by doing some constructive giving away. You don’t have to make an issue about it with the MIL, just do it as an exercise in empathy and generosity with the cooperation and help of your kid.

@Supacase if I didn’t know for sure that my ex is the only son I would swear your mother-in-law and my ex-mother-in-law are one in the same.

Here is what I discovered dealing with a very similar woman for over 20 years. The only time my MIL ever listened to my requests and actually made an attempt to abide by them was when I got obnoxious with her. When I say obnoxious I mean raising my voice and speaking to her as if she was a four year-old. While that stopped the behavior (for a while at least), it also put her in the “poor me, look what this horrible woman has done to me” phase.

When I was nice and diplomatic about it, she poo-pooed me and completely ignored my requests. If she did pretend that she was going to listen she would pretend to my face then do whatever it was behind my back, usually with her son’s tacit approval.

My husband did make some attempts to communicate on my behalf with his mother, but it never did any good. She had his number and he always left the encounters feeling guilty. In fact, I think he felt doubly guilty because of the guilt his mom laid on him and the guilt he felt because he was letting me down.

I guess in short I am saying this is a very difficult battle to fight, one you might just have to resign to losing. Judging by the photos you shared, you could probably fatten up a college fund by selling half to three quarters of the stuff on ebay! Or you and your daughter could pick up some of the clothes to donate to charity. BTW, I see no need to broadcast either of these choices to your MIL.

Well, I think @gemiwing and @gailcalled took care of what I would do. I agree with them.

Why not take any clothes you and your daughter don’t absolutely love to an upscale resale shop, and then take the money and put it in your daughter’s college fund. That way MIL can give to her heart’s content, but you can control the amount of clothing in the house and get some good out of the extras. If she wonders where some of the outfits have gone, just comment about how quickly children grow.

I know that mother-in-law issues are classic, but this is pretty dramatic. The clothes thing is silly, and you need to let her know that if she continues to give your daughter so many things, you will have to give them to the needy, since it is impossible for your daughter to wear all that she has.

I like the college fund idea as well. But it sounds like she is a needy person herself, and she wants attention and love. Talk to your husband about that—maybe he can do something nice for his mother so she won’t feel neglected. Otherwise, you are going to have a challanging 18 years ahead of you.

Yet another reason @skfinkel is my parenting guru! Lurve, lurve, lurve!

Holy crap, I wish I were having a girl, I’d buy those clothes from you ;)

My MIL is extremely passive aggressive as well, but not nearly as much as yours!

I think you’ve gotten great advice. I think her spending the money more wisely, and if she wants to spend it on your daughter..then by all means, put it in savings!
My SIL has this issue, she has mounds of clothes from her daughters other grandmother. (mostly hideous clothing, and it just gets sent back to consignment shops) She has repeatedly told her to stop but apparently these women have impulse control issues.

First – respect is a two way street. I hear a lack of respect from both parties here.
Second – why on earth is this such an important thing? Figure out a way to accept her help without feeling such unfounded resentment, and then deal with the resulting overload of clothing. It can go to re-sale, or donated to a worthy charity. There are many ways to share excess clothing with other people.

I can’t believe anyone would have a problem with such a petty thing.

My MIL, who was a delightful lady in many respects, insisted on giving me hand-decorated sweatshirts several times a year. They were always very cute, but they were always two sizes too small. When gentle suggestions did not work, I simply thanked her and then re-gifted the shirts to someone that size, put some in the closet for when my daughter might want to wear them, or took them to the consignment shop.

She was happy, I was reasonably happy, and the problem was solved.

@YARNLADY I’m curious where you see @Supacase being disrespectful here? She is the mom, she has asked this woman to stop more than once and seems to have done so kindly. If @Supacase is uncomfortable with this kind of excess, she is not just entitled, but obligated to say something. AIso, I don’t see it as petty or disrespectful that a mother would want to dress her own child.

@SuperMouse I believe to refuse gifts that are offered is not only disrespectful but beyond rude. It is rude to insist that she not give the gifts she feels like giving. I simply cannot imagine a time when it is the right thing to refuse a gift.

I have always been grateful for anything anyone ever wanted to give me, and the I decide what to do with the excess items that I receive.

I do not see where accepting the gift of clothing will keep the mother from dressing her daughter any way she wants. As many other people have pointed out, there are many charities and re-sale shops that can be used.

It just boggles my mind that anyone would actually refuse a gift for any reason, and in fact demand the giver stop giving.

Wow, she is a real piece of work. Maybe just let her win? If you thank her up and down and sideways, I wonder if she would stop getting a thrill out of buying the clothes? Since it seems like a power struggle, she might lose interest if you don’t care anymore. maybe go as far as to call her up or email and tell her the clothes your daughter needs, like you expect her to buy the clothing. I don’t know if what I am suggesting will work, but she is a whack job.

I wonder is she a pathalogical shopper (I have no idea if that is a real term)? Does she shop for herself and everyone like this?

I understand that your mom might feel slighted. Can she buy trips to Disney and other fun things, so she gets to do the grandma spoiling we all treasure.

@YARNLADY I think the point is that the childs mother has requested her MIL stop giving so much, and the MIL has not respected the mothers wishes.

@YARNLADY Maybe you and the MIL are the same kind of passive-aggressive narcissist! This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

@YARNLADY when the sole purpose of the gift is manipulation – as seems so in this case – it is certainly not rude to refuse the gift. Maybe I am reading more into this because of the situation with my ex-mother-in-law, but it seems this woman is not giving out of the kindness of her heart, but almost as a way to brand this child. That is not ok, should not be encouraged, and should be actively discouraged. @Supacase I’m wondering, does Grandma ask to see your daughter in the clothes she has purchased and maybe get a little hurt when it doesn’t happen?

@SuperMouse Since none of us are mind readers, it is counterproductive to assign “motive” to the gift giving. There is no way that anyone can know if there is a hidden agenda in a gift, and again, even if there is, how can it benefit the child here for the mother and grandmother to be at odds? How can it hurt to gracefully accept whatever is offered, and do as you wish with it. Someone has to be the ‘better’ person here, why not accept the gift, rather than demand the giver be the one to change?

@Supacase To accept the gifts would not mean that you approve of the “branding” and would not have any other meaning than you know how to be kind and gracious. Where is the harm in that. You are not in charge of her feelings or behavior. Only you can choose what your daughter wears, and that is your right. Where does your anger really come from? This sound to me like it goes way beyond clothes.

@YARNLADY I lean towards not fighting this battle, and letting the grandma give the clothes. But, it does seeem to be a power struggle if the MIL is completely ignoring a request by the mother. I can’t imagine going against a mothers request, unless I thought the mother was doing some harm to her child. I think it shows a lack of respect. @Supacase has not completely cut off the MIL from giving, just asking that it not be so excessive.

I agree with@ darwin about a consignment store making the college fund. Just smile and say thank you, win-win.

I agree with @YARNLADY (is this a first? ;) ). I bet @Supacase‘s MIL is a pain in the ass, but really, the big problem is that she has a need to buy her granddaughter an obscene amount of clothes? You get to chose what happens to the clothing after your MIL buys them. Say “thanks,” then get them the hell out of your house if you want to. Let her have this one- save the annoyance and trying to change her for really important things.

But, what about the fact that the clothes were given to the daughter, and now the mom has to be the mean one and not let her daughter have them. Isn’t that awkward for @Supacase to deny her daughter a gift that was given to her?

@JLeslie Good point, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be a perfect learning time, for Mom to tell daughter, “these clothes will benefit some poor children, and we don’t have to wear the latest fashion/most expensive brand”. Or choose words to explain why it would be better to give away the unwanted clothes. Again – win-win, mother chooses, daughter learns to be charitable.

@YARNLADY I don’t think I can go along with that. Maybe I am selfish. I would not be happy at all if I was the child giving away clothes I like and want to wear. It is one thing once you grow out of them, or if you don’t like them.

I do think this will work itself out in a few years, because I don’t know many children over the age of 8 who are happy with the clothes their grandmas pick for them.

Ok, to address a few things.

The clothes are far from being the only issue. They are tangible proof of her behavior in general, which is important because my husband now believes me about how his mom is. He used to think I was overreacting, but the fact that she will not stop after repeated requests shows him I am not making the other things up.

I was actually going to mention that I am to the point of donating the clothes or putting them in a consignment store but my description was already so long. I am at the end of my rope and cannot think of another solution since she continues to ignore us.

She will not redirect the money into a college fund. I honestly don’t know if she can control her shopping or spending. A college fund would not fulfill whatever need it is that causes her to shop for the high.

I have not told her I cannot accept any gift that she has actually given us. To do so would make me look mean in front of my daughter. She wouldn’t understand that Nana shouldn’t be bringing it in the first place; she only knows that Mommy won’t let her keep it. She knows that. I have always been gracious when accepting the items, but do mention when I talk to her the next time that we do not need any more clothes. It isn’t an issue of rudely not accepting a gift. It is an issue of her continuing to bring inappropriate gifts to our daughter – and I do deem them inappropriate since we have asked not to receive them. My child’s clothing is piled 3 feet on top of her dresser.

Of course I am the one who controls what my daughter wears, but it seems wasteful to go out and buy more clothes just because I like them more or want to buy cute things for her when she already has SO much. My mom did buy her a Christmas dress this year and she asked me if it was ok or if I already had one. MIL bought two and gave them directly to my daughter. She will most likely be angry that I’m using the one my mom gave for our pictures, but she will not admit it.

I do not like the message this is sending my daughter, which is that she is entitled to excess. We have recently been discussing homeless people, hungry children and people who have very little. She is very involved with choosing items for our Christmas tree angel. She may not be ready to give up a significant portion of her own things yet, though. I will work on that. @YARNLADY, she is four – she has no clue about brands.

I have not spoken firmly because of the exact thing @SuperMouse mentioned – she will put on the “poor me” show and I will look like the bad guy to the rest of the family. I do like @gailcalled‘s suggestion of “I need to be very firm and very clear.” I’m going to have to do it sometime – doing over this just may take care of some of the other issues as well.

OMG, @JLeslie!! You are right! Soon enough my daughter will tell her she doesn’t like the clothes. Genius!!

@Supacase Well, one thing I got from your above post is that your husband initially might have been on his mothers “side.” Almost all of the crazy shit my in-laws do to me my husband thinks they suck. He thinks I am slow to realize and accept how dysfunctional they are. This has brought me great comfort, knowing that when they have brought me to tears, he thinks they have been awful, even though at the same time he thinks I am ridiculous to try (again and again) to help them or care what they think.

You touched on what I asked above, that her shopping is so over the top that it seems compulsive and deserving of a diagnosis from the DSM.

I hope I am right and this problem just dissappears on its own in a few years :). Good luck.

I had this exact problem with my ex-mother in law. My oldest child was the first grandchild on both sides of our families, and all of our parents went a little overboard at first. My ex-MIL took the cake though. When my daughter was just days old, she asked me if we needed anything. I mentioned we could use a few sleepers (footy pajama type things). She came over the next day with 17 sleepers… in newborn size. My baby didn’t even get a chance to wear all of them before she outgrew them! It only got worse from there. Her first Christmas was obscene due to the amount of gifts MIL brought. This caused quite a few problems in our families. In addition to the problems you’ve mentioned, the more “reasonable” grandparents really viewed this as her trying to buy our child’s love. We asked nicely that she tone it down, and she flew into hysterics… wailing that we were “taking away her happiness”. How unfair we were being, blah, blah, blah. And she still over-bought. It got to the point that we had to really crack down. We limited everyone to just 5 presents for any particular occasion.

Being the passive-aggressive type, she still managed to cram 10 presents into 5 boxes. But it was better than 25 presents. :/

@augustlan 10 presents in 5 boxes. That is priceless.

I found some excellent articles on how to deal with impossible people that were a lot of help when I met a person like that.

Ask her for more clothes. Tell her you’ve seen the light: she’s can really do this better than you – you were wrong, she was right.
She’ll stop buying clothes to prove you’re not in control, just like she’s buying clothes to prove that you’re not in control.

Sell the clothes on eBay if you want, do whatever you want with them. Be prepared for her to tell you angrily that your daughter is your responsibility, not hers. She can’t allow herself to learn this from you because she doesn’t want you to exist. She can only teach it to you.

So let her. If she teaches you to take charge of your own kid, you can thank her for it.
She’ll be happy. Can you stand that?

Great link, @YARNLADY ! I might have to bookmark that one.

@YARNLADY, that’s a great page! I learned almost every single thing on it the hard way. I wish I could give that writer a billion dollars! And even so, I only recognize the truth in it today. When I was actively engaged with such a person, there was nothing anyone could tell me to make me realize that I wasn’t in the “100% evil, selfish so-and-so” category.

i know how you feel my husband is almost 4 years younger than me he’s 19 and his mother thinks i am the worst for stealing her baby boy away she doesn’t respect me at all. she buys my 4 year old son everything i think just to rub it in my face so i choose to ignore it bc my husband is in the navy and his parents live in OR so it’s much easier to ignore plus my son loves getting all that stuff. Or you could just send the stuff back to her or return it to the store or just tell her to butt the hell out. my mother-in-law is very passive aggressive too so i know how you feel. and you’re not ungreatful.

@YARNLADY That is a great link!

@YARNLADY , GA

@augustlan I feel like I’ve hit the lottery by finding another person who has been through the exact same thing!

@JLeslie Yes, my husband initially thought I was making a big deal over little things. It started before the clothes (she screamed at me on Christmas that I could not wear his new socks because I have plenty of my own and when we got together with his family to announce our pregnancy she paid for his meal but not mine) but he figured it out pretty fast once he started paying attention. He has been very direct with her since then.

@susanc I would love for her to be happy. I had really high hopes, based on how things were before the wedding, that we would have a good relationship. I enjoy her company when everything is “normal” but things just got weird.

@YARNLADY That is a great page. I am going to keep reminding myself that “Jesus loves her.” Seriously, there was a lot of excellent information and advice there. Thanks for the link.

@Supacase she paid for his meal and not yours? While you were pregnant with her grandchild that she can’t spend enough money on? Were you married at the time to her son? You are a saint by my estimate to be civil to her at all. She has been downright mean to you. I really understand how hurtful it can be, do your best to ignore her, and I’m glad your husband has her number now. I also think it is good that you do maintain a relationship with her, even though I said she is lucky you are still civil to her. For now she is the mean crazy one, stay above the fray and keep it that way. It has taken me years to finally realize that I probably should just take a bunch of valium and be totally passive when around my in-laws.

Your MIL must be the twin of my MIL. And after receiving a TV size box filled with clothes and given we’re about to head to her house for Christmas (where it takes DAYS to open everything and then she ships more that she “forgot about” once we’re back home), I can’t believe I’ve found someone with a similar problem. My husband has TRIED and TRIED to talk to her, but nothing, and then WE fight because he is so frustrated and I’m so livid that HER issues are now becoming ours and now our girls EXPECT all these clothes and all this stuff and WHAT will happen when they are teenagers and she gives them stuff behind our backs (because they know grandma will get them whatever they want?). ARG!!!!!

@arghhhh – That’s one of the reasons I exposed my kids very early on to helping those who have nothing. In fact, we have a rule: each time you bring new clothes into the house, whatever the source, an equal quantity of clothing, new or old, needs to go out of the house to the Women’s Shelter or Ronald McDonald house. The same for toys.

@arghhhh Welcome to Fluther, and to the Mothers-in-Law Who Give Too Much club. ;)