How do you explain fidelity and infidelity?

Our mating habits are a by-product of sexual dimorphism. It was long thought that since males are opportunistic maters, they would have more extra pair copulations than females, who are discriminant maters. However, cuckoldry turns out to be an adaptive strategy for women, especially after more than two births. Sneaky fucking enables them to mate with a genetically superior specimen while still retaining their provider.

it seems there are two tyes of people in the human race, regardless of thier sexual orientation. those of us that require a monogamous relationship without deviating from the same partner or life partner. this also occurs in the animal kingdom for example penguins and albatross. this would require fidelity. there are then those of us that are married/single and also have multiple partners or a f/b this also happens in the animal kingdom, take for instance dogs and cats a purrfect example of infidelity. of course a prime example of infidelity would be when so called life partners stray off course.

Population control is one of the most basic levers of power in society.

Those with the power to enforce religious laws in the name of morality have given themselves the authority to persecute the “non-abiding” masses, in spite of our natural and most basic of human instincts.

It’s the difference between a loose trouser zipper and a tightly closed trouser zipper.

People are unhappy – people want new experiences – people want to feel in control. One may argue that biologically speaking we don’t need to be monogamous but socially speaking we can be. This is slowly changing, open relationships are more accepted.

I think you got it right in the description of your question, that from a biological point of view it’s natural for men to want to spread their seed as widely as possible, and for a woman to require one partner. It’s no wonder that so many marriages fail when you take that into consideration.

As for myself, I define infidelity or cheating as having any kind of relationship outside of your regular monogamous relationship, with which your regular partner does not consent (either because they disapprove, or they don’t know about it). I don’t consider it to be cheating if all parties involved are consentual of the polyamorous relationship.

As for myself, I’m not particularly sexual at all, and I could live without sex altogether, but I certainly understand and experience being in love with more than one person.

Edited to add: I don’t think it would help if everyone was truly religious. At least, I think there would be less infidelity, but I don’t think anyone would be truly happier in themselves. They’d just have all these psychological battles going on in their minds, and feel too afraid or guilty to act on them.

Us and others

I’m not sure that there would be less infidelity if everyone were truly religious. Sometimes it seems like the diehard Fundamentalist Right is a rich source of cheaters in the news.

@pdworkin : i love that description sneaky fucking!

my primatology professor used to say that. she was really cute, too!

Wow, you asked a lot of questions there…not sure I know the answer to any of them.

I do know this, though…

…hardly any of us have ever had any real relationship training.

What we “know” about relationships we pick up from watching and listing to other people (who may or may not know what they’re talking about) tv, movies, books, advice columns, our parents or guardians, church, blogs, social forums, etc., etc…

…all of which conflict.

And we gather this (mis)information in the midst of trying to learn exactly what the hell we’re supposed to be doing on this planet with our lives.

Is there really any wonder why we’re confused?

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. In my opinion infidelity is when you do not uphold your commitment in a marriage. It is like breaking a pact or promise. You can not have infidelity where there was none to start. Simply cohabitating does not produce fidelity because you never were fully vested. You can drive a car, put wheels on it, buy gas for it, pumping up the stereo etc, unless you have the registration the car is never yours no matter how much you are allowed to do to it. When someone else decides to sell it, it is sold and any investment you made in it is gone. People would not do that with property but they are quick to do it with relationships. Infidelity is when one or both break the vows of marriage they pledged to each other to have the other exclusively for them.

Why do so much if it happens? Bottom line is selfishness. There are things which that selfishness manifests as, vengeance, ego, apathy etc. The person cheating will always have a reason they believed on why they cheated, “she was sleeping around on me so I can do the same”; “he never took me anywhere”; “this gal was trying for weeks to get into my jock and she was so hot, she did not let herself go like so and so”. The reason why couples often don’t catch the rise of selfishness before it bubbles up to the point of disrespect is they lost their art of communication. Before they got together they tried to the max to have open dialogue, interest and respect for each other. After they get together and the newness wears off and or the sex gets routine, out the window goes the deep heart felt open communication that was there before, all that is left is communication you can’t avoid; “Honey have you seen the newspaper?’, “Dear, don’t forget to pick up the dry cleaning”, etc.

I’d like to point out that yes, there really are sex addictions. Just like you can be addicted to drugs or alcohol, you can be addicted to sex, love, food, television, whatever. However, the only time that it’s a legitimate addiction is when it takes over your life – its all you can think about, and you feel like shit if you don’t have it. You spend all of your free time trying to get it.

Fidelity to me is being true to the promises one has made and the responsibilities someone has willing accepted. Those promises and agreements are unique to each relationship and situation.

Infidelity is not doing what I said above.

Fidelity is respecting your partner and relationship. Without trust, a relationship is not complete.

i think the bottom line is people can’t be held accountable for anything. they will do what is possible for them, and what is possible for them cannot be predicted. promises don’t have magical powers. promises are simply plans which can fail.

that being the case, the expectation for people to stay faithful is unrealistic. all you can do is decide day by day, moment by moment, whether you’re in a relationship that you want to add to or subtract from.

Many people want to be loved by one and only one person
That’s no fidelity/infidelity but more of an ideal that leaves no room for temptations or multiple choices for “the best match”. It’s unrealistic as the years go by, you’re bound to come up against some trials to your ideals.

They feel attachment to only one person
This is ideal too and rules out much conscious effort to stand by a choice. Again, as time goes by it’s in the numbers to come in contact at least one other person you get drawn to where you either stand by your choice or try something new.

They have promised to be faithful to one person
This is fidelity. This is a conscious choice followed by actions to be with that one person despite infatuations, temptations, curiosity/boredom. For some people, they hold infatuation a long time for their partners, fidelity isn’t so challenging for them, they might even take pride in and get a little rush from the fact they feel fortunate in loving one person so completely and comfortably.

It is cheating to break such promises
Yes, a promise is a promise and people adjust their future intentions and actions based on promises a lot of the time.

Harmonious…inharmonious.

What’s going on here?
>>the ebb and flow of society-no one rule works for everyone.

Why do some people (and perhaps many people) behave in hypocritical ways?
>>i dont think we are always aware at the moment that we are being hypocritical but we also want to be viewed in a positive way by the people around us YET we also want to do what we want to do whatever that is. I personally try to stand behind my actions which carries some level of consequence if its something that i think is ok but society doesnt. some things are just private. I dont feel like i owe the world total disclosure so if theres things i keep secret – im ok with that. re infidelity – i am sure many ppl want to maintain the facade of a happy marriage but in reality they for whatever reasons are getting their needs met elsewhere. I have learned this much – as humans, we WILL get our needs met however we can.

Are we all following our biological natures? Are many of us immoral creatures? If we were truly religious, would things be better? Are there really sex addictions? Is it personality? Improper upbringing? How do you explain fidelity and infidelity?

>>I was going to answer each question but its taking too long so a short answer. First – whatever flies between your spouse and you is all good. and i mean – whatever! the only time there are negative consequences that, as you say, effect not only you, your fam but also society – is when someone is hurt and that typically comes from issues concerning honesty/trust/integrity/etc. . I explain fidelity (if that works for you – it has worked for me for 22 years now short of a few erotic moments having 3somes) as one way to setup a relationship but not the only model. Infedelity – theres cheating infedelity and planned infidelity – one hurts your spouse (betrays) and for the most part is meeting a need that for whatever reason is not being met in your primary relationship. Planned infedelity is – just that – planned therefore its agreed and anything goes. the thought of my wife arranging and executing a tryst is a real turn on to me. its kinda sick i know but so what? she would never do it anyway. instead i have to conspire with men to hit on her and try to get her to take the bait! Haha – not really but ive thought about it. Shes so f-ing hot she drives me crazy – as u can see.