Will I EVER trust a man?

I think it will take time but it is possible for you to trust a man again.

Thank you, Simon. I like him and really do want to trust him! He does seem like a good guy but my past relationship also seemed “too good to be true”. I’m afraid of really liking him and then just setting myself up for inevitable disappointment.

It will take time. I was in a similar predicament. My fiance of two years came home from work one night and packed up and moved out. That was over three years ago and I still have gotten no explanation of why.

It took almost a year for me to trust again, but it did happen. I can’t explain why, but I hope it happens for you too.

nope, you better don’t

besides, you are 21, focus on college

@flameboi when you were in college, did you just focus on college?

You have to get your insecurity cleared up… if you don’t you will probably LOSE him .

Maybe a little professional counseling for you…. if you can’t pull yourself together…

I do understand the “TRUST” issue; been there . It is difficult to find again… BUT: if you really like / love this guy… give it another chance for your own sake… I believe that you’ll be glad that you did .

If I understand correctly, you don’t trust that a man could actually like you.

So let me ask you this: do you actually like you?

Flameboi,
Just because I’m dating someone doesn’t mean I won’t be able to focus on my education. I think that good academics and a satisfying personal life can coexist. I like this guy, and don’t want to let a potentially good thing slip away just because of my own paranoia and psycho-bullshit.

Here is the best possible advice i can give you and its been proven to be eiffective time after time. contact his friends and get their opinions about this person. his friends, especially the women, will tell you truthful answers. my only concern is his age. has he been married before? does he have an ex and children that he has not told you about? his friends will give you honest answers. once you have learned the truth, then you can make your own decision. to stay or not to stay.

I think the answer is simple: take the time to get to know him, while pursuing your other interests and academics. Time will tell if this person is right for you. If you are hesitating, why not be his friend for a while, or tell him you want to go slow(er)? He should understand and may even be on the same wavelength with you (wants to go slow). Trust takes time, on both sides.

John65pennington,
I wish I could contact his friends! But I don’t know any of them. We met by chance at a bookstore so we really don’t know any mutual people. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing but I do wish I could talk to people who are unbiased and know him personally. I wish all men came with references!

I’ll admit, I did run his name through a google search engine and really liked what I saw. Everything I found lined exactly up to what he told me about himself. I get the impression that he’s honest, hardworking and genuine. He’s highly successful at a young age which is very attractive. (and NO, I’m not a “gold digger” or the like) I just really find it awesome that he’s highly motivated and doing good things with his life.

He just seems too good to be true. I feel like nobody that good could possibly just like me for me…

@BringsTheNight
First, welcome to fluther, sorry for not welcoming you be4 :D
Second, I agree with you point, but still, you are 21, you are very lucky if only good guys show at your door, but still, no matter how good the guy might be, the good guy can still walk away from your life with no reason and you don’t have to keep rolling that ball, as point out, you are a very desirable person to be with, people will come and go from your life and eventually one person will stay, but that doesn’t mean that it has to happen tomorrow, also remember, dating a succesful good kid does not make him bulletproof, those kids are more prone to cheat than a normal loving guy :D
You will be in and out of relationships for a fer years before feeling the need of something else, like a family, that depends on what you want to do with your life if I were you, i’d be more worried about grad school :D

@Simone_De_Beauvoir
Yes, well, my college story is long and complicated I’m still trying to graduate, hopefully next year it will finally happen, and yes, I’ve tried to, hasn’t worked pretty well lol that’s why I encourage people to focus in college :)

@flameboi I admire your dedication and I wish you all the best, truly – obtaining an education is important but listen a former pre-med, life during college shouldn’t revolve around the degree and grades only…my life’s calling has been carved out of the experiences I had outside the classroom

I think there’s time for love AND success. I don’t think that my life has to stop just because I’m in school in order for me to do well. Often times people do meet their future spouses while in college. Granted, he doesn’t go to school with me but I don’t think it’s weird to date someone you like when you’re 21.

As for his age: It really doesn’t bother me. He told me he’s never been married and has no children. (Yes, I know people lie but I have no evidence to the contrary) We relate well to each other and have a good rapport. We like a lot of the same music, understand the same cultural references and can appreciate a lot of the same things. I know it sounds cliche but I really enjoy the little added maturity he’s gained with some years.

One thing that stuck out to me about his behavior was on our last date. We had come home from a bar and started kissing. I told him that I wanted to get to know him a little better before we go any further. He was totally cool about it and told me that wanted to earn my trust before he slept with me. In fact he’s never been anything but a gentleman. But I’m afraid to idealize him TOO much. (I really put my ex on a pedestal and I know it wasn’t healthy)

@Simone_De_Beauvoir
Thank you my dear for your words
I know, I believe and practice what you say, even though most of my friends (not all) have graduated by now, I have 10 years of working experience and a dream job for the past 8, I’ve learned more outside the classroom and now, I really want to finally get out of the classroom jejeje and those valuable experiences have helped me through life in so many ways…

@BringsTheNight: I’ll have to agree with others on this thread who suggest you should put yourself on a pedestal, instead of the other person. Even though you are 21, you have a lot to offer the world and that special someone, and you have to be your best cheerleader, or you won’t get what you want, and you want happiness right?

@Siren
Whoa!!!

@Siren (Yay,I figured out how to tag people!)
I’m afraid of going to the extreme and being arrogant… I’m aware that I’m attractive, and relatively smart. But I feel like there’s something defective in me that is going to scare ALL men away regardless of my good qualities. I’m afraid that because I’m young and look the way I do that this guy, (who probably has his pick of females) could never be that into me. Ugggggh Why am I so insecure/crazy???

I don’t know if this helps….but my sister was in an abusive marriage with her first husband and after they finally got a divorce,she wondered the same thing.About a year later,she met her wonderful current husband and had two beautiful children with him.

@redneckgirl
That does make me feel a little better. I know there are a lot of good guys out there. This man is a sweetheart but for some reason I just don’t feel worthy of him. I feel like with his awesome career and exciting lifestyle (He’s a bit of an adventurer/globetrotter) he has to be crazy to like a simple gal like me!

I think that an event where you are dumped is more significant than just emotional trauma. As with soldiers fighting wars, there is a kind of traumatic stress thing that happens. I think what that means is that it changes the chemistry of your brain and makes you more susceptible to depression and low self-worth. I.e., it’s not all your responsibility for controlling it or feeling like you have to make yourself trust men again.

Counseling can help. Counseling trains you to retrain your brain, which can fix your brain chemistry issues. Drugs can help, too, but you need a prescription for that.

Or you can wait it out. That’s what most people do. But if it doesn’t seem to be going away, you might want to consider those other alternatives.

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. 1st most gals know if they are really pretty or it is in their minds. If you always seem to have the eye of guys even when you are not in a mini, tube top, with a thong strap showing, you have looks. Start off with this guy just learning about him, seeing where he is at. Going into it with “He has to be the guy” is a recipe for failure. You have to be cool about being alone unattached. You can then see more objectively then trying to see all the right things in him or ignoring the negative. What he see in you? You could ask him. You could know quite strait away if he is in it for the fun or the long haul. If he seems very preoccupied with sex or sex with you then maybe he won’t see much further than that. I don’t know how many total dates you have gone on, but from my experience it takes at least a good 6 to 8 dates to even start to get a bead on someone. And no one can make you a bedroom toy unless you allow it. If he is pushing and you are not ready you have to be prepared to have him walk if that means standing firm.

If anything, worrying about it will only drive him away. Focus on the present.

i think you’re making too much of a fuss out of something that just started. i do the same thing too, and i have the same problem with trusting guys.

I have some trust issues too, though I am not sure why. I have had someone hurt me, and it was a long time ago, but sometimes your heart scars and it takes a long time for certain things to come back. Trust your gut, and your heart. Take it slow, what’s the rush? You are 21! Enjoy your time with this man for what it is, and if it becomes something more, then that’s wonderful. If this man really is lucky enough to be with you, he will take the time to earn that trust and show you that he really cares. Worrying about it could get in the way of something really great for yourself! Best of luck to you!

Since you are in school, check out some counseling at the clinic, or possibly even ask your advisor where to find counseling. They’ve heard everything, so this won’t be an issue to him/her. The guy that left you shattered you, and it will just take time, although I think counseling will speed it up some. You ask several times why this guy would like you – and at the same time you are telling us. You’re attractive, you have career goals, you’re smart, and you say that your are a ‘simple gal’. That also means that you come without issues/baggage. ALL good qualities and that’s why he wants to be with you. Does he know about your ex? It probably wouldn’t be a bad thing to tell him the overview of that story – just don’t go into details – but then he would know why it’s hard for you to trust. It sounds like this is a new relationship. Just give it time. You don’t have anywhere to go and you have all the time in the world, so just take it easy, take your time, and gradually you will trust again.

You may never really trust a man again. There are worse things that could happen.

Trust in what you have now. You can never know the future – you can’t know if he will grow out of love with you, nor whether you will grow out of love with him, or if one of you dies, or changes, or whatever. Dream and make plans but don’t fret. It’ll be what it’ll be.

I really like the Split Enz song Stuff and Nonsense, incidentally.

“And you know that I love you here and now, not forever
I can give you the present, I don’t know ‘bout the future,
that’s all stuff and nonsense”

Don’t distrust all of us just because of what a few may have done to you. We are not all like that. Putting us all into one group is sort of a type of “male racism”

@BringsTheKnight: I don’t know. I can only guess it’s because you need to grow more as a person and realize what you bring to the table, besides looks and smarts. Maybe this isn’t the right time in your life to invest in a real relationship.

@dukeG : It’s not that I distrust just men, it’s just that I really don’t trust people in general. The reason men are more the target is because they’re the ones I have romantic/sexual relations with so when they hurt me it hits really close to home.

Maybe we should just say that in matters of the heart, people can be pretty nasty to each other. The ones who are needy or insecure or have low self-esteem get the worst of it. When the powerful partner breaks it off, there is often no explanation that can satisfy the person who has been jilted.

It seems pretty callous to just suddenly start hurting someone and then just stop talking to them. I can understand the desire to act like a stalker, calling over and over and emailing and texting and begging to come back together, and the strong person is just saying, “get over it.” Life goes on, I guess, for most.

What’s even worse is when someone picks up, starts it again, and makes the same mistake again. That’s when you start mistrusting men or women or whatever. Unfortunately, the real person to be mistrusted is the person who keeps on making the mistake.

I could easily point my finger at women and blame them for my problems. But I’m inclined to think that I’m the one to blame. I wish I knew how to change.

@daloon
I know what you mean. It’s maybe more that I mistrust myself in an emotionally dangerous world. I know that there are good men out there. I just don’t know if one would ever want me. (It’s like I’m cursed) This guys seems too good to be true and I’m just thinking that the universe is going to fuck me over and take away my happiness. It’s like I don’t believe that someone so could could ever really like ME and I’m going to do something to screw it all up.

@BringsTheNight Hoo boy! Are you copying from my hymnal? As they say, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, joined the fan club, became a roadie and lived on cheeseburgers for three decades.

The upside is that when you care so deeply, .... oh never mind. People just walk all over you no matter what you do.

If you ever learn the secret about getting over this, please send me a signed copy of your book. I swear I’ll read it cover to cover!

Haha, all I’ve been doing to help me deal is dating (no, NOT sleeping with) A LOT of people. I’ve always thought: “The solution to pollution is dillution”. ;) This guy however, is the first one I’ve really liked on more than just a physical level since I’ve started dating again and i really don’t want to fuck it up by sleeping with him too soon. The problem is that I really want to, but I’m afraid that if I do I’m just gonna make myself look easy and drive him away that way. But if I don’t do it soon enough, maybe he’ll think I’m not interested or just have a lot of hang-ups.

You have to talk to him about what your thoughts are. Surely he’ll take the lead in this area? If he isn’t open to discussing this and respecting your feelings and wishes, do you really want to move forward with him?

Oh God, I know. It is so hard to think well enough of yourself to be able to do this. I suppose this sounds ridiculous coming from someone who can’t do it either, but you are worth taking care of. Respect yourself, and the others will respect you, too. Just do it! If you can’t do it yourself, then do it because some wuss on the internet told you to. It will work out. You’ll see.

It will take time, future dates don’t call them Dates! Consider them as Meetings, Lunches and the like- Focus on THAT moment and make it the Best! then if it doesn’t work you know you were There and Present the whole time!