At what point should I say "enough is enough" in my relationship?

It sounds like he’s trying to push you away, consciously or unconsciously, at the moment when what seems like a big step is coming up..testing your limits..he might lose you in the process if he doesn’t shape up…I know that you’re in the midst of planning a wedding and taking a step back when plans are in motion is the last thing you want to do but if you don’t pause and re-assess, believe you me, there will come a point later where you might be unhappy enough to say ‘what the fuck was I thinking? who cares if the wedding was perfect?’ ...I’ve been there…I had the perfect wedding, yet I shouldn’t have gotten married…it makes no difference in the long run…if you’re seeing red flags, chances are they won’t go away after you get married – nothing magically changes…and then if you start thinking about children, it only all gets worse…if you’re scared to marry him, you shouldn’t marry him…you should feel completely at peace with your decision to marry someone ..I’m sorry this is happening but it’s not too late..

Run! Unless you want 60 years more of this.

I know how that can be. Sometimes I find myself picking fights with my SO, whom I love to death. I don’t know why I do it. And sometimes it seems like he’s picking them with me, especially when he’s still upset about something that we agreed to put behind us. Sometimes in the middle of an argument or a tiff, I wonder if a person who could act like that is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I still struggle with this, but I tell myself that it’s just one of the “downs” and it’ll pass. It always does.

It sounds like you should think about postponing the wedding for now, while you figure out if this is just cold feet, a rough patch, or something more serious.

5 years is a long time to throw away over a bad couple of months. My question is, why is all this just getting to you now? It seems like his behavior is something you are used to, or at least put up with. What has changed for you?

Is this the person you want to be with the rest of your life? Is this the type of relationship you want the rest of your life? If you have red flags going up, you need to heed them.

Would he be willing to go to counseling with you? Better to handle this before you walk down the aisle than after many years, and possibly children.

Everyone is saying to heed red flags, but there will always be something wrong with someone. D’ya know what I mean? (BTW, I’m not trying to hijack your thread @ItalianPrincess1217 ; I need some help myself.)

@La chica gomela I know exactly what you’re saying about agreeing to put something behind you but then having him bring it up in the future. He can’t let the past go. God forbid I make a mistake! I’m just not sure how I can personally help him stop holding grudges…

@tinyfaery He has always been this way and I have dealt with it in the past and put up with it. Nobody is perfect and I would excuse his imperfections for the most part. But recently it’s unbearable. It’s happening more often and it’s taking it’s toll on me. And I think the reason it’s gotten to the point where I have to actually ask Fluther for help (embarassing) is because of the wedding. Marriage is a huge thing. It’s supposed to be lifelong. And now I’m noticing more and more how dealing with his insecurity issues for an entire lifetime would be very hard for me.

@ItalianPrincess1217 this is all important stuff to consider – you are right to be cautious, many people aren’t.
@Facade bad habits, little flaws…sure…but not red flags…if you don’t deal with those, it’s your fault that you end up later in something you didn’t want.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir So red flags differ from bad habits in that they will have you ending up in a relationship you don’t want? And if the things that bother you don’t make you feel as though you’ll regret the relationship, they aren’t red flags? Forgive me if this is ignorant, but I have no idea.

@Facade Absolutely. I agree. Everyone has something wrong with them. Unfortunately having jealousy and insecurity issues is a big problem. And to actually have those issues hold me back from having a normal lifestyle is unacceptable. Example:
-He doesn’t want me to have a job where other men will be employed.
-He says I can go out and have fun but after I do, he mopes around the house for the next two days with a sour
puss look on his face.
-He has a way of making me feel guilty when I’ve done nothing wrong.

These things seem unhealthy to me. Don’t you think? Or am
I asking for too much freedom?

Do you feel like the positives of the relationship outweigh the negatives? Because you’ve listed many negative things about him, and I’m sure there are a lot of positives too, but it’s hard to tell from this post. I would say, that when you start feeling like this relationship is doing more harm than good for you, that’s when “enough is enough”. When it has more pros than cons and starts to be more of a hassle and a pain than it is a pleasure, overall.

@ItalianPrincess1217 Whoa! No working with other men? I’m very sorry to say that this does not sound healthy to me at all. You’re not asking for too much. The things you just described are things which happen in ordinary life. Man oh man, that must be tough :(

@ItalianPrincess1217 Unhealthy. You should be with someone who sees you as a partner and an individual, not a possession he can put ridiculous limits on.

@Facade red flags give you a feeling in your tummy…they make you worry that you won’t be able to accept them for long…bad habits, little things – those are different because you come to accept them and it doesn’t bother you…they become endearing…I am a big fan of trusting one’s instincts and gut feelings…sometimes you don’t know why your heart does a double take but it’s a good thing to listen…

in my own relationship, everything gets discussed…there are no bad habits that we can’t stand about each other…we have built a life together that is focused on keeping each other happy…I think he is perfect in many many ways…anything negative is negligible compared to the positive…and there are NO red flags…

After all this time together, you two should know each really well. you said the magic word….....red flag!. his true colors are now showing. did you not notice his insecurity back years ago? you have devoted 9 years of your life to this individual. if you two are still debating on issues, you need to run, not walk away. how you have tolerated this person this long is beyond me. enough is enough and nine years is enough. the next train leaves Boston in 45 minutes. you should be on it. ever heard of reverse psychology? sounds like he’s really good at it. john

@ItalianPrincess1217 asking? asking?! this isn’t 18th century – it’s not about freedom…it’s about having someone in your life that makes you feel amazing and that supports, not stifles you.

Ann Landers used to ask the question, “Are you better off without him?”. I am just out of a 10 year relationship with a man who needs lots of support, or just likes it! I feel like a weight is off my shoulders. 6 mos ago I would have said I wouldn’t want to live without him but now I’m not walking on eggshells. And he would get mad at things a week or two old as well. Hard to take.

You said:
-He doesn’t want me to have a job where other men will be employed.
-He says I can go out and have fun but after I do, he mopes around the house for the next two days with a sour
puss look on his face.
-He has a way of making me feel guilty when I’ve done nothing wrong.

He is obviously passive aggressive. What do you think he is trying to accomplish?

The controlling/jealous aspect is not okay. That is definitely a “red flag”.

You 2 need to talk about what you want from your relationship. Until you two agree on what you want for yourselves and each other, marriage is not the best move. I really hope I am not offending you. It is not my intention.

@deni I used to think the positives outweighed the negetives. But not lately. Don’t get me wrong he is an amazing guy. He would do anything for me (except change himself and work on his damn issues). He’s a very kind person. I can’t recall a time where he has purposely tried to hurt me. He just does it without realizing the effect it’s having on my emotions.

I can’t put all the blame on him. There was a time (in the beginning of our relationship) that I cheated. And after many years of trying to prove myself to be trust worthy, it doesn’t seem to have worked. He is just as suspicious as always. I stopped everything for him. I stopped going out. I stopped talking to my friends (even girls). I quit my job because he thought there were too many “scumbag horny men” at the office. I’ve allowed him complete access to my emails, texts, etc, so he can check (if he wanted to) and make sure I am not doing anything behind his back. What else can I do? It’s time I start getting my life back. But he’s not happy about that.

@ItalianPrincess1217 It is not a good sign that as you’re planning your wedding to this person you’re also wanting to “start getting your life back.”
There were so many warning signs in your last post, I hardly know where to begin.
A person you’re committing to for the rest of your life should be interested in working on his issues.
A person you’re committing to for the rest of your life should be at a point where they forgive your past mistakes. Or you should break up if he can’t.
A person you’re committing to for the rest of your life should want you to have friends.
A person you’re committing to for the rest of your life should trust your opinion about where you work.

@tinyfaery You’re not offending me at all! Everyone has been so helpful so far. I’m very thankful.

What Likeradar said, times two.

this is all wrong. i’m sorry

I think part of the reason I have let this slide for so long is because I blame myself. I tecnically did cause this by cheating. No matter how young and stupid I was. No matter how sorry I am and how much I regret it, I did cause some of his insecurities. So I gave him time to recover and heal. I have done everything I can (within reason) to earn back his trust. Maybe it’s just not possible? Maybe I’m wasting my time and energy on something he can’t change?

@ItalianPrincess1217 it is hard for some people to get over the fact that their partner cheated but the solution to that is either a break up or an attempt (that should have been made in the years that followed) to regain trust…that is trust, not control over where you work, how you live, etc. and p.s. you didn’t ‘cause’ a lot of what you describe..he caused a lot of it himself

woah woah woah. he doesn’t want you to have a job where other males work? that is unrealistic and sort of ridiculous on many levels. how does he expect you to find work?!

@ItalianPrincess1217, I read your question and my first thought was that it sounds like he thinks you’re spending money on a wedding that he doesn’t feel you all need.

I noticed that in your question, you said “I’m supposed to be planning my wedding” not “we’re supposed to be planning our wedding” or “I’m supposed to be planning our wedding”, Is it possible that the wedding has become this stressful “thing” that’s being blown out of proportion and has become an elephant in the room? Is the wedding becoming something surreal and it’s getting in the way of your relationship? I know from your other posts that you didn’t seem to have relationship problems until the wedding planning started. You all have been living together as if you were married for the last 4 years.

Is the wedding becoming a bigger “thing” than in should be? Just asking, because it’s not uncommon that it does. Weddings are stressful. It’s a wonder some people survive to make it to the altar.

@ItalianPrincess1217 Hold on a second-

Yes, you cheated and that can create a very stressful, pained and rough environment. However, it’s not your fault if he can’t work through this in a healthy manner. That’s his issue, not yours.

@Simone Thats what I figured. I’ve sat him down, both in the past and recently, and told him that I needed to know whether or not it was something he would be able to recover from. He promised over and over that he forgave me and would stop bringing it up and holding it over my head. But years later, nothing has changed. And I understand what I did was wrong but if he knows in his heart that he’ll never fully trust me again, he should be fair to himself (and me) and end things. Right? I’ve done my part to fix my issues. What about him? If he can’t fix himself, shouldn’t he be able to walk away?

@ItalianPrincess1217 Listen to his actions, not his words. And to flip your statement around, if he’s not willing to work on himself, shouldn’t you be able to walk away?

@ItalianPrincess1217 I don’t know how you do it and continue to do it – I resent people for being unable to change when they know they have a problem – I have really high standards, I suppose but I simply can not respect an adult that doesn’t address an issue with their character that they know is an issue…if he promised over and over and never delivered…meh, he’s not dependable and in a marriage the other person should be your strength…with a good core and consistency…kind of makes it sound like a partner is a tree to you…but that’s how it is…you’re trees to each other

Ok, now I’m going to strongly recommend the counseling. Put the wedding on hold right away and deal with this stuff, beginning to end. Either he can trust you fully, or he can’t. If he can’t, you need to walk away. Yes, you cheated. You shouldn’t have to pay for it for the rest of your life.

@PandoraBoxx I can see how you might think so but actialy the wedding planning has gone smoothly. And the only reason I said I am planning the wedding is because I seem to be the only person involved. He writes the checks and I handle everything else. So no, I don’t think it’s the wedding planning that is putting stress on us. I haven’t made a big deal out of it. I actually chose to downsize so it was less hectic and circus-like. But it’s possible that this stress has been caused by the fact that we are getting married in less than a year and he’s always been a bit afraid of commitment.

@ItalianPrincess1217 not to sound like an asshole, but can you list 5 good things you love about him?

I’m always wary of these questions because they are always one-sided. It’s hard to say if he really is not good for you or if you’re just showing one side. It’s hard for me tto say oh he’s terrible when you may have faults that make you act in horrible ways as well. But I think pre-marriage counseling is always a good idea.

@hug_of_war I agree with you to a degree…if these weren’t real problems, she wouldn’t be wording them that way, though

@Likeradar Yes and no. The reason I haven’t walked away is because I’ve been holding out for him to do what he’s promised and work through his issues. But it’s becoming clear that he may not ever change. So yes, I may have to be the one to walk away. I was just hoping for the best before I made such a life altering choice. We just bought a house together. It’s difficult to just up and leave when I keep being reassured that he’ll try to fix his issues. But actions speak louder than words I suppose.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir oh I’m definitely sure there are problems, I’m just wary of assigning blame when when couples have problems it’s easy to forget they both usually contribute

I agree with @augustlan. Go to counseling together before walking away.

I would say you two definetely need to put the wedding second to figuring out the core of your problems first. You can’t put your life on hold (like not working with other men) for this person to be secure. Marriage won’t make him feel anymore secure about you, no offense. He definetely needs to commit to working and making these changes. If he already has, you need to be asking yourself whether you are willing to put up with those things for the rest of your life. People can change, but if he has committed to working on this some time ago, I would be wary of making a lifetime committment to someone. I was with someone for six years hoping that he would “change” those things that wreaked havoc on our relationship. He never did, and I finally left. I loved this man more than anything too, so that was not the reason I left. I hope that some counseling and connecting will fix your problems. Best of luck

@Simone Five things…Wow this may be harder than I thought.
-He’s very caring.
-His heart is bigger than anyone I’ve ever met.
-He loves me, without a doubt.
-He supports me in many ways, just not in ways that I need support in (like having my own social life)
-He shows me tons of affection
and love (when we aren’t fighting)

There’s five. But here’s the thing…the entire time I was typing good things about him, in my mind I was thinking “He’s loving but he smothers me. He’s caring but he’s so overbearing, etc.

@ItalianPrincess1217 yet from what you’ve said above it seems like he’s not all that caring and his heart has a grudge and if he supports you in ways you don’t need support it, that’s not support is it? just kicking it all back at you so that you can see how it sounds

@Simone Yes you’re right. I just hate to think that it might be possible that I wasted so many years of my life just to give up. I will try to convince him to start therapy with me. As @hug of war said, it’s not him alone that has issues. I have a set of my own problems also. The thing is, my issues aren’t directly effecting our relationship in significant ways. And I’m trying to show an unbiased pov as much as possible. It’s hard because I’m trying to show everyone what the problem is without pinning all the blame on him. I did admit that the initial problem was
my cheating.

@ItalianPrincess1217 no years are wasted years but one must realize when a person they’re with is just a linker..that is if all the people you’re with are just links in a chain to the person you’re meant to be with…you should thank them for being a linker and move on…if that’s what you decide to do , look back fondly on the good things and remember the bad so that your standards improve…

Like @Simone_De_Beauvoir said, you will not have wasted your time. It’s so true what was said about it being a link to the life you are meant to have. My ex of six years is the reason I met the person I am with now, and I am incredibly happy. I am thankful for what that relationship taught me, because it made me realize that my standards weren’t as high as they should have been, and I learned what I needed to work on and what I expected out of a partner. If that’s the road you should choose, don’t think of it as a waste. It is another step towards what you need and deserve.

It’s perfectly normal to have jitters but constant bickering may require some serious thought. Don’t forget your Fluther fling exception either.it’s in the wedding contract
I am available for a pinch hitter make up sex session..I mean if he runs out and pulls a Tiger woods on you :) Giggedy giggedy goo

Thank you all for your input. I really needed to hear someone else’s opinion on this matter. Sometimes even when it’s the same thing I’ve been telling myself for a month, it helps when someone on the outside says it. I think I’ll check into
counseling first. I hope things aren’t too far gone. And hopefully I can recover from the emotional damage that’s been done and I won’t forever resent him for holding me back in life.

Look if you really truly love him then i suggest you stay with him if you don’t therefor you need to take action If he wasn’t like this when you were together than maybe he’s just getting cold feet men have weird ways of dealing with situations. I suggest maybe you guys should take a break and see if you like your life without him or if your unhappy with out him.

@ItalianPrincess1217
I’m here for you

If things are not working now, it will only get more difficult after you are married. You are in the honeymoon phase when everything should seem wonderful….things only get more difficult after marriage when reality really hits…..if it is not working now, I would say, run….

Hmmmm. I guess I feel bad for both of you. It’ s a crappy situation. To throw in a different point of view, I have been, in fact am currently in, his shoes. My current gf cheated, but because I genuinely love her and care for her and dreamed of a future for the two of us, I also agreed to forgive her and put it behind us so we could move forward. And I also looked hard at what I may have been doing, or not doing, to cause her to stray. In the end, we both decided to put it behind us and move on. However, this has proved much harder for me than I thought it would be. That violation of trust is huge, and very difficult to get over. I still have a lot of bitter (read: hurt) feelings over this, and it has not been easy to just “forget.” I still have a hard time trusting her, and I still am hurt, and it still creeps into my mind quite often, even when things are fine between us. To be honest, I’m not sure what to do myself. It has caused me to become a little insecure and possessive, things I never was in the past. It’s a viscous circle and I’m not sure how to get out of it, either.

I’m not sure if this has been constructive for you at all, but I figured an alternate view might be helpful.

On a final note, I would agree with many other people here who have suggested counseling.

Good luck to both of you.

@tb1570: Wow, thanks for sharing your perspective. What a great answer!

@tb1570 Great answer. Thanks for giving me a different perspective on the situation. How long ago did she cheat? Have your trust issues improved at all since then? Do you feel like you’ll ever be able to trust fully again?

@SeventhSense LOL I lurve you.

Italians make my blood boil.

@ItalianPrincess1217 good luck in whatever you choose to do about this current dilemma!

@SeventhSense i’m italian HELLO HAVE YOU SEEN MY MUSTACHE? :D

Aaaaahhhhh!!!! Make it stop…MOMMMYY!!!!!

sniff

SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH

@SeventhSense Italians make your blood boil?? Why did you agree to marry me then? :(

Don’t marry on a shaky foundation like this. Marrying will not make things better. I would put the wedding plans on hold. If he is really trying to push you away, this gives him a time to just walk out. And if he does, consider yourself lucky.

When you don’t feel like it’s not working for you and if you’re feeling cheated or anything like that.

@ItalianPrincess1217 It happened a few months ago. I have tried to forgive and forget, but, like I previously said, it has turned out to be much easier said than done. Images of the two of them together seep in to my mind at various times, sometimes in the middle of the night, and I’ll wake up and watch her while she sleeps, and picture the two of them together. I know it’s terrible, and I really try to force it out of my mind, but so far I have been unable to do so completely. It’s a terrible feeling. When I wake up at night and have those thoughts/feelings/images running through my head, I just want to wake her up and hold her and have her tell me everything is ok, but my pride and my damn ego stop me from doing so and I end up laying there in bed awake all night nursing my wounds and harboring my bitterness. As of now, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to trust her completely again. I also don’t know where to go from here. Sorry I can’t help you more.

@ItalianPrincess1217 – you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. I’m glad you could turn to fluther. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. These gut feelings of yours are important to pay attention to. It’s not too late. Don’t get married until you’re certain. Don’t blame yourself – if he was willing to forgive you, he should have forgiven you. He’s saying he’ll forgive you, but not showing you. Pay attention to his actions. If this is important to him, he will go to counseling with you.

Women have a tendency to take men on as a “project”. Don’t do it. He doesn’t sound very mature and emotionally ready to take on marriage.

It won’t go away on it’s own. He has to want to make this work, and work to change himself.

As missugibbo said, maybe he’s just getting cold feet and dealing with it in weird ways (although that’s not what it sounds like from this thread). But I do not think a break/trial separation is a good idea. Flip flopping with a man you’ve been with for this long and are about to make a life altering commitment to is not a good idea. I say either break it off completely or take the marriage counseling route (i’m in favor of the counseling).

@ItalianPrincess1217
In a good way legs….

@SeventhSense Ohhhhh. Ok then :)

I just wanted to update my fellow Fluther friends on the situation. For the first time in a long time my fiancé and I had a deep and meaningful conversation while actually remaining calm. We got to share our feelings and put ourselves in each other’s shoes. The entire atmosphere felt different. I didn’t feel like I was being suffocated anymore. Once he finally said those magic words, “I understand where you’re coming from” I instantly felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I think we have made a giant leap forward today and I’m optimistic that things will finally start to improve. Thank you all for your suggestions. I took much of your advice and things are looking up :)

@ItalianPrincess1217 great news.

That’s great news. Just keeping being open and honest with each other.

@ItalianPrincess1217 I’m happy to hear that!!

@ItalianPrincess1217 – talking about it is a good sign. I’m happy for you and glad you feel optimistic.

@all :)

See…everything’s OK..grab your binky and take a nap now..

@SeventhSense I’m way ahead of you…

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. I believe you answered your own question. You have to feel comfortable, if every day you return home you are afraid to open your mouth because ” He’s picked a fight with me almost every single day for the past month or so.” You never will know what to say or not that will cause a fight. If you don’t do this or you do happen to do that a fight can or will happen. That is not comfortable and you can’t have peace of mind if you are not comfortable. When you don’t have peace of mind ” Our sex life is dying off. I feel very little physical connection with him anymore.” If you can’t feel passion for him because you are too worried about the fight that will happen the moment you have your clothes on again, maybe because you failed to reach the big ‘O’ causing him to feel more insecure, or he could not keep it up and it would be because you didn’t bring the heat, or something else. If you had a car you were so unsure of would you take a trip through Death Valley in it? Always wondering if you’d make it one more mile? I would step back and take some time off and see if you felt better and more at ease. Sometimes you can love someone deeply but you just can’t live with them; been there done that.

Not one to give advice, but life is too short. If you don’t have trust now, when will you? Call it off. Go your separate ways. If you get married, dont have kids because it is only a matter of time. You aren’t happy; he doesn’t trust you; youv’e already lost your sense of self. Find someone else.