Why is my girlfriend so close-minded about sex?

If she’s not comfortable she’s not comfortable. Your penis isn’t going to fall off without constant sex. Either learn some patience, learn how to use your hand, or dump her for someone more willing to have sex.

If you can’t find ways to connect intimately without having sex, then it’s your problem, not hers.
If this is the case, dump her, find someone who wants to fuck and stop bitching about it.
Perhaps instead of pondering the ways in which you could get her to sleep with you, you should focus more on WHY she seems to be so reserved and/or turned off about it. That is the more selfless approach.
But, if you want to be selfish about it, again, dump her and find somebody else.

From the sound of it there are only 2 realistic options. Either accept things the way they are, as it doesn’t sound like she’s going to budge. Or find someone that you’re better suited to.

You either accept the way she is or you don’t.

If you can’t accept how you girlfriend chooses to express herself sexually, it’s probably best that you find somewhat you’re more sexually compatible with.

I wouldn’t say she’s close-minded, maybe sex just isn’t her thing. Not all people want sex on a regular basis. It sounds like you do, so if it really affects you that you are willing to almost pressure or convince her to have sex just shows that you probably aren’t right for her. Either accept it or move on but don’t try and change her.

I know I’m going to sound sooooooooo old fashioned here but why does not wanting to do it in a car or around your partner’s (or your own) parents make her close minded. I think she just sounds like a very decent young girl who has respect for herself (and I applaud her for it). As I’ve said elsewhere on fluther, I was raised by my Grandmother so maybe my morals/views are more 1920’s than 1970’s, but she always used to tell me that the kind of girl a guy married is not the same kind of girl he “knocks about” with. I apologise in advance but it does sound like what you are looking for is a source of always available sex on tap and this girl doesn’t sound like a “put it about” kind of girl. If you can’t respect this girl she’d be better finding someone else who can sweetheart. Good god I must sound awful to young ears but I swear you’ll understand better when you’re older and are looking around for a girl to settle down with, or maybe further in the future when you have a daughter whose boyfriend is pressuring her to do things she doesn’t want to do. honest.
hugs xx

It sounds like you do care about her, but it also sounds like your just wanting to get your dipstick a little more playtime. Thus the flaming your getting.

@FishGutsDale he hasn’t been “flamed” at all. He asked a question, and has gotten some very civil answers I think.
hugs xx

She doesn’t want to put out in your car? What kind of romantic is she? ;)

Seriously, there’s a million reasons why she might not want to get her funk on with you. One obvious one is, maybe she’s afraid of getting knocked up, and then not only being a teenage mom (you guys are teenagers, right?), but having the man (you) disappear when he realizes that sex is not all fun and games. It’s in her best interest not to do this. It could ruin her life, and you get to leave scot-free to woo someone else. Back when I was all about these kinds of shenanigans, it was the major thing I was nervous about, and being nervous kills the sex drive, I assure you.

However, with that last sentence, it sounds like you answered your own question. If she’s going to give you pleasure, you have to make it pleasurable for her – not nervewracking. If she doesn’t like your parents’ house (or your car – for real!), you gotta provide her with a better place to feel comfortable. Have you ever rented a room? Is that what she wants? (Remember, it’s worth paying for quality, and if she’s quality, she’s worth it.) Ask her what makes her comfortable and try to provide that.

And for heaven’s sake, don’t impregnate her. No going in “just for a little while without a condom,” no “I won’t come in you, I’ll pull out, I promise!”. If she says yes, she’s offering to potentially ruin her own life and that of another little human being so you can get your rocks off. That’s a huge sacrifice on her part – treat her like the princess she is.

@bunnygrl i would call yours civil, and it was a good answer, thus the lurve for you. It wasn’t meant to be a digg at you at all. But i do think some responses have been. That is all.

@FishGutsDale on no, I didn’t mean it to sound like I thought you were having a dig at me, really I didn’t. I’m sorry. <hugs>
ps: thank you for lurve too, back at you <hugs>

@bunnygrl No harm. Thanks for the hugs :) haha.

I think you should be more open minded to not having sex all the time. Teenager right? you sound young. You have many years of sex ahead of you that don’t involve cars or parents. You’re a teenager, you’re supposed to be getting well acquainted with righty and lefty.

@Ansible1 and the old pins and needle trick.

@D4v1dm4nn First, I think you worded your question well and it sounds as if you really like your gf and respect her, so I agree with @FishGutsDale that some of the responses you have received have been less than civil, let alone constructive. Still, some of their statements strike at what may be the core of your problem. Extreme differences in sex drive can be a very big problem in any relationship. I agree with you that love making is a good way (albeit not the only way-[but perhaps the most fun way]) for a couple to connect physically, and emotionally. I know I also would have a very difficult time being with someone who only liked to make love once a month. Sex, to me, is a very important part of a relationship, and don’t worry, many other people feel the same. To me it is an expression of love and care, and intimacy, not to mention a way to bring two people closer and strengthen their emotional and physical bond. So, I understand where you’re coming from. She doesn’t want to make love to you very often and to you this feels like a slight, or even worse, like perhaps she doesn’t care about you as much as you do her. The only thing to do is try to talk to her about it openly and honestly, and see where that takes the two of you. Still, try to look at it from her point. Maybe there is something that doesn’t make her feel overly, er, romantic. Maybe she’s worried that you don’t really care about her, or even worse that you look at her as only a tool to satisfy your carnal desires. Also, the places you mentioned I don’t think come up high on any young ladies’ list of “most romantic places.” Maybe she just feels uncomfortable. Begin just by talking to her about your feelings without pressuring her. Maybe try to find ways to make her feel more comfortable, set the mood better, little by little—baby steps. Also mention there are many things you can do to express your feelings for each other physically with out having to do “it.” Even just cuddling on the couch for hours while watching a movie can be a way to bond with someone and make her feel more comfortable. Maybe once she feels more comfortable around you, and realizes that your not just after an orgasm, that you want to genuinely connect with her, maybe then she’ll feel more comfortable. It can be difficult when you’re both young and still living at home, I know. But you are a valid human being with your own needs, wants and desires as well, so don’t discount yourself. This does not in any way mean you have the right to pressure someone to conform to your needs and wants, but I think you already realize that. You have the right to be with someone that likes you, treats you well and is compatible with you. And so does she. Now your job is just to try and figure out if the two of you are really compatible for each other.

Good luck.

Fact from fiction truth from diction. I think bunnygrl has it spot on, as well as a few others, to you connection come only by sex? What happens if she was pitting out anywhere and everywhere and the sex gets old? You move on? Some girls don’t like getting freaky in a car, all manner of things can happen. It would be so romantic to have a park ranger, security guard, or the cops tapping on your window when you are just about to shoot some spunk (and yes, the sarcasm was spread extra thick). What would be worse is having a group of drunken stooges come by and take turns with her while they make you watch. And if you live through it, you can feel neglected afterwards. You want to have the “right time” quit being so cheap and rent a room for the weekend. Better yet, grow up and learn to enjoy her completely not just her naughty bits.

A guy named @Hypocrisy_Central writes that response while using that photo for his avatar??? Is this for real??? It’s too great!!! Really—- I can’t decide if it’s a joke or not! If so, it’s genius!!

4 months really isn’t that long. Just be patient. You can connect to her physically without having sex every day.

Really, 4 months means that you must have complete access when ever you want?
A car. Your parents place. You are truly a romantic! I can’t understand why any girl wouldn’t go for that! I mean the thrill of getting caught by one of your family members or being spied by stangers. Who can pass that up? That sounds like such a pleasant opportunity for any young girl.
I think you read too much Playboy. I’m really not meaning to sound mean, I just want you to hear what you are saying. You are basically saying to this young lady that for you, getting it on should be more important than her feelings or comfort. Just because she is your girlfriend does not give you liciense to her vagina. She doesn’t think of sex as just two people humping whenever the need arises, but rather she probably loves you and thinks that making love should not be rushed and done when she has enough privacy to share herself with you without looking over her shoulder. Either learn to deal and get some porn magazines to keep Jr. happy or don’t string this girl along, and find someone else who views sex as just getting your rocks off.

Sex in a car is not romantic, it’s uncomfortable and a bad parody of a 50’s teen movie. All it needs is a police officer shining a flashlight into the car, and recognizing your girlfriend to complete the “romantic” illusion. Ditto with having sex in your girlfriend’s house. The idea of the possibility of having your parent or sibling walk in on you really puts a girl “in the mood.” And last but not least, the possibility of pregnancy while in high school—you sail off to college while she either rearranges her plans to care for an infant or has a abortion. That, too, really puts a girl in the mood.

What can you do about it if you really care about your girlfriend? Keep it in your pants, and take care of it on your own time.

You must remember this…....its her body, not yours. if you are not happy with this sexual arrangment with her, then look elsewhere.

YAY @Pandora

@deni , THANKS! :)

What really caught my I in this response (well, that, and your youth that brings a giggly fit of fond memories) is that you said that the not having sex makes you feel like you are just friends.

If this is really the case, it suggests that the reason you consider yourself his boyfriend, instead of just being friends with her, is that you wish to get sex. But obviously, this is not working out, as she does not want to do it as much as you do. This suggests that the reasons why she considers herself your girlfriend are other things than sex.

Now, you guys have a problem right there you might want to take a look at, together.

And seriously – a young woman not wanting to have sex where outsiders might see or hear is not close-minded, it’s completely normal and sensible. Be a gentleman about it.

She is not closed minded, you are not open minded.

Both of you are different. Different as to how you see things at this stage of life.
Since it does not work for you, find someone that it will. If that is what is important to you.

Since when does sex have to be about the perfect place, the perfect setting and all kinds of romantic? get real, people…sex can be great anywhere, it’s called passion and it’s called wanting someone on the spot…you don’t have to wait for it…you know why? because you don’t want to wait for it…

to the OP: sounds like your sex drives are different…if you don’t want to put up with it and she doesn’t want to consider your feelings and it seems she thinks you don’t consider hers, have a good long talk again…there is nothing wrong with wanting more sex and there is nothing wrong with not wanting sex…only you know whether or not you can accept her current level of activity…

Sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a long talk and get this problem out in the open so that you guys are on the same page. After discussing the problem, you guys can make an intelligent decisions about the future of your relationship.

BTW, as you get older, your attitude about sex will change. Sex is a beauty thing if it is done “in love” and not in lust! Huge difference!

Communication is everything in a relationship.

Take care!

@Cotton101 there is beauty in love and lust

She deserves better than to be doinked in the backseat of your Protege. She wants it to be perfect, and, frankly, if you really wanted to impress her and be a gentleman, you would understand and respect that. If, however, you simply want to get your rocks off, and you’re looking for a warm hole, keep pressuring her.

Just remember, you are representing the rest of us men, either way you decide to go. Please don’t make us look bad.

loll..Simone, that would be true…there is a time and place for both!

“want to get your rocks off, and you’re looking for a warm hole, keep pressuring her.”

Yes do that. You will eventually get what you wish for. A warm hand to make love to.

@Poser – GA.

What were the circumstances when she did have sex with you? How is the relationship other than the sexual issues?

Just as guys have problems performing when they’re stressed (ex: worried about being caught by parents) gals do, too. Maybe she’s just a little more nervous than the average girl. On top of not being comfortable, she probably senses the tension between the two of you because she’s not giving it up. She probably feels guilty on top of nerves driving her further from being in the mood.

I say just give her time if you really have feelings for her. If the relationship part is good and you want to keep her, continue to be there for her. Support whatever decisions she makes. Keep her comfortable, which means no pressure for sex. Enjoy other things together until she’s ready. Masturbation is your friend.

On the other hand if this is too much for you and you’re no longer enjoying the relationship, then it’s probably time for you to move on. Maybe the two of you can meet up another time when she is more ready.

and thinking about Simone, usually lust comes before love.

To clarify my previous answer, there were times when I was a teenager, that I let my hormones do the thinking for me. I regret those times, and I regret that I probably hurt women in the process. I should have had the willpower to control my hormones, instead of the other way around, been the gentleman, and become a better person for it.

Trust me, not having sex now, with this woman, will not affect the rest of your life. Be the man she deserves.

@Cotton101 as it should because I have no idea how we’d ever fall in love without talking

@Simone_De_Beauvoir, you would be very correct!

By the way, its hard to want to have sex all the time when you have to worry about people hearing you, parents coming home, etc. When I was dating my first boyfriend we both lived at home so there was rarely a time when we were alone, and that made it hard to do anything and if we did we had to be quiet and make sure no one was coming up the steps or in the next room and the bed wasn’t creaking or whatever. It sucks. Be patient!

@deni Or you can try to get away with things and encounter situations where you’ll surely regret those decisions. Word to the wise: parents always come home early.

@RedMosquitoMM yessss. so do brothers. quietly. awkward :(

Oh my god. I was in a relationship like this. After the first couple of weeks, we probably had sex maybe twenty times in two years.

It sucked. And the more I kept bringing it up or trying to hit on her, the more she pushed me away and got annoyed with it. It got to the point where if I even mentioned sex, she would get defensive.

I don’t know what to tell you, because that shit just didn’t work for me.

There is one thing I forgot to say. The fact that either of you have to sneak around and have sex in her home is extremely disrespectful to her parents and any siblings she or you may have. My mother told me, I could have all the sex I wanted when I was grown and living under my own roof and could afford to live with any accidents that may occur (children) and I couldn’t have agreed with her more and I didn’t have sex till I moved out. I found it was easy to stay chaste by asking myself the following question. (Do I want to be a teenage mom with the possibility that the guy I’m sleeping with may not want to settle down and have a family) When you are the girl all the responsiblity falls on your shoulders. Do you abort or not abort? If you do can you live with the consequences and the guilt for the rest of your life? If you keep it, do you have to raise it alone because dad may skip? How do you raise your child and tell them not to be reckless with their sexuality when they know you were with yours? How do you explain to your crying child that dad can’t be bother with their birthday because he has another family?
Sex sounds all great. Like sneaking out to hang with your friends or sneaking a drink at a party, but it comes with a lot more responsibility. And all the condoms and all the birth control pill in the world doesn’t guarantee a thing. I had a friend who got pregnant with an IUD and my brother got his girl friend knocked up three times. She was on birth control and they both swore they used protection as well. They didn’t tell anyone till she had to keep the 3 child. She had already had two abortions and couldn’t have any more. Well it only takes one sperm and birth control can be forgot one day and you’ve got a problem. Abortions shouldn’t be used as a form of birth control either. Self conrol is the best form of birth control there is. Sorry for the lecture but you need to see there is more involved than your sex life. Someone elses life may depend on your impulses someday.

@Pandora touche!

@Cotton101 Thanks. I hope he gets wise!

@Pandora chaste? all responsibility falls on the girl? are you living in this century or what? there is no reason to make all of this sound so preachy..it is condescending to think that no one ever considers consequences and look at my friends are such whores, omg! give the OP more credit.

uh, Simone, that is her beliefs and the way she was raised. personally, loved her comments.

@Cotton101—okay, so give it a GA…being raised one way or another shouldn’t everyone else must live that way too…nor does loving someone’s comments means they’re infallible—-

cool..you can express your beliefs and allow her to express her’s! don’t see where a personal attack is necessary!

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Although responsiblity should be equal, mother nature made it not so. The fetus is in the mothers body making the decision to abort hers and rightly so since it is her body. And yes I do live in this century. There is no reason to surrender respect for your parents wishes. Just because there are many who chose to have underage sex, it doesn’t make it the right thing to do. I am not tell them to wait until marriage, simply that they should wait till they can handle their own consequences and not make it their parents problems as well. And I would’ve given him more credit but lets be real. Anyone who would think his girlfriend is uptight because she won’t do it in the car, doesn’t sound like he’s thinking about anything but himself.

@Pandora I understand all about mother nature and pregnancy ( I am a mother myself ) I never said a word about losing respect for your parents, did I? This seems to be something you strongly believe in and that’s all good…for you but it’s just an opinion…the OP needs advice, not people telling him to be some sort of ‘gentleman’ like that has any normal definition these days…what kind of confusing messages we, as a society, are sending if we say sex is how we define a man’s accomplishment but he also has to not express his feelings about it and just make it all about the girl…it should be equal…they should both expres themselves…

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I never said he couldn’t express himself. However I doubt this is a subject he asks his parents and the thought that sex is what defines a relationship is ludicrous. I also never said it should not be the responsiblity of both parties but he needs to understand that this may also be a possible thought of hers. She may very well fear getting pregnant or she may also feel this is all going to quickly.

@tb1570 Yeah buddy it is very real! And we got together over the love of the game chess, not her chest, booty, or silky fine legs all of which she has. We knew each other as friends more close to a year BEFORE love grew, and it grew out of conversation and learning and appreciating the other person not because she was willing to get naked on her back minutes after I checkmated her king.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Often times it is not the perfect place with wine and roses about, and you do want it now in a carnal way. Many times my girl almost rapes me because she wants it so badly and I at the time didn’t. I willnot say we haven’t both been burning and got freaky in a near empty parking lot but WE BOTH were into it not just one of us. To want to have sex is natural but it is so much better when you have the other person one board and involved the same as you because they WANT TO not because they feel they have to or that is what they SHOULD do.

@Pandora not all parents are understanding or will to discuss sex matters with their children – and it didn’t seem to me that the OP believes sex is what ‘defines his relationship’ – this question pertained to sex because that’s what the issue is about but it’s not all their relationship is about
@Hypocrisy_Central I agree with you – no one should have sex if they don’t want to..otoh, if a person is into sex and isn’t getting it in their relationship, the issue should be addressed…and asking us about it is one of the ways…talking to his gf (my advice) is another way

@Hypocrisy_Central: Fact from fiction truth from diction. If the OP’s girlfriend were randy enough to do it in a car, we wouldn’t have to be answering this question. Yes, there are people who get it on in an alley or a movie theatre, too, in the heat of the moment, but I doubt this guy’s girlfriend is one of them.

Despite the chiding you’ve received here, I don’t think you are wrong to want sex. Judging from the way you worded your question, sex is more than just a physical act for you, since you say you don’t feel as connected to your girlfriend without it. It seems to me that you do care about her.

With that said, I can understand why she doesn’t want to have sex at either of your houses. Thinking about being overheard by parents isn’t exactly a turn on. So you might have to accept that you probably won’t be able to have regular sex (with her or with anyone else) until you move out. As a matter of fact, what’s stopping you from doing that now?

I do think that you should have a discussion with your girlfriend. Wait until you are both feeling peaceful, and not in a passionate moment. Then, tell her what you’ve told us: namely, that you don’t feel as connected to her when sex is infrequent, and you really miss that connection. If you don’t already know the answer to this question, ask her to describe her ideal conditions and list the places that she’d be willing to have intercourse. By asking for her input, you show that you care about her, and that you’re not just seeking sex for its own sake.

If this discussion isn’t productive, you may have to accept that you have incompatible sex drives. She wants it rarely and in perfect conditions, while you want it often. The person who’s less interested in sex always dictates the terms under which intercourse can take place, so if she’s unwilling to make a change, you will either have to accept the situation or prepare to move on. There are definitely girls out there who want sex in a carnal way, as Hypocrisy Central would say.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I don’t think anyone said that sex is how a man should define himself. Perhaps there are elements of society that imply that, but I don’t think most rational people base their life philosophies off of MTV and sitcoms. In fact, I doubt many people, including, perhaps, the OP, have really considered their personal life philosophies. I was simply giving @D4v1dm4nn an alternative to letting his hormones dictate his behavior. Also known as being a gentleman. I’m sorry that you think ideas such as respect for your parents and gentleman-ness are outdated ideas, but please don’t take @Pandora,‘s mine or other civil comments on here as lecturing or judging. We are simply offering him a way to think and act that society no longer seems to value as essential to a young man’s development. To its detriment, if you ask me.

Have you told her that it makes you feel like this? If now, tell her. I think she might be nervous about getting caught. Maybe her parents don’t know that she has sex or something. I would consider yourself lucky for having sex after four months of a relationship, most couples don’t. She might just be one of the girls that is modest about sex, after enough time she’ll get more comfortable with it. My boyfriend and I wanted to try some new stuff when we first began having sex but it took us some time to get around to it. I had to get used to everything. Give her some time. It can only get better!

@poser – again, I never said respect for one’s parents is an outdated idea and in terms of ‘gentleman-ess’ I was saying that people do not have a solid definition in mind when they throw that term around (making it confusing for people to be one)...and if a comment comes off as lecturing, then I will call a spade a spade…it is too just an opinion of mine just like what you think is ‘essential’ to a man’s development is only an opinion of yours and not how one actually has to develop…please lead your life as a gentleman (however you define it) and be happy…I just wanted to make sure the OP understands that we’re not criticizing him…

@laureth Of course this gal is not one to get freaky behind a dumpster, on a pile of coats at some party with everyone peeking in, or on a subway car. If she was thise guy would be in heaven. Whatever her reservations are that is what they are. And rather than trying to find ways and schemes to undermind that just to get the woody serviced, he should find ways to understand those reasons and use care and logic to help her get by them. If he wants to risk all the great things in the relationship that could be had apart from boinking like bunnies it would appear he cares more for his own jollies than her as a whole.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I suppose that we’re on the same page then. I’d take @Hypocrisy_Central‘s comment above as an example of what “gentlemen-ness” is supposed to be. Call it chivalry, call it respect, call it the “golden rule.” It is something that I feel is severely lacking in young men today (as well as ten or fifteen years ago when I was a young man). It is simply not being taught by society, and, unfortunately, by many parents.

However, I believe that in addition to teaching it to young men, teaching young girls to expect it is equally important. When young women refuse to accept to be treated in disrespectful ways, young men will soon learn how they need to act. That is why if I ever have a daughter, I will make damn sure that she respects herself enough that she won’t put up with these sorts of shenanigans from a boyfriend.

@Poser I have sons and they will be taught to respect all people as people but I will explain to them that sex is nothing to fear, avoid, feel ashamed about or never discuss…they should a healthy expression of their sexuality and they shouldn’t feel bad for wanting it…