What does a 40 year old virgin college professor do about his attraction to younger women?

Take a sabbatical in another city or state and post a craigslist ad there?

Prostitutes?

Take him to Las Vegas, I hear they offer some kind of “special service” there. You didn’t hear that from me though.

Specifically about his attraction to younger women- perhaps he should seek therapy to figure out why he doesn’t find people his own age attractive enough to date.

Nothing. He does nothing.

@gemiwing If he were gay would tell him to seek therapy to find out why he’s attracted to guys?

@Factotum Could you elaborate on that?

Tell your “friend” (wink wink) not to worry about it.

@AstroChuck But my friend (wink wink) is very worried about it. Wouldn’t you be?

@AstroChuck The reason it’s something to worry about is my friend (wink wink) is very lonely and lies awake at night feeling trapped by this situation.

OK, first, he needs to leave his students alone. I don’t think that he should be afraid to put a profile up on dating websites. He can try to make it a “vanilla” profile, if he has some kinks that he would like to keep private for now. If his students or others see it, so what?! Using the internet for dating is perfectly normal these days. If a student answers his ad, then he should not accept a date with her, of course. It also might be helpful for his friends to set him up with people that they know. I can see that he might be more comfortable with meeting people who do not live in town and/or are not affiliated with his school, but really, what is the shame in looking for companionship?

@AstroChuck Furthermore my friend (wink wink) sees his life slipping away along with his chances of meeting someone he is attracted to whom he could have a relatioship with.

Get him one of these tee’s link

@answerjill Thanks. I’ve been insisting on this point to. But I also forgot to mention he is one stubborn son of a bitch.

@holden I like your suggestion. It’s a good one. Unfortunately it doesn’t apply here for logistical reasons.

Isn’t it about time for him to grow the fuck up at age 40?

@squig alright, but what are your friend’s (wink wink) needs? Does he want a girlfriend, someone to build a relationship with and possibly to spend the rest of his life with, or does he just want to get laid? If it’s the latter, that can be done easily enough. If it’s one of the first two, then he’s going to have to take some risks.

@all Seems like prostitutes are the way to go if I can’t convince this motherfucker to listen to @answerjill‘s very reasonable advice.

@pdworkin Specifically how do you mean? I can see how that could have a wide variety of meanings in relation to my friend.

@holden My friend (wink wink) wants a serious relationship with someone younger than him whom he finds physically attractive. But he’s wondering whether employing the services of prostitutes first might be a good way to get some initial experience sexually.

@squig it’s also a good way to get some experience in getting arrested and having herpes.

Specifically, he could drop his narcissistic idea that he should be seeking sexual companions who are half his age. You say he’s a virgin? Is that because he’s terrified of adults? He sounds like an overgrown child; that’s what I mean.

He could also look at a site like meetup.com to see if there are any social groups that are meeting in his area. The groups don’t have to be just for singles, unless he only wants to go to those—his choice. If he doesn’t want to meet people from his town, he can look for groups that meet in neighboring area (as long as he has transportation).

@pdworkin I don’t think that’s a fair criticism actually. He has a lot of solid relationships with people from all walks of life, just not the women he finds attractive.

@answerjill Great suggestion. Thank you.

@squig If your friend was gay the advice would be the same. Seek therapy to figure out why they can’t date people who aren’t half their age.

@gemiwing Being attracted to younger women is not an illness. I fail to understand why you would make this a therapeutic issue.

@pdworkin @gemiwing Attraction is not always something you can control, nor does it need to be diagnosed.

He could join a dating site and post a very generic profile (not one really intended to get responses) and then he can choose which women to contact. That will keep people he knows from recognizing him.

@Supacase That’s actually a really good idea. Thanks.

Having enjoyed a mutually respectful 5 year relationship with a man 23 years my senior, I would have to agree with @squig “being attracted to younger women is not an illness.” I had never been involved with someone so much older prior to this relationship but would not hesitate to do so again.

@Adagio Thank you for understanding.

@Adagio There is a difference between dating one person in a different age bracket than only dating people half your age.

@gemiwing If so, please explain what that difference is and why you continue to focus on it.

A 40 year old being attracted to a 20 something year old is not all that strange. However, I wonder if he isn’t attracted to women his own age because he feels like he missed out on sleeping with 20 year olds when he was 20 himself. Sorry, I don’t mean to play psychologist… I don’t see what’s wrong with him dating younger women. Maybe if he does this, he will get over his fascination and branch out to other age groups. I’d tell him to go for it.

Edit: I’m not suggesting he date his students.

The problem is not necessarily that he is attracted to women half his age although one can certainly question that. The problem is that he is exposed to a population of women that he cannot date for professional and ethical reasons. It’s kind of like putting the fox in charge of the henhouse. He does need to find a way to meet women – either younger or his age – that he is not teaching. An online dating service or social netwworking site with a somewhat generic post sounds like a great idea. Or the old find a club for an activity that interests him – hiking, sailing, etc.

Also, I have no direct experience of this at all but I question the idea of going to a prostitute for sexual awakening. Are they really going to teach you how to please a woman?

@ubersiren He thinks 20 somethings are hotter – physically. Like you I don’t find this strange at all. In fact many men would feel the same.

@janbb I read that as something of a jest. But I suspect he wouldn’t get much out of that.

That’s what I mean by narcissism: since when is “hotness” a requirement for a loving, reciprocal, adult relationship? This man is still a child.

@Jacket No jest. This is deadly serious. Trust me.

@pdworkin Well then maybe he needs to reach your level of wisdom by sleeping with a few younger women and realizing how painfully unsatisfying it is.

@squig The more you defend the indefensible, the more I think your “friend” is you, in which case there is no use trying to assist.

@pdworkin makes a good point. Perhaps he has relationship and intimacy issues that need to be addressed first – in therapy.

@pdworkin Maybe there are young women out there who has a nag for older men. What’s wrong with them now?

@pdworkin People are people. I have a problem with your insistence that someone his own age is likely to be more compatible for the type of relatilonship he needs. If you’re correct that he is in fact immature then a younger person is probably more compatible with him anyway.

@squig As usual a request for more information means I didn’t read the question right.

Your friend should do nothing with regard to students.

He should date in another small town or the nearby city.

As for joining a dating site he could probably put a baby picture up or a something that isn’t him and say ‘pictures furnished on request.’

I wish him luck – it’s not easy to fish in a small pond.

@Factotum Thanks.

@pdworkin What would it matter if it was me or a friend? It’s the same problem. I’m reaching out for help because I don’t know the answer and I want to help someone who is suffering. It doesn’t sound like your assistance would be of much use anyway. I suppose it’s hard to imagine that someone could want to help their friend so badly that they would represent all of his thoughts on an anonymous forum. Who would do such a thing? Maybe someone who gives a shit.

If you mean that I am unlikely to enable bad behavior, you are correct.

I think you guys are all crazy. Everyone is attracted to different types. It just so happens that he likes younger women. I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 40. It’s not that big of a deal and it doesn’t mean he needs counceling. Maybe he should just wait until a younger girl that he likes shows him that she likes him too. It’s not unusual for younger women to be attracted to older men. Also, maybe he shouldn’t worry too much about what other people think. You know how many people judge me and my boyfriend everyday? A lot!!! Everybody has an opinion! It’s his life and no one elses. The right person will come along soon

I have to think that in part, @pdworkin is onto something. 40 year old male virgin attracted to 20 year olds is attracted to them because they are non-threatening. Yes, 20 year olds are hotter than 40 year olds—their bodies are, in some cases more toned/fit/fresher. And emotionally they’re safer. He’s a cooler, older guy, deemed bright and witty from a 20 year old perspective. His intelligence and is a draw, because compared to guys their own age he’s mature, and “deep.” 20 year old women will not want to examine the baggage he’s carrying around, or question why he made it past age 36 without being married, or wonder what his relationship issues are.

He really has nothing in common with women his own age.

Also, it’s perfectly clear why a younger woman might be attracted to an older man. Women are by nature hypergamous. They tend to marry up in status and in age. They mate discriminantly, and are seeking someone who can provide for them well. Also, as the last poster mentioned, the younger women in this case could easily be attracted to his professionalism and apparent intelligence.

The question is, what does he see in them? I postulate that the body of a 35-year-old woman is not exactly decrepit. What he wants is someone malleable, unchallenging, more inclined to be subservient, validating to him in terms of his masculinity, and above all a person who is not likely to demand adult reciprocity, of which he seems not to have proven himself capable.

@pdworkin not all younger women are as “unchallenging” as you think they are! They’re not all immature. My boyfriend who is 40 must see something in me besides just my looks.

I’m sure you’re extraordinary. I wish I had the guts to ask you out.

@pdworkin : I wasn’t under the impression he was necessarily searching for a relationship at all. I thought he just wanted to break into the dating scene. He’d be more inclined to date someone that he found physically attractive, as most of us are. He will never “grow up” if he’s not given the chance to see for himself that these younger women are just people. The fantasy bubble must be burst. Once he realizes this, he could more easily open up to women of all ages.

Attraction is fine if it isn’t one of his students or a student-to-be.

Troll?

@faye I created a new account specifically to ask this question. I think it should be obvious why I needed to do that. I do not want to leak any hints besides what’s written here about who my friend is.

@barbiedoll It doesn’t matter if it’s a student as long as it’s not someone he’s teaching currently or in the future. There’s no problem with dating a former student. It’s actually within the rules of the school where he teaches. He has verified this.

@pdworkin So what if he wants someone who looks up to him? He wants what he wants. We’re all entitled to a little happiness and if that’s how he gets his, then live and let live. This “bad behavior” you’re referring to – I just don’t see it. Who gets hurt here? Both sides get what they want.

@Justnice Thanks for understanding.

@PandoraBoxx You’ve described exactly why he should be dating younger women. As you said yourself:

He really has nothing in common with women his own age.

@pdworkin How am I defending the indefensible? Obviously my friend’s situation is unusual and not easy for everyone to understand. In that sense it is my duty to defend him, yes.

It is OK for him to date younger woman and get married once he finds a suitable partner for life. However, it is not appropriate for him to date his students. His ex-students maybe, but definitely not one of his students.

@citizenearth Yes of course. I already clarified that to @barbiedoll

Date consenting younger women who are not enrolled at his college.

he can date whoever the hell He wants! As long as he’s not going to get fired then who cares. Just make sure that the girl is over 18 and everything will be fine. Maybe your friend should think about moving to a bigger town where everyone won’t know his business. I think too many people on fluther are too judgemental and some of them are too sarcastic! Some people write really mean things and that’s not cool. If you’re not here to help then get out!!

@squig If you have all of the answers, why ask the question? Go, with my blessing, and have an empty, unfulfilling sexual relationship with a woman half your age, and see how much better you feel about yourself in six months.

@pdworkin: You asked: “If you have all of the answers, why ask the question?”

I only have most of the answers, not all of them. I’m consulting with the experts of Fluther to fill in the blanks.

You also said: “Go, with my blessing, and have an empty, unfulfilling sexual relationship with a woman half your age, and see how much better you feel about yourself in six months.”

From your lips to God’s ears, my friend.

Well as an expert on empty sex, I can tell you right now, you will feel like shit.

Sounds to me like he need to prioritize himself and figure out his sexual nature.