What do you do when you have made a new friend who tellsyou that they have been hurt by people and they have trust issues and they make you feel as though you have to validate everything you say to them?

What about this friendship is valuable enough to give it more time?

@gailcalled We have a lot of things in common so we found. We both lived in the same area as children, both our fathers were in the Army, and many other coincenences that would be to much to type. I felt as though we were meant to meet and believed we would form a strong friendship. I am very loyal to my friends but I am starting to feel as though this may be a one way street. What do you think when some one responds a lot with ‘ic’ and ‘arh’, it just really started to irritate me. Am I just too sensetive?

I have no idea what ‘ic’ and ‘arh’ means, but it would sure turn me off. You are allowed to have your feelings without labeling or judging them.

It seems like your main problem isn’t the way she’s treating you, it’s that you’re not able to let go of your preconceived notion that you would form a close friendship. Obviously, you don’t like how she’s behaving, so instead of saying ’‘we’re just not compatible’’, you’re clinging to the relationship that you thought you would have.

There’s more to a friendship than having similar backgrounds. Yes, that has its value, it can allow you to relate to somebody in a way that you can’t relate to others – but ultimately, personalities are also important, and it sounds like your personalities just aren’t conducive to being friends.

@gailcalled Thanks for your response! I just can’t stop thinking about it and wasn’t sure if I was just being silly. iC is short for ‘I see’ and the ‘arh’...well If it wasn’t written and someone actually said it after evry sentence I spoke then I think I’d be offended. I’m not sure wether I should explain this to her. Peace!

@Carmella Yes your probably right! I have a son who is now 14, his father was kiiled when my son was just a toddler. My sons father had a daughter from a previous relationship. This friend…well her husband is that girls Uncle. And I supose when I found that out I thought that gave us a connection and I wanted my son to have the connection also…as he has lost his father. I shouldnt have expected that I suppose. Hope that wasnt to confusing…cheers!

You’re going to get tired of that crap. You will find other, more liberal friendships.

@Blackberry Thanks !

@Oceanflower.

I can totally understand you wanting that connection, I think I would too. Sometimes you just gotta know when to call it quits though, this doesn’t sound like it’s going anywhere unfortunately. The most important thing is that you can at least say you tried!

In the real world, everything is harsh, depressing and disappointing, and as such, yes, it’s easy to understand that someone like in the example may mistrust everyone, especially if in their past they’ve been dealt the shittiest cards that were available.

It’s known that people who have suffered extensive abuse of any kind, usually in their childhood, will know only that as means of social interaction because it was such an impact for them before, and later use it against people as it was used on them, most especially psychological abuse.

Of course I’m totally generalizing here-may not always be the case, and wouldn’t be able to offer much advice because if it were me, I usually and totally dismiss mind games and guilt trips, and never look back at those people.

This doesn’t mean they’re bad people we should abandon, far from it, nor does it mean they deserve no chance. That will be up to you, and while I’m of no help, I do hope that the above suggestion may help you to understand the predicament and its apparent sources slightly.

However, if this is a person you only know online, it’s a totally different matter which deserves an entire different kind of insight.

@gailcalled I just checked and ARH means Appalachian Regional Healthcare.

Sounds a bit draining to me and the way that she is acting is bound to get old after awhile.

I wouldn’t put myself through that, if I were you. Tough decision, but, if it were me, I wouldn’t want to be apart of it. Sorry.

@gailcalled We are Aussies…arh is like a slight sarcasm…like ‘oh yeah…said in sarcastic tone. But thanks anyway…hehe!

@75movies: That makes as much sense as anything tonight.

@Symbeline Thanks! Yes the mind games and constant feeling of trying to prove your trust and worth can get draining for sure! Peace!

Some people are just like that, unfortunately. I wouldn’t invest too much time in it—maybe just stay acquaintences – if that. Having to constantly walk on eggshells around someone is not worth it, especially if you just met them.

Like @Symbeline said, there are plenty of damaged people out there. Many who have only experienced conditional friendship or love in their lives. The only thing they know is that they have to perform in order to be liked or loved. No one has ever loved them just because. Certainly not their parents.

You grow up like that, and you can spend the rest of your life seeking reassurance. You never quite believe you are the kind of person anyone would want to be around.

Anyway, if you’ve been hurt, then you pay close attention to other people’s stories. If they don’t hang together, then you may not trust the person. Then, when the person you don’t trust gets all defensive, it only confirms your view that they are hiding something.

If you are going to have a friendship, you’re going to have to talk about this directly. Ask her to tell you exactly what it is that she thinks is going on, and why. It may be you can fix her ideas, and it may be that she is living on another planet. You don’t really know this woman yet, do you? Perhaps you should try to understand her better, just to see. But always with the idea that you may not have enough there to put any more energy into it.

@Shemarq thanks! @daloon Yes, I think I will let her know…even if it’s for my own peace of mind. I might be over reacting.Thanks for your input!

I’m not sure how great a friend she is, as insecure as she is. When I make friends and try to be nice to someone so paranoid, they manage to stab me in the back. I wonder if it is almost a test to see if I will still like them. So I don’t make any effort, they have to, and eventually, they trust and like me more, but they’re never a good friend.

@barbiedoll Thanks gorgeous Barbie…yes maybe she maybe pushing some buttons, and as I’m a softy and take a lot of crap I guess I’m just asking to be hurt. Better to stand up for myself…as I never really have before. Just let people walk all over me. My own silly fault. Anyway it’s great to see you here!! Seahippie….now Oceanflower…hehe…Peace!

I understand that people often seek validation, but there’s a limit to how much “fishing for approval” I’ll tolerate.

I’ll give a new friend a grace period to get whatever they need to say out of their system. At some point, I politely request they stop fishing for approval.

@SABOTEUR excellent advice…thankyou!

@Oceanflower: You’re welcome.

If I really wanted the friendship, I’d put forth the effort to earn her trust. When I felt like it was exacting a price I was unwilling to pay, I’d let her go.