What's it like when you're delusional?

Wow, that is heavy my friend! Great question that I will answer later. Got to run, but thank you for the invite. Looking forward to reading the answers and hopefully giving something worthwhile to your question. Not a question that i can answer without a lot of thought.

I believed I was made (a woman) to sleep with men. I spent most of my youth doing just that. I would get so upset when I was called a slut. It was true for anyone on the outside looking in. I was abused badly as a child and thought the only way to a man’s heart was via between my legs. I believed it so deeply that I didn’t care who it was I slept with, I told mysef I was in love with that person, because they were sleeping with me.

I believed they loved me too, and would hold on to that belief even after they beat the crap out of me. I gave them what I thought was love. It took me so many years to figure it all out and when I did I was mortified. I realized I was sleeping with all these men just to feel acceptance. It was the love of my father I was craving and I never recieved. Not the way a father normally loves their daughter.

Then I went even deeper aand discovered I loathed myself and these men were a way of beating myself up because I blamed myself. I allowed these men to use me (I used them too) to relive the shame again and again because thats all I ever deserved.

I went through 3 marriages. All of them during this discovery. I would destroy the marriage once I felt love from them, so I could find someone to abuse me again. It was a cycle that took me forever to break out of it seems. I had 3 kids..one when I was 15. They all have rotten dads. I reget it so much. I didn’t understand, I was so delusional about love and self respect and who was to blame for my abuse.

My children are great kids, don’t get me wrong, but I want so much more for them. I want them to have fathers that love them and care, the cycle kind of repeated itself in a way. I am doing everything I can to show my children now what love is suppose to be, what caring is and what they should have in a partner. I just hope I am not too late.

I have a wonderful husband now, and thankfully I no longer have the self destruct button. I have come to terms with myself, and the abuse and understand the cycle.

I had help a few times over the years, but I wasn’t ready for it. It was not until I had an awaking I guess, that I put all the information I had tucked away to use.

It’s happened to me a few times, usually having to do with a huge hormone rush during PMS. During these bad spells, not only do I become overly emotional and sensitive, I become totally irrational. It’s like living in a bubble where the view of the world is skewed. I’ll take something relatively innocuous and spin a whole story around something that exists only in my head. Like, once I felt all signs were pointing to my best friend being annoyed with and sick of me and everything she said or did seemed to support it. I withdrew, she didn’t call or something, and I interpreted it to mean she wanted a break.

During these delusions, I definitely really believe them for some period of time. When it happens, it feels like being out of sync of reality. Sometimes I even recognize how crazy I’m being but honestly can’t stop it. Then, when reality syncs back up, it’s like a bubble being popped. Suddenly, when I hear the explanation, I look back and feel really silly because how did I ever interpret it that way?

seems you already answered your question, and stirred some deep response, great question indeed!

What you’re describing sounds quite complex. I happen to be bipolar and have suffered delusions. Mine are the classical ones you can think up for yourself. I once believed I could cure AIDS by giving the sufferer 8 apples and a plastic water bottle.

I was totally wrapped up in the idea. I believed to my core that it was right, yet something kept me from revealing it to others, including to my doctors until well after the idea had worn off. It took me about 6 months to get to a place where I could recognize that my idea had no basis in reality.

To me, that’s the key to a delusion. It is utterly irrational, yet the person believes it with all their heart.

It wasn’t the product of my upbringing. It’s not something I brought on myself. It’s part of my mental illness, and I hate it.

Thankfully, I haven’t had a delusion for a long time.

It doesn’t sound like you suffer from delusion but rather you have low self esteem issues.
(Now please don’t take this as gospel because I do not hold a degree in psyhciatry or anything like that) I’m just and observer to your question and your following statement.
You are simply being too sensitive to her moods and you sound as if you don’t believe you are worthy of being loved so you want to reject it before you get hurt.
If I were you I would first consider a physical and rule out chemical imbalances or any other condition or disease. You may simply be suffering from depression.
Delussional people I believe tend to believe in things that are really unlikely to happen. Like you feel the government is tapping your phones, your home, your car and your job even though you’ve done nothing to warrant that. Or Aliens have implanted you with a tracking device and being wrapped in foil paper keeps you safe.

@hawaiijake – fascinating answer.

@hawaii_jake, how old were you when that apple and bottle story happened?

Everything everyone else does seem so right to you!

Example: “This meatloaf tastes soooo gooood!! Would you like to try a bite???” <Sure!?>

@Cruiser…....can you explain further please….... what you mean. Think I’m a lil slooooow tonight.

i think he hates meat loaf…. a lot.

@ninjacolin….......see I told you I was slowwwwwwww tonight. Thanks that makes sense.

@ninjacolin : I was in my early 40s.

@JessicaisinLove I HATE meatloaf!! When I 10, I was deathly ill and in the hospital, my grandma came to visit and being deathly ill I couldn’t and didn’t want to eat anything. But Gmom MADE me eat every last bite of my hospital meatloaf dinner and I gag to this day even thinking about meatloaf…..<<Shudders>>

Temporary delusions can be healthy (up to a point) if your mind needs a time-out able to recharge before it can bear the brunt of reality.

@Cruiser…..oh yuck that does sound awful. No meatloaf for you then.

@hawaii_jake ..do you tell your Doctors everything?

@JessicaisinLove : Absolutely everything.

@hawaii_jake…........OMG

Perhaps a little late after the fact of your asking… but something stood out to me in your question… Or better yet… I was able to identify with multiple aspects of your dilemma. I, too, do the same thing to relationships. I read into things, and for those things I do not know or understand… I make up a “story” to fill in the missing parts. Considering I have trust issues, I tend to lean toward negative gap filling. So I know that I set out to ruin relationships BEFORE I am the one who is hurt, let go, ruined… I know this about myself. But there is a concept that has helped to alleviate at least some of the causes that lead me down this road. I call it the 80% open window. Imagine a square… and from the upper most left hand corner, you have a window that fills 80% (or less) of the entire square. What is in that window are those things we know. Things that we can rest assured of. But the empty 20% is something we know nothing of. The mental picture gives us part of something that should be complete. But then again, this one leaves room for the imagination. What we do not know, we make up to fill it to completeness; right, wrong, or indifferent. The goal in this exercise is to have the window fill 100% of the square… but this is not ways an easy task, especially in a reationship. In order to do that, one must be able to communicate with openness and honesty. In a relationship, it boils down to two people being able to do the same. I other words… commuication is key. The more you and your SO open your window the less room in the remaining square for there to be these things which we create in our minds to fill in the missing pieces. It takes two of course. When we have gaps, we tend to fill them in our minds based upon our past experiences; good or bad! Open and honest communication is the key! Close the gaps!!

Communication is great, of course. It’s harder when you have limited opportunities to talk to each other. Fear, too, gets in the way. Not wanting to hear what you know you will hear (or believe you know).

I think it is worse for me, because I believe I am fairly perceptive. I’ve been right enough times that when I’m wrong, I can still be pretty sure I’ve got it right. Even when faced with evidence that I was wrong, I can still believe I’ve got it right and the person doesn’t really know themselves that well.

I base that on my own experience. I believe I know myself pretty well, yet I often do things that mystify me, anyway. Go figure.