If you have a dysfunctional family, how do you get through holiday gatherings?

I feel like if you’re expecting something, it’s more likely to actually happen. If you expect the worst, then you’ll get the worst. And I’d just be positive and that kind of thing.

Besides. Every family is dysfunctional, even if we can’t tell.

I have some coping skills that I use for family gatherings.

1— Take a break. It doesn’t matter if you have to lie about getting something from the car- just get out of the situation for a few minutes and breathe the air.

2— Don’t open a can of corn and expect green beans. They are who they are and you can’t go in expecting them to have changed since Thanksgiving.

3— Have an out. If things get really bad (but not bad enough for cops) have an out. A person who calls you and fakes a crisis works well.

4— Remember that this situation will not last forever. It’s only dinner, then you can get the hell out of there.

5— Take care of yourself. Feed yourself, let yourself sleep the night before and know your limits. Use the HALT system (hungry, angry, lonely or tired) to keep you from reacting in an unhealthy way to their issues.

6— Be assertive, not aggressive. Stand up for yourself when attacked, yet be civil. Feeding a monster only makes it stronger.

7— When talking to a particularly troublesome person, use feeling statements. By saying ‘I feel’ or ‘I think’ before you speak- it sets the tone for sharing instead of competition.

8— If your family is truly dysfunctional and is dangerous to your health (mental or physical) then Do Not Go. There is no law written anywhere that you must be around dangerous people because it’s a holiday.

I’m not even attending my family’s Christmas this year.
Our “dysfunction” has reached a ridiculous level.

There are two types of dysfunctional. Sitcom dysfunctional where everybody’s annoying quirks and foibles are exaggerated by the holiday stress.

And then there is pathological dysfunction. Addiction, Alcoholic, rage-a-holic, etc.

This is the type mentioned upthread as being harmful to your physical or emotional health.

Give yourself permission to stop participating in the pathological. You can create an “intentional family” which has nothing to do with biology.

Perhaps it’s a little too rushed to create one by THIS Christmas, but make it a New Years intention to make friends with and surround yourself with positive people who add to your life rather than subtract.

But even if you only have one friend who is emotionally healthy, there is nothing preventing you from choosing that rather than pathological chaos.

This is basically what I did and I’m glad of it. DNA does not have to be your destiny if you come from pathological chaos. As an adult, you have the power to change that. Use it.

@gemiwing GA! I’m going to write all those down and use them for my upcoming family functions and holiday parties !

@ItalianPrincess1217 – Write them down??? Hell, I’m gonna make them into place-mats.

Our family used to be a bit dysfunctional, but I think everyone’s grown up a bit. I would usually be the one laughing at all the nonsense. I have had to speak up when someone was being obnoxious, but pretty much just let it roll off my back.

@Fluthermucker Good idea!

My family (and husband’s family) can be pretty dysfunctional sometimes. Because its not the time or place to get into any knock down drag out fights, I’ll usually bite my tongue (which is hard for me but I do it for my mom’s sake) and go talk to someone in another room. If it gets too bad, I’ll leave.

just be nice and expect the same, after all we’re all still alive and we should do the best we can.

Just like everyone else—one minute at a time.

My family should all be on medication. They take the most innocent statements and turn them into an all out verbal war. My mom is the most easily to offend. Unlike my mom and my sisters, I have a very long fuse and it takes a lot to ruffle my feathers. I just hope we can get through Friday without any hurt feelings or arguments. I mostly stay out of the arguments if possible. Once an argument is full blown and a lot of hurtful things are said, the two warring parties will not speak to each other for a while, then one will call the other and everything is ok again. I love my family but sometimes I wish my REAL parents would show up and claim me!!!!!!!!! :)