Why would a friend pick a fight to accuse you of a betrayal that they were doing to you?

I think picking the fight was his way of trying to end the relationship with you because deep down, as he finally told you, he doesn’t like sick people. Maybe it reminds him of his own vurnerabilities, that it could just as easily be him. Or maybe it makes him mad that you betrayed him by getting sick.
It seems he did it in such a hurtful way as to never get the friendship back.
You did the right thing in at least trying to resolve issues with him, so now you know for sure this relationship can’t be fixed. It hurts to lose a long time friendship, but this is one that needs to be let go for good. Your mental health is more important than his issues with mental health.

I’m sorry @daloon. That was very mean, selfish and hurtful.
I agree with @chyna.

It sounds like he preemptively ended the friendship, because he could not tolerate the idea that you were sick. he told you that in so many words.

So, you can tell yourself that there was nothing you could do about losing the friendship.

You can tell yourself that this guy is not someone you would want as a friend.

That may help the hurt, but it will not completely eliminate it. Time can help with that.

I’m sorry that this happened to you.

I’ve had the same thing happen to me but it was entirely my own fault. When I lost my beloved, something just snapped in my head. Instead of just going off and staying drunk for a week (month), I just starting giving random bullshit answers, calculated to drive people away from me. Or just going along with what I thought people expected and then stomping on them. It’s like the only relationship that ever mattered is gone, so destroy all of the others too. Typical binary Aspie thinking. What’s done is done and I have no desire to fix what cannot be fixed.

Guys are pussies and can’t break up properly – not with women, and not with their guy friends. They go about it the typical guy way which is to create tension and a fight so that you’ll take the onus off of them and you’ll break up. It’s just our (shitty, wussy) nature.

Some people need to have things their way. I call this particular maneuver the “You can’t quit, you’re fired!” I’m sure the guilt of walking out on you when you were sick made this person feel like a jerk. He showed up later hoping you might give him a valid reason to leave. When you didn’t he manufactured one out of your innocent comment. Now he can walk away feeling justified. “See, I tried to be a good friend to him but he wouldn’t let me.”
Righteous indignation feels much better than guilt.

Sounds like that friendship was doomed from the beginning. Chalk it up to experience, forgive him in your heart, and find some new friends.

It’s a psychodynamic defensive phenomenon called “projection”, in which a person feels badly or guilty, or anxious about something in their own behavior, and in order not to have to experience the bad feelings they project their bad behavior onto someone else, often their victim.

Don’t sweat it. It is a scientificul fact that gays is touchy like that.

I am sorry to hear you lost a “good” friend.

Daloon was it a mental illness you were getting over?
Or a other physical illness?

I think you guys are right. Your explanations are so consistent. The also fit with what I was thinking. I find that I am very angry and hurt, and when I dwell on the pain, it only gets worse. I run the fight through my mind over and over, repeating what he said, and thinking about what it meant, and I am driving myself crazy.

What I would like to do, and I hope it works, is to try to understand him, and what motivated him to behave this way, and then be able to forgive him, because he was acting out of his own pain. When I think about forgiveness, it seems to give me momentary release from when I think about what he did to me.

And I do feel bad for him. He has had a great deal of pain and loss in his life. I just wish he didn’t have to take it out on me, since I cared for him very much. I was a true friend, and in my experience, those are very rare. I hope he can find another one—one who stays healthy.

The reason I ask is if it was a mental illness then there is no way to give an answer to your question.
Except to give you comfort and compassion.

None of us were there None/most of us have enough information as to your disposition before, during and after your illness.

We can easily pass judgment on your “friends”. In favor again of giving you the benefit of the doubt. Biased on what you tell use how they reacted and why.
I can clearly see two sides to this story and we only have yours at this time.

You are a smart, big-hearted and passionate human being.
But, I have seen how mental illness can change a person. Make them down right cross one moment and
sweet as pie the next. Especially since you said ” For two years I didn’t hear from a one of them..”

I think they were really not friends to begin with, Since you did not have the ability to have “real” friends. Due to your illness.
You figured out there was something wrong, the discovery of your illness and what you had to go through to get back on track.
And now that you are better, you really are not the same person you once were. So the friendship dynamic has changed.
So some of your “friends” are going to fall away. The person they were friends with is no longer that person.

Forgivness is a good start. Be proud of what YOU have acomplished and the stronger person you have become.

There are times when peole’s GUILT for their own lack of consideration gets the best of them ..

Then; they will need to pick a fight with the Offended party , to try to make themselves appear as the offended party….. just to relieve their own minds….

Sometimes it works and other times .. it don’t and the friendship is GONE… Really a shame just how nutty some folks can be…

What seems to upset you the most is the truth-that he doesn’t want to be around sick people. In fact that might be the case with several of your erstwhile friends. When your very presence is a reminder of his shortcomings, what else do you expec?. If you had just died or disappeared he could have gone on with his life without facing the fact that he is a jerk, so of course it’s your fault.

What I find interesting, besides your not understanding that some people peel off under stress (you usually seem smarter about people) is that you wonder if his behavior had anything to do with his being gay.

At first that brought me up with a big WHOA! Then when I thought about it I decided you thought that his being gay meant he at least was real enough to feel guilty about the way he treated you while all your other (straight?) friends never recognized how badly they had treated you. Sensitive gay vs boorish straights is still a stereotype maybe just not a negative one.

Could be he finally had an opportunity to voice his own hurt and it got out of hand, lots of other emotions bundled up and released on you? I think he is acting out over the top and if he truly doesn’t want to be bothered by “sick” people then he’s better off remaining an acquaintance than you putting out more effort to rekindle friendship. What happened happened the way it did, you can’t take it back and you did reach out so the rest is in his court. You don’t have to accept his limitations if they’re more destructive or hurtful than supportive and loving. Move you energy along.

@Blondesjon gays?

sarcasm, chill

@Blondesjon oh i thought you misspelled the word ‘guys’ – it’s YOU who should chill…geez, why do you have to jump down my throat…f*&^ off

god bless us, every one.

@Blondesjon indeed. maybe just you.

Daloon…as I’m sure you know… we often criticize people for the very thing that we are doing ourselves… It sounds to me like the guy realised that he was in the the wrong..or rather realized what his truth about the situation was…that he didn’t like sick people… it’s his problem…

Your truth is…that you don’t need people like that in your life xx

Thanks @lynneblundell. I know that’s true, but it still hurts. To be attacked so he could avoid taking responsibility for his own actions, such hurtful actions, creates deep wounds. It makes me feel like he was never a friend. Maybe he was duping me for some obscure reason of his own. In any case, it totally changes my view of our past. Usually I have a pretty good read on people, but this one totally took me by surprise.

Where’s the psychic doctor when I need him?

Hi, Daloon! I swear, I’m not stalking you. Your questions keep showing up from fluther, and I find them interesting :)

There is a very healthy way through this storm so that neither you or your friend have to “lose”. The answers that CaptainHarley and HungryhungryHortense gave hold the key.

It isn’t always easy just to forgive and move on. Boy, do I know that truth! Forgiveness is a process; there’s nothing wrong with you if you find yourself unable to snap your fingers and forgive and forget, but it’s certainly worth working toward.

Working on forgiveness keeps your energy moving, which also allows the negative to dissipate. Let’s face it, the guy who created this mess has some issues, and the issues surprised you! It probably won’t be the last time this happens to you, although the faces may change.

I’ve found that it is easier to cleanse your heart (or psyche, if you prefer) if you can see that what caused him to react like that was pain from another person long before he met you. He’s still dealing with it. That’s part of his lesson that he’s smack in the middle of learning. He could learn it next week, or he might never learn it. Either way is okay. But seeing it this way allows you to let him go with compassion, instead of resentment. In essence, it frees you both to learn your life lessons without judgement.

No “friend” would do that. This person has some issues that have nothing to do with you. However, @phillis has some really good advice. Don’t let other people make your choices for you.

I don’t feel that I have enough information to give a proper answer. I’m curious what you actually said to him and what actually went on in the conversation. What could have set him off like this? It seems a bit strange that you being “sick” is the only reason he stopped contacting you for two years. Is there something you are not telling us? I’m also curious exactly what he means by not liking “sick people”. Does he mean he gets emotionally drained from their problems? Does he mean they won’t leave him alone? Or does he just simply not like them? We only have your side of the story. I find myself curious what HIS side of the story is, especially since he went as far as calling you a “schmuck”. I think that you may just be curious what his side of the story is as well. Why else would you ask this? It’s possible that he just doesn’t want to be your friend. It’s possible that you remind him of his own vulnerabilities. However, it’s also possible that he just has a problem with you.

A true friend wouldn’t have acted in this manner towards you.
Count yourself lucky you are out of his life and move on.

To cover up the fact that it was them and not you.