After having lost a loved one (a few years ago), is it normal to shut down somewhat during the Christmas holidays?

The death of someone you love can hit you at the most unexpected times and for an undetermined number of years. Grief affects everyone differently but there are a lot of predictable wipe-outs.

Do what is best for you. You will find long stretches when you can be happy and then – pow!. You live with it always; it is what makes us human.

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re unhappy, @jmah. This is absolutely normal. She was a fixture in your life, and an especially significant symbol for your holiday. How could you not feel a void? Do whatever it takes to heal. It seems like you’ve already figured out a big part of it. If certain people in your family are dragging you down when you’re trying to climb out of a hole, then you’re not going to get anywhere by indulging them. Surround yourself with people, like your sister, who understand and nurture.

Good luck to you. It may not ever be the same, but it can certainly be better. xoxo

My Dad died on Christmas morning a few year’s ago and yea totally brokendown.

I avoided my side of the family today. Just the thought of being there with them and talking about her, remembering her seems too much.

I’ve been all over the place the last few days. But my wounds are still fresh. I’m not sure how I’ll feel in a few years.

Shutting down can be healthy, in the beginning, but you are going to have to learn to integrate your feelings at some point. Someday your memories should be happy and bring you comfort not emptiness. At least that’s what I’m hoping for.

Keep looking tinyfaery… Time does heal… ~.~

@jmah – my mom died 16 years ago and my dad 8 years ago. There are still moments in the Christmas season that are difficult. My MIL & FIL are great people, and I’m lucky to call them family. And yet… it’s not the same. The feelings come and go. Yesterday was a little tougher, today not so bad. All I do is go with the feelings and try not to weep in public.

@jmah – My grandfather died at midnight on New Year’s Eve back in 1976. To this day I still feel a slight hitch in my emotions at that time. Feeling down is perfectly normal, especially when the person you miss was all about Christmas. The feelings are not unexpected, but you might want to work on finding the best time and place to bawl, so you can enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Christmas is a strange holiday in that it is so over-charged with emotions and expectations that lead to family conflict instead of peace on Earth and goodwill to all. Sometimes distancing yourself for a bit is your best option.

I guess it is normal. This is my first year without my mother. It has been very hard. But my boyfriend has tried to distract me from that. It is hard, and if it wasn’t for him, my ass would still be in bed, really not giving a damn that today is Christmas.

Everyone grieves in their own way and for different lengths of time. Christmas was my Grandfather’s favorite holiday and since his death in 2005, it’s been kind of a bittersweet time even though I know he’d want us all to be enjoying one another. When the ‘choke up’ time comes, I go off to my room for a little bit and I notice my mom does too so I don’t feel so odd having little spells mixed in with the good times. Do what you need to find some ease and the people closest to you who and are positive for you will respect that.

Absolutely normal, lovely. I’m sorry that you still deal with these emotions.

However, without them, would you feel normal? Would it be okay to you if you weren’t suffering in some form, without anguish? How would you feel if you didn’t feel her absence, and was able to just mosey through the holidays, knowing she loved it, knowing she loved you?

Cry for her. The human condition is a hell of a burden, but one best shared with others. I’m under the assumption the missus suffers when you suffer alone or without her. It may be awkward, reaching out when you’re balancing on knife’s edge, but I implore you to do so.

The way you speak of her, your mother – I can tell she loved you in ways none of us here could hope to understand. What we can do is form idealistic perceptions of her character, which is just what I’m about to do:

Do you think she’d want you to suffer for her the way you do?

P.S. Us guy folk have trouble expressing emotion. If they aren’t helpful at all, fuck ‘em.

P.P.S. ‘scuse me french. :)

Well, today was the day that my family celebrated Christmas, and you know what? It was lovely. It was like old times, actually. There were a lot of good laughs and everyone was telling childhood stories. It was so good that I didn’t want it to end.

My Mom would have wanted that way, too.

If and when I ever meet you, I’m givin’ you the biggest hug in the world. Bigger than any other hug you’ve ever had.

:)