Is there any way in the world, without coming off as an absolute pill, to ask a friend to stop using an expression that just makes me wild ?

Well, come on.
What is it?

P.S. – Love the tags.

@asmonet . . . i think it is, without coming off as an absolute pill.

Just start using it constantly at him or her.

Okay, real answer.

I’ve had this problem before. In high school everyone I knew used the term ‘beast’ to describe something cool, or awesome – whatever. One girl I knew used it for nearly everything in her life. Her bike was beast, her car was beast, her clothes were beast, the punch I wanted to throw in her face would have been beast I’m sure. And I wasn’t the only one thinking it.

So after a particularly challenging conversation with her at lunch, she asked me a question and I responded with a string of words that together made no sense. Something like “Lollipop schoolbooks run bus stop face butt.” She didn’t get it, so I told her:

“If you’re going to use words incorrectly and with no other reason but to fill in the gaps in your vocabulary I’ll respond the best way I know how.”

She didn’t talk to me for a few days. But whatever, the chick finally stopped.

@proXXi: That’s worked for me too. :)

And really emphasizing the crap out of it when you do. :P

I can’t bring myself to say it.

[Edit] Or type it.

But it doesn’t matter what it is. The point is that I have a completely irrational absolute intolerance for it. Besides, if I posted it here, in two seconds every smartass on the site would be posting it to me. You know that.

If it helps at all, it is kind of similar to saying “def” for “definitely” or “sitch” for “situation.” I am not crazy about those either, but they don’t affect me like this one.

@Jeruba: Rip the band-aid off.

I don’t know. But I’d like to cure some of my friends of the condition myself and stuff.

It is ‘gay’?
As in, ‘that’s so gay’?
Sounds like it might be.
Or perhaps ‘retard’?
What about c__t? That’s it, isn’t it?
Depending on the word, there are several different ways to approach the situation.
I would tell them, that their over use of the word makes you extremely uncomfortable and you would appreciate if they would cut down on the number of times they use it, especially around you.

Is it “irregardless”? It is, isn’t it?

I’m afraid that I am an absolute pill about this sort of thing. If someone I know fairly well uses or pronounces a word incorrectly, I usually end up correcting them. I know it’s not the nicest thing to do, but I can’t seem to help myself. I don’t mock them or anything, but I do tell them.

@Jeruba: If you don’t tell us we’re just gonna keep guessing. :)

EDIT: Saw your edit, Jeruba. I am backing off publicly, and commencing harassment via PM.

New answer:

Punch her in the throat. :D

@Jeruba

So, in other words, it’s what we kids call an “abbreve” such as “totes”, “perf”, “defo”, “hilar”, “ridic”, “embar”, etc.? Or is it something else?

In junior year I went through a phase where I said things like that non-stop. I don’t do it so much anymore, but every now and then.

And to answer your question, no, I don’t think you can. This isn’t like correcting a grammatical error or commenting on an incorrect pronunciation like “excape” or something, this is criticizing slang and it kind of irks me when people do that. It’s like when people say: “OMG if I hear ‘hella’ one more time I’m gonna gouge my eyes out!”. Well, maybe I wouldn’t care if you did that, to be honest…

Now, if you’re speaking of something like “gay” or “retarded”, I believe those are different because they have social connotations. I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to inform someone of your distaste for those.

Yeah, see, @DominicX, that’s exactly what I mean: I’d be a pill. There’s no way I can imagine saying anything that wouldn’t be worse than saying nothing.

It’s not one of those expressions, but a much older one, and I can’t explain why it has such a strong irrational effect on me, but it always has. Other such words strike me as silly and unnecessary, but they’re a kind of shibboleth for the youngsters, and I understand that. They don’t bother me. I don’t have friends who would use “gay” or “retarded” as pejoratives.

Out in the world I do manage to ignore it and just gag quietly. but this is a friend I hear from all the time.

Even though I’m dying to know, as well, what exactly she says, I agree with you that it’s not important. What’s important is that you are irritated by someone else’s behavior.

My answer is: it’s not her problem; it’s yours. Is her behavior damaging, disrespectful or otherwise anti-social? If so, then you have a right to say something. If not, then the behavior change needs to be with you, not with her.

@PapaLeo I second that notion.

So, @PapaLeo, that’s what I asked in my second paragraph.

If she values your friendship, she’ll respect your feelings. Tell her that her use of that word or abbreviation just makes your skin crawl and that you would really appreciate if, in your company at least, she used the correct word instead.

If she shows she’s trying to eliminate the word in her conversations with you, let her know you appreciate her efforts.

If she seems to make no effort to respect your feelings, remove yourself from her company when she uses it.

If that has no effect, decide if you are prepared to do without her friendship.

Right track, maybe, @Dr_Lawrence. The thing is, she seldom uses it in speech. She writes it in messages a lot. So it doesn’t disappear into the air after she’s said it. It’s still there when I try to go back and look to see where I’m supposed to meet her for lunch or pick a movie to see. That pretty much leave me making my speech in a message. And every time I try to do that, seriously, lightly, offhandedly, jokingly, whatever, it still comes out sounding so bad that I delete it. I would love to know how to numb myself to this effect, but, you know, I don’t think I could ever get used to witnessing certain disgusting habits, and this is just as unbearable to me.

Indeed you did ask for an alternative @jeruba. Sorry I missed it.

My suggestion in that case would be to focus on the positive nature of her personality and the good reasons that you are friends with her in the first place. I have a colleague who continually misuses, and misspells, professional terminology. It used to irritat me to no end until I realized it was a perfect way to tell whether an idea or proposal was hers or whether she had cut and paste it from somewhere else. After that not only did it stop bothering me, I started looking forward to finding these errors.

There are a few words that I will not willingly tolerate in my presence. Most of them are ethnic slurs and there are some others.

I will come right out and say “this word really bothers me, please do not use it in my presence.” If they laugh about it I say that that is well and good but this does not change my opinion of the word… please do not use it in my presence.

If the person is a friend, they shall go out of their way to not use the word. They may slip up if it is a common word for them but, in such a case, the fact that they are trying matters.

I have had friends ask me the same thing and, whether or not I think it is a bad word, I respect their wishes because they are friends. I will do this with colleagues at work as well.

I always believe in the direct approach. I would write back and say “it makes me crazy when you say that. It is like fingernails on chalkboard,” most people seem to understand that, although personally that has never bothered me???

Then she can decide if she wants to acommodate you or ignore your sensitivity. If you were my good friend and you said that to me, I would probably stop or I would tell you to get stuffed and never speak to you again, hehehehe. If it makes you gag, I would take the chance!

I think that your best bet to mitigate the “pill” effect would be to acknowledge openly that it is your problem more so than hers.

One of my lines of demarcation (among others) between friend and acquaintance is whether I can be totally honest with her and vice versa.

If she truly is a friend, she would realize that this is not you just being nit- picky, but that the repeated use of this term is truly distressing to you.

If it weren’t to this degree, you would not be bringing it up. A true friend would want to help you, realizing that you have a “disability”.

The only other analogy I can think of would be if she kept wearing a particular perfume to which you are severely allergic.

In a way, it seems from your description that its your allergy (over-reaction) to this one particular phrase which triggers your gag reflex.

A true friend would be willing to modify her behavior slightly for the sake of not putting her friend in distress.

If you put it on yourself that it’s your problem and your over-reaction, that avoids the problem of her feeling judged about it, no ?

I think that is probably the essence of “pilliness” that causes people to react badly. If they feel judged by someone, then it’s more face-saving to call the other person a pill. if the phrase in question is, in fact, in poor taste or immature or whatever the case may be, the person is most likely aware of it on some level. But putting it on yourself is a face-saving and tactful way of presenting it so she doesn’t have to react defensively.

From your writings and manner of dealing with people, I consider you to be a tactful and considerate person. This type of approach would be a natural for you.

And it beats the alternative which is allowing it to just fester inside of you until one day you just explode or something.

I think I can safely say that none of us wants to see an exploding Jeruba, now do we :)

@Buttonstc “I think that your best bet to mitigate the “pill” effect would be to acknowledge openly that it is your problem more so than hers.”... good point.

Introduce her to fine poetry.

Maybe you could say, “do you have any idea how often you say __?” I agree that if she is a good friend & knew how much it bothers you, for whatever reason, that she would probably try not to use the term so much around you.

It might be too late for this, but act baffled when she says it. Be totally confused, and ask her to reword it so you understand. Then “get it” when she uses words you prefer.

My example is much pettier, but when I was in Spain I had a friend (another American) who used “fin” as an abbreviation for “fin de semana” (“end” and “weekend,” respectively), which is not a real abbreviation. She’d say, in Spanish, “What do you want to do this fin?” so I’d furrow my brow and ask, “this fin de what?” until she used the complete “fin de semana.” Finally she started actually using it.

You have to tell them it makes you nuts – if they don’t listen, then you can see what kind of a person they really are

I don’t know, personally if a friend asked me to stop using a phrase, I’d just think they were being an asshole.

These others are right. You have to come out and tell her. My impulse would be to wait until I snapped..oh my GOD I HATE IT WHEN YOU SAY THAT WORD!!!!!!! Yeah, I’m still working on my people skills. Poor grammar, corruptions of words and incorrect use of words annoy me. People who say words incorrectly after having been corrected annoy me even more. My ex husband used to say, “Well, you know what I mean…” as if that were some kind of excuse. Maybe he thought he was being cute, I don’t know. Maybe your friend thinks she’s being cute. I don’t do cute.

According to Jeruba, the problem most frequently occurs in WRITTEN form, so it’s difficult to do it in an oblique manner.

It’s like pulling off a band-aid. You know it may hurt a bit at first, but you just gotta do it.

“I am not blaming you or criticizing you when I say this, and I ask only as a friend and recognize that it is my own neuroses causing the conflict… But use of phrase/word is a serious pet peeve of mine and I honestly cringe whenever I see it. If there is any way for me to convince you to refrain from it without hurting your feelings in any way, I beg that you tell me how.”

But… Y’know… Written better and not on a phone keyboard.

Lots of good ideas here. This is helping me. Thanks! Perhaps if I just put it down to an odd malady of my own . . .

I guess I should add a few points that may help place my dilemma in context.
— She does not use <hated word> all that often. It’s just that once is too many for me.
— As previously noted, it’s mostly in writing.
— It’s not inherently offensive except as an affront to the entire English language merely by existing. It’s just—like @sliceswiththings‘s example (great example!)—an unneccessary, improper, and stoopid-sounding(-looking) abbreviation that irritates me just like snapping gum. (Unfortunately there is no way to feign incomprehension of the expression.)
— No one else in my circle of friends and family says (writes) this, so I have not dealt with it before. In the wider world I grit my teeth, and if possible I avoid the source thereafter.
— She is an English major and former professional technical writer with a presumed greater-than-average sensitivity to words.
— She knows how nutty I am about words, and she is still my friend.
— She has an M.A. in clinical psychology and is currently in practice both with private clients and in a hospital setting.

Thank you for not wanting to see me explode, @Buttonstc. My diplomatic skills fail me when I am so irrationally button-pushed, and I do not trust myself to say the right thing.

Imagine if she were fond of wearing a certain pendant around her neck, not a symbol or anything, just an abstract shape, and the proportions of the shape just seemed so wrong and off balance to me that the sight of it offended my aesthetic sensibilities. I couldn’t take my eyes off it and it just grated and grated on my nerves when we were together. How on earth would it sound if I asked her not to wear it when we went out? That’s how foolish I feel bringing this up. I can’t imagine any words to use that don’t sound (even despite elaborate disclaimers) like a personal criticism of her.

And of course it’s true that I’m right in this and she’s wrong. You see? Argh.

@Jeruba I would think that just the fact that this word bothers you would be enough for your friend to not use it. It does not have to be logical… it is your preference. Emotions are not logical.

@Arisztid, that’s true, and thanks, but . . . I’d be asking her to change behavior that really is not wrong in any way, just for some quirk of mine. I wish I could just inject a little Novocaine into that brain cell of mine.

You could also print out this thread in it’s entirety for her to give you her opinion about.

If she responds with “Well, by all means, do tell me what it is and I’ll be glad to help you out” (or something along those lines) then you know she is a true friend.

I know that the small handfull of people whom I would consider as friends (rather than just long term acquaintances) would be glad to help me avoid distress like that.

How do I know that? Because I can be a pretty odd duck at times and they love me in spite of my idiosyncrasies. Isn’t that the essence of what being a friend is all about ?

And it goes both ways. One of my longest time friends has become enamored with the whole Nesara/truther movement. I was quite astounded when she trusted me enough to tell me about it.

She is an extremely intelligent person, btw. It took me aback a little. But, it doesn’t change our friendship. I ask lots of questions to make sure she isn’t donating her life savings to them or anything weird.

My only concern is that she isn’t screwing up any of her life because of it but that’s basically it. I find it a little mystifying that she swallows this stuff, but it hasn’t really changed our friendship.

Idiosyncratic? Absolutely. But I have my own quirks too.

So if this person is a true friend, Jjeruba, you needn’t fear looking foolish to her. After all, if we can’t look a little foolish to our friends at times, then who’s left.

Just bite the bullet and let her know already. If she truly is a friend, it will be fine. And, if not, you have gained valuable info.

I think it’s possible that your fear about this has blown this up to greater magnitude. She may just give a good chuckle and ask if it was bothering you to this degree why haven’t you mentioned this sooner.

Of course, I have little idea of exactly how horrendous it is or isn’t since I’m kinds working in the dark here. But I do know how true friends can accept more of our faults than even biological family sometimes.

That’s what friends are for…

For the love of G-d please don’t let it be the word prolly

I begin to convulse when someone writes that…can I get a witness?!?

@sndfreQ, I have to run away from this thread right now. Bye.

Oh come on, I say “prolly” sometimes. It’s fun. Even my mom says it sometimes because of me. I love that word. :)

So you have an irrational button? Telll me more.

@Jeruba If that is the word, here is how I think you should address the situation.
I think you should express that there is a particular word she overuses to the point of it rubbing you the wrong way. Say you actually feel rather silly at how much it bothers you, especially for something so petty, but feel the need to speak up about it anyhow because it has begun to affect your pleasurable reading experience or the way you feel when you receive and read a new email from her. (This disclosure will significantly ease your request when you do tell her what bothers you.)
I would tell her again, that the request is silly, but hopefully she’ll understand.
Then, express your annoyance over the word.
When all is said and done at the end of your email I would say, “no, this isn’t a joke” (because she might take it as one).
If you throw in words that your request is ‘stupid’ or ‘pathetic’ it actually might help her in understanding the seriousness of the email. Also, if you say it’s more your problem than hers. Just put it all into one big disclosure. Because of doing so, her reaction will more or less be, “wow. that’s it? I thought it would be worse” Instead of getting offended or laughing over it.
Regardless, if she’s a good friend and a rational person, she’ll appreciate you coming to her over the situation. It should also open up a new line of communication with you both to where she feels comfortable talking to you about things that may seem insignificant.
I’ve personally established a relationship with an internet buddy to the point where we can tell each other anything no matter how petty or insignificant we feel it is.
When talking on the phone at one point, I told her I had something to tell her, but forgot and that if I forgot it probably wasn’t that important. To which she said, “Well, thanks ya jerk. It could have been important to me.” And that’s what you have to remember. You’re being a little selfish by not telling her. The fact of the matter is, it IS a big deal to you (even though you keep saying how you don’t want to come off as a pill for something so petty) and this person is obviously someone you really like. If she wasn’t, you wouldn’t be taking the time to seek advice.
I think you’ll be surprised as to how relieved you’ll feel after you tell her.
Just get it over with. :)
Good luck.

I’ve had that prob, and I solved it by saying, “Sorry, but I really hate that expression. Please don’t say it around me anymore.” This was to my co-workers, who took no offense, though they didn’t see anything wrong with the expression. The expression was: “It is what it is.” I view that as an excuse for moderately-good work made by a lazy person.