Dealing with childhood abuse from a family member as an adult?

Is your family aware of your history with your brother?

@Likeradar They are, but my grandmother is the one who pushes the family gatherings, and she is in denial about it. She tells me that since he’s my brother I should just get over it.

I can understand your desire to make your family happy, but I’m confused-
If everyone except your grandma can understand you not wanting to be around your abuser, why can’t you avoid your brother and still rely on the rest of your family for babysitting, etc?

The most important thing is the physical and psychological safety of you and your child.

You do not have to go to family functions. It’s not safe for you. Just because she can’t see it doesn’t mean you have to go.

You said it all when you wrote, “now that I have a young baby.” The family that you need to be there for most is your young baby and your partner. Your brother’s behavior seems to be accepted by the rest of your family so you probably won’t find sympathy with them, as every dystunctional family ignores or excuses the bad behavior of bullies. And that’s how the chain of abuse remains unbroken. As a father, you can choose for your child whether they’ll be raised in situations that condone abuse. It may cost you in ways that you’re still codependent on your parents, but you’ll be fine if you and your partner accept responsibility for your situation and both work to provide your needs. What’s self-protection and protection for your baby worth?

Was it possible for you to leave the room when your brother started yelling at you? I know that sometimes it is difficult to do that or that he will follow you out, but if you can get away from it that would be a start. I don’t mean leaving the family gathering all together I just mean getting away from him. Perhaps move to an area where there are other family members that can overhear his tirade or maybe cause him enough embarrassment that he will realize he is a grown man acting like a two year-old and get his wits back about him. He sounds like a bully who is all about pushing people around because he can and it makes him feel powerful. Maybe trying to take that power away by leaving might help diffuse the situation.

@Likeradar Everyone else knows about it, but they still all kind of feel the same as my grandma – just not as strongly. I mean, if it weren’t for my grandma my family would never get together as a group at all, so it’s just not a big deal with everyone else – but when my grandmother calls for a get-together, my family is like “Just go, you know she helps you out so much”, etc etc. If I announce that I’m not going to go, everyone is just overall pissed with me for a while and if I need money or help their response is “Why do you just want to come around when you need something?” or “You should have come with us, grandma would have given you money.”

@Dracool I won’t allow my daughter to be around abuse – my brother constantly mentions how I should let him keep the baby at his house for a while to “give me a break”, which I refuse to do – I don’t even leave her in my mother’s care when he’s going to be around, because my mother did nothing to stop my abuse even though she was aware of it, so why trust her with my daughter?

If my family weren’t so crucially needed right now, I just wouldn’t go around – but, other than the formula we get from the government for the baby, we have absolutely no food right now except for a couple of Hot Pockets and some pasta, and it’s been this way for a few months. My grandma cooks every day, and that’s where we get the majority of our meals from right now. My grandma buys us diapers and wipes almost every month, without our asking her to. The situation should get better by Feburary, but in the meantime, I’m looking for an answer other than to just stay away from them.

@SuperMouse He yelled at us in front of the family… everyone just kind of stopped, looked, then turned away and went about their business – just like they did when I was a kid. Me and my girlfriend went outside for a minute, then went back inside and he didn’t say anything else to us, but she was still VERY uncomfortable, which made me even more uncomfortable.

Do you not qualify for WIC or food stamps? Or seek out United Way help in your area. There are so many places to get help that won’t abuse you or let you be abused just to get enough assistance to be able to live.

@gemiwing WIC is where we are getting the formula – we get a little food for ourselves, but it’s shit like dried beans and evaporated milk – the only things that are really any help is the gallon of milk and dozen eggs, and those disappear quickly. I’ve applied for food stamps, which is why things should get better in Feb.

@stemnyjones I agree, WIC leaves some things to be desired. How about a food bank in your area? They often times can get you diapers and wipes as well.

The reason I keep harping on this is because if you can get support from other places then you won’t be forced into this unsafe situation.

As an adult- you’re a parent now- you need to be in control of the situations you put yourself in. If it’s important to you to have your family around and in your life, you can still invite them (minus your brother) over or out to socialize. You do not have to be around your brother. Your family has apparently made it clear that they don’t understand the dynamics between you and your brother- stop putting yourself in situations where you will feel abused just to get some money from grandma. It is not fair to you, your child, or your girlfriend (or your grandma).

I don’t mean to sound harsh- abuse from a family member must be horrible, especially when you would like help from other family members. But you need to change your habits if other people won’t change theirs.

@gemiwing I will definitely check that out – thanks.

@stemnyjones I hope you can find some help. I don’t know what I would have done without our local food banks. They even had shampoo and pads.

Not to be insensitive but it sounds like you have a income crisis. Are you working currently, any reason you can’t work?

I was abused by a family member when I was a very young child (it started when I was about 3 years old and went on until I was 11 years old.) who I am pleased to say has since passed away (I know it sounds really horrible that I am glad this person is dead but it’s such a relief to not have to worry about what he’ll do or make me do now). I really feel for you that there are still occassions where you feel you have to be around your abuser. I know that my life would be so much more difficult nowadays if I still had to see my abuser.

Seeing as it is yoour grandmother who is in denial is there another family member that you can confide in about the reasons why you aren’t happy with these family gtherings? I really hope that the rest of your family wouldn’t turn their backs on you because of this. That’s the last thing you deserve. I wish I had more advice.

…how else am I supposed to deal with this in a civilized way?

That may not be an option. Civilization requires mutual cooperation, and it doesn’t sound like you’re going to get any of that. What if your mom decides to let your brother pinch hit for her as a babysitter without your knowledge? I’ve seen it happen in other dysfunctional families that are sheltering a toxic member.

If you feel you have to try to keep going to family gatherings, I would have a prepared statement ready. Rehearse it with your GF ahead of time until you can say it calmly and clearly and loud enough for the rest of the family to hear. Something along the lines of I will not allow you to abuse me again. Never again. I won’t let you hurt my family. If you will not leave, we will. Then be prepared to follow through. When he tries to goad you into a display of emotion or a fight, do the “broken record”, where you just repeat what you’ve already said. Gather your family up and leave with your heads held high. Take the moral high ground, but don’t accept anymore abuse. It will feel really good.

And make protecting your baby your highest priority.

Since your boundaries have been violated since you were a young child, it makes it difficult to know where and how to draw the line.

But if you are ever to be free from this terror ( instead of just stuffing it down and hoping it won’t rear it’s ugly head) it is so important that you find ways to take your power back.

Since you are low income, this may qualify you for therapy help which might be otherwise prohibitively expensive.

I’m not talking about a psychiatrist. I’m thinking more along the lines of a more behavorial oriented approach to help you learn how to assert yorself. This is a skill which can be learned and is a crucial one for those who have been abused.

Abuse is abuse regardless of whether it is verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. The same dynamic is at play.

Are there any womens organizations in your area who deal with women who have been abused ? Perhaps they can help you locate help either in the form of survivors groups and/or therapists skilled in this area. You are definitely a survivor who has managed to create your own “family of intention” in a healthy way despite the dysfunction you were forced to grow up with.

You have come a long way from that and you deserve to allow yourself access to the help you need to develop the skills to deal with those bullies.

You need some support from others who have been there to strengthen your resolve to deal with the bullies and assertively set up boundaries which they cannot violate anymore.
You need to take back your power.
It’s tricky but certainly not impossible. Others have done so or are in the process of
doing it. Find them and learn from them and with them. You will be glad you did. You don’t have to spend the rest of your time in fear.

You deserve help. Go and find it. You will be so glad.

I know this is an utterly irresponsible thing to suggest, but have you tried beating the living shit out of your brother & putting him in hospital for a bit? It is wrong, & potentially problematic, but it can also be very cathartic.

It might be hard but people like that should be slapped with the truth, hard. If he did things to damage you emotionally and now is going to yell at youre girlfriend id tell him how it is, in front of everyone. If the tears rush out, you get choked up, so let it be. Show everyone in youre family what hes done to you and how he feels about it. He cant feel to good about being a dick head.

I am with Buttonstc. I was also abused by an elder brother horrifically. I have managed to avoid him for 20 years, well when I say avoid, I mean I don’t have any contact with him at all. Simply because he is not the brother I would like, he is not a person that is healthy to have around either. But for you and your circumstances you’ve been forced to be exposed to him again in a big way.

In a way it is a good thing, because it can make you deal with it in a way which is to rescue yourself. By confrontation and realizing you have power within you against the abuser. I think a lot of good can come of this, in building your self esteem and claiming your power back. Abusers take away our power. But only for a time. You need to do it in a constructive way only because you are reliant on them at this point. So seek assistance with this.

I can relate to you and your life in so many ways. I also used booze etc., to get away from myself but realized somewhere along the road that I deserve better and that I am not a product of my family, and their legacies.

Its hard I know and it is a journey. I send you hugs xoxo