Why are parents more protective of their older children, but they give the youngest child more freedom?

The more kids you have the less time you have to supervise every moment of each child’s time. It happened with me. I was so careful about what my baby ate, etc. By the third kid, as long as it didn’t kill ‘em, it was OK. In other words, I had a wake up call, and relaxed. I have five children in all; the last were twins. With infant twins and a total of 5 children 9 and under, it was more about survival than anything else. Literally. And that lasted for years.

My parents explained it as mistake-making. Yes, I know that sounds bad, let me explain You’re not sure exactly what could happen when you’re just starting out as a parent. By the second or third, you’ve learned enough from your first kid that you realize kids are more durable/responsible/whatever then you thought, so a little more freedom doesn’t hurt.

The older child is the practice child. Everything is new, so good parents err on the side of caution. With each passing child, parents become a little more comfortable.

I agree with everything already said. I remember making everyone wash their hands before they held my first newborn… yeah, that didn’t last. I also remember carrying my second into the doctor’s office for a checkup. A nurse commented that this must not be my first infant, because I was carrying her in such a relaxed casual manner. She was right… I carried the first as if she were made of crystal, and might shatter at any moment!

Ha ha ha! I remember taking my first to the grocery, walking, in a snowstorm. I bundled her up well, and we arrived with no mishaps. But when an old lady asked to see my baby, I couldn’t find her head….I searched and searched. I finally put her down somewhere and unwrapped her to find that I’d carried her all that way…upside down! It still makes me giggle. And the old lady was speechless.

@snowberry LMFAO! That is so funny.

Being the eldest child myself, I can’t stand the things my two younger siblings get away with now! I paved the way, and now they get all the benefits.

I grew up an only child, and always grieved the fact that I had no siblings. I used to tell my oldest, “At least someone gets to benefit from you breaking us in. I never had the pleasure.” I think it was some consolation to her.

I am the oldest child and I don’t think my parents treated me much different than my younger sister (maybe they were more careful about how I was held as a baby or if they washed hands more, but this I wouldn’t be unaware of). They tried hard to be fair, still do. However, I do see that in most families it is not like that, and the younger kids get away with more. My younger sister was typically jealous of me because I got to do things when she couldn’t, because she was younger. I think maybe, just a hypothesis, that parents who tend to be stricter are harder on the first born, and then too exhausted later on to keep it up. I was raised in a very liberal, not very strict way.

Your question is a good one lonelydragon. I know in my family and many other Asian families, parents “expect more” out of their older kids than the younger ones. They are not necessarily more protective, but they are more “controlling” towards the older children, even into young adulthood. It goes along with the old Chinese and Japanese beliefs that little children can basically do what they want, since they need to express and vent themselves, but as they grow older, they are expected to conform and do as told, so that they become “productive” and responsible members of society. That’s why you see so many Asian kids exerting themselves in college and university——they’ve had their “fun” when they were young and now they are serious about concentrating as adults (well, most of them are. Lol.). I don’t think I have ever grown up. :D

@MRSHINYSHOES Thanks. You touched on what I was getting at. I’m not Asian, but in my family (and in others that I’ve known) parents are more restrictive of the older kids. My younger siblings were allowed to go to parties and have lots of dates, and I was barely allowed out of the house! Even now that we’re adults, they still try to control me more than the others, and they judge me more harshly. My younger sister and I can both do exactly the same thing (like wearing a semi-low cut shirt, for example), and they don’t say one word to her, but I get an earful. I have never understood it.

That didn’t happen in my family. We have four kids and I’m the second-oldest. If anything, my older sister and I have done more crazy shit, but that’s because my younger brothers are more reserved. My sister and I are the partiers, my brothers are not. Also, if my parents did favor one of us, it was never apparent. I think it’s awful when parents favor children and if they can’t help but favor one, they should never show it.

@lonelydragon Have you ever asked your parents why? Maybe they are responding to your personalities iindividually.

@DominicX Sounds like we have that in common too. No allowance, no chores, and our parents were fair with how they treated all of the children.

@JLeslie

It seems to have worked for me and my sister and seems to be working for my brothers, so what can I say? This type of parenting was based off of the way my mom was raised. My dad was raised completely different. His father was overbearing and domineering and pretty much controlled the whole family. My parents decided to base their style of parenting off that of my maternal grandparents. It’s different from the way a lot of people are raised, but it worked for my family.

@snowberry that made me truly laugh out loud

Two reasons:

Experience and fatigue.

We have gone through enough experiences with the first to sort out the worthy issues from the not so worthy.

And we are tired enough to surrender the non- critical battles.

@JLeslie No, because they would deny doing any such thing. I don’t really understand it because, of the two of us, my sister is the “wilder” one (so to speak), so I never knew why they monitored me more than they did her. When I wanted to go out, they’d say, “It’s not safe for girls to go out alone”, but they let my sister go.

@lonelydragon That is exaclty what I am talking about. Maybe they think your sister is a lost cause when it comes to this type of thing. Your parents might feel like she is going to do whatever she wants and it is not worth their time to have a big fight, but they might feel they can influence you. It may feel like they are favoring her, but actually they are showing more confidence in your judgement.

Or, I could be completely wrong and like many older children you might be the one who engages in conversation and negotations with your parents more than younger siblings. Many times the oldest child is very close to the father, being almost a substitute wife (not incest, I don’t mean anything awful like that) but while the mom is occupied with younger siblings the father many times pays his attention to the eldest and they develop a strong bond. Anyway, the older child sometimes becomes much more responsible and adultlike at a young age, because dads tend to treat children as little adults (I am making a lot of generalization here, not true in all families by any means) later it all works itself out when everyone is adults.

@lonelydragon I think you should ask them, or describe your perception of events. Not when it is happening, but when you are calm. Maybe they do, and you will be surprised by their explanation.

I am curious, do you want them to be just as strict with your sister as they are with you? Or, do you want them to loosen up on you they way they are with your sister?

@JLeslie We’re all out of the house now, so the discipline issue is kind of a moot point. I just want to know why they treated us differently when we were young.

With my super-gendered parents it was not at all like you say – since my brother was a boy he was allowed anything and everything…since I was younger and a girl, I was allowed very little. With my own kids, I have learned from the first one and am more relaxed in terms of certain anxieties with my second but that doesn’t mean any of them get more slack.

@lonelydragon I see. So I wonder, does your sister realize she got away with more? Is her perception the same as yours?