How do I get over my boyfriends sexual history?

Try to figure out why you don’t think you’re special. As you said, he’s older so yes he will naturally have done things before he met you. Yet, he’s with you and doing those things with you becomes special. Because of you.

I’ve had lunch with many people over the years but only a few were memorable- because the people I had lunch with made it so.

It you don’t want to know, don’t ask. That isn’t what you want to hear, but that’s really all there is to it. Either don’t ask, or sit down and get it all out in the open so you can get over your feelings that you are having because you keep asking and seemingly wanting to know. Either pick one or the other, but stop drawing it out and poisoning your relationship.

Having had experiences, I know that even the same old thing with a new person is indeed new and special. If your mindset is that he’s done everything and that what he’s doing with you is nothing special to him, you’re more than likely poisoning your relationship with that. What guy likes a girl that is all “yeah, well, you’ve done this before so I’m not special to you,” all the time? I can’t think of one.

You either need to get over it, or move on. You can’t change the past. Asking about his past or bringing up the subject is just making your situation worse. It’s like you want to think about it. You want to be jealous and insecure because you like the drama. You’re what, 18? So that would make him 23? Maybe the age difference is to much for you to deal with. It sounds like you are not mature enough to have such a serious relationship right now.

There’s no point dwelling on the past. You can’t change it, only stare at it. Focus on now. Now he’s with you. There’s absolutely nothing special about being first. Only being the best.

Go be the best champ.

By not being insecure.

Focus on why this even bothers you in the first place. Get back to us on that.

Consider this an opportunity to learn from him then. Hopefully, this relationship lasts forever. But if not (as many such relationships do not), you can come out of it a better person, but also one who has learned a few things along the way. You might be somewhat insecure about not being the first this or that, but perhaps given his extensive experience, you can ask him what he likes, and try to make that happen? Of course, there is a quid pro quo, and you should absolutely tell him what you like and expect him to make that happen too.

Most people will come equipped with some type of sexual experience… if you want a man with a clean record, then you need to date one. Otherwise, you kind of just have to accept it and move forward. He can’t take back sleeping with other chicks.

It is perfectly natural to feel jealous that someone else has been with the person you now love. It is to what degree you let it affect your relationship with this person that is the important part. Just make sure your not punishing him for things he did, before he knew you even existed.

@Violet jealousy is a personality trait of many people, of all different age brackets. Your post sounded a little condescending. It is how people deal with jealousy that determines whether they are mature enough or not.

@grisaille What bothers me is that I waited over eighteen years (even after a previous two year relationship) for someone that I thought was really worth it to lose my virginity to. In my naive mind, I still have sex up on that pedestal that I was raised with. I know it’s not that important to a lot of people anymore (just look at the media.. and I’m in college, I know) but it is to me. To think that he’s felt that way about many other girls—that’s why I’m insecure. No need to figure it out.

Ctrl+Shift+Del

@dazedandconfused “To think that he’s felt that way about many other girls” Are you thinking this or do you know this? Again, your assumptions are your problem.

If it is that important, @dazedandconfused, dump him and find someone that hasn’t had that many partners.

Simple solution. Either keep him, recognize that he isn’t perfect by your standards (which is, by the way, absurd – what do you mean “felt that way about many other girls”?) or move forward.

@FishGutsDale and how old are you?
That level of jealously is not healthy.
And I don’t care if it sounded condescending. The truth hurts, and I don’t like to sugar coat things.
“It is how people deal with jealousy that determines whether they are mature enough or not.”
and the way she is dealing with it, is immature.

@avvooooooo I’m sure he hasn’t. I was saying that’s how it feels in my insecure mind. Because I can’t see myself having sex with anyone that I didn’t feel really strongly about. And if he could with just anyone, then how I see it, it’s not really that big of a deal. I know this isn’t necessarily right, I’m just saying that’s how I feel. I know I shouldn’t, I’m not debating that. I’m looking for ways to get over it.

It’s the people in the relationship that make it special. I’ve been in your boyfriend’s shoes, and if someone tells me they’ve never done something before, I’m glad that it’s special for them, and that makes it special for me. Anyone with even a tiny bit of sensitivity will feel that way, unless it’s just a random hookup. It doesn’t matter if someone has done this or that sex act before, it’s the quality of your connection with each other that counts. Since you said your boyfriend put things to you “bluntly,” maybe he’s being insensitive or argumentative with you. And you’re insecure and jealous about him. Maybe you just shouldn’t be having sex with this guy.

I think it’s natural to be curious about his past partners especially since you haven’t had any others yourself. But satisfying that curiosity isn’t worth the damage it can do to your relationship.

Instead of thinking of his past partners as having “taken” something from you, look at them as having played their “role” in making him the man he is.

Also focus on the fact that despite his having “shopped” around you are the person he is choosing to be with. Not the phantom partners from the past.

They may have enjoyed his sexual favors in the past but you get to enjoy all of him in the present.

If the experience inequity is a huge worry for you then it may be less about his past experiences and more about your feelings of “missing out”. If that is the case you have to really think about if you can live with that.

You have to realize that if he truly cares for you, then when you two do whatever it is that you crazy kids do, it will be special. It will be special because it’s with you.

I was a jealous woman for years. It was something I felt since I can remember. I think it is just ‘in’ some of us. But it will make you miserable. You have to be content in your own skin, I think. And just from personal experience I would say he’s not the man for you. You should feel special and loved with who you’re with, trust, your other half, those things in the books and movies because it’s true.

@Violet I’m 23, which is irrelevant. There simply aren’t enough facts posted from the OP to know if she is being immature or not. Simply posting about how her feelings about this and seeking help on how to overcome these feelings. Don’t know about you but that sounds pretty mature minded to me. Realising that your behaviour is unhealthy and seeking a change. IMO

I’m not sure if it’s his past girlfriends who bother you so much as your insecurity about yourself. It sounds to me like you wonder how he can really be interested in little inexperienced you, when he’s had so many other, much more experienced lovers.

A couple of things about this. First, it sounds like you place a strong emphasis on sex and sexual prowess as a reason why a man would be interested in you. Second, it sounds like you don’t understand why or don’t believe he really is that into you. After all, he is five years older than you—what can he really see in you? It must just be your body.

I think that you are using this jealousy of past girlfriends as a kind of proxy for your true insecurities—about why he is with you. Is it love? In that case, it would be about why he loves you.

You may have asked him these questions in the past, and he may have tried to assure you and reassure you many times. You still don’t seem to believe it.

What would help you feel more secure about his esteem of you? What could make you feel better? You have to feel better about yourself, and that’s not an easy thing to do. I don’t know how old you are, but certainly education makes people feel better.

What I worry about is that you may be tempted to see other guys. You might think to yourself that you want more experience, but it may really be to bolster your self-esteem.

Your boyfriend can only do so much to reassure you. The rest—you have to do. Therapy can help. Accomplishment can help. Having other people like you can help. As to this last one, let me warn you—I am a professional at seeking out love in other places as an attempt to make me feel ok about myself. So far, it hasn’t worked. It’s only caused problems in my primary relationship.

Self-esteem, eponymously, comes from within. Something you have to develop on your own. It’s not easy.

Another warning. If you keep asking him about this stuff, or if you keep needing his reassurance, he will get tired of it sometime, and then you may lose him.

@FishGutsDale Age is very relevant, and you should know that. She is 18, and this is her first serious relationship. Which means she lacks experience. In my first serious relationship, I was super jealous too. But I was also 16 or so, and had no experience in serious relationships. Now, I am not jealous at all.
@faye me too. It took me many years to not be a jealous girlfriend. Now, I am not jealous at all.

@Violet But age is irrelevant. I know people in their 40’s who are still jealous people and always will be. Your saying everyone will grow out of it. Some do, some don’t. But seeking a change is a mature approach to be taking at such a young age. From the facts we can see that is.

Second serious relationship… The first one was from when I was sixteen to eighteen, and I was his first real girlfriend, too, so this wasn’t a problem.. Now I’m nineteen, and have been with this guy for over a year, and officially ‘dating’ for four months, because I wouldn’t date him until after I went away to school. There are the added details.

@FishGutsDale you’re off topic, and totally missing my point. I’m done talking with you.
@dazedandconfused I’m sorry for being so direct, but you have to just get over it. When you start to think about it, tell yourself to get over it and that you don’t care (even though you do).
Also, what are the chances of this relationship lasting forever? Do you really think you are going to marry him?

@Violet Thank you for dismissing me, appreciated. Just because you don’t sugar coat things doesn’t excuse rudeness. Feel free not to reply, or condescend me.

[mod says] Flame off, folks.

Everyone has already said so much, I don’t know if I have much more to add.

One thing that may help is a good level of communication. When he tells you these things (at your request) and you feel jealous, do you let him know that you’re jealous? Or do you try to mask it? In most cases, it’s better/easier to let him know how you’re feeling so that he himself can help quell these feelings. It’s easier to work out a solution together rather than you bottling up these feelings alone. Maybe he doesn’t know that you’re feeling as jealous as you are, and maybe he might phrase things differently, or you two could learn to spice things up in the bedroom, with him experiencing with you what he’s learned over the years.

You can help turn this into a good thing, rather than a bad. I know what it’s like to mask something, and pretend I’m not feeling however jealous I am, but over the years, have to come to understand that it’s better to be honest and keep communication going.

I’ve had what I’m going to call an ‘extensive sexual history’. There isn’t much I’ve done with my current partner that I haven’t already done with someone else. In no way does it lessen the significance of such acts with her. It’s still a lot of fun and I enjoy the time with her.

It’s quite likely that he feels the same way.

It took me about 3–5 serious/semi-serious relationships to not be a jealous person. It helps when you completely trust the person. You will learn form each relationship.

You should be feeling special, because after all these others its you he ended up with. Ask him why he’s with you, and try to find what makes your relationship unique and the others irrelevant.

I don’t think you will ever get over it…I never have. Just embrace the “now” you have with him and cherish this man you found special enough to make love to for your first time. You are fortunate that you had an opportunity for it to be special for you both and don’t let his past take that away from you.

Remember too, you also have a past with many “sexual” firsts that he can get jealous over as well.

If his past is that disturbing to you then maybe you should have thought about that before inquiring and besides if you are not confident enough in this relationship to know you satisfy him….the relationship is already over!

Your situation illustrates one problem with the abstinence doctrine. Parents and church leaders exhort young women to “save” their virginity, but some never addresses the fact that the men they’re going to date might not do the same thing. You made your choice to wait, and, as disillusioning as the reality may be, you will have to accept that others (like your boyfriend) didn’t make the same choice.

Normally, I would tell you what others have said, i.e. don’t ask questions if you can’t live with the answers. But you said that he answers you rather bluntly, which is a problem. That means that he isn’t taking your feelings into consideration. There is a way to convey the truth while still being sensitive to the other person’s feelings.

You also say that the idea of him having a casual relationship is perturbing to you. I can see why that might bother you, but again, you have to come back to the present. Do you think he’s taking your relationship seriously? If so, then try not to worry about the past, because casual relationships are part of the learning experience for many young people, and it doesn’t necessarily affect their ability to have a serious relationship in the future.

If you still feel insecure, perhaps you would be better off seeking a new boyfriend with your same level of experience. They are out there, but you’ll have to wait patiently, because it may take some time to find him.

You are different new and special in the sense that nothing he has done before has been done with you. Its not all the same. He is with you for a reason. My boyfriend has had more partners than me too (he’s only my second) but it doesn’t bother me because there is a reason he’s with me now and not the other girls. It is your business, just try not to worry about it and think how he’s all yours now :)

Just because he had many partners doesn’t mean they were ‘good in bed’ or that he felt good about sleeping with them or whatever – trust me, it’s not like many people are good in bed, lots are cliches in bed…you’re with him now, become the best sex he’s ever had.

All I could really say is focus on/be mindful of your future with him. Not on digging up the past.

I have not read the above.

I don’t know how old you are, but if you are relatively young, under 20, and only lost your virginity recently what you don’t know yet is over time sex becomes very matter of fact instead of so mysterious and something you saved yourself for. You probably put more weight on sexual encounters than he does. For him it was just part of the relationships he had in the past, for you it is something you waited for the right person.

If he was comparing or bragging or doing anything that was purposefully hurtful by talking about these other women I would say he is an ass, but if you are the one asking then I would say stop asking and pay attention to how he treats you; don’t worry about any women before you.

One question I have, forgive me if this was asked aready, do you judge him in anyway for having a sexual past?

I wouldn’t denigrate saved virginity. If you have never undergone a religious fast, you wouldn’t understand.

If sex is a profession or status symbol you need to get to work and start bragging as teenage men are often known to.

There is a well known double standard, and it doesn’t help young couples.

Sexual experience can be helpful, but I am presently not aware of any situations where virginity ruined a relationship. There are definately many practical reasons for limiting premarital sex and pursuing monogamy.

In my 18 years of marriage, I’ve never given my wife shit about her lack of experience. I’m quite OK with teaching.

She however has given me shit about my slutty past.

Oh well. I have broad shoulders.

@JLeslie You said, ”.....what you don’t know yet is over time sex becomes very matter of fact instead of so mysterious and something you saved yourself for.” Exactly what I wanted to say, but couldn’t find the words! So I stole yours! That’s really all there is to it. Sex isn’t a big deal once you start becoming active.

That’s really tough. Maybe you should find a guy who views sex the same way you do. It’s totally understandable why you feel the way you do. It’s also understandable why you’re curious about his sexual past. Try to follow this rule more often, though…: If you don’t want to know the answer to a question, DON’T ASK IT!

@Val123 I hope that it always stays a big deal to me… And to say that it’s not a big deal is basically the same as saying it’s not special, because it’s something you casually do with anyone. That’s my problem with having so many partners.

@dazedandconfused This is why it’s better for you to find a guy who shares the same view of sex as you do. You will probably feel a lot better, too, in the long run. Sex is a big deal for me, too, so you’re not alone. It’s not wrong to view sex as something special that should only be given to someone you care about. Sex these days has become “too commercialized”. I’m glad it still has meaning for you. It’s lost so much of it’s meaning that it pretty much means nothing anymore to a lot of people or they “expect it” like it’s candy or something. It’s really sad what our world has come to. It sounds like your boyfriend just doesn’t share the same view of sex as you do. He sounds very open with his sexuality. It doesn’t mean he is a bad person. That being said, it doesn’t sound like you two are a good match. If you stay with him because of how strong your feelings are for him and how much you’ve invested in the relationship, I can totally understand. Just don’t expect either of you to be happy with this much of a ‘clash’ in sexual personalities.

@dazedandconfused Not being a big deal doesn’t automatically equal having sex with just anyone. I wouldn’t have sex with just anyone…no one at all, actually, except my husband. But after 30 years of being sexually active, you’ve pretty much seen it all (that which you want to see) and done it all (pretty much all that you want to do) and it’s…..just not the major, overwhelming, over riding issue that it is when you first begin.

Someone said you were only 18…is that correct? If so, then this will not be your final boyfriend. You’ll have many other relationships before you find “Mr. Right.” You may become sexually active in several other relationships before then. Or maybe not (I found that after my first encounter it became easier to slip into a physical relationship with others after that, until I got married….looking back, that wasn’t so much a good thing, and I’m not proud of it. After all was said and done, I was married for 10 years, then divorced and single for 10 more after that. During my single life, I only had sex with one person during all of those ten years. Sometimes it was tough, but for my own self esteem I held out.)

When I was younger, your age, I was also insecure about my boyfriends previous relationship’s, and not just because of the sex. You’ll get over it!

You know what, @westy81585? There’s no need to call people names. Usually I find that when people call others names it’s because they have no leg to stand on. If you want to state a point of view, then go ahead. But please provide supporting evidence and do it without demeaning the person you are talking to. Otherwise, there’s no way anyone will listen to you.

@daloon I’m alright with that.

@westy81585 I don’t understand how anything I said makes me a “bitch”. I know what it’s like to be in her shoes, although not to that extent. I was saying things how I saw them. Would you rather me lie about my opinion? I, too, was once with someone who views sex differently than I do. We weren’t a good match. I’m much happier now that I’m with someone who has more similar views when it comes to sex… I’m taking from my own experience in the advice I’ve given. It doesn’t mean that she has to follow it or agree with it. I’ve also shown that I realize that she may end up staying with him because of how much she’s invested in the relationship and how strong her feelings are for him. In the end, I care about what’s best for both of them. If they can make it work, that’s awesome. If they can’t, well, how else can you say that they aren’t a good match? So, in conclusion, you’re calling me a bitch for caring about not only her happiness, but also her boyfriend’s, even though I don’t even know them.

*Something else I want to note is that her boyfriend may not be open with his sex life to you, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t open about it with her. All I had to go on was the information she gave us.

@daloon Thank you.

Now I really want to know what @westy81585 said!!

@Val123 haha, it was pretty comical

@westy81585—Well….someone told me what was said, said it was directed at me, and THAT made no sense in the context of my post! But @AnonymousGirl thought it was directed at her! Really, you must attempt to avoid communication confusion in situations such as that.

@Val123: That’s because @westy81585 mentioned both of us.

@AnonymousGirl Oh! Now it’s clear….as mud!

hahahahaha

I felt the same way. I’m almost 25, he’s my second serious relationship and honestly, he’s the only guy I’ve dated that’s had a sexual history (he’s four years older). We’ve been together two years. I dated all through high school, in college and had my first serious relationship that lasted almost 3 years (we both were virgins). I didn’t have any of those feelings or issues with previous boyfriends, just with the one I’m with now. I even casually dated a guy in high school that had had sex, but I think it didn’t bother me because I couldn’t see myself with him.

I saved my virginity, not because of religious reasons, but I hated seeing my high school friends torn up about a guy, have sex, break up and regret it. I didn’t want to be that girl that slept around, sex isn’t hard to learn after doing it a couple of times. I had sex with my current boyfriend of two years, six months into our relationship. And I don’t regret waiting.

He had sex with three other girls before me, and often dated around. He is fully committed, and he is reassuring and understanding of I feel. He knows I wanted to be first not fourth, but as time went on… and hopefully this will happen to you… the jealousy with subside. Sometimes it still creeps up.

Have you tried talking to him about it? Not in a condemning way, but in a way where he understands where you’re coming from and understands perhaps, more why you sometimes act the way you do. I used to bottle it up inside, and eventually I opened up and told him. He was very open and honest with me, and he appreciated and understood where I was coming from. He can’t change the past – neither can your boyfriend. But he can regret things, he probably knows things were a mistake. But if he doesn’t give you any hint that he’s not fully committed you don’t need to worry. But perhaps talking to him or a close friend, you can find more comfort and rest in the situation.

Honey, get a new boyfriend – always works for me!