Would you rather live in a broken home or a split home?

I believe this is a “I have to talk about it because it hurts so bad” scenario under the guise of a question.

You are seventeen, right? Talk to someone. Someone who is not a stranger. Someone who can help. Just watching and writing won’t help. Or leave. In one year you’ll be eighteen. With enough hard work, you can leave and support yourself.

To answer your “question:” I would (if I had to) live in a broken home. Two parents are often more capable at providing for basic survival needs then one. Two times the man power. If one loses their job, then there is still one parent working.

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I’m sorry. The above appears harsh, but its my practical answer.

@EgaoNoGenki People who ask questions like this really should be willing to read longer questions.

You really, drastically missed the mark and was very dismissive.

@cheesecakeattack I wish I had something good to tell you but addiction and the kind of malfunctioning you describe I cannot even imagine how to stop.

Yes, I would say that living in a broken home, as in the parents separated and did not use you in a tug of war or other bitter parental warfare, is better than that. There is no guarantee that, in your case, splitting the homes would do the trick.

Since there is actual domestic abuse to yourself and your siblings, and towards your mother, maybe you should think of taking action to stop it. I do not know enough about your situation to advise you on that one.

It is trite but I am going to say it: it shall not be forever. That does not help now but, still, it shall not be forever.

I went through a similar situation only it was my brother who was the drunk, vicious, I’m gonna kill you, kill mom, kill dad, kill your dog kind of guy. I hated him and I wanted to kill him but I didn’t want to go to jail and I wasn’t old enough to know how.

It definitely affected my entire life. I was so screwed up and didn’t even know it until I hit about 40 something and my life was in shambles.

Then I found 12 step programs and a really good pastoral counselor. Between them I managed to figure out what was wrong and take some steps to improve my life.

There are 3 groups for you to try, one of the 3 will feel like home, maybe all 3 will, the more you go, the quicker you heal. Look in your phone book for Alanon, they can direct you to Alateen and ACOA. You sound as full of rage as I was so probably alateen and ACOA are what you need, ACOA is adult child of an alcoholic.

go to this site http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/humor/ht/contactalanon.htm
there is an 800 number for you to call or directions about how to find meetings in your area.

I am not kidding, they saved my life. You are lucky, you are realizing much younger than I was that this is really screwing you up. You will be on the road to recovery long before I even knew I needed it. Good luck and pm me if you want to talk.

@Arisztid and @rooeytoo have a point. You, as a young adult, need to take action now for the sake of yourself and your family. The kind of abuse will only hurt you more the longer you’re in it. If you do nothing now, it might backfire for the rest of your life. There’s still hope now.

Yeah, I know, a different tone than my first answer, and maybe even two faced. I’ll think more before I post.

I’m going through the same thing and I can totally relate. I’ve tried to get help for my fathers addictions as well but to no avail. I’m now trying
to get my mother to leave
him and this destructive
environment. If she doesn’t,
then I’m out of here.

It’s a matter of creating a safe environment for you and your siblings.

There ARE situations worse than foster homes and this sounds Luke it could be one of them. If your sibblings are younger than you, please call the authorities. They deserve a chance to try and salvage what’s left of their childhood.

i’ve tried living with someone i wasn’t in love with anymore and it was horrible i would rather live in a split home

From how you worded it, it appears as though you are just now realizing the depth of the dysfunction in your family, which immediately lead you to a fuller understanding of the depth of abuse you and your siblings have suffered, mentally perhaps moreso, than physically. While you are adjusting, feel free to be angry all you want, but hold off on the hatred. Getting that anger out of you is VERY healthy, but the hate will eat you alive. The damage caused to you by that hatred won’t be your parent’s fault. It will be yours.

It is very important that you allow yourself TIME to adjust to these realizations. Unfortunately, this partly IS due to teen angst, but hear me out! That does not discount your feelings in any way. You need to know that your family situation is NOT unusual, even if it does hurt like hell. But that is good news for you, because it also means that there is PLENTY of help available, should you decide to reach out into the community and grab it. That help would not be there in abundance, if this wasn’t an epidemic.

I feel the need to urge you to make contact with agencies or a counselor at school. It does not matter one whit whether this idea appeals to you or not. There is more than one child suffering here, and you have the responsibility to help them. I don’t care if you don’t want to do it. You think you’re fucked up now? How much worse do you think it’s going to be for you children if you sit on this much longer? Somebody has to do the right thing here, and it isn’t going to be the parents. You have the opportunity to save your sibling’s lives. Do it.

Telephone Numbers & Websites:
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911

United Way – 211

Boys and Girl’s Club of America – 1–800-854-CLUB

Teenage Hotline – http://www.pamf.org/teen/hotlines.html

My wife came from a dysfunctional family, just like yours. today, she has bad memories of her childhood, just like you. my wife is a survivor. her dad was an alcoholic and beat the whole family. i knew this when we married. i have attempted to help her for many years and she is now a fantastic person. back then, my wife did not have the ammunition to fight back, as you do today. you have a life and you are a person with certain rights. first, you are going to need proof of the abuse. take photos when your dad is at his lowest and your mother also. when an assault occurs, take more photos and you call the police. you do not have to live in this misery. you have long enough. the police will come and make a report and take the appropriate action. if there is physical damage to anyone and its observed by the police, the officer can make an arrest by himself. no private prosecution is necessary. once you take care of the immediate action, then its time for you to receive the attention you need. the officers can also help you with the right person to contact for your consultation. you do not have to deal with this situation alone. it appears you have for many years and its time for its ending. next time, make the call to the police. you have a right to peace and your personal space, just like everyone else. john

I’m sorry that I can’t give you any better advice than @rooeytoo @phillis @naivete have already given you. I come from a dysfunctional but wealthier background. The only thing I can add : At a certain point you have to look to your own survival. Get out when you can, get the best education and job skills you can, use the military route if you have to. Some situations cannot be repaired. Make the best life you can for yourself and resolve not to repeat your parents mistakes in your life. Your decision to stay clear of drugs and alcohol is wise. Addiction tendency is considered inheritable. +GQ

The advice that Rooey gave you contains the most important phone numbers for you to use.

I grew up in the exact same situation and did not have access to this type of help until much later.

There are others going through what you are. Depending where you’re located, some Al-Anon groups also have Al-Teen groups. Both this group and Acoa are designed specifically for relatives and friends of alcoholics and addicts. You shouldn’t have any trouble fitting in.

The phone lines are manned by people experienced with first time callers. They will even arrange for rides to and from meetings for you if transportation is a problem. These are the folks you need to be with.

I know that you mentioned that you cut yourself off from people. That’s not unusual for what you are dealing. But these are the folks who can provide the guidence and listening ears that your parents lack.

Call today. You won’t regret it. There is real life help and support for you from folks who have walked in your shoes. We here on the Internet are limited but there is real life help available regardless of where you live. There are AA groups all over the world. And wherever there is an AA group, there is help for the families as well. Please call today.

If you have any problems getting in touch with someone, PM me. I’ve been down this road.

@cheesecakeattack You have some excellent advice and direct numbers to help. Please strongly think of using them for your physical health’s sake as well as mental.

Get some counselling about the problem. Try to get a good education as fast as possible in order to leave that place. Seek out other relatives to live with…dont shut them out. Always say to yourself that if you have kids one day that you wont put them through that same anguish….dont repeat the cycle.

I am inspired by what seems to be your drive to move on from the crap and dysfunction you are enduring. Your goal should be to become a functioning independent person. Do not repeat the mistakes of your parents. NEVER drink or use drugs, it is very possible your genes are susceptible to addiction. Try to spend time around friends who have goals and happy families, it might make you uncomfortable to be around these people or maybe you fel ashamed or jealous, but do not feel that way, you should know that many many, probably most people have dysfunction in their families of some sort or another, don’t feel jipped! The people I know who dwell on how they were cheated out of happiness as a child usually don’t do well. The people I know who are open with the craziness in their family and realize everyone has a little bit of shit to deal with seem better adjusted. Although I would not discourage you from being able to vent with people who understand your situation by going to ALONON or something similar.

You will get your chance to fly solo and have a great life!! I really believe it. How old are you? Study, go to college, and be independent of your family. I am not suggesting you never speak to them again or anything so extreme. But, know this, finincial independence helps to make you independent so being successful in a career is the first step away from the chaos.

I believe people should get away from each other when they have more negative going on than positive, even more so when they have kids. This goes against what most people actually do, and saying all the while, “we stay together for the kids”. To me, that’s a bunch of bs and most kids would be better off with just one parent or other family members.

For you to know your background and current situation isn’t enough to exempt you from emotionally turmoil to come when you pursure your own relationships. I agree with @JLeslie who suggests you find support with a group like Al Anon or Narc Anon for families/friends of abusers so you can spot problem behaviors in others and immediately make the associations to the baggage that goes with it. There’s not much satisfaction in being noble or being a martyr to try and love people who won’t make the efforts to be good to themselves.

i would much rather stay away from those kind of meetings and phone calls. i dont think i’m emotionally stable and i know i would react in a negative way if people showed pity towards me. i dont feel like breaking down in front of people. talking to someone on the phone about this would be really hard and i dont think i can do it. ive thought of it before, dialed the number and always hung up. i’ve thought of everything, but i’ve shut my doors and locked them.

i feel like im strong enough to go on by myself, but i know thats not true. the only time im comfortable talking about this (this is actually the first time) is over the internet, anonymously.

i appreciate all the advice and whatnot, and i have read it all, but i don’t want to put the burden of this all on you guys. i just wanted your opinion on the subject.

Fair enough, @cheesecakeattack. Ironic that you would use the door analogy. Whether your door was open or not was something I was wondering, anyway. It takes one to know one.

It is not until you get the secrets out that you can become a spectator to it instead of a victim of it. Do you know the 3 c’s? They tell you to remember that you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. All you can do is control yourself. Groups are full of people with the same sort of fear of breaking down, fear of most everything there is to be afraid of.

If you want to get better I hope you get to a meeting and try it on for size. They don’t lock you in, if you don’t like it you get up and leave. Until you try it though you will never know. And if you don’t feel at home at the first meeting you try, go to another and another and another until you find one that fits you.

There is a HUGE difference between pity and empathy.

I can certainly understand you reacting against someone pitying you. That can be rather demeaning even tho the other person may not intend that.

Empathy on the other hand is quite different. Empathy comes with understanding from someone who has walked in your shoes. And I mean EXACTLY in your shoes. These are not syrupy do-gooders. These are people who themselves have parents or relatives who are alcoholics and addicts. Many of them have gone through similar abuse to your own. They will definitely not be offering pity.

What they will offer is their own struggles, setbacks as well as progress in dealing with the same issues as you.

You don’t have to say a word unless you want to. You can just sit in meetings and listen. They may offer comments of encouragement to share but believe me no one is interested in forcing you.

As a matter of fact you could say you’re doing research or whatever. It’s entirely up to you.

If there had been Al-Ateen groups when I was 17 yrs old, I could have been spared a lot of years of misery and confusion feeling isolated from the entire rest of everybody else around me cuz I figured that no one could possibly understand the hell I went through in my family.

If I had known there were others like me…

Well, anyhow, I can’t change my own history. And I certainly can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. All I can do is to let you know that I’ve been there and let you know that there is a realistic source of help out there for you and try to clear up any misconceptions you may have about it.

Pity will not do you much good. But that’s not what you will get from people who have been (and maybe still are) exactly in your situation. You won’t get pity, but you will get understanding (empathy) along with some real life practical tips and advice based upon their experiences.

You may also get some realistic hope that things can change for you. Maybe it won’t change your parents, but it may perhaps change something inside you it could give you some hope and fortify your desire to create something different for you and your siblings.

But, the choice is yours. Just remember. We are all only as sick as our secrets.

When you are tired of carrying the burden of the secrets of alcoholic chaos all by yourself, there is an alternative available when you are ready.

When you’re tired of the isolation and loneliness, you can find a meeting and just go to sit and listen as many times as necessary until you feel safe enough to share. Carrying this burden alone does not have to be your only option. There are other options for you.

When I finally got up the guts to tell only a small bit of what was going on to a school guidance counselor, he spent the next year making sure that I applied to the right colleges, signed up for the proper exams and especially the one for scholarships. ( Obviously my parents were too wrapped up in their own selfish dysfunction and anger to provide any sensible guidance along these lines)

His steering me in the right direction to be able to help myself changed the course of my life immeasurably at a critical time.

It wasn’t pity that was offered to me, but instead a very practical direction to enable me to get the he’ll out of there and end up with a viable career to be self sufficient for the rest of my life.

I still had to put in the work to make it happen but we all need some help at times. He recognized that he couldn’t magically change my parents, but he could point me in the right direction to change the course of my own life.

There is no shame in seeking help. You should seriously consider reaching out to someone. It could make all the difference for the rest of your life ( and for your siblings as well)

If you don’t fell comfortable going to group meetings, pick a teacher whom you trust or even a guidance counselor. There is help available but people aren’t mind readers. You have to take the first step no matter how small.

There just isn’t a whole lot that strangers on the Internet can do other than give you advice.

Most of those responding have given you similar advice to reach out for some type of help. Beyond that, no matter how well-intentioned, there is nothing more that we can do.

Hopefully, you will take one little step out of the isolation to get some help. You really don’t have to deal with this all alone.

@cheesecakeattack How old are you?

You say you would act in a negative way…do you mean become emotional, cry; or that you would get angry and lose your temper? I am not trying to convince you to call an 800 number or go to a meeting, I am just curious your reaction to discussing the stress you are under.

I am a little worried that you might develop poor communication skills with people who you have relationships with now and in the future (both friendships and love interests). I might be way off base, but people with addiction problems tend to be poor communicators, very bad at handeling their feelings, tend to stifle things, and so even if you are not an addict you still might have a poor example of how to have a healthy relationship if your parents are like this.

When I was young I thought all married couples disliked each other. My sister and I used to wish my parents would get divorced. No one was abusing drugs, but my parents faught a lot. My father was very demanding and needy a lot of the time. We were embarrased that our house was rather messy, and so felt uncomfortable having friends over. Anyway, I am stunned to be in a happy marriage. I think I easily could have wound up in a bad one. Having taken some psych classes and communications classes in school helped me tremendously, along with going to therapy at different times. I also somehow tend to be very forgiving, I don’t hold onto anger much, rarely feel the need to hold a grudge. My sister, the story is very different, she is an angry girl in many ways, very intolerant, has trouble finding a long term relationship she can be happy in. I believe she lives with a lot of shame, and shame will rot your soul I have found over time. She did go through more pain than I did growing up, so it is not apples to apples, but I wish she could free herself mentally from the burden. I worry about that same burden for you. I don’t know if I am making sense. As I said earlier I feel optimistic for you, just writing this question and your determination to make a change makes me hopeful.

@JLeslie She said she was 17.

Move out as soon as you can and become self sufficient…...I’m so sorry, but I like where your head is at in this…...It’s gonna take work, but you’ll come out OK.

@Spinel I couldn’t disagree with you more about a broken home being preferable to a split home. With problems THAT severe getting people out of the picture is the best thing that could happen.