How to over-come the fear of men & relationships?

I’m in same boat

i’d say to just put yourself out there and try to face your fears. they’re obviously deeply rooted so maybe you should google this and see what professionals suggest, or seek therapy. you can get over it, but it will probably take a little work.

If you get into a support group, of women in similar situations, it would be a great benefit. Think of it this way: such a group would understand exactly what you’re going through and could offer recovery solutions.

Have any of these guys asked you out? Would it hurt to go on a few dates with some of them?

This answer is strictly from a mans point of view. believe it or not, there are still some good men out here. the rotten apples, i call leeches, you call them users. i have answered many domestic calls where this type of situation prevailed. most of the men users were given a 30-Writ of Eviction and finally left the scene. my suggestion to you is like the suggestion i gave to my granddaughter, when she turned 18. “things that have happened to you in the past are just that, in the past. from this day forward, you are turning the page in your Book of Life and a new chapter has just begun. only you can make a difference in your life. i can preach to you until i am red in the face. it will only be in vein, if you are not listening”. when my granddaughter turned 18, a change for the good came over her. she now has two beautiful babies and a great husband. you can do the same for yourself, i cannot make you do this, the people on Fluther cannot make you do this. so, grab a book and pretend its your Book Of Life and let some of your male friends get close to you.

I think that your best bet for understanding how your past has shaped your present is to seek out a good therapist and work with them.

This is a difficult situation to get over by yourself.

Good luck.

Do you like any of these men who are showing interest in you?

If you don’t, then what you are doing is right.

Don’t let a few bad experiences askew your view of the entire gender. We’re probably not all knights either, but the majority of us (I really hope) know how to properly treat a woman.

As for relationships I was in the exact same boat the other way around, genderwise. I tried professional help and it was insightful. But I’m the kind of person to do things on my own and basically used my therapist as a backboard to bounce ideas off of more or less. So now I just go with the flow, as simple as that sounds. No point in looking back (there’s nothing you can do about it,) and no point in worrying about the future (you can never predict it.) All you can do is live life in the present, enjoy it as much as you can, and have no regrets. Nobody gets anywhere without taking risk.

But that’s just my two bits. See a professional. It helps a lot. Best of luck to you.

@Haroot – looking back can be good. As long as you don’t beat yourself up about your mistakes or make huge generalizations (like saying “all men are terrible” from a few experiences of men). Looking back is good if you learn from your mistakes.

I’d like to add a little something I’ve learned the hard way: Don’t rush into anything. Six months is the magic time frame for that giddy “in love” feeling that feels SO damn good. Then it goes away. There is time enough after that to see if you have a really solid relationship. Another thing is,and I KNOW people are going to think wrong of me when I say this, DON’T KISS. Kissing releases endorphins and pheromones that contribute to that giddy sense that I was telling you about but they have nothing to do with what type of relationship you want. It’s strictly chemical but is misinterpreted. It does NOT mean love. If we dated for at least six months before kissing, we’d all be in better shape. We’d have reached a stage where we knew if we wanted to stay together or not, and that kiss would be like a confirmation. It would MEAN something. You see? Have you noticed on those wretched dating shows, the first thing these idiots do is kiss. Why?
Good luck honey. Having recently gotten out of a very bad “user guy” relationship, I can look back and see a lot of mistakes that I made. The good thing is that I have no intention of making them again.

Stop looking for a “knight in shining armor”. Everyone you date doesn’t need to be someone you will marry. I will never marry my GF, we both know this. We just enjoy hanging out and fucking.

Thank you to everyone for your responses, but johnpowell- I don’t agree with “just fucking” your best friend- that is using the person. Sorry if you disagree. And I realize that it was a false idea I had of men being a “knight in shining armor”. I believe in being confident within myself and learning to develop it through-out my Life.

@Trillian- date for six months and NO kissing?! I agree with your answer, but how do you not at least kiss? What do you do with the physical attraction?

@fancyfeast :: we are both over 30.. We know and discuss our relationship. Nobody is being used.

@TLRobinson, I believe it will be a test of self restraint, kind of like not eating chocolate. People did it all the time a hundred years ago. All I know for sure is that I’ve rushed or allowed myself to be rushed every time and ended up regretting it. I’m never so horny that I can’t survive, and giving myself away has availed me nothing. I have more value for myself than I used to. A man can either appreciate me for what else I have to offer or go take his pick of the multitude of women who will give themselves away for a smile and a nod. Lord knows, there are plenty around of both sexes who have no thought whatsoever about having sex, like it signifies nothing. And if I stay alone for the rest of my life? Well, at least I won’t have to change my phone number and move and start over every two or three years. I should be able to afford that trip to Peru in a year or so, that’s got to count for something.

@Trillian- I’m seriously cutting and pasting this. What awesome insight. Thank you so much.

When you do get into another relationship – please recall that you really need to be able to communicate – don’t be a whiney, complainer, but when things are not going as you believe they should they need to be talked about sooner rather than later. And remember, that a relationship has to be founded on not trying to keep score. Sometimes you will contribute more than you should, sometimes your partner will contribute more than they should—- but communications and a full understanding what the rules of the game are with periodic discussions will keep things on an even keel. You also may wish to read some of the better books on Man/Woman – they are very different in many aspects in the way they operate – Men want to solve problems, women want to talk about them. Believe me, that really needs to be understood. And there are many more pitfalls. Man is from Mars, Women are from Venus is one book that comes to mind. There are many very good ones.

@TLRobinson Wow. That’s really nice of you to say. I expect most people to discount my ideas because I know they’re really not mainstream and I’m generally in the minority whatever the topic happens to be. I hope you have success with this. I know that I plan on it.

Look for the imperfect man. And don’t try to be perfect yourself. Relationships work better when both sides develop strategies to deal with the imperfections.