What causes a person to have a "fear of sex"?

Was your first time traumatic? Did it hurt a lot? Why do you have friends that think vaginismus is ever an appropriate answer?

Find a sympathetic gynecologist….preferably a woman. Ask your friends for a recommendation. You don’t have to give any reason.

Is it painful for you? I know the first time is usually a little painful and uncomfortable but after the first time did you continue to feel pain during penetration? If so I suggest you see a gynecologist.

There could be any number of causes for this.. from sexual abuse as a child to a traumatic sexual experience .. to just plain phobia .. I’m not sure we have enough information on the subject to make the call here..

Perhaps you should talk to a sex therapist.

Some women do have a fear of penetration, and it can come from many sources, It is a psychological fear, and it can be dealt with either by the help of a therapist or by you can try and solve it yourself. I think the main thing is to let your boyfriend know so he can help you and go easy. I think plenty of lubrication and getting you warmed up before penetration, with maybe oral sex would help. Then you should be a bit more loosened up (please excuse the pun, it was unintentional). The thing is that because you have a fear, you have a tendency to clam up and that makes it hurt more. You really have to just try and relax. I know it is easier said than done, but have your boyfriend start with a massage maybe and continue in that way.

for some reason, and i dont know why either, i used to be very afraid of sex. this was before i had sex for the first time, but knew that it was going to happen soon. while i was 16–17 i would say. i had this huge fear that penetration would be horrendously painful and it wouldn’t “fit”. i had no reason to think this. my boyfriend at the time wasn’t huge. or i would gross myself out thinking of how it could possibly be “torn” down there if i wasn’t properly lubricated. ew i’m grossing myself out now too thinking about it.

but the thing is that it’s pretty silly to think stuff like this. i got over it a while ago, thank god. because really, there is nothing to be afraid of. if you’re scared because you think it’s gonna hurt, then i think that’s pretty normal. i think once you start having sex more regularly you wont think as much of it. this is awkward for me to say but my boyfriend right now is on the larger side and i was rather nervous at first that it would be painful and honestly it IS sometimes but it’s a good pain and it goes away after a thrust or two and its totally worth it….so just tell yourself NO PAIN NO GAIN GIRLFRIEND AND GO GET IT

Maybe you had a bad experience, you weren’t ready, or you just felt icky and regretful about the whole thing. I haven’t really felt fearful about sex, but sometimes I just don’t want it or I feel repulsed by the idea of doing anything sexual. Part of the reason a lot of people don’t get what they want out of sex is that our culture is so focused on intercourse as the only “real” sex act. We think of things like oral sex, masturbation, using toys, or touching other parts of the body as foreplay, stuff that we do before the “real” sex happens. This is too bad because it means that a we miss out on a lot of great experiences. If you want to start getting over your fear, you definitely need to take things at your own pace. In fact, you should probably start without your boyfriend even being present, by masturbating or maybe getting a small vibrator. When you are ready, include him and take things very slowly, and take penetration completely off the table for a while. That will probably make you feel a lot less anxious about other sex acts, because you won’t have to worry that they’re leading to something.

Because sex is disgusting and a somewhat violent act. You have reason to be scared.

@HTDC not helpful

Sorry, just answered honestly from my point of view of what sex is. Perhaps I should sugar coat it for you next time.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir If it gives you any idea of what my first time was like, I felt very pressured by that particular boyfriend. It’s not completely his fault as I encouraged him and even felt I was ready before I ended up “losing my virginity” to him. My first time was very painful, but I was already expecting it to be painful before it even happened. Physical pain is something that I avoid to a very large degree. I do consider him to be the person I “lost my virginity” to because the blood and everything was there. However, he never made it all the way in. My body just wouldn’t “let” him. No matter how gentle he tried to be with me, it’s still something that I tried to avoid . . . and I avoid even now with my current boyfriend. Anyway, with the first guy, he ended up telling me that “that wasn’t sex” and that “sex is supposed to be pleasurable”. He’d get very frustrated and angry with me. He’d make up reasons why I didn’t seem to want to have sex with him. He’d ask me if I really didn’t want it, which I’d say that I do . . . which is messed up, because I also felt “pressured”, even though I’d given him “consent”. Does that make sense? I did want it, but I didn’t want it to be “painful”. The problem is that it’s always painful for me, no matter how many times I ‘try’. Even if I try and relax, it doesn’t help. There’s gotta be something wrong with me. Anyway, it was a guy friend I used to have who suggested I might have vaginismus. He showed me a website about it and everything and a lot of the symptoms are symptoms I have. I grew up in an extremely religious household where premarital sex is looked down on and considered a “sin”. It’s been drilled into me since I was young that sex is ONLY beautiful in “marriage”. With the guy I lost my virginity to, even if I ended up enjoying anything we did, I’d sooner or later end up in a period of extreme guilt where I felt “dirty”, “disgusting”, and “degraded”, like I was a “slut”, even though I’d only done physically sexual things with one person at that point. On top of that, there was the added fear of pain, which made things worse on my end.

@AnonymousGirl Yah it sounds like you’re a victim of that pre-marriage it’s a sin BS.

Unless it’s not properly lubricated (which I guess if you mentally are fearing it your body may not be producing it’s own lubrication properly), or if your partner is particularly huge, it shouldn’t hurt. Barring physical medical conditions (such as growths or tumors inside your vagina), those are the only reasons it would physically hurt.

Honestly, it sounds to me like the combination of your first time being somewhat pressured, and your upbringing that tried convincing you it’s wrong to have premarital sex (which btw, i HATE people that mess their kids up like that), you have been mentally scarred to some degree and fear sex. My suggestions;

-First and foremost, STOP hating yourself or whatever for this (maybe it’s not hating, but just reading your posts it doesn’t sound like you like yourself because you have this problem). You just have to deal with it, and believe it or not I’m very sure you’re not the only person in the world with this problem.

-Second, RELAX. This one is significantly harder to do, but try your best. Stop thinking about something being “wrong” with you. If you do that, you’ve already lost, because you won’t stop thinking about it. Just sit back and enjoy the moment if something intimate is happening, and stop worrying about whether or not you’ll be able to perform/enjoy/not fear it.

-Third, try talking about this with your current bf. Explain to him how you feel, why you feel, etc. Explain to him that you want to make love to him but are afraid, and you need him to talk you through it. Have him explain why he loves you. Basically just talk it out. In fact he’s probably the first person you should talk with. If he’s worth your time, this won’t be an issue and he’ll gladly try and help in any way he can.

-Fourth, forget about this “you’re a slut, dirty, disgusting” BS. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with premarital sex of any kind. You are your own person, don’t let the screwed up beliefs of anyone else, including your parents, determine how you feel about sex. If you WANT to wait til marriage, fine, do it. If you want to sleep with every guy you know (use protection) but go for it. If you want to wait til you’re in love with a boy (or girl, like I do) then do it then. But don’t feel dirty at all, because you’re not.

Fifth, I would honestly recommend you “experiment” with yourself a bit. Like masturbation stuff. I don’t know if you do at all, and I don’t need to know. But exploring your own body and finding out what you like and how stuff feels will go a long way towards eliminating a fear of sex imo.

Lastly, if this problem persists, do not fear seeking professional help. There’s nothing wrong with talking to a psychiatrist or counselor if you have a problem, probably ⅓ of all the people you know will at some point. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to check out a gynecologist, just in case it does turn out to be a physical ailment that may need medical intervention.

Best of luck.

Wow, no wonder you’re afraid of it. Your first boyfriend was really selfish… he seems to have cared a lot more about getting laid than about what you wanted, and he tried to put the blame on you by making up reasons why you didn’t want it and getting angry. With that plus your religious upbringing, it makes a lot of sense that you can’t relax enough to have sex.

@westy81585 isn’t completely right about what could cause sex to hurt. Not enough lubrication, your partner being too big, or a medical condition are all possible, but sex also hurts if you’re not turned on or if you can’t relax. Basically when any woman is aroused, physical changes happen that allow them to have sex- the vagina is too small to fit a penis otherwise. If you try to have sex when you’re not sure that you want it, it will hurt. If you can take it very slowly and go at your own pace, having some positive experiences with sex might eventually help you feel better about this.

I’m kind of inclined to agree with your friend about the Vaginismus. At your next appointment with your OGBYN, you should bring it up and ask for advice. There may be safe medications or things you can do at home to help the muscles relax in your vagina.

Your boyfriend was a jerk and should have been more understanding. And I agree the “premarital sex is a sin” stuff is… not helping here. It’s not a tactic I would ever take with my children but I’m not surprised that some people still believe in it.

The OBGYN will likely recommend physical things to help you with this problem. You still need other help though. You can help yourself by figuring out how you really feel about sex. Are you okay with premarital sex? Take some time and think about it. Perhaps going to a counselor to talk over your feelings about sex will help you decrease those guilt episodes.

You should also find a guy who is willing to go super super slow with you. It’s not impossible. My boyfriend and I didn’t have sex until we were dating for 9 months. I was afraid of sex but I didn’t have the same tensing problems you did. I was more afraid of the feeling and if I was okay with it. Basically, if you are interested in premarital sex, you should find a guy who will understand and work with you to try to get your body used to the idea.

If you decide you aren’t actually interested in premarital sex or you just can’t get your body used to the idea, maybe you will have to wait until marriage. There’s nothing wrong with that either. Just do what your body is okay with and what you actually want. It may mean more fights with future boyfriends but to be honest, you need someone who can help the situation or be okay with it. Not someone to add to the guilt. Sex shouldn’t be painful (unless you want it to be), should be an amazing experience, and should be something that brings you and your partner together.

the penis maybe too large , or they are just too self consious , if thts how you spell it ,

I can relate to you completely and I can say from experience that none of these people came up with ideas I haven’t tried. I’ve never had a painful experience or anything traumatic at all. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Being married for two years it’s put a dent in my relationship. He’s been extremely understanding and tries to do everything as sweet as possible but I still have panic attacks. For me I have the worst panic attacks when I orgasm. I find sex so stressful now that even though I want it I can’t bring myself to do it. Sadly I have no advice to give because I can’t find an answer but I know how you feel.