Am I doing the right thing?

Allow yourself to be walked on and you will be trampled. Treat others how you’d like to be treated. To simply put it: no; I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. Following through would just show that it was “no big deal”.

And.. wholy cow; hanging up on people is soooo damn childish!

Hmmm. Kind of a tough one. You have already said yes. Is the kid dressed warmly enough? I’d probably go get her simply because there is a child involved. But I would then make it clear not to call me ever again. Friends like this are a stress agent that no one needs.

I think your agreement to provide transportation is a separate issue from the disagreement. You had already agreed to drive. Following through on this would have made you the bigger person (in my opinion).

@Trillian : There might be a child involved, but it’s up to the parent to make sure he/she is dressed for the weather. Not to rely on a friend giving a ride. Parents should be prepared for the weather this time of year..

To a certain extent, just like a child with ADD, a person with depression has to accept the consequences of his/her actions in spite of his/her illness. Maybe she lost her temper and hung up on you because of her depression, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s incredibly rude to hang up on a person, as well as incredibly foolish if you’d wanted a favour from that person. Don’t go easy on her just because she has depression. Christ, who doesn’t have depression these days!? Not that you should be in the position of teaching her, but how is she going to learn to behave properly if she never has to deal with the consequences of behaving improperly?

As you said, it’s not that cold out and the walk isn’t too long. She made her bed, let her lie in it.

Since she has emotional problems, cut her some slack when she comes to you to apologize. (Even if that means so much slack that you approach her first, and do your share of the apologizing first.)

@Trillian @ElleBee Oh, I have no doubts that he’s dressed plenty warmly enough.

@Austinlad Yes, and I changed my mind. To me, coming to get her (which was more of a favor than a necessity) after she did that gives a message, “It’s OK to treat me like shit.” It isn’t.

You did the right thing in addressing exactly what happened and showing her you’re not going to over react (like she did) but you’re not going to sweep her behavior under the carpet either. Sit on your hands and don’t answer the phone if she calls to suddenly make up and then you end up running her errand. She needs to slow down and think about the possible consequences of her actions when she disrespects people. As her friend, she needs to learn to treat you better even if it’s by small steps like this :)

@hungryhungryhortence Too funny. I almost said “forcing myself to sit on my hands….” but then I knew I couldn’t type if I did that, so I left that part out!
Good Answer @hungryhungryhortence….my thoughts keep going back to that Q that Avooo posted about people using a disability as an excuse…..

Well, when I was depressed I was always testing how much people cared about me. I wasn’t doing it on purpose, nor consciously, but I did it. So I would push them away to see if they would still stick around. If they stayed away, it proved to me that they really didn’t like me. If the person I pushed away stuck around, I would often push harder. I was 75% willing to lose everything because I felt so bad I didn’t deserve anything.

Also, my emotions were all over the place. I was impulsive, reacting in random ways. Things that normally would just seem like small irritations, suddenly become causes to abandon my life.

Eventually, I got better, and I thanked people who stood by me during my illness. I stopped contacting people who disappeared while I was sick. Except one person. My best friend from “before.” It took me a year of being well to get to the point where I could reach out to him, and tell him what happened.

Anyway, that’s just my experience.

@daloon No worries. I’ll never leave her, and she knows it. Thanks so much for your insight….I really, truly can not relate, at all. I’m basically a level, contented person who rolls with the punches, goes with the flow. I don’t sweat the small stuff.

@daloon: I’m glad you wrote in that if people stuck by you then you’d push even harder because this is what happens a lot and people wonder, “if I’m good to you why do you still treat me like people who don’t treat you good?”. In @Val123‘s situation, I think passing by this one particular errand/request but still affirming the friendship is important. The friend will learn she is still valued but that particular reaction/behavior isn’t.

@daloon Is it like….you’re going to leave me, so I’ll leave you first?
@hungryhungryhortence GA!

Even if you decide to not let this person walk all over you, in this case you already agreed and there is a child involved. My concern for the child would overshadow my anger with the friend. But I do agree that you shouldn’t let her treat you badly. Even if she is depressed you can be supportive and helpful without letting her take advantage.

In light of what Daloon just said I think there is an important distinction to be made between letting someone know that their behavior choice (in a particular incident) is not OK but it doesn’t make them a bad or evil person.

That’s why you will be willing to still be her friend after this incident has passed but you choose not to be manipulatively used in this particular incident.

When I would have to punish a child in my class, I always made a clear distinction that my disapproval of a particular act did not mean that they were a “bad” child.

It’s a fine line of distinction, but an important one I believe. I never used the phrase “you’re being a bad boy/girl” today or similar. I always framed it as ” I don’t like that you did ( whatever it was) I expect better from you. I’m sure your parents raised you better than that. Don’t do this again.

We are all responsible for our choices even if depressed or hyper or whatever else. Life has consequences. She needs to know that she can’t give someone a (metaphorical) a kick in the teeth and expect a smiling servant ready to give her a ride an hour later as if nothing had happened.

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said “no one can insult you without your permission” or similar. Just substitute “no one can take advantage of you without your permission”.

That’s basically what you did in this incident. You simply refused to be used.

I would have gave her the ride. Not that her behavior warrants it but because you said you would. And integrity is a personal trait I hold highly. Really her small son is with her and despite how annoying she was being it is nice to help out the child and not force him to wait for a ride that’s not coming, walk home in the cold, and deal with an angry mother. Now I completely understand your reaction and can’t say I wouldn’t act the same way but since I didn’t have any of the emotion personally this is what I would do as someone outside of the emotional impact. Friendships thrive when we hold our end even in difficulty.

Give her the ride. you have to understand that some people with depression, carry thier feeling on their shoulders and you should overlook this. its your conscience, but i were you, i would want to have a good nites sleep tonight. giver her the ride. if not for her, then for her son.

I can’t imagine that she really expects you to give them a ride after that. She would probably be surprised to see you show upShe is probably kicking herself for losing her temper and, therefore, her ride, but she knows it was her own fault.

There are consequences for behaviors. She was rude -> she lost her ride. Simple as that.

@veronasgirl If I thought that there was the least bit of danger to the child, I would have picked them up. There was none, nada, zip. Please read the details. I know that he had warm boots, a warm jacket, and a warm hat. If the weather had been truly bad, like, say 10 degrees, I would have picked them up regardless.

@RedPowerLady As always, I appreciate your input. But truly, we’re talking walking a matter of just a few blocks. It’s not a hardship for him! Shoot, in nice weather they’ve been walking everywhere. He has a stroller, but he’ll often ask to get out and walk on his own, and for much further than what he walked today. Can’t wait for tax return….she’s going to get a car then! Yay.

@john65pennington Well, she made it home just fine, of course.

@Supacase She’s done this before, and hard as it is to do, when I put my foot down she controls her negative, rude behavior for at least a couple of months.

Did you give her the ride or did someone else?

@john65pennington They walked! It was just a few blocks! Five, maybe ten minutes. Shoot. The child will probably be out playing in the snow for an hour after they get home. No big deal.

Is it like….you’re going to leave me, so I’ll leave you first?

That’s a different problem.

What I’m talking about comes from a place where I feel so, so bad, and yet, my circumstances don’t justify how I feel. There is a huge cognitive dissonance between how I feel and how I should feel. To change that, since I can’t elevate my mood, then I have to reduce my circumstances to the level of my mood. That’s why people commit suicide sometimes. You feel so bad, the only way to explain it is to die. It’s also the only way to stop it (or so it feels).

So, although I loved my wife, I kept on kicking her with one thing after another. I felt truly the worst I can possibly imagine feeling without dying. So I felt like I didn’t deserve her love and, in fact, I would not tolerate her love.

I was lucky, though. She really loves me, and she stood by me. But there was also something inside me that let me preserve my life. I knew exactly how far I could push her before she would snap and I only pushed her to the very precipice. There was a tiny voice inside me—I remember it clearly—that told me to stop unless I truly wanted to die.

I remember exactly where I was standing, and where she was lying on our bed, and what I was feeling, and how I was attacking when that happened. I shall never forget it. Somewhere, somehow, inside me there is a part that, I think (and hope) will always want to live, even if I can not stand the pain a moment longer. I’m glad it’s there, although I’m sorry it has to come to that.

How many times have I stood there, arguing with myself?

‘But you have all these talents, and people say they appreciate what you do and say.’

‘It doesn’t matter. And they’re lying anyway, and I’ll make them see how they are better off without me. It will be a blessing, really.’

‘You love your kids. You love your wife. And others, too.’

‘They don’t need me like this. They never needed me anyway. What have I done for them? Nada.’

‘Call Dr. B. Now. You know where this is headed.’

‘Naw. I think I’d rather jump.’

‘You know you’ll never do that, so why do you even bother thinking it?’

‘Because that’s how I know how serious it is. All right. All right. I’ll call him.’

Of course, your mileage may vary, as they say. No way that I speak for everyone.

Oops. Sorry. I’m sure that’s not what you were asking for. Sometimes—like today, for example, I remember those old feelings. But I can’t remember them without feeling them. That’s ok in some ways (to be reminded), but it’s also a bit scary (I really don’t want to go back there—not all the way, anyway).

I would give her the ride one last time, with the understanding that, depression or not, basic courtesies must be observed. I won’t be a doormat though.

Update, ya’ll. If this had happened today I would have picked them up even if she’d called me every name in the book before she hung up on me! The high today is only supposed to be 10 degrees, which is tol’rable. However, with the wind chill factor it’s going to be between -15 and -25 which is NOT tol’rable, unless you’ve been raised in the Arctic! Hail, today I’ll be picking perfect and not-so-perfect strangers up off the streets if I see them walking. MAN it’s cold!