Should I sue to get my son over here or leave it alone for now?

I’ve learned to stay out of situations like this over the years, everything is always personal, everyone has a stake, and hardly anyone every really admits (often even to themselves) what’s going on. So I’ll give you what little advice I’ve given to others in similar situations, take it at your own risk.

It’s about what’s best for the kid. Not for you, not for your ex, not for anyone else with a stake, but what is best for the kid. Remember, he’s only 13, it’s your job to worry about it. Talk to him (yeah, it’s tough at that age) about it, but don’t make it about your concerns make it about him. Don’t forget he’s developing a self image and will want to protect it, but there’s an awful lot he’s not old enough to understand beyond the immediate/near future. The more he feels it’s his choice and that you are genuinely there to support him and respect his opinions not protect or judge (bad things from adults when your 13 if I remember my youth correctly), the better it might go. But he’s your kid, not mine, I don’t know him, nor does anyone else, the way you do.

Regardless, good luck.

The biggest problem with all of this is his dad hitting him. That isn’t right at all and needs to stop, the PS3 can be replaced. There is nothing wrong with smoking pot, and having a girlfriend over is a debatable issue.

@wonderingwhy Is right though, it is about what is best for the kid. I would still listen to him and not judge or get so upset that he won’t want to talk to you anymore about what is going on. Always let him know if he needs a place to go or someone that you are always there for him

It is not right for your son at 13 to know what is best for him. It sounds like it is best for him to be out of that environment.

He is learning to handle things badly.

I think you should consider bringing him to where you live.

@Marina She should consider it. At the same time though I don’t think that if her son really doesn’t want to leave that she should force him to leave because that might cause a lot of resentment toward her and in the end may be worse for the both of them and their relationship. I think it should be up to him which one he lives with but she needs to make sure like I said that she lets him know if he wants to leave he always has a place to go

@dutchbrossis You are right except for the hitting. That can leave indelible scars as can the influence this custodial parent has.

@Marina Yea that was my main issue with this. That is why it is a tough one for me, i don’t want the kid in a home where he gets hit. I also don’t want him where he doesn’t want to be and possibly be resentful of his mom and form a bad relationship with her.

Also like he said he is bigger than his dad now. I am not sure if he gets hit still or not, I just know that I want whatever is best for him. That was why I said in my original answer the hitting is the problem, anyone who knows me knows I am very against violence. I know it can leave scars, I think that she should make sure that her son is okay and wants to stay there because he is happy there, not because he is scared to leave or anything.

I always ask and he always says he is fine. He says he doesn’t want to hurt his dad, just ‘dumps him on his arse’ if he ‘tries to hurt him’. I worry that if he were here against his wishes, there could be some trouble between him and my now husband, who would never, ever let a kid his age have a girl overnight, sex or no sex. I don’t want him to be like my ex, who beat me. He is a nice, sensitive kid, but some of the things on his fb are shocking. I don’t want to lose his trust.

@trailsillustrated Maybe that is his issue, he doesn’t want to go from his dad’s because he knows your now husband is stricter. Maybe you should have a talk with your husband about all of this and see if you guys can work something out with your son so he still has his freedoms he wants and can get out of the house where he is hit

@dutchbrossis I have and while my now husband wants them both to come over, he has very firm ideas about what sort of friends and activities kids that age should be doing. He would have freedoms but nothing like the non-parenting he is getting now. I am afraid to tear him away though. thankyou for your insight and ga.

It seems like to me that if you and your husband really want your son to be happy and out of that environment you may need to have your husband bend on his ideas due to what your son has grown up with. It would probably not be a good thing to have your son go from a house where he can do things like have his girlfriend stay the night to a stricter environment like that, it might really make him resent the two of you. I don’t know, just going by how I would react in this situation if I was your son

@dutchbrossis exactly. The dad is never home, all that. It would be so different for him, my daughter is begging to get out of there but he’s not, he wants to stay. My now husband would never change the way that he thinks, it’s all about grades, success, getting into a good private school and uni as far as he’s concerned. I guess at this point, I’ll see how it goes, and thankyou.

@trailsillustrated I wasn’t exactly suggesting change the way your husband thinks. I was trying to suggest that maybe you try to talk to him about bending on some of his rules and thoughts for your son so that he doesn’t feel like he just got torn away from a place he loved and could do what he wanted to a place he might really dislike due to that. I wish the best to you and your son. I would probably hold off on suing and forcing him to leave though, I don’t want to see the two of you not have a good relationship. That would suck

@dutchbrossis yes it would, in a big way, I just feel so torn. I might wait till he’s a bit older, if he really gets into trouble or something legal happens, then I would have no choice but to sue. Maybe he will change his mind, too, about coming over.

@trailsillustrated Yea, I am sorry about how you are feeling. I would maybe try the suggestions about trying to get your husband to bend his rules, not change his opinions but just bend his rules to try to make it to where your son could go with you and feel comfortable. Try to make it to where your place seems more inviting to your son and that would have a better chance at changing his mind about coming over.

I hate to hear about kids getting hit, that is like one of the worst things there is to me.

@dutchbrossis it just makes me sick , to think about what they might have endured when they were small and I couldn’t find them. Well, this is an ongoing thing, and he does know that he can always come here. I buy him what ever he wants, I feel so bad, and he knows he can always talk to me, so maybe down the road he might just jump ship. thanks again

@trailsillustrated Sounds like there is a lot to this story. You sound like a good mom and that you really care. Maybe he will want to go stay with you sometime, best of luck with it all.

thanks it helps to talk to an objective listener. : ) very grateful

Well, if he has a girlfriend and since he is a teen, he probably hates the idea of leaving his friends. I think it would be really tough for you if you dragged him to your house kicking and screaming so to speak. There is a good chance the teenage years will get more difficult with his father and he will want to come live with you as a way out. My gut is to not try to get custody and try to keep a very open line of communication with him. Anyway he will visit for several weeks during summer or winter break? So he can see what it might be like to live with you and you can get a better feel for how well he is really doing.

Also, since his sister will be living with you, she will probably report back to her brother. Siblings of divorce (not sure if you are divorced or what exactly the background is) are usually very bonded.

Get your daughter over, and then sue for custody of your son. Kids at that age feel they can control or manage their circumstances, but they cannot. There are decisions and activities that are perhaps normal for older teens, that are not developmentally in the best interests of 13–14 year olds in the long run. In other words, just because 13–14 year olds do smoke pot and have sex, it doesn’t mean they should smoke pot and have sex. Kids push for boundaries with behaviors, and if there are no boundaries, and a child is feeling abandoned (which he will once his sister leaves, and his father continues to be absent) then there is a whole host of other issues ahead for him.

I am going to demand that he come visit, he does want to do that, but so far their dad has prevented this unless he can come, too, at our expense. My husband has always offered to fly the kids over but not the ex, and I can’t blame him. If the dad will not let him come visit, I will sue anyway. thankyou all, I have been so torn about this and confused

@trailsillustrated Sounds like that isn’t too much to ask for.

Since he is out of the country does it matter if you sue? Will his father comply just because there is some sort of court order?

I will sue in my country. I have already done it, so that I could go there and see them.

I remember the last time we discussed your situation – back then we hoped his father would prevent him from doing the weed, etc. but now it seems he’s doing drugs as well – well that’s just splendid – I will tell you what I told you last time: if you feel strongly enough about your son and you have more evidence than facebook statuses, go and sue for your son – you know what is right.

thankyou @Simone_De_Beauvoir gah im so worried