How do your self-doubts express themselves?

My self-doubts are far too shy to manifest and express themselves.

But seriously, @daloon, everyone (sane) has self-doubt to a greater or lesser degree. The people you imagine to be so with-it, so cool and confident and competent… just try to keep their self-doubts from stopping them, or even from showing (if they can help it). But if you read the stories of a lot of the best actors, athletes and other performers in the public sphere (even politicians, many times)—they throw up and suffer all kinds of nerves in the “green room” ... and then put it aside when the curtain goes up.

Self-doubt for me is self-worth. I can’t believe that I’m as good a person as so many people tell me. Obviously, if they tell me I am, I must be, but that means little if I myself don’t believe it to be true. I think it came from the years of grade school I missed out on due to my anxiety. I always felt like I was being bad by making my parents have to deal with my anxiety, but of course I couldn’t help it.

My solution for this is trust. In my world, whatever my girlfriend says is golden, and if she says I’m amazing, well I might as well be. :) And if I still don’t believe it, I do something to fix it.

I have been through so much in my life that I no longer have self-doubts. I pretty much know that I can or cannot do something. Self-doubt arrises out of inexperience.

@CyanoticWasp A very excellent answer!!

@Silhouette… thanks

but I’m sure you don’t mean it

I agree with @CyanoticWasp that everyone has self-doubt whether it shows or not.

I have self-doubt about whether I am caring for my animals well enough. I have self-doubt about whether I have friends, whether my friends really like me, whether I am doing a good enough job on projects.

I try to balance my self-doubt by checking in with my partner and by using positive affirmations.

@CyanoticWasp Not to be a pill about it (which of course means to be a pill about it), but best actors, athletes and other performers in the public sphere (even politicians, many times) have absolutely nothing to do with me or, for that matter, most of the rest of us. I’m talking about ordinary people—the ones with much lower prospects—not extraordinary ones. Those people have skills and talents. I’m talking about people who just live ordinary lives, without the talent or the illusion of talent to be worthy of public acceptance.

@daloon, that’s okay; don’t worry about ‘being a pill’. I’m afraid you missed my point, or I wasn’t clear enough. Those people who you consider to be so extraordinary are just “regular folks” ... who didn’t let their self-doubts, insecurities, alcoholism, drug addiction… you name it, whatever goblins they have / had… stop them. They just went out, put on a big smile and acted confident, and everyone assumed that’s just how they are, and aren’t they special.

As cyanotic wasp mentioned we all have self doubt at one time or another. Some more so than others. If you ever do run into someone who doesn’t have an ounce of self doubt than more than likely you ran into the biggest douche there is. Its a part of the human condition and it is what propels us to do better. Now some are just excellent actors or just learn to not care what others think. Sounds like your self doubt may come from worrying what others think a little too much and you set standards by the people around you. We each have a talent that is more tailored to your personality. Now some people are born with talents. Does this make them special? Not in my book.
Yes when I was in my teen years I felt every girl was prettier, and some where smarter, and some had better social skills. I was a tom boy but I was just noticing boys but they weren’t noticing me. It started to turn into self loathing. Then one day I overheard a person who I thought was my friend tell another girl that she was just pretending to be my friend just because I could help her with her school work. Then it got me thinking. I was angry at first but I wondered why would I even want to be friends with someone so loathesome and most importantly, what made her think she was so special. So she was pretty, so what. So are hundreds of people. She just lucked out in the gene pool. Its not like she did anything to deserve it. She’ll eventually get old and ugly like everyone else. Then what? But I then discovered what made me special. I wasn’t a selfish concieted back stabbing douche like she was. What you saw, was what you got. I wasn’t gorgeous, rich, a brain, or talented or anything that you either get through luck but I knew how to be a good human being and not pretend to be something I’m not.
That confidence has stayed with me till today. What ever I have, or how I behave, is because I am me. A collection of my own life experiences and that is what makes me special. I will still occasionally have self doubt but its a part of the human condition. I just have to work harder at shaking it off and try my hardest to hide it from others. Once I gained that self confidence, I also gained the respect of other people around me. As we all go through life we make big and small contributions in each others lives. Even that douche of a girl was useful. She taught me to stop doubting myself because people will take advantage of it. You can take it or leave it. No sweat.

I think lots of the people in my program and I are all workaholic overachievers because we need to get external validation in the form of good grades and compliments to feel good about ourselves.

My self doubt results in avoidance – If I don’t try, then I can’t fail. I’ve struggled with it my entire life.

I speak quietly and stumble over my words a lot, so I refrain from speaking as much as possible because even when I do speak I often get made fun of because of it. Just creates a ton of insecurities that lead to a lack of social placement which only further completes the loop.

Would be my main one I suppose.

@CyanoticWasp Don’t you doubt it. I think you’re clever.

This is me not applying (sic).

But I wonder whether I mean that. Are people going to find my answer clever or amusing? Am I going to receive “lurve” for this “quip”? Are they going to understand the juvenile and potentially catachretically grammatical/self-deprecating humor that I included for (only) myself (anyway)? Do I use parenthetical asides way too frequently in all of my answers on Fluther? (Yes.) Does anyone really care whether my internal dubiety is internally (read: auto-) manifested or nonexistent or imposed on me by the expectations of others who in all likelihood expect me to have self-doubts because if I didn’t then I must be some kind of cold and dubiously indubitable human being who’s “confident” and “on top of the world” and genereally both “skilled” and “talented” but managing, (“G”)god(s)know(s)how, to maintain the “ordinariness” of quotidian life as is, again, expected of him/me?(!) Shouldn’t talented people doubt their talents, which seem to come from dubious places anyway? Don’t self(less)-doubtless people also doubt their self(less)-doubtlessness, the uniqueness alone of which should incite self-doubt? Do self-doubtless people even exist? (No.) Am I abusing the “lurve” “function” of this small pseudo-Q&A “community” to now-and-again reassure myself that I have, in fact, no reason to “actually” doubt my/self/thoughts/words/relationships/whathaveyou? What have you, anyway, w/r/t self-doubt, that others don’t? (Please.) W/r/t obsessive self-doubt? W/r/t (obliquely) related narcissism or solipsism (the latter word being one that, lately, sticks to me (and my Fluther answers) for more than its susurrant, um, aurality)? Are you snoring yet, by the way? Am I boring you? Am I boring? Do quiet people have nothing to say like they, the loud ones, like to say? (Am I quiet?) Is this answer helpful to anyone? Is it even helpful to me? Is it cathartic? Is it too long? Maybe it’s too abstract. Am I criticizing myself here? (Yes.) Am I making fun of myself? (Yes.)
Am I at the same time flattering myself? ( )

That was me, not applying but pretending to have self-doubt, since as I said before I don’t have any (self-doubt). (sic)

@CyanoticWasp No I don’t get it and I still don’t get it. You say they aren’t special in one breath; that they are just like you and me, and then in the next breath, you say they are special—in that they don’t let their issues (for lack of a better world) get in the way and they are able to act confident even when they aren’t.

Now I really don’t get it. I mean, I guess I understand you are trying to say that in terms of talent, or something, they are no different from others, but they are just different in that they don’t allow doubt to get in their way? Let’s just assume they aren’t any more talented than anyone else (which, of course, is ridiculous), and all they have is that extra special something that lets them have confidence when they really have nothing to be confident about. Doesn’t that confidence make them have something that few others have? Isn’t it legitimate to wonder why you don’t have that confidence when others do? Especially so if they are less talented than you are? Why aren’t you confident when others would be?

Look. I know all about faking it. Hell, I’ve taught people that very skill. Indeed, I have no problem pretending to be confident on behalf of someone else (say an employer). In reality, I am confident about what I’m talking about or trying to do. It’s an entirely different story when it comes to me. There is no employer to validate anything I do.

People say that you should do it just for the pleasure of doing it. You shouldn’t care what other people think. There’s a certain appeal to such ideas, but I think there’s also some disingenuity to it, as well. We are a social species. We do nothing outside of the context of our tribe. Nothing we do has meaning outside of the way if affects our relationships with others. It can’t. With no “other” to reflect our image, we can have no clue as to who we are, because we are no different. We are the world.

Social approval is what really matters, despite all our rhetoric that tries to improve our senses of self-worth. Those are just tricks to keep us from killing ourselves by facing the truth. The truth is, that if we are competitive, or if we need recognition, for whatever reason, then without the imprimatur of the marketplace, we have failed. We don’t have what we want or need (for whatever reason). The doubts are validated.

Some have enough belief in themselves to keep going and keep trying, and maybe some day they do actually get good enough to be appreciated by a lot of others. Some people are talented enough, both in whatever they do and in how they can sell themselves, or how they can meet with people who can help them sell themselves, that they manage also to gain the appreciation or money or power or whatever it is they seek.

In the end, if you don’t get it, it’s not because you are no different from those who make it, except you can’t fake confidence. It’s because your product (yourself) isn’t competitive in the marketplace. It’s not good enough. You aren’t good enough. The doubts are correct. Show me the money. It’s not just a cynical, politically incorrect notion. It’s how human worth is measured. Maybe measure imperfectly, but still, the best measure we have.

Yeah, sure I whine at times. Maybe I’m a bit manipulative, hoping to get some praise, although that never works, because it never counts if you ask for it. Maybe I’m just a bit depressed. Maybe frustrated. Probably all of that. Maybe I shouldn’t be…. no, there is no doubt that I shouldn’t be running my little schtick on nice people in a fun forum.

But fuck it. I don’t even know why I care. About any of it. What I think. What any of the unreal people out there think. It’s all mental masturbation, anyway. Spewing….. well, anyway. No one is forced to read anything. It may not be a market, but at least no one is being forced to do anything. It’s my party. I’ll whine if I want to.

@absalom One thousand lurve! Brilliant! Now if I had read that when it appeared halfway through my diatribe, I could have deleted it and gone home to have a beer. And I thought I had the self doubt, self-deprecation thing down. Doncha love the (did anyone read this far) trick? Oh so satisfying when someone actually says they did read it all (not that I read all of what you wrote. No, no, of course not).

And using the narcissism gambit—again, expressly so people can say, “no, no, not at all.” And all the lovely languid language filled with your fifth grade English teacher’s favorite vocabulary words (or did I take that one too far? Should I have given it a tenth grade, instead, so as not to be too mean?) (And what the hell do you so with parenthetical questions, anyway? I mean, can you have a question mark in the middle of a sentence, if it is part of a parenthetical comment? Inquiring minds (well, at least one) want to know. (although, are we allowed to parenthetical comments within parenthetical comments?)

Well brother (sister? It’s always so ambiguous online and one doesn’t want to insult people right and left), like I said, you are brilliant. And if you think you go on too long, you need, as should be obvious now, not worry. There actually are people who say they read to the end of my longer missives. Who knows? Are they saying that to make me feel better, or because it’s true? (Now there’s a typical doubt of mine).

Anyway, if you are faking it (and I don’t think you are, but I’ve been made a fool of before…. once, anyway), then you are damned good actor and should be given an academy award for that. Man, what I would give to hoist a brew with you!

My self confidence evaporated with the loss of the person I had come to rely on totally. I’m in a mixed-up confusion of grief, depression, social phobia layered on top of my somewhat autistic nature. Lethargy, hopelessness, pessimism, feelings of worthlessness…

My insecurity, which is very new BTW…. like in the last few days, is my age. My looks have changed dramatically in the last year. Either that or I didn’t notice before now. I wonder if that fact is effecting my life in other ways. Not much I can do about it so it’s a brick wall for me.
Age related employment is one concern also. There was a time head hunters would meet me out in the field attempting, with great offers, to get me to go to work for
another large company. Now a sign at the Employment Development Department pretty much says it all. “Senior workers 45 and up”.

Don’t really see myself as an insecure person other than that.

When I experience self-doubt, I feel sad and talk to my loved ones. That usually helps!

I think everyone has self doubt . I have worked for almost 20 Years to help my Autistic Son. I simply question if I could have done more
I also know that I will destroy anyone who ever attempts to abuse my Son.
I doubt my ability to make believe I respect incompetent people. I am a lousy phony.

LOUDLY

I am a bit of a loner, very shy.

My self-doubt always comes from wondering whether or not I’m a “good” person, and it manifests itself through constantly blaming myself for everything that happens in my life. I’m trying to work on that.

@daloon, I’m not going to invalidate your self-invalidation, but… it does seem that you get too interiorized into it. That is, you have this self-doubt, which truly is pretty universal, I think, but then you think about the self-doubt instead of just saying, “Fuck it, here’s what I think anyway.”

I know what you mean about feeling a bit lost or invalidated that some of the things that one does or say seem to pass without comment or exception (my best answers here have received zero lurve—amazing, I think—and I totally understand not requesting a review for what would seem like false lurve, so I’m not posting any links here, either), but all of my answers are for me, anyway. If others lurve them, well, good for them; I’m glad to receive the lurve and “attention”. If they don’t like the answers, then that’s their problem. But hell, I’m an anonymous downhill-side-of-middle-aged guy operating under the avatar of a piece of art on the Interwebz. You think I don’t have self-doubt? I empathize with you completely. I’ve never considered attempting to sell any of my writing—and I don’t do much of anything else.

All I’m saying is that people with very little more ability than you and me—and in some cases decidedly less—write best-selling novels, run companies, act in movies and television and perform in sports every day (okay, no one there has less skill or ability than I do; I freely grant that). The difference is that they are out there and doing that.

I do notice that whatever self-doubt you have, you’re still here and still posting.

@CyanoticWasp It’s just hard to have aspirations and be out of ideas. It’s comfortable here. So how do I go somewhere else? Somewhere more…. well…. rewarding?

@daloon, if I come up with an idea I’ll let you know and we can go together.

I think if you want to be happy you’ll need to discover what it is that you really want: challenge? (Peace Corps)—lurve? (right here)—lucre? (write for publication) and aim for that.

@CyanoticWasp Yes. The filthy lucre? The only validation I never got? Or is it all the same? The inability to believe it’s real makes money and love and anything else equally doubtable. And while I’ve never done the Peace Corp thing per se, I’ve been doing it almost all of my career.

@daloon, I don’t know what to tell you, except to suggest that you try to direct your thoughts and actions more “outward” than “inward”. I don’t think Mother Theresa (to cite an example) ever gave much consideration about her worldwide adulation. She just did what she was going to do anyway. I have no doubt that in some of her alone and quiet time she faced demons of her own, doubting her capacity or will to keep on going, but she just went on doing her thing.

I’m no Mother Theresa! I don’t have her selflessness, for one thing. But I type these words because the thoughts I have are true for me, and it helps me to think them and write them down to organize my thoughts, even if I had no other impetus to think those thoughts in the first place than to answer your question. So outwardly it appears that I’m trying to help you by answering your question. But the fact is that you got me to think about something that I wasn’t otherwise going to think about now… and I’ve resolved some things in my own mind… about myself.

If my truths help you, then that’s great. If they don’t, then maybe they’ll help someone else. Even if no one else cares—or even reads these words!—writing them down has helped me a little bit.

Who knows, maybe Mother Theresa did what she did less “selflessly” than we can realize from our viewpoints.

@CyanoticWasp I hope it’s been interesting. I mean, it sounds like it was interesting for you, but it also sounds like it might have annoyed you.

As to outward vs inward, I don’t know. First of all, I don’t know what outward means in this context. Maybe you mean observing something outside myself and describing that?

I don’t know. The thing I study is internal processes. It’s what calls me. Especially when it seems to be an unusual activity, or one that is difficult to parse out very well.

There is an external interest—well several, but most of them are things I have been following for so long that I don’t have any fight in me for it any more (health care reform, scientific method, the (in)justice system, environmentalism, equal rights for you-name-it). My life has been externally focused, and to little noticeable effect. I’ve not made a difference outwardly. Maybe inward might change that.

The only outward interest that interests me is sensualism. That has it’s own problems.

@daloon All I have to say is Woody Allen made a fortune writing the same stuff. Don’t you wish it could have been you?

@YARNLADY Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can’t possibly be comparing me to Woody Allen… can you? Naw, they wouldn’t let me in that club, and if they did, I would copy his imitation of the great communist: “I’d never join a club that would have me as a member.” Yeah. Story of my life. I wish.

Well, people compare my trumpet playing to Miles Davis’, but I think that’s merely because we both use a harmon mute.

@daloon You’ve got the angst down pat, all you need is to crank up the humor and you would be in the same ball park. I used to really like his works, especially Zelig and Without Feathers, and his early comedies.

You should have seen my early work. Everyone thinks I was funny then.

@daloon It’s probably like a little kid grows out of being cute, turns into funny, then on into the angst phase.

@YARNLADY That was a reference to a Woody Allen line. “Earlier, funnier comedies” was a line from Stardust Memories.

Yes, I realized that after the fact. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up.